Episode 5

I’m in California. Every time I call somebody, I say that I’m in CA-LI-FORN-YAAAAAAA like the song from the OC. Yes I watch the OC. That’s not my point…

Here’s my problem. Last night at 7:40, I was about to pass out in my hotel bed. I was no longer vertical, and that is never a good sign. With the two hour time difference, on top of the daylight savings change, it felt like 10:40 to my body. Not to mention the fact that I popped up around 4:15 that morning…again…7:15 a.m. to my body…you can imagine the sleepiness that I felt. I wondered how I was going to make it through the show. Then I realized that the Bachelor does not come on at 8:00 p.m. in California like it does in Texas. ANOTHER HOUR!

I apologize now for any random thoughts…or unfinished thoughts…that may follow. Everyone knows that I have the eating habits and bedtime of a third grader. It’s just who I am. Loving me means loving all of me.

Anybody going to buy the Kevin Federline CD today? Rock on.

SIMPLE DISCLAIMER

This episode is very exciting. Take home dates. Who will he choose? Lisa was the first to capture his heart, but he doesn’t know about her plan. Sadie is all about her V-Card but doesn’t want to rest on her laurels. The Prince is impressed with the teacher from Miami and Agnes caught him from the moment he saw her. Let’s take a whirlwind journey around the globe!

Home Date One
Sadie
San Diego
Our Prince meets Sadie at the beach

Sadie is pumped. She is in her element. She NEVER brings a guy home, so this is huge. SO HUGE, that she gallops across the grassy lawn to greet our Bachelor because she can’t contain her excitement. Sadie also thinks that Chach is SOOOO CUTE! She tells him this right before she encourages him not to say anything “lame” to her parents. We meet the family. Sadie tells them about the best date ever (when she flew) in her best baby voice.

We all know how I feel about baby voices…

The family prays together and has a lovely dinner. Chach talks to Dad about how Sadie has blown him away. Sadie tells Mom that the Prince reminds her of Daddy. Mom says that Chach is very down-to-Earth and locks eyes when he talks. Sadie says the Prince makes her feel safe. Daddy says that he trusts his little angel’s judgment.

Sadie has a surprise for Renzy. Making out at a bonfire on Moonlight Beach. You go with your V-Card Sadie! She admits that she sees potential and it is scaring her.


Home Town Two
Lisa
Portland
Dog Park and more!

Again, we are reminded that Lisa wants to be married and have kids by 30. She said that she will make this happen with the Prince. Chach is concerned that Lisa is the first girl he had an emotional and physical attraction to, but nothing since. But, thank GOODNESS, Lisa decides to break the tension by painting grapes on her wall above the fireplace! There’s nothing like Italian fresco (I don’t care if that is not right) to break the ice.

Meet Allie. Allie is the reason Chach will not choose Lisa as his final girl. Allie decides to smoke a little crack before she visits Lisa. Afterwards, she feels it is a good idea to take a random (yeah right) wedding dress over to Lisa’s house. Lisa opens the door and pretends to be shocked to see this dress. Allie gives Lisa a puff of her doobie, twists her arm and forces her to put on the wedding dress for the Prince.

While Lisa is frantically searching for her strapless bra, Baked Allie lights up again and asks Chach if he knows about Lisa’s timeline.

Timeline? What timeline?

Baked Allie takes a drag, holds it in, and spits out the familiar statistics we’ve all come to know and love… “Married by 26…cough, hack, cough…kids by 30.”

It is at this point that Lisa saunters in wearing the dress. Wearing the freaking dress. Then Baked Allie puts on a Ti-Erica on her head and they giggle like she’s actually engaged or something.

Note: I did not yell at the TV at this point. Not because I’m in a hotel in CALI-FORN-IAAAAAAAAA, but because we already knew Lisa made the mistake of dawning a freaking wedding gown and we yelled at the TV last week.

Just wait…the yelling comes later.

Needless to say, our Prince is a bit freaked out. Bless Lisa’s heart. She feels that she has won major points for this gesture, assuming the Prince is imaging their wedding as she is.


They leave Baked Allie to satisfy her munchies and head for Lisa’s parents’ house. She shares that she had on a wedding dress earlier that day. Luckily, the entire family thinks this is weird. GREAT! Good to know they are not all crazy!

Until…

They all start laughing about how she has wedding magazines everywhere and how she’s had her wedding planned forever and how she knows what the bridesmaids will wear and what cake and the candles and the flowers. Everyone seems to think this is precious.

This is not funny. This is not precious. This is borderline psycho.

Lisa and her Dad go upstairs to talk about how they are going to walk down the isle together at the wedding. Bad move. They leave Chach with the Mom.

You know…the Pilates instructor.

PLEASE STOP. STOP RIGHT NOW. DO NOT DO PILATES CHACH. YOU ARE NOT LISTENING. YOU ARE DOING YOUR HUNDREDS RIGHTN OW IN FRONT OF ME. YOU ARE ON THE FLOOR ON YOUR BACK DOING HUNDREDS. I CAN’T LOOK AWAY. I BEG YOU TO STOP. WHY IS LISA LAUGHING? THIS IS SO UN-FUNNY. PLEASE DISCONTINUE THE PILATES.

Time to leave. His abs are tired.

He tells the family the same line he told Sadie’s family… “I can see where Lisa gets her charming qualities.” Lisa walks him to the door and inserts her tongue down his throat in case he doesn’t know that she digs him.

Chach tells the camera that he has concerns and wonders if Lisa has an agenda.

Insert Jim Halpert face here.


Home Date Three
Jen
Miami Beach

Jen and Chach fish in the rain. Jen catches a shark. She kisses the shark goodbye before they throw him back in the ocean. This turns the Prince on. He wants to be kissed like that shark. They attempt. We all know how that turned out.

Jen tells Chach that her dad is intense. She is an only child and her parents have a hard time sharing. As if the ABC intern did not tell him, Chach asks if her Dad has a lot of guns. Because that is a typical question to ask before meeting the folks!

Jen and Renzy receive an exciting homecoming from the parents. Jen is so happy to see her Daddy. He is her world. Dad doesn’t care if Chach is a Prince, King of England or the President of the United States…he just wants to know if you can make his little girl happy. And how do we find this out? By pulling a gun on him and making him twitch. Or pee his pants. Either one is considered a success.

Dad, as he holds his gun on his lap, asks Chach, “How do you feel about my Jen?”

Chach’s answer? “She is obviously attractive.”

Doh!

Dad cocks gun and Chach starts mumbling something about wholesome and personality.


Home Town Date Four
Venice
Agnes

Chach is excited this is his last stop. He enjoys being around Agnes, but again, his problem is the communication. Agnes admits to the camera that she is nervous about him meeting her parents and that she is “following” for him.

They meet in front of the church Agnes wants to get married in. He tells her she looks very Italian. She asks where he is. He answers that he is here. And that the streets and hospitals are beautiful.

Is this a match made in heaven or what?

They take a gondola ride and swallow each other’s faces under every bridge. They eat at a café and talk about how Anges’ family does not speak English and this might be a problem. Chach predicts a ton of silence during the meeting.

Agnes introduces him to her Mom, Dad and siblings. Chach wants the family to know that he is there with good intensions. It is important for them to know that he is currently living in New York, but is from Italy.

“SO NICE TO MEET YOU ALL…I WISH I COULD SPEAK ITALIAN. I LIVED HERE UNTIL I WAS TWO YEARS OLD.”

Silence.

They try to communicate during dinner as Agnes holds her fork like a three-year-old.

Another round of silence.

What to do to break this silence? What to do to break the language barrier?

The ABC intern suggests the group communicate through the international language. The international language of…

DANCE! Dance WITH masks and hats!

“I saw a lot of beautiful things in Venice, but the most beautiful was Anges.”

Where’s my bucket?


Rose Ceremony
Yes…the Pier One bureau with the photos is back! I’ve missed the bureau. It makes the Prince’s decisions so much easier.

Chach says that he has been blown away by all four ladies and is sorry someone is going to get hurt…but it has to happen. Because those are the rules Chris Harrison told him at the bureau meeting.

Sadie: We knew she would be first. I would re-think the shoes next time.
Jen: Da da da da da da GO CHACH
Lisa: “I do!” she answers enthusiastically as if she has practiced before…

Poor Agnes. Bless her heart. Chach tells her that the number one thing you need in a relationship is communication, and he just didn’t think that they had that.

Really?

Poor Agnes starts to cry. Chach gets emotional and Agnes begins to “ugly cry” in Chach’s neck. Then HE starts crying. He gives her one final ‘gratzee’ and shoves her in the car. Agnes no longer has the energy to speak English. We have subtitles. Bless her heart.

Instead of the Erica bathtub scene Chris Harrison promised, we are tortured with some random soliloquy about how Jen and Sadie are vanilla milkshakes and Lisa is a vanilla milkshake with cinnamon. But Erica is a champagne milkshake.

Okay…maybe not so random.

Everyone excited about the forgo card dates next week? This is where the real fun begins!
All about the shame, not the fame,

Lincee