The Bachelor Recaps

Tuesday, July 20, 2010

Frankly speaking

Thanks to everyone for hanging in there with me when my server decides to repetitively attack my blogging program and convince you all I had moved and taken a job with Google in New Guinea. Or that I’m FORBIDDEN. It’s been an AWESOME couple of days. You know you’ve made it when you’ve been hacked! I’ve been told that I should feel honored and that I’VE ARRIVED!

Hopefully we’ll get this fixed soon. If in doubt, I’ve reactivated my old site ( Or you can always check Facebook. I think this is further proof that it’s time to really dedicate some hours to upgrading my website. Expect fun and exciting changes in the future!

Speaking of fun and exciting changes…

The following information you are about to read is of personal opinion. However, if you or someone on your Twitter account happens to personally know, sort of know, friends with the nephew/former classmate of, thought you saw in the grocery store buying New Moon on DVD or have a Jazzercize instructor that looks exactly like one of the Bachelors on the show…none of this is personal and I’m sure they are all lovely people.

The first 20 minutes of last night’s episode included a voiceover from Our Host Chris Harrison strolling down memory lane as Ali literally strolls down a beach in LA while she reflects on each of her remaining suitors. Because I am in an efficient mood today, I’ll save us all time and brain cells by summing up (what we already knew) in what I call a beta cap:

Cape Cod Chris:
Ali adoring, CCC blushing, wicked awesome-ing, future wife hoping, mom passing, heart opening, heart worrying, heart protecting, heart connecting, face washing, mirror staring, extension flinging, lip pouting, Ali “liking”, CCC laughing, journey amazing, here for the right reasoning, horizontal rolling and love professing.

Dimples flashing, Lincee swooning, Ali giggling, Lion King flashbacking, family blessing, body groping, chemistry percolating, romance building, Ali giggling, Lincee eye rolling, baseball holding, dimples flashing, Lincee pausing, Lincee rewinding, Lincee swooning, Ali “liking”, Lincee like gagging, confidence oozing, Harrison nodding and tonsil hockeying.

I had already written down “hem and hawing, eyes tearing, junior miss wearing” for Frank when I realized ABC had changed the mood. From the lack of Mexican guitar accompaniment, I knew Roberto’s segment was over. But I was still confused. What is this eerie music playing? Where’s Harrison’s voiceover? Why isn’t it showing Frank and Ali on their Greased Lightning date?

Enter Frank. He’s walking around the Windy City in the latest style of skinny jeans from Abercrombie which a.) I’m sure he scored 25% off using his employee discount and b.) are actually from the women’s side of the store.

That’s not the point. The point is that he’s tortured. He’s an emotional wreck. And he hasn’t slept in days. Where’s Harrison when you need him?

Frank: “Ali and I have a connection that very few people have. It’s fun, romantic and sexy. It’s everything I’d want in a relationship and I can see us getting married one day.”

He pauses to collect himself. He breathes in through the nose and out through the mouth before continuing. He’s practicing the Stanislavsky method so the big kicker (which ABC conveniently spoiled both online and in teaser packages weeks ago) will be super dramatic.

Frank: “As my feelings have grown for Ali, so have they grown for my ex-girlfriend Nicole. Now I’m beginning to realize I think I might be in love with Nicole and I don’t know what to do. I’m supposed to have a romantic vacation with Ali. But I need to go to Chicago to see Nicole to see if I’m in love with her. I’m out of time. I need to make a decision. This could change my life forever.”

He wanders around the same block a few hundred times explaining to the camera that unlike the villainous Rated-R Justin, he has not spoken to his beloved Nicole in months. He has no idea what she is going to say when he “surprises” her at the Chicago Gateway Hostel near Lincoln Park.

Frank weaves in and out of college kids who couldn’t afford to backpack across Europe and knocks on Nicole’s door. He breathes heavily into his microphone.

A short little brunette steps out and wraps her arms around her ex-boyfriend, careful to not break the plane of reference by making eye contact with the camera man, key grip, boom mic holder and wardrobe consultant. She utters a monotone, “What-are-you-doing-here-Frank?” as they bombard the perfectly clean living establishment.

Look. I’m a clean person. I don’t live in filth. But if Frank showed up to my house truly unexpected at the end of the day, he would find a pair of high heels at the back door, a stack of unopened mail on the table, whatever super cute outfit I wore to work in a neat pile on the floor and me with my hair in a bun on my head in my Johnny Cash t-shirt eating Blue Bell ice cream straight from the gallon tub as DVR’d episodes of So You Think You Can Dance played in the background.

Not so much with the love of Frank’s life Nicole.

Frank: “I was nervous coming here.”
Nicole: “Why? I agreed to see you three days ago?”

Frank: “I spent the past weeks fighting other guys for Ali. We had an amazing thing from the start and it was so good and the chemistry was amazing.”
Nicole: “And where are you going with this scenario?”

In a moment of drama, Frank conducts the longest pause in the history of television. I got up. Made a sandwich. Did a few sit-ups and gave myself a pedicure before he continues to wax and wane.

Frank: “My feelings are very real. She is a great girl. Her and I have a good connection. Her and I had an awesome relationship.”
Nicole: “Even though I don’t think ‘her and I’ is grammatically correct, I’m going to stop you right there Frank and take this bull by the horns. I’m sick to think that you are getting closer to this Ali person. It’s heartbreaking.”

Frank: “I know, right? Through the process, I was falling for her and having an amazing time traveling the world.”
Nicole: “I have to vacate this room in an hour buddy. Get to the point.”

Frank: “If I forget about you, that says something. I wanted to see you to see if we had a spark that we had before.”
Nicole: “Show me the money.”

Frank: “Wrong one-liner babe.”
Nicole: “Oh right. Sorry. You complete me.”

Frank closes the gap between him and the woman he loves named Nicole and they sit forehead to forehead, rubbing each others’ forearms. Frank admits to the camera that he no longer thinks he’s in love…he knows he’s in love. Nicole whispers something to him in baby talk. I’m pretty sure she was asking for her jeans back.

Frank: “I’m in love with this girl Nicole and she is in love with me and we will live happily ever after. I have to go find Ali on an exotic island in Tahiti and I have to tell her what’ve I’ve decided today. It’s going to take a lot of courage, strength and I need you to support me because I’m scared.”
Nicole: “Can I come too?”

Meanwhile, Ali arrives in Tahiti via speedboat randomly waving to no one in particular. She’s in white pants and a hot pink top and talks about taking her relationship to the next level. After cannon balling into the South Pacific, our clever ABC intern convinces Ali that executing The Little Mermaid hair flip would really be the icing on the “Tahiti intro package” cake. She obliges. We laugh. And then feel a little weird that we’ve all done that in the shallow end of the pool and will never admit it to anyone as long as we live.

Ali: “I can’t wait to see Roberto. He’s going to look hot in Tahiti.”

Honey. Roberto would look hot in a suit made of burlap under harsh overhead lighting after four days of no sleep, okay? No need to state the obvious.

Roberto graces us with his presence looking hot in Tahiti. Yes that is stating the obvious, but Roberto what I meant was that he was literally sweating bullets. Hombre needed a window unit in his cabana. But being Roberto, he hops up on a fence and waits patiently for his lady friend. Ali arrives wearing a string yellow bikini under Frank’s stretchy see through wife beater. She has a flower in her hair. They share “missed yous” and Ali leads Roberto to you guessed it…a waiting helicopter.

Ali claims that the ride was indescribable. It’s probably because she is so over helicopters and insisted that she and Roberto make out the entire time pretty much ignoring the glamorous island tour. He scratches her arm just as Frank scratched his lover named Nicole’s arm. This must be the new way to show affection in which I am unaware. I’m guessing it’s a lot like a male peacock displaying his plumage to potential mates. When I was growing up, the guy gave you his letter jacket during homeroom and that meant you were “going together” and available to eat lunch at the same table in the cafeteria.

The pilot requests that they cease and desist from sucking face long enough to notice the heart-shaped lagoon below. Call me crazy, but I’d peg it as a kidney bean more than a heart. I’m just saying.

Ali: “I can’t believe we are in a lagoon that is in the shape of a heart! This is so cool.”
Roberto: “And we’re alone…”

Ali: “Yes! It’s just you and me. And the camera guy. And key grip. And sound mixer. Hey intern!”

The ABC intern waves to Ali.

Out of the blue, Ali strips off her pants to reveal hot pink bottoms.

I so did not see that coming. Yellow top? Pink bottoms? Ali is playing the saucy card.

And Roberto likes it! He swoops her up and takes her into the water. They “From Here to Eternity” for a while and then get into deeper waters to make out some more. Ali is annoyed that the ABC intern tries to get her to do the Little Mermaid hair flip again. She says she wants to be alone so she can straddle Roberto in peace. They make out during a 10 minute montage.

The Mexican music swells. Other things swell. My mom calls me for being so tacky and unladylike on my website.

Ali decides to test the gravitational pull of double-sided tape and properly introduces the ladies during her forgo card date. Golden leafs fasten from one boob to the other, held by a piece of dental floss. The bodice was gold lamé and flip flops completed the ensemble. The slutty Grecian outfit was purchased from Party City between the slutty Eskimo and slutty referee collections.

Roberto sweats profusely. When he isn’t looking, Ali collects some in a vile to wear around her neck. Roberto reminders her that he is here for the right reasons and confesses that he is falling in love with her. Then he draws her in with his amazing dimples and they make out.

Ali tells Roberto she has something impor-ant to give him. She hands him the forgo date card. Darling Roberto has no idea why Ali is grinning from ear to ear.

Roberto: “Hey. There’s a room key.”

Roberto reads the card in his most seductive Telenovela voice. Harrison has given them permission to forgo their own rooms to stay as a couple in the fantasy suite. Ali gives him a come hither smile and tries to smolder her eyes. Roberto schools her in the smolder eye game and admits it would be a shame to waste a fantasy suite.

The pair walk hand-and-hand through the water to get to their fantasy hut. Roberto sneaks a peek up Ali’s dress when she climbs the ladder. They don’t even waste time. They just begin making out. Ali strips Roberto of his wet clothes. Before we can all get a good peek, the FCC fades us to an outside shot of the hut.

Here’s hoping they don’t forgo the condom Harrison left in the date card envelope.

(Sorry Mama. Pretend you never read that.)

Hap heartedly sticking with the theme of letting it all hang out, only one boob peeks out from a weird cardigan looking cover up for Cape Cod Chris’ date. Ali sports a striped bikini, tiny white skirt and a side pony tail. They board a catamaran that’s like super impor-ant and explore their relationship on open waters.

Ali points to Bora Bora and ponders how somewhere as magical as this place could be on the same planet as Massachusetts. The Cape agrees. We all collectively take another sip from our beverages of choice and pray for the education system. Chris talks about home. Ali tells him she loves when he giggles and they make out.

Later, Ali explains to CCC that their lunch is over on a deserted island that is not in the shape of a kidney bean or heart. They must swim to get there. Cape wants to show Ali his adventurous side and suggests they fling themselves off the boat on the count of three. He counts. They jump. Ali screams. And then crawls over and practically drowns him as she attempts to make out.

They dog paddle until they can stand. Ali straddles him and he walks her to shore. As they kiss. Call me crazy, but that was a turn on for some reason. Yes?

Being the total goofball he is, Chris picks up an oyster and begins making it “talk” to Ali. He jokes about finding her a pearl. As he’s laughing, the FCC bleeps a “HOLY SH#T” from an enthusiastic Bachelor. He cracks open/kills the little sucker and presents Ali with a pearl. She freaks. He freaks. They pearl hunt for another 20 minutes.

Ali: “Looking for pearls reminds me of our relationship. If you wait and give it some time, you’ll end up with something beautiful.”

Can we get a round of applause for the producer who fed Ali that line? And kudos to the ABC intern for planting 27 fake pearls in the oysters.

Not feeling the need to go Grecian as she did for Roberto, Ali dresses up in a tie-dye tank top and huge billowy see through white pants. They have a picnic on the beach, complete with fruity umbrella drinks. Chris talks about his family and tells her that he sees himself with her.

CCC: “I really see myself with you forever. You know that, right?”
Ali: “Really?”

CCC: “Yeah. Really. (kisses Ali) Really. (kisses Ali) Really.” (kisses Ali)


It’s official. Cape Cod Chris and I were MFEO.

After collecting herself, Ali hands the forgo date card to Chris. He opens it up and looks around to see if Our Host Chris Harrison is going to walk up and ruin his mojo. Then he notices the room key to fantasy suite 54.

At first I wondered why Roberto’s fantasy suite was more like a fantasy hut with a bed and Chris was a legitimate suite that included a pool. Then I remembered the show could have given Roberto the hallway next to the ice machine at Motel 6 and he would have been fine. Remember the pearl? Ali and Chris need time to make something beautiful.

I worry that Ali’s billowy see through pants are going to catch fire from one of the dozens of candles lining the floor of the real fantasy suite. Chris wonders aloud how they will top this on their honeymoon. Ali laughs. Chris says he would move anywhere as long as he was with her. She breathes a sigh of relief because the dentist bracelet was developing plaque build-up and she couldn’t imagine having to wear that thing every day to fit in with the sisters-in-law.

Then the camera pans away just as Chris whispers, “God I love you.”

He tells the camera that he loves Ali and that his Mom is looking down and smiling. Here’s hoping she looks away soon because she’s about to feel awkward!

But not as awkward as Frank pulling up in the water taxi with enough luggage to clothe a small country. He reminds us that he is in love with Nicole and can’t give Ali all she deserves. He is confused and doesn’t know how to handle the situation.

Enter Harrison. Looking classic in linen. Cool as a cucumber. Irritated that Frank has killed his mid-afternoon buzz. This guy is going down.

Frank: “I have some bad news.”
OHCH: “What’s up?”

Frank: “I’m in love with Nicole.”
OHCH: “Her name is Ali.”

Frank: “No. My ex. Nicole. My feelings for her are stronger than before when I saw her.”
OHCH: “How’d you leave it?”

Frank: “I told her I was in love with her.”
OHCH: “And she reciprocated?”

Frank: “Yes. We’re going to Paris to live for six weeks.”
OHCH: “You don’t live anywhere for six weeks Frank. That’s called a vacation where I come from. Listen, last time I saw you, you and Ali were tight. In a matter of days, you’ve taken a 180?”

Frank: “I’ve been known to overanalyze things.”
OHCH: “You don’t say.”

Frank: “I’ve been reluctant to share my feelings because I don’t know how to do it. How will she take this Chris?”

Harrison pulls the audience into their TV by his stare alone.

Frank: “Stanislavsky method?”
OHCH: “That’s how it’s done boy.”

Frank: “I think Ali may like me, which makes this difficult.”
OHCH: “She told me she’s crazy about you. I told her she was just crazy.”

Frank: “I’m in love with Nicole.”
OHCH: “Got it. Man up. Bite the bullet. Think outside the box. I’m not doing it for you. Are we done here? I’ve got a pig in the ground and beer on ice…”

Ali rambles on about her amazing connection with Frank and how she’s ready to take him on a sailboat all day long. She chooses a Flashdance off-the-shoulder see through turquoise top over her bikini. She wears a flower in her Malibu Barbie hair.

She knocks on the door. Frank opens. She flings herself on him as he mumbles, “We need to talk.”

Ali steps back…shocked when Frank asks her to sit down. She pouts her lips and begins fingering her hair extensions.

To no one’s surprise, Frank pauses as Ali bites her fingernails and begins crying before Frank can even say, “It’s not you. It’s me.” Ali begs him to tell her what’s going on. Frank pauses some more. I become irritated and fast forward to find Frank lifting Ali up in glorious praises about how amazing she is and he celebrates their connection.

Frank: “We had an awesome connection. I was crazy about you from the beginning. (PAUSE) My feelings were stronger and stronger and I was falling for you (PAUSE) but there’s something that was holding me back and (PAUSE) basically it was unresolved feelings for an ex-girlfriend named Nicole. And for a while I was thinking that they were just thoughts and didn’t mean anything but during the hometown date I hooked up with her. (PAUSE) I watched you drive away and I thought I could marry that girl, but I have feelings for someone else. (PAUSE.) So before I came to Tahiti and I went to Chicago to see Nicole. I wanted to give closure to that, but the second I saw her…”

Ali realizes that this sentence can’t end well for her.

Frank: “Ali. You are perfect in every way. Just not really because Nicole is truly perfect in every way and I pick her. Thank you for showing me that that 80s song by Cinderella is so true. You don’t know what you’ve got ‘til it’s gone.”

Ali begins to physically melt down before our eyes. The waterproof mascara holds up beautifully to the tears, but the snot turns her nose red, the gloss is smeared across her left cheek and the hair extensions apparently become very itchy when in stressful situations. She rubs her temples. Her ring looks like a lemon drop. Ali takes her flower and throws it on the ground.

That’s symbolism people.

Ali: “It’s so selfish of you to have done this to me. I’ve given up EVERYTHING to be here.”
Frank: “I gave up everything to be here too.”

Ali: “Well apparently not everything. And how DARE you wear yellow to dump me!”

Frank asks for forgiveness. Ali throws her shoes on the ground and cries into her hands. The tape keeps rolling. Frank holds her hand. She threatens to leave. He apologizes again. I implore Ali not to hug him. She does. She waves goodbye (what is with her and waving?) and he pulls her in for a hug. She leaves him with a gallon of snot on his signature yellow Polo.

She falls on the beach to cry it out.

Enter Harrison.

Ali goes through the five stages of depression. Harrison tries not to laugh during her “angry” phase and tells her he’s sorry.

Ali: “I’m questioning myself right now. I don’t want Frank to come back. Why would I even try to get him to stay? I feel so weak. And that’s making me feel angry.”

Harrison gives her a swift pat on the back, checks his watch and asks the ABC intern to run and have the Polynesians hold the luau until he deals with this train wreck. Ali begins a second round of ranting when Harrison takes matters into his own hands and gives his version of “there’s no crying in baseball” speech.

OHCH: “Look. You need to go back to your hut and relax. Perhaps put on something that isn’t see through okay? By the way…stop trying to make Flashdance happen. It’s not going to again. And while you are moping around worrying about Frank, here’s a thought…try and remember the great times you had with two awesome guys that are here for the right reasons, huh? Have you seen Roberto? Seriously Ali. Get a grip. You could flip a coin and win this either way. Oh. Tahiti asked me to tell you to stop picking their flowers and putting them in your hair. It’s illegal. PS: this (points to shirt) is how to properly pull off turquoise.”


Rose Ceremony

Bless her heart. What in the world was Ali wearing? I can’t even describe it properly. I’m pretty sure my Mom wore it in the hospital when she had my sister in 1972, but one can’t be too sure. It was epic. And billowy.

Ali convinces Harrison that she still wants to have a rose ceremony because it’s soooo impor-ant. She wants Chris and Roberto to choose her back. She wants them to be with her…and not Nicole. Harrison seems a bit annoyed, but could use a rest and a couple of aspirin to head is hangover off at the pass. He tells her she has to explain to the boys what happened and she agrees.

Ali: “Hi guys. Obviously Frank’s not here. I didn’t like have a date with him this week. He has like things back home that he didn’t deal with before coming here and he’s gone home to like take care of that. Like it’s really hard but it is what it is. One thing I can confidently say is that I’m one hundred percent positive and say he is not the guy for me.”

Clear as mud. Cape Cod Chris assumes Frank officially came out of the closet and Roberto passes him 20 bucks.

She gives them both roses. They group hug and she announces that her family is waiting to meet them. They’re going to Bora Bora!

Next week is the Men Tell All followed by the most dramatic finale ever. Then we get to start over with the Bachelor Pad.

I can’t contain myself!

All about the shame, not the fame,