Women Tell All

I have an announcement to make before we get started. The day has finally arrived. Your local grocery store now has “Spring” Oreos on their shelf. Go easy people. We still have a few more months until Easter. But I caution you to ration wisely. After the blue and yellow Oreos are gone, your next chance to have the infamous holiday Oreo line is Halloween. Hey…that’s what I’m here for…to spread joy.

Let me just say that I thoroughly enjoy reading the message boards. The college basketball banter is classic. The occasional opportunity to walk through the brilliant minds of some of our more infamous male readers is fascinating. I respect the anonymous readers right to remain anonymous. Even if they prefer Reality Steve to me. To quote Stoner Sarah, “You are entitled to your opinion.”

But the best part of my day is to click my handy counter that only BFF #2 Pauly and I have access. The numbers continue to rise and I continue to be amazed.

Current website count: 123,453


SIMPLE DISCLAIMER

The following information you are about to read is of personal opinion. If this e-mail circulates to friends, family, enemies...that is your business. However, if you or someone in your address book happens to personally know, sort of know, know the brother/cousin of, thought you saw in the grocery store buying tofu or have a nail technician that looks exactly like one of the Bachelorettes on the
show...none of this is personal and I'm sure they are all lovely people.


Oh the Women Tell All. Such an interesting episode. Claws come out. Daggers are thrown. FAKE HUGS ALL AROUND!

Let’s start from the very beginning—arriving in LA!

GETTING TO THE STUDIO
Jamie (sister), Jill (friend) and I were picked up by Tracy (Jill’s sister who lives in LA) early Saturday morning. We were bummed that we were going to miss the “F-Bomb” episode with Susan getting kicked off. We were told that they would show that episode early in the morning. Due to our flight schedule, we missed it.

Armed with directions given to me by the audience coordinator, we headed off to WTA. We passed several high rise network television skyscrapers, a Disney building and made our way to a random neighborhood. This is when I started to get nervous. We found the address and the normal looking office building near a Home Depot. Great. I’m being punked.

I get out of the car and wander up to a gated entrance and see three people in all black. Yes. All black is good. They stare at me. I motion for them to come over to the gate.

“Can I help you?”
“Is this where we go for the Women Tell All?” I ask casually.
“Who wants to know?”

This is when I drop the Chris Harrison card. Sorry Chris, but the ABC interns were not letting me in.

“Chris told us to come straight here from the airport. We were unable to make the viewing of Episode 6. We are just going to the taping of the show. Should I call him?” as I reach for my cell phone.

Enter an audience coordinator who confirms I am who I am and she escorts us into the parking lot.

Yes…a parking lot.

We are told to sign some papers…confidentiality agreements…promising our first born if we breathe a word of what we see to anyone. I sign away. Jill and Jamie are reading their documents. I’m busy trying to find out who gets kicked off. I ask all the interns. Surprisingly…they have no idea!

We make friends with a few local girls who tell us that Susan was kicked off and we have a nice conversation with them. Everyone is surprised we are from Texas and came all the way to LA for Women Tell All. We just smile.

And HOUR later, we are herded (literally) 20 people at a time across the street to another random building that could be mistaken for a dentist office. After another HOUR of waiting in that parking lot, we finally start moving in to the building.

All cell phones, cameras and driver’s licenses are confiscated. Luckily, they did not take our candy stash. Metal detectors and security guards make sure we are not armed. We enter the studio and are told by my audience coordinator friend that she has reserved three seats for us in the VIP section.

I think what made them VIP is the fact that we were sitting beside Our Host Chris Harrison’s wife and her posse. Very fun.


IN THE STUDIO
This is when we meet Chunky B. He’s the comedian guy that keeps the audience reaction on target with what the producers need to film. For instance, we learned to clap. We learned to cheer and clap at the same time. We learned to respond in shock without any claps. We learned to whisper to our neighbor and look disgusted. Fun times. His job was to simply keep our spirits up during the four-hour long taping.


ENTER OUR HOST CHRIS HARRISON
Chunky B announces Chris Harrison and he enters the studio with roaring applause. Looking good. No funky ties. Nice. (Our voices were heard!)

I’m going to take this time to say that Chris Harrison is dang funny. I mean DANG funny. Unfortunately, ABC tends to edit out his witty comments. He was ON for the show. And I saw hardly any of his wit on the edited version last night.

Our Host Chris gives me a quick shout out and we are ready to tape the show.

Applause. Applause. Whooping. Hollering.

The girls come out to put on their microphones. Surreal to see them all standing there. Jill quickly punches me and says, “Who is that girl in the green dress?” Exactly. That would be Shiloh (Who?). I’m wondering why that one chick has on a Wilma Flintstone inspired turquoise necklace.


Susan in the Hot Seat
Susan. Susan delivered didn’t she? She did not let us down. She claims she was proud of how she “acted” on the show. Acted on the show. Acted. It’s hard for her to be in the hot seat. Her feelings have not changed for McHottie. Her Mom is upset. Her ex-fiancé is upset. Girls defend her saying it is OK if she wants to be an actress. WHO CARES cries the one girl you had to look up on the ABC website because you don’t remember that her name was Ali D. Susan wells up with tears. Chris Harrison looks concerned but secretly is excited that he has achieved waterworks within the first 2 minutes of taping. YES! Geehand talks about Susan’s ex-fiancé’s picture being up in the house. Susan does not agree or deny. Chris Harrison talks about her Mom throwing her under the bus. Susan’s lip starts quivering.

Ali D pipes up again and says, “I didn’t know Susan very well, but…”
She is IMMEDIATELY interrupted by Jennie saying, “Then you shouldn’t be in this conversation.”

The audience explodes with a unanimous, “OOOOOOOOOHHHHHHHHHHHH” and a couple of “No she didn’t”. No need for Chunky B to tell us how to react to that one.

Minor cat fight as a result of this statement. Verbal arguments back and forth. Susan is crying. Audience members are placing bets. Jennie adjusts her boobs and Ali D is upset that people are confusing her for rotten eggs doctor Ali G.

Our Host Chris Harrison nearly loses control when he gets tough, uses his deep sports casting voice and demands the girls to calm down. Silence is golden he says. ABC edited. We all laughed in the VIP section.

What you didn’t see was 15 minutes of Susan digging herself into a major hole. She would say one thing and then contradict herself the next statement. Being catty girls that they are, the Bachelorettes would call her out. That hole got deeper and deeper. What to do? Say, “I think I’m falling in love with you” to Chris Harrison? Nope. That won’t work. Proclaim I’m a lesbian? That could hurt my career. I know! I’ll pull a Mowana and start crying hysterically! That will work!

Susan bites her lip and pinches herself with a hidden pair of tweezers in her pocket to muster up some actual tears. She throws in a few shoulder shrugs, occasional throat sobs and makes her way back to her seat.

What you didn’t see during the commercial was Susan dramatically (as if in a rose ceremony) running behind the white Roman column into the arms of one lucky intern. We had a perfect view of her crying, being hugged by the lucky intern, makeup people attending to her every need and an escort walking her back to her seat in case she was too traumatized she may faint.

And why she wore jeans with holes in the knee is beyond me.


Stoner Sarah in the Hot Seat
Stoner Sarah is exactly how you think she is. Laid back. So laid back that she is horizontal. Our Host Chris takes us back with a video montage of Stoner Sarah’s noises. Wasn’t that fun? But then, we see some footage that didn’t make the cut. The talking boobs. They are magic, aren’t they? Ouch. That’s gotta hurt. Getting drunk and climbing into a tree and then not remembering the next day. Poor Stoner. They say she had puppy dog love. Stoner says if you know her, she is beyond her years. Jennie says that she is waaaaay immature because she played with her marshmallows on the camping trip. Jennie then gets to sit through a memory video of herself freaking out about bugs, crying on camera that she loves McHottie and saying her best baby voice that she doesn’t know what more she could have done to show him her love.


Bless Her Heart Kristen in the Hot Seat
Our Host Chris advises Kristen that less is more and asks if she thought the lemon teeth would work on McHottie. She genuinely answers YES! Kristen did not bad mouth anyone on the show and the audience fell in love with her charm and innocence. She was a doll! She did have a poem for the audience that did not make the cut. Good decision on ABC’s part. Good decision. Bless her heart. Seriously.


Rotten Eggs Ali G
Nice editing from ABC, huh? We all thought that Ali G. would come out from behind a curtain or something, but she wasn’t there. She declined to join us for the WTA. So we get to sit through all of the uncomfortable comments again through the magic of video montage. I think the word reproduce or reproduction was used about 26 times. Stoner Sarah told some random story about Ali G. and her filthy mouth. I don’t remember the story. I do remember the bleeping of two “f” bombs and one b!tch. Classy.


McHottie to the Hot Seat
Good Lord. That’s all I have to say. By the time McHottie made it to the hot seat, we were probably in our fourth hour. We were tired of clapping. We yearned for real food instead of the jelly beans Jamie snuck in her purse. My chair kept falling off of the bleacher’s edge, so my thighs were aching from leaning so far over to balance the weight on the opposite side of the chair. Chunky B saw that we were fading and told us to give a big round of applause because the good doctor was in the house.

We obliged. Then he came out and a new energy was born in that room. Imagine normal clapping and whooping. Then he turns the corner. You blink and see him for real. That jaw. That height. And finally that smile. I whistled. Jamie got embarrassed and started blushing. Some of us stood. He’s hot.

And a nice guy. Did not bad mouth anyone. Told us all to get over Ali G. Told us that Susan was not fake. Told us that he had a good friend who he wanted to set up with Lemon Teeth Kristen. Told Stoner Sarah that she lost him with the drunk tree climbing incident.

Then I had to close my eyes (because I didn’t have a pillow or blanket) during the blooper reel. McHottie dancing again. No no no no no. Burps. Interns fixing exposed boobs. Booze. Bees. More boobs. Cursing. Our Host Chris Harrison dropping “f” bombs in Paris. Nice.


Mowana vs. Nashville
Our Host Chris tells us that America is rooting for Mowana. Who is he talking to I’m wondering? Is there some pole I’m not aware of? Was this on the Bachelor website and I should have voted?

The girls talk about how they hate Mowana on the video montage and then talk about how sincere she is at Women Tell All. No one had anything bad to say. Interesting. Our Host Chris was floored. ABC was ticked. Their plan to start a Mowana hating session didn’t even get off the ground.

I’m guessing Mowana’s family is in the mob and they threatened that the girls would be sleeping with the fishes if they said anything. I’m just saying.

At this point, Host Chris asks each girl who they think will be picked. Five vote for Mowana. Mowana and her emotional meltdowns.

My vote is Nashville. We shall see.

All about the shame, not the fame,

Lincee