Episode 5
I’m in California. Every time I call somebody, I say that I’m in CA-LI-FORN-YAAAAAAA like the song from the OC. Yes I watch the OC. That’s not my point…
Here’s my problem. Last night at 7:40, I was about to pass out in my hotel bed. I was no longer vertical, and that is never a good sign. With the two hour time difference, on top of the daylight savings change, it felt like 10:40 to my body. Not to mention the fact that I popped up around 4:15 that morning…again…7:15 a.m. to my body…you can imagine the sleepiness that I felt. I wondered how I was going to make it through the show. Then I realized that the Bachelor does not come on at 8:00 p.m. in California like it does in Texas. ANOTHER HOUR!
I apologize now for any random thoughts…or unfinished thoughts…that may follow. Everyone knows that I have the eating habits and bedtime of a third grader. It’s just who I am. Loving me means loving all of me.
Anybody going to buy the Kevin Federline CD today? Rock on.
SIMPLE DISCLAIMER
This episode is very exciting. Take home dates. Who will he choose? Lisa was the first to capture his heart, but he doesn’t know about her plan. Sadie is all about her V-Card but doesn’t want to rest on her laurels. The Prince is impressed with the teacher from Miami and Agnes caught him from the moment he saw her. Let’s take a whirlwind journey around the globe!
Home Date One
Sadie
San Diego
Our Prince meets Sadie at the beach
Sadie is pumped. She is in her element. She NEVER brings a guy home, so this is huge. SO HUGE, that she gallops across the grassy lawn to greet our Bachelor because she can’t contain her excitement. Sadie also thinks that Chach is SOOOO CUTE! She tells him this right before she encourages him not to say anything “lame” to her parents. We meet the family. Sadie tells them about the best date ever (when she flew) in her best baby voice.
We all know how I feel about baby voices…
The family prays together and has a lovely dinner. Chach talks to Dad about how Sadie has blown him away. Sadie tells Mom that the Prince reminds her of Daddy. Mom says that Chach is very down-to-Earth and locks eyes when he talks. Sadie says the Prince makes her feel safe. Daddy says that he trusts his little angel’s judgment.
Sadie has a surprise for Renzy. Making out at a bonfire on Moonlight Beach. You go with your V-Card Sadie! She admits that she sees potential and it is scaring her.
Home Town Two
Lisa
Portland
Dog Park and more!
Again, we are reminded that Lisa wants to be married and have kids by 30. She said that she will make this happen with the Prince. Chach is concerned that Lisa is the first girl he had an emotional and physical attraction to, but nothing since. But, thank GOODNESS, Lisa decides to break the tension by painting grapes on her wall above the fireplace! There’s nothing like Italian fresco (I don’t care if that is not right) to break the ice.
Meet Allie. Allie is the reason Chach will not choose Lisa as his final girl. Allie decides to smoke a little crack before she visits Lisa. Afterwards, she feels it is a good idea to take a random (yeah right) wedding dress over to Lisa’s house. Lisa opens the door and pretends to be shocked to see this dress. Allie gives Lisa a puff of her doobie, twists her arm and forces her to put on the wedding dress for the Prince.
While Lisa is frantically searching for her strapless bra, Baked Allie lights up again and asks Chach if he knows about Lisa’s timeline.
Timeline? What timeline?
Baked Allie takes a drag, holds it in, and spits out the familiar statistics we’ve all come to know and love… “Married by 26…cough, hack, cough…kids by 30.”
It is at this point that Lisa saunters in wearing the dress. Wearing the freaking dress. Then Baked Allie puts on a Ti-Erica on her head and they giggle like she’s actually engaged or something.
Note: I did not yell at the TV at this point. Not because I’m in a hotel in CALI-FORN-IAAAAAAAAA, but because we already knew Lisa made the mistake of dawning a freaking wedding gown and we yelled at the TV last week.
Just wait…the yelling comes later.
Needless to say, our Prince is a bit freaked out. Bless Lisa’s heart. She feels that she has won major points for this gesture, assuming the Prince is imaging their wedding as she is.
They leave Baked Allie to satisfy her munchies and head for Lisa’s parents’ house. She shares that she had on a wedding dress earlier that day. Luckily, the entire family thinks this is weird. GREAT! Good to know they are not all crazy!
Until…
They all start laughing about how she has wedding magazines everywhere and how she’s had her wedding planned forever and how she knows what the bridesmaids will wear and what cake and the candles and the flowers. Everyone seems to think this is precious.
This is not funny. This is not precious. This is borderline psycho.
Lisa and her Dad go upstairs to talk about how they are going to walk down the isle together at the wedding. Bad move. They leave Chach with the Mom.
You know…the Pilates instructor.
PLEASE STOP. STOP RIGHT NOW. DO NOT DO PILATES CHACH. YOU ARE NOT LISTENING. YOU ARE DOING YOUR HUNDREDS RIGHTN OW IN FRONT OF ME. YOU ARE ON THE FLOOR ON YOUR BACK DOING HUNDREDS. I CAN’T LOOK AWAY. I BEG YOU TO STOP. WHY IS LISA LAUGHING? THIS IS SO UN-FUNNY. PLEASE DISCONTINUE THE PILATES.
Time to leave. His abs are tired.
He tells the family the same line he told Sadie’s family… “I can see where Lisa gets her charming qualities.” Lisa walks him to the door and inserts her tongue down his throat in case he doesn’t know that she digs him.
Chach tells the camera that he has concerns and wonders if Lisa has an agenda.
Insert Jim Halpert face here.
Home Date Three
Jen
Miami Beach
Jen and Chach fish in the rain. Jen catches a shark. She kisses the shark goodbye before they throw him back in the ocean. This turns the Prince on. He wants to be kissed like that shark. They attempt. We all know how that turned out.
Jen tells Chach that her dad is intense. She is an only child and her parents have a hard time sharing. As if the ABC intern did not tell him, Chach asks if her Dad has a lot of guns. Because that is a typical question to ask before meeting the folks!
Jen and Renzy receive an exciting homecoming from the parents. Jen is so happy to see her Daddy. He is her world. Dad doesn’t care if Chach is a Prince, King of England or the President of the United States…he just wants to know if you can make his little girl happy. And how do we find this out? By pulling a gun on him and making him twitch. Or pee his pants. Either one is considered a success.
Dad, as he holds his gun on his lap, asks Chach, “How do you feel about my Jen?”
Chach’s answer? “She is obviously attractive.”
Doh!
Dad cocks gun and Chach starts mumbling something about wholesome and personality.
Home Town Date Four
Venice
Agnes
Chach is excited this is his last stop. He enjoys being around Agnes, but again, his problem is the communication. Agnes admits to the camera that she is nervous about him meeting her parents and that she is “following” for him.
They meet in front of the church Agnes wants to get married in. He tells her she looks very Italian. She asks where he is. He answers that he is here. And that the streets and hospitals are beautiful.
Is this a match made in heaven or what?
They take a gondola ride and swallow each other’s faces under every bridge. They eat at a café and talk about how Anges’ family does not speak English and this might be a problem. Chach predicts a ton of silence during the meeting.
Agnes introduces him to her Mom, Dad and siblings. Chach wants the family to know that he is there with good intensions. It is important for them to know that he is currently living in New York, but is from Italy.
“SO NICE TO MEET YOU ALL…I WISH I COULD SPEAK ITALIAN. I LIVED HERE UNTIL I WAS TWO YEARS OLD.”
Silence.
They try to communicate during dinner as Agnes holds her fork like a three-year-old.
Another round of silence.
What to do to break this silence? What to do to break the language barrier?
The ABC intern suggests the group communicate through the international language. The international language of…
DANCE! Dance WITH masks and hats!
“I saw a lot of beautiful things in Venice, but the most beautiful was Anges.”
Where’s my bucket?
Rose Ceremony
Yes…the Pier One bureau with the photos is back! I’ve missed the bureau. It makes the Prince’s decisions so much easier.
Chach says that he has been blown away by all four ladies and is sorry someone is going to get hurt…but it has to happen. Because those are the rules Chris Harrison told him at the bureau meeting.
Sadie: We knew she would be first. I would re-think the shoes next time.
Jen: Da da da da da da GO CHACH
Lisa: “I do!” she answers enthusiastically as if she has practiced before…
Poor Agnes. Bless her heart. Chach tells her that the number one thing you need in a relationship is communication, and he just didn’t think that they had that.
Really?
Poor Agnes starts to cry. Chach gets emotional and Agnes begins to “ugly cry” in Chach’s neck. Then HE starts crying. He gives her one final ‘gratzee’ and shoves her in the car. Agnes no longer has the energy to speak English. We have subtitles. Bless her heart.
Instead of the Erica bathtub scene Chris Harrison promised, we are tortured with some random soliloquy about how Jen and Sadie are vanilla milkshakes and Lisa is a vanilla milkshake with cinnamon. But Erica is a champagne milkshake.
Okay…maybe not so random.
Everyone excited about the forgo card dates next week? This is where the real fun begins!
All about the shame, not the fame,
Lincee
Tuesday, October 31, 2006
Tuesday, October 24, 2006
Meet Jim Halpert of The Office. This is the Jim Halpert “face” that I always talk about. Sometimes, it’s all you need to truly understand a moment. Sort of a non-verbal “bless her heart” if you will.
Episode Four
I’m going to do this recap a little differently. Last night, I watched the show live. Never again. Instead of being able to fast forward through commercials and wasting only 48 minutes of my life, I endured an hour’s worth of stale Bachelor. I’m not bitter. Last week was the home run…the hole-in-one…ABC went the distance. There’s only one direction to go from there.
Sure, we had a few morsels of good moments tucked away here and there, and I’ve decided to end the recap with a traditional Top Ten list. For those of you who didn’t watch the show last night, let me sum up for you…very quickly…
SIMPLE DISCLAIMER
The following information you are about to read is of personal opinion. If this e-mail circulates to friends, family, enemies...that is your business. However, if you or someone in your address book happens to personally know, sort of know, know the brother/cousin of, thought you saw in the grocery store buying Halloween Oreos or have a nail technician that looks exactly like one of the Bachelorettes on the show...none of this is personal and I'm sure they are all lovely people.
Competing for One
of the One-On-One Dates
In a dramatic twist, our crazy ABC Bachelor writers have brought Erica back to choose who will get the first one-on-one date with the Prince. They’ve kept this a secret from the girls, telling them only that someone they know will be choosing the dates based on their answers to two very difficult questions:
Who is the least deserving of becoming a princess?
Who is the most insincere girl in the house?
Poor Erica sits at the TV, writing comments about each girl on her little pink notepad. Unfortunately, we see how Erica holds a pen…and in turn feel sorry for her that her Nanny never taught her the proper way to grasp a writing utensil.
Pretty much across the board, the girls all think Lisa is undeserving and insincere. Lisa answers Jen. Agnes tells her favorite princess story because she didn’t understand the question and Sadie cries to the camera because she doesn’t like talking bad about people.
The girls reconvene in the drawing room and our host dramatically reveals that it is Erica…a true princess…who has chosen the winner.
One-on-One Date
Fly away with me for a day of pampering!
Sadie
In a nutshell, the Prince flies Sadie around Rome. Here’s a tiny snippet of their stimulating conversation while in the plane:
Sadie: “You really do know how to fly!”
Chach: “I’m not doing a damn thing.”
Insert Jim Halpert face here.
She thinks he is cute, smart and hot and continues to try and grab his hands. It is at this point that I ponder to myself that maybe he needs his hands while flying several miles up in the air. Am I wrong? Oops…I guess so… because now SADIE is in charge of flying the plane. I guess he really wasn’t doing a damn thing. Huh.
Chach says that he loves that she enjoys every second that she is alive and that they bonded. After safely landing, Sadie steps out onto the wing of the plane and screams, “I FLEW” to the top of her lungs. “I FLEW”. Then Chach answers, “YOU FLEW.” Over and over. This tickled me. I don’t know why.
Finally…a hot tub scene.
Sadie gets all serious and brings up her V-card again, thanking Chach for not having a problem with her values. He says that it is weird that guys mind and tells her that they’ve missed out. She thinks this is sexy.
Sadie reveals that she’s noticed the whole day that he wanted to kiss her. In a brilliant plan, she suggests that they pretend it is the end of the date and should just kiss at dinner. Chach likes her confidence and that she initiated the kiss. She gives him a San Diego Chargers t-shirt and he gives her a rose. They make out. The kissing is better…still not good…but better. I’m assuming he practiced on melons with the intern or something.
Group Date
Toga party
Jeanette, Dez, Lisa and Agnes
Dez is a toga princess baby. They participate in a chariot racing contest. There were three races. To me, it would have made a better show if the girls had been driving the chariots themselves, but what can you do?
Jeanette wins. Chach thinks this means she is fearless and a winner at heart.
What? She just rode around in a chariot. How does this make her fearless?
Cut to “Boobs and Butts Weekend” at a random pool and we find the Prince tackling Dez, as if playing football, flinging her into the water—toga and all. This is his way of getting the girls to feel relaxed so they can talk. Lisa finds out there is no rose and is ticked off. Agnes meets him at the swing set to tell him that she is jealous of Sadie for getting a one-on-one date. She wants him to meet her family. He questions if there will be a language barrier with her folks.
Insert Jim Halpert face here.
Meanwhile, Lisa confides in Jeanette that she has her entire home town date figured out…down to the dog park and yummy gelato treat for dessert.
One-on-One Date
A Roman Night on the Town
Jen
This is Jen’s first date with the Prince. Unfortunately, he forgot to tell her that it was a Saturday Night Fever theme date and she felt silly next to him in his white blazer. They ride around in a horse-drawn carriage. They eat dinner on the roof overlooking the Vatican. They talk about teaching and counseling and how she likes to solve problems and how she is the answer to his problem. I got distracted by the ginormous bite of something bright orange that they were both stuffing into their mouths that I quit listening. I don’t each orange food, except for candy corn and Halloween Oreos. They talk about how their parents met. He tells her there is one person for each person and you have to find that person. Good Lord Chach…just give her the rose already.
They visit the Trevi Fountain …with the entire population of Rome watching…and throw coins and make wishes and make out and giggle. Then he thanks her for kissing him. Cringe. Pet peeve of mine.
Rose Ceremony
Dez makes her final plea. She says she is in love with him. (Death sentence. Nail in the coffin. See ya Dez.) Lisa is wearing the earrings she won on the first day. She tells the Prince that it doesn’t bother her that he goes out on other dates…it’s a part of the process. He digs this.
With 0nly two roses left, Chach asks that they not say goodbye…only thank you. I’m throwing up as he gives the roses to Lisa (surprise surprise) and Agnes.
I do have to admit that I thought Agnes was gone. The only thing I can think of is that our Prince has some sort of unresolved fantasy about dating the foreign exchange student back in high school, so he is fulfilling that with Agnes. Or…that he must take a hot girl…just because she’s hot. Or the city of Rome has some sort of agreement with ABC that one of their girls must make it to the final three.
Top Ten Moments of Episode Four
1. When Erica shows up at the castle and asks in her most Princess-like proper voice, “What’s up bitches?” Note to self: Are pink crochet shawls back? Check latest Vogue…
2. When returning to the drawing room from her confessional about who deserves the one-on-one date with the Prince, Lisa tells the group that she thinks everyone deserves to be a princess. Even though she REALLY said that Jen is not pretty without makeup
3. What looked different about Sadie you ask? Bangs.
4. Jeanette wins the chariot race. Scratch that. Jeanette’s driver wins the chariot race for her and as a reward, she gets to have one wish granted by the Prince. Jeanette chooses to play the suck up card and tells the Prince that her wish is for him to enjoy the moment. What in the world? Ask for a rose. Ask for some free cosmetics. Don’t cop out. I can’t tell you how THRILLED I was that the Prince agreed with me. Points for Chach.
5. Lisa swiggin’ out of the champagne bottle at “Boobs and Butts Weekend”
6. “TAKE YOUR TOP OFF! WE’RE GOING STREAKING IN THE QUAD!”
7. Our Host Chris shows us scenes from the hometown dates from next week. Jen’s Dad pulls out a gun and tells the Prince that this particular rifle is the one he would use on the man who treated is daughter inappropriately.
8. Also, a young lady asks Chach if he is aware of Lisa’s “timeline” for marriage. We see wedding magazines and then Lisa in a wedding dress. Please tell me she doesn’t do this in front of him. Please Lord.
9. Erica talking to the camera in a bubble bath? With a tiara?
10. Deleted scene: Dez asks the group the craziest place they’ve ever had sex. Dez: girl’s locker room at her high school; Lisa: floaty in the middle of the lake; Chach: the girls’ villa in Italy
Sure. We believe you Chach.
FYI: I will be out of town next Monday and will do my best to write the recap from my hotel in California. Surf’s up dude. Until then…
All about the shame, not the fame,
Lincee
Tuesday, October 17, 2006
Prince Chach
Episode 3
Yesterday was a torrential downpour in Houston. It literally rained all day long. You can imagine how hard it was to drag myself out of bed to go to work. Gentle thunder, occasional lightning, and the sound of rain hitting the pane of my window. But there was one thing that ruined it all…
It was my third time to hit snooze when I heard this slow talking valley girl rambling on about like princesses, and like tiaras and like people who didn’t go to college. At first I thought it was a dream—a nightmare. But the voices didn’t go away.
It was Socialite Erica with 97,000 watts behind her on Mix 96.5 with Sam Malone in the Morning.
Seriously? Blasphemy.
Don’t ask me about the interview. I was in a panic. Two fears immediately ran through my very morning groggy head at warp speed:
A: Had I taken this recap thing too far and was now dreaming about the Bachelor?
B: Was I going insane and hearing voices?
Once realizing that I was indeed sane and actually hearing Socialite’s voice, I frantically worked through the disheveled covers to turn the alarm off.
What a way to start the morning. There’s nothing like beginning the day with the whining of our great City’s self-proclaimed socialite.
Little did I know that later that night, ABC would bring us the best episode of The Bachelor ever to air in the show’s history. Long live the Chach.
SIMPLE DISCLAIMER
The following information you are about to read is of personal opinion. If this e-mail circulates to friends, family, enemies...that is your business. However, if you or someone in your address book happens to personally know, sort of know, know the brother/cousin of, thought you saw in the grocery store buying Halloween Oreos or have a nail technician that looks exactly like one of the Bachelorettes on the show...none of this is personal and I'm sure they are all lovely people.
Right off the bat, our host Chris Harrison gives us a quick recap of the previous week. He gives us the song and dance about how there are only a few girls left who have the chance to make their fairy tale come true…blah blah blah. In true dramatic fashion, he ends the montage with the scene in which Erica gets her rose. As if to say, “Yes America…she got a rose. You just wait. It’s worth it.”
And of course, ABC did not let me down. It’s as if they have thrown all class to the wind and are embracing any preposterous idea suggested out in the writing room that would have never been considered in seasons before.
I imagine it going this way:
ABC Writing Team
Borghese Conference Room
Borghese Hotel
Midnight
Writer 1: “Guys…guys! We’ve got to think of something. It’s time to figure out who gets the next one-on-one date with Renzy. What are we going to do?”
Writer 2: “I know! We can fly in Renzy’s best friend from New Jersey and have HIM pick the girl based on questions we come up with! Like what is your favorite color? It’s the only way to know for sure if there is going to be a match.”
Writer 3: “C’mon…we’ve done that before. Let’s think of something new.”
Writer 1: “How about we make them take a compatibility test and THAT person will get to go!”
Writer 2: “Dude…I refuse to rip-off E-harmony. Try again.”
Intern: “Why don’t we have them sing an aria in Italian?”
Writers 1, 2, 3: “BRILLIANT! Go fetch us an opera singer. Quickly intern, quickly!”
The intern rushes off and grabs the first woman he sees singing for money at the Borghese Fountain in front of the Borghese Park. She runs the girls through some voice exercises and has each one sing.
Sometimes I can still hear the screeching in my head. Except for Jeanette. That was more croaking.
I was almost distracted by the fact that half of the girls had on evening cocktail dresses while the others had on camo, when the homeless opera woman chooses Jami as the winner.
One-on-one Date
Jami
A Night at the Opera
For the first time in a long time, I actually watched the show last night live. No Tivo. You can imagine how irritated I became when I accidentally changed the channel to TBS. They, of course, were showing Pretty Woman for the millionth time this month. It wasn’t until Prince Chach forgot to snap the diamond/ruby million dollar necklace lid on Jami’s white-gloved hand that I really paid attention and realized that this was not Vivian and Edward. Following ABC’s lead, I decided to embrace the Pretty Woman knock-off and secretly hoped that rocker chick Jami, in her red ball gown, would exclaim, “There’s a band!” when they got to the opera.
Jami is super stoked about her date. She’s never been to an opera before. Chach says that he is the luckiest guy in the world…he gets to drive along the countryside with a woman wearing two million dollars worth of jewelry.
Let’s stop right there and talk about context clues. Why would this make him lucky? Has he always wanted to drive jewelry around the countryside and this is a dream come true finally? Notice he didn’t use an adjective in front of Jami’s name. She wasn’t listed as a beautiful woman or righteous chick.
They get out of the Buick, Jami politely says, “Gratzee” to the door opener, and they enter into a lovely opera house that has been reserved only for them. Jami thinks this is un-believable. In fact, there were several things that Jami thought was un-believable. Do you know what I thought was un-believable? When Chach asks her to sing her aria…and she does. Un-believable.
Lord please don’t let her do it. I begged for her not to. I pleaded for her to graciously say no. My Texas girl gets up ON STAGE…not even at the dinner table, and belts out what can only be described as cat in pain. He lies and tells her that is the best thing he has ever heard and gives her props for humiliating herself on national TV.
At this point, I’m assuming there is some sort of bet going on among Chach, the intern and the camera guy. This was also the first time I had to pause live TV so I could emotionally pull myself together before moving on.
Pushing play.
The Prince is in the middle of talking about how he is passionate about his family and friends when the curtain pulls apart and Random Opera Guy starts his aria. Good for Random Opera Guy for your 15 minutes of fame. I remember when Vanessa Williams did this a few years ago and now she is on Ugly Betty. You go Random Opera Guy. Too bad nobody said your name so we know who you are, but I’m sure you’ve had dozens of downloads on itunes this morning. Congratulations!
Chach and Jami start dancing and it is revealed to us that the Prince is not so sure he has a physical connection with her. The diamond/ruby necklace? Yes. The girl? Not so much.
He tells her that this is the most romantic evening of his life, but it was like dancing with his best friend. He wants to be honest. He can’t give her the rose. She appreciates the honesty. He will never forget this evening.
We see her two seconds later, sans diamond/ruby necklace, sniffing in her white gloves. She is shocked and disappointed. She felt so special and was sent packing. Moments later, the gloves are off, I’m assuming due to snot stains, and Jami tells the camera that she does not usually let her guard down and she is not the kind of girl to stand in the street crying. The ABC Psychotherapist crushes a Valium in her Fresca, cranks up the Lynard Skynard in the limo and bids her adios.
Prince Chach says he cares about her and if he gives her the rose, it would give her the wrong impression. What’s that sparkling thing glimmering under his shirt?
Group Date
Tuscany
Jeanette
Dez
Gina
Jennifer
Lisa
Sadie
Lisa is too cool for school, claiming group dates are lame. Prince Chach encourages the girls to swirl, smell and drink the wine. Dez thanks him and tells him she feels like Princess.
It is when Jeanette and Chach wander through the vineyard, stealing grapes, when he realizes that she is something special. He tells the camera he is blown away by her honesty and that he has had the most meaningful conversation so far.
Later, they all meet by the pool in their matching black swimsuit cover ups, and cheer as our Prince descends the stairs. He asks if he is underdressed. My answer would be to take your board shorts back to Old Navy, but nobody asked me.
Sadie wraps herself in a ginormous towel to tell him about her V-card. He does all he can to muster up a solemn face, and confides that he is impressed with her values.
Chach then pulls Lisa away for some alone time. He tells her he had an amazing time at the park. She agrees. Chit chat. Chit chat.
Then it happens. My heart is racing fast right now just remember this moment as I write about it. My face is flushed. I’m shaking my head as I type.
Prince CHACH asks Lisa if he could kiss her. She said yes and then they do it. It wasn’t as bad as Agnes, but not all that great either. Then, they talk about how nice that 2.4 second kiss was. Then they talk about doing it again later.
Pausing live TV.
What? What am I watching? Is he 12-years-old? Did I miss something? Are we creating another movie moment again? Tom Hanks from Big maybe? I don’t get it. Did that conversation really just happen?
Rewind. Play.
Pause.
Seriously? That just happened. He asks permission to kiss. I guess that’s fine, but just go for it dude. And then to talk how nice that was? And to request permission again? Let’s hope the intern, who is probably getting more action than my boy Renzy, gives him some pointers later on.
Lisa looks down the eye of the camera with an evil gleam and says her plan is in motion.
Bikini time! Chicken fight! Blasphemy!
Cut to the group on Prince Chach’s bed. They are playing truth or dare. Classic…but dangerous. You can learn a lot from truth or dare. (And spin the bottle…or remote control…whatever the case may be.) Proceed with caution.
Question: Why in the world, on a show where you are basically competing for a Chach, would you dare someone ELSE to put a grape in THEIR mouth and feed it to the Chach? Answers? Anyone?
Dingbat Jennifer dares Dez to do this. As we remember, Dez is the frisky one who told our Chach that she wouldn’t mind getting it on in the Janitor’s closet of the Pet Spa back home in the States. Not a good choice Dingbat Jennifer.
Mute Gina finds her words and asks Dingbat Jennifer to belly shot what looked to be lemonade off of the Chach. And you KNOW there was a belly hair floating around in that shot. Vomit.
In an attempt to check if she is still in the running for a glass slipper, Sadie asks Prince which girls in the house he has kissed. Chach says he has kissed everyone on the cheek. Which is an entire Chach thing to say.
Timeline Lisa says that he did this to protect her and their future child.
The next morning, Jennifer and Chach bond on the balcony. She talks about how she fell in to teaching. She thinks it is very rewarding profession and he thinks it is so sweet. She feels a connection.
And another terrible kiss. Lord help us all get through this season.
Our crafty intern places the black silk pillow with the rose in the middle of the breakfast table, which I thought was awesome. Chach tells us that if he had six of them, I would give them to you all. Oh really? Jeanette gets the rose. Lisa is ready to shoot daggers. Sadie wonders if this is because of her Vcard situation.
Two-on-One Date
Erica and Agnes
Big Date That Fell Through and
Ended Up Being Pizza in the Castle
Erica tells the camera that she gets along with Agnes because she speaks very slowly and in an Italian accent. She lets Agnes know that “We not be tired” and “We must look pretty for date” so they turn in early.
The next day, Chach’s Buick comes over to pick the girls up. They all hug each other bye as if they are BeFri’s. The Buick drops them off at the castle. Poor Erica’s extensions are getting a little knappy.
Plans fell through for the romantic two-on-one date, so he invites them in the castle for pizza. Since their party clothes are so binding, he invites them to wear anything in his closet. Because he is a size 6, this turns out perfect for Ag and Erica.
Our Prince pulls our Princess away for some private time, leaving Agnes, where else? On the bed eating her pizza.
Erica says that she doesn’t need the novelty of Rome…she is all about the Prince. She asks if he wants to know anything else. His reply? No.
Uh oh…
ABC is salivating. Renzy is rushed off for his Italian tutorials and they quickly plop Erica down for an interview:
“Lorenzo is royalty…not a commoner…he definitely needs me because no one else could do the job. Agnes is like a gold digger…He can find a girl like Jen anywhere. A virgin like Sadie, okay maybe that is a little rare. And a girl like Lisa is just one notch up from that, but I am like seven notches up from that. At like 100. I am so in to Lorenzo and would like to get a rose and after that I would like him to stop being such a dumb ass and show some interest in me.”
I love Erica.
And now for a very important announcement
from our Prince Lorenzo Borghese:
“I like Agnes, but what I’m concerned about is the language barrier. In order to have a relationship, you have to communicate.”
[Insert Jim Halpert look from Lincee here.]
Both girls sit Indian style on the bed as he tells Erica she is bright and beautiful. (Huh?) He then asks Agnes to accept the rose. She swallows his non-existent upper lip, he mentally high-fives himself and then drags Erica downstairs.
She slowly finds her way down the marble staircase in Renzy’s best pink Polo shirt, babbling on about people judging people…the fact that Jami and Chach weren’t compatible…I was right...I told you so…how she’s bringing sexy back…I like dogs too...I already have my own tiara…people have been judging me my whole life and you know because Prince’s get judged and it is not fair.
He said that she was bi-polar.
It took the intern, our host Chris Harrison and the ABC Psychotherapist, but they rallied around to finally get Erica in the limo. Prince Chach is upset. Read the body language…crossed arms and stern face. Erica is still pleading her case through the two-inch crack in the back window. She is sorry he made a very bad mistake.
Gearing up for some serious “conversation,” our Prince heads up to the bedroom balcony and asks Agnes to watch the “lights of Rome” with him. She is aggressively trying to stick her tongue down his ear, but he is insistent that she maintains focus above the trees. Of course, she has no clue what he is saying, and it is obvious due to the fact that she almost had a heart attack when the fireworks go off. Cut to the girls back at home cracking open the champagne because the “luggage boy” took the drama queen’s stuff to the airport. (And for some reason, they get all excited about the distant fireworks…just as they did for the helicopter.) The ABC camera crew gets a behind shot of our Prince and Agnes while intern gestures for Chach to kiss her again with the fireworks behind. What pretty editing.
Back in the limo, Erica tells us that Lorenzo judged her because she’s pretty, popular and comes from the same background. “He just wants a Cinderella …
It’s a disgusting gross fairy tale…poor girl meets rich guy and they fall in love and live happily ever after. I’m so over that story.”
ROSE CEREMONY
Sadie: Cute little Sadie…WARNING! That’s what you say about your friend’s kid sister. Ouch.
Lisa: tick tock tick tock
Jennifer: Bless her heart. Forgot to brush her hair.
Dez: I never thought a rose would mean so much, Baby
Chach’s head is bowed in shame. Gina is out and struggling to not cry…or should we say struggling TO cry? Could we not get someone better from central casting ABC? She did a horrible job. Do you know why I know she is faking? Because she tells the camera she is so sad. C’mon ABC. You did so well up until the end. Keep your head in the GAME!
Of course it is at the very end where we stay tuned for scenes from the next Bachelor that we find our beloved Erica is not gone for good.
ABC really does love me.
All about the shame, not the fame,
Lincee
Episode 3
Yesterday was a torrential downpour in Houston. It literally rained all day long. You can imagine how hard it was to drag myself out of bed to go to work. Gentle thunder, occasional lightning, and the sound of rain hitting the pane of my window. But there was one thing that ruined it all…
It was my third time to hit snooze when I heard this slow talking valley girl rambling on about like princesses, and like tiaras and like people who didn’t go to college. At first I thought it was a dream—a nightmare. But the voices didn’t go away.
It was Socialite Erica with 97,000 watts behind her on Mix 96.5 with Sam Malone in the Morning.
Seriously? Blasphemy.
Don’t ask me about the interview. I was in a panic. Two fears immediately ran through my very morning groggy head at warp speed:
A: Had I taken this recap thing too far and was now dreaming about the Bachelor?
B: Was I going insane and hearing voices?
Once realizing that I was indeed sane and actually hearing Socialite’s voice, I frantically worked through the disheveled covers to turn the alarm off.
What a way to start the morning. There’s nothing like beginning the day with the whining of our great City’s self-proclaimed socialite.
Little did I know that later that night, ABC would bring us the best episode of The Bachelor ever to air in the show’s history. Long live the Chach.
SIMPLE DISCLAIMER
The following information you are about to read is of personal opinion. If this e-mail circulates to friends, family, enemies...that is your business. However, if you or someone in your address book happens to personally know, sort of know, know the brother/cousin of, thought you saw in the grocery store buying Halloween Oreos or have a nail technician that looks exactly like one of the Bachelorettes on the show...none of this is personal and I'm sure they are all lovely people.
Right off the bat, our host Chris Harrison gives us a quick recap of the previous week. He gives us the song and dance about how there are only a few girls left who have the chance to make their fairy tale come true…blah blah blah. In true dramatic fashion, he ends the montage with the scene in which Erica gets her rose. As if to say, “Yes America…she got a rose. You just wait. It’s worth it.”
And of course, ABC did not let me down. It’s as if they have thrown all class to the wind and are embracing any preposterous idea suggested out in the writing room that would have never been considered in seasons before.
I imagine it going this way:
ABC Writing Team
Borghese Conference Room
Borghese Hotel
Midnight
Writer 1: “Guys…guys! We’ve got to think of something. It’s time to figure out who gets the next one-on-one date with Renzy. What are we going to do?”
Writer 2: “I know! We can fly in Renzy’s best friend from New Jersey and have HIM pick the girl based on questions we come up with! Like what is your favorite color? It’s the only way to know for sure if there is going to be a match.”
Writer 3: “C’mon…we’ve done that before. Let’s think of something new.”
Writer 1: “How about we make them take a compatibility test and THAT person will get to go!”
Writer 2: “Dude…I refuse to rip-off E-harmony. Try again.”
Intern: “Why don’t we have them sing an aria in Italian?”
Writers 1, 2, 3: “BRILLIANT! Go fetch us an opera singer. Quickly intern, quickly!”
The intern rushes off and grabs the first woman he sees singing for money at the Borghese Fountain in front of the Borghese Park. She runs the girls through some voice exercises and has each one sing.
Sometimes I can still hear the screeching in my head. Except for Jeanette. That was more croaking.
I was almost distracted by the fact that half of the girls had on evening cocktail dresses while the others had on camo, when the homeless opera woman chooses Jami as the winner.
One-on-one Date
Jami
A Night at the Opera
For the first time in a long time, I actually watched the show last night live. No Tivo. You can imagine how irritated I became when I accidentally changed the channel to TBS. They, of course, were showing Pretty Woman for the millionth time this month. It wasn’t until Prince Chach forgot to snap the diamond/ruby million dollar necklace lid on Jami’s white-gloved hand that I really paid attention and realized that this was not Vivian and Edward. Following ABC’s lead, I decided to embrace the Pretty Woman knock-off and secretly hoped that rocker chick Jami, in her red ball gown, would exclaim, “There’s a band!” when they got to the opera.
Jami is super stoked about her date. She’s never been to an opera before. Chach says that he is the luckiest guy in the world…he gets to drive along the countryside with a woman wearing two million dollars worth of jewelry.
Let’s stop right there and talk about context clues. Why would this make him lucky? Has he always wanted to drive jewelry around the countryside and this is a dream come true finally? Notice he didn’t use an adjective in front of Jami’s name. She wasn’t listed as a beautiful woman or righteous chick.
They get out of the Buick, Jami politely says, “Gratzee” to the door opener, and they enter into a lovely opera house that has been reserved only for them. Jami thinks this is un-believable. In fact, there were several things that Jami thought was un-believable. Do you know what I thought was un-believable? When Chach asks her to sing her aria…and she does. Un-believable.
Lord please don’t let her do it. I begged for her not to. I pleaded for her to graciously say no. My Texas girl gets up ON STAGE…not even at the dinner table, and belts out what can only be described as cat in pain. He lies and tells her that is the best thing he has ever heard and gives her props for humiliating herself on national TV.
At this point, I’m assuming there is some sort of bet going on among Chach, the intern and the camera guy. This was also the first time I had to pause live TV so I could emotionally pull myself together before moving on.
Pushing play.
The Prince is in the middle of talking about how he is passionate about his family and friends when the curtain pulls apart and Random Opera Guy starts his aria. Good for Random Opera Guy for your 15 minutes of fame. I remember when Vanessa Williams did this a few years ago and now she is on Ugly Betty. You go Random Opera Guy. Too bad nobody said your name so we know who you are, but I’m sure you’ve had dozens of downloads on itunes this morning. Congratulations!
Chach and Jami start dancing and it is revealed to us that the Prince is not so sure he has a physical connection with her. The diamond/ruby necklace? Yes. The girl? Not so much.
He tells her that this is the most romantic evening of his life, but it was like dancing with his best friend. He wants to be honest. He can’t give her the rose. She appreciates the honesty. He will never forget this evening.
We see her two seconds later, sans diamond/ruby necklace, sniffing in her white gloves. She is shocked and disappointed. She felt so special and was sent packing. Moments later, the gloves are off, I’m assuming due to snot stains, and Jami tells the camera that she does not usually let her guard down and she is not the kind of girl to stand in the street crying. The ABC Psychotherapist crushes a Valium in her Fresca, cranks up the Lynard Skynard in the limo and bids her adios.
Prince Chach says he cares about her and if he gives her the rose, it would give her the wrong impression. What’s that sparkling thing glimmering under his shirt?
Group Date
Tuscany
Jeanette
Dez
Gina
Jennifer
Lisa
Sadie
Lisa is too cool for school, claiming group dates are lame. Prince Chach encourages the girls to swirl, smell and drink the wine. Dez thanks him and tells him she feels like Princess.
It is when Jeanette and Chach wander through the vineyard, stealing grapes, when he realizes that she is something special. He tells the camera he is blown away by her honesty and that he has had the most meaningful conversation so far.
Later, they all meet by the pool in their matching black swimsuit cover ups, and cheer as our Prince descends the stairs. He asks if he is underdressed. My answer would be to take your board shorts back to Old Navy, but nobody asked me.
Sadie wraps herself in a ginormous towel to tell him about her V-card. He does all he can to muster up a solemn face, and confides that he is impressed with her values.
Chach then pulls Lisa away for some alone time. He tells her he had an amazing time at the park. She agrees. Chit chat. Chit chat.
Then it happens. My heart is racing fast right now just remember this moment as I write about it. My face is flushed. I’m shaking my head as I type.
Prince CHACH asks Lisa if he could kiss her. She said yes and then they do it. It wasn’t as bad as Agnes, but not all that great either. Then, they talk about how nice that 2.4 second kiss was. Then they talk about doing it again later.
Pausing live TV.
What? What am I watching? Is he 12-years-old? Did I miss something? Are we creating another movie moment again? Tom Hanks from Big maybe? I don’t get it. Did that conversation really just happen?
Rewind. Play.
Pause.
Seriously? That just happened. He asks permission to kiss. I guess that’s fine, but just go for it dude. And then to talk how nice that was? And to request permission again? Let’s hope the intern, who is probably getting more action than my boy Renzy, gives him some pointers later on.
Lisa looks down the eye of the camera with an evil gleam and says her plan is in motion.
Bikini time! Chicken fight! Blasphemy!
Cut to the group on Prince Chach’s bed. They are playing truth or dare. Classic…but dangerous. You can learn a lot from truth or dare. (And spin the bottle…or remote control…whatever the case may be.) Proceed with caution.
Question: Why in the world, on a show where you are basically competing for a Chach, would you dare someone ELSE to put a grape in THEIR mouth and feed it to the Chach? Answers? Anyone?
Dingbat Jennifer dares Dez to do this. As we remember, Dez is the frisky one who told our Chach that she wouldn’t mind getting it on in the Janitor’s closet of the Pet Spa back home in the States. Not a good choice Dingbat Jennifer.
Mute Gina finds her words and asks Dingbat Jennifer to belly shot what looked to be lemonade off of the Chach. And you KNOW there was a belly hair floating around in that shot. Vomit.
In an attempt to check if she is still in the running for a glass slipper, Sadie asks Prince which girls in the house he has kissed. Chach says he has kissed everyone on the cheek. Which is an entire Chach thing to say.
Timeline Lisa says that he did this to protect her and their future child.
The next morning, Jennifer and Chach bond on the balcony. She talks about how she fell in to teaching. She thinks it is very rewarding profession and he thinks it is so sweet. She feels a connection.
And another terrible kiss. Lord help us all get through this season.
Our crafty intern places the black silk pillow with the rose in the middle of the breakfast table, which I thought was awesome. Chach tells us that if he had six of them, I would give them to you all. Oh really? Jeanette gets the rose. Lisa is ready to shoot daggers. Sadie wonders if this is because of her Vcard situation.
Two-on-One Date
Erica and Agnes
Big Date That Fell Through and
Ended Up Being Pizza in the Castle
Erica tells the camera that she gets along with Agnes because she speaks very slowly and in an Italian accent. She lets Agnes know that “We not be tired” and “We must look pretty for date” so they turn in early.
The next day, Chach’s Buick comes over to pick the girls up. They all hug each other bye as if they are BeFri’s. The Buick drops them off at the castle. Poor Erica’s extensions are getting a little knappy.
Plans fell through for the romantic two-on-one date, so he invites them in the castle for pizza. Since their party clothes are so binding, he invites them to wear anything in his closet. Because he is a size 6, this turns out perfect for Ag and Erica.
Our Prince pulls our Princess away for some private time, leaving Agnes, where else? On the bed eating her pizza.
Erica says that she doesn’t need the novelty of Rome…she is all about the Prince. She asks if he wants to know anything else. His reply? No.
Uh oh…
ABC is salivating. Renzy is rushed off for his Italian tutorials and they quickly plop Erica down for an interview:
“Lorenzo is royalty…not a commoner…he definitely needs me because no one else could do the job. Agnes is like a gold digger…He can find a girl like Jen anywhere. A virgin like Sadie, okay maybe that is a little rare. And a girl like Lisa is just one notch up from that, but I am like seven notches up from that. At like 100. I am so in to Lorenzo and would like to get a rose and after that I would like him to stop being such a dumb ass and show some interest in me.”
I love Erica.
And now for a very important announcement
from our Prince Lorenzo Borghese:
“I like Agnes, but what I’m concerned about is the language barrier. In order to have a relationship, you have to communicate.”
[Insert Jim Halpert look from Lincee here.]
Both girls sit Indian style on the bed as he tells Erica she is bright and beautiful. (Huh?) He then asks Agnes to accept the rose. She swallows his non-existent upper lip, he mentally high-fives himself and then drags Erica downstairs.
She slowly finds her way down the marble staircase in Renzy’s best pink Polo shirt, babbling on about people judging people…the fact that Jami and Chach weren’t compatible…I was right...I told you so…how she’s bringing sexy back…I like dogs too...I already have my own tiara…people have been judging me my whole life and you know because Prince’s get judged and it is not fair.
He said that she was bi-polar.
It took the intern, our host Chris Harrison and the ABC Psychotherapist, but they rallied around to finally get Erica in the limo. Prince Chach is upset. Read the body language…crossed arms and stern face. Erica is still pleading her case through the two-inch crack in the back window. She is sorry he made a very bad mistake.
Gearing up for some serious “conversation,” our Prince heads up to the bedroom balcony and asks Agnes to watch the “lights of Rome” with him. She is aggressively trying to stick her tongue down his ear, but he is insistent that she maintains focus above the trees. Of course, she has no clue what he is saying, and it is obvious due to the fact that she almost had a heart attack when the fireworks go off. Cut to the girls back at home cracking open the champagne because the “luggage boy” took the drama queen’s stuff to the airport. (And for some reason, they get all excited about the distant fireworks…just as they did for the helicopter.) The ABC camera crew gets a behind shot of our Prince and Agnes while intern gestures for Chach to kiss her again with the fireworks behind. What pretty editing.
Back in the limo, Erica tells us that Lorenzo judged her because she’s pretty, popular and comes from the same background. “He just wants a Cinderella …
It’s a disgusting gross fairy tale…poor girl meets rich guy and they fall in love and live happily ever after. I’m so over that story.”
ROSE CEREMONY
Sadie: Cute little Sadie…WARNING! That’s what you say about your friend’s kid sister. Ouch.
Lisa: tick tock tick tock
Jennifer: Bless her heart. Forgot to brush her hair.
Dez: I never thought a rose would mean so much, Baby
Chach’s head is bowed in shame. Gina is out and struggling to not cry…or should we say struggling TO cry? Could we not get someone better from central casting ABC? She did a horrible job. Do you know why I know she is faking? Because she tells the camera she is so sad. C’mon ABC. You did so well up until the end. Keep your head in the GAME!
Of course it is at the very end where we stay tuned for scenes from the next Bachelor that we find our beloved Erica is not gone for good.
ABC really does love me.
All about the shame, not the fame,
Lincee
Tuesday, October 10, 2006
Prince Lorenzo: Episode 2
Dear ABC Editors:
I would like to take this opportunity to personally thank you for airing last night’s episode. You are truly doing an amazing job with what you’ve been given to work with and I admire the steps you’ve taken to make this reality show something worth tuning in to every Monday night. Congratulations.
It doesn’t matter that Erica is whining from the beginning until the end. You encourage her to tug on her extensions.
You embrace Kim’s drunk chatter on the beaches of the Mediterranean, and go so far as to have the intern translate her slurring words for America.
You even choose to air the moments of sheer dorkness when our Chach-of-a-Prince gets giddy about looking, almost touching, being tackled or heaven forbid, KISSED by a girl. (Must…get…vision…out…of…head…make…it…stop…)
My hat’s off to you. Congratulations on a job well done.
Your friend,
Lincee
SIMPLE DISCLAIMER
The following information you are about to read is of personal opinion. If this e-mail circulates to friends, family, enemies...that is your business. However, if you or someone in your address book happens to personally know, sort of know, know the brother/cousin of, thought you saw in the grocery store buying Halloween Oreos or have a nail technician that looks exactly like one of the Bachelorettes on the show...none of this is personal and I'm sure they are all lovely people.
We begin with our host Chris Harrison inviting the ladies out to the backyard for the group date spiel. How he was able to get through without being transfixed by Erica’s boobs is beyond me, but our host is a pro. He explains that there will be two group dates and since Lisa received the first rose, she will get the first one-on-one date. Our Prince will be extending a rose on the two group dates and will send Lisa home to the palace with a rose or home to USA with a nice parting gift of pet spa coupons.
Cut to Erica hoisting one of her 14 pieces of luggage onto a bed in the palace. The camera quickly follows her to the balcony of the palace (because you know some smart person said, “yeah…someone stick with this girl the ENTIRE time) as she yells in her best socialite voice, “CCCCHHHRRRRRRRRIIIIIIIISSSSSSSSSS!”
Our host follows the sound of the screeching and is confronted by an extremely miffed Daddy’s girl. Erica is upset. She’s not impressed with the palace. She doesn’t want to live in a room with three other girls and there is something significantly missing…a maid. By some subtle prodding by the ABC intern, she starts tugging her extensions and asks Chris Harrison in her best baby voice, “What am I supposed to do? Hire one of the other girls to be by maid?”
At this point, ABC had to edit. They just had to. There is no way our host Chris Harrison would have been able to keep stone cold. No way. I have to admit I was secretly hoping he would turn to the camera for a split second and give his Bachelor fans one of those adorable “Jim Halpert” faces, but he didn’t.
GROUP DATE 1
Romping Around Rome
Erica
Jami
Sadie
Ellen
Italian girl
It’s 10 minutes into the show and we have our first Chach moment from the Prince. He’s been told that he is going on a date with five girls and that is enough to make him squeal with glee. He straight out tells the camera, “I’m lucky if it’s me and ONE girl on a date.” Really Chach? You don’t say.
They go to the Colosseum, dress up like Gladiators and take pictures. Dork moment number two.
Prince Chach saunters off with Italian girl, who Erica calls Agnus, and attempts to communicate with this foreigner. Italian Agnus says Prince is “a handsome man and I’m in love with you and I want to kiss you.” Unfortunately, the Prince didn’t quite catch all that and confesses to the camera that he has a concern that communication might be a problem with Italian Agnus. You think?
They all hop on scooters, trying to recreate Roman Holiday and thinking this is the coolest thing ever. Crafty Erica said her driver’s license was expired and had to ride on the back of Prince Chach’s hog. They talk about the normal first date stuff…you know…how he has nice abs, how she can’t stand her roommates, her first sexual experience and a quick run-down of her last three serious relationships. It doesn’t matter that everyone was honking at them or that her helmet was on backwards, she was going to connect with her Prince.
The group finds their destination at sundown and are taken to a room full of fancy gowns. Squealing again. Where’s the mute button? Girls are twirling. Jami is holding a bra up to her boobs so they are not exposed to the little children. They all get dressed and meet on the roof for cocktails.
Prince Chach proclaims the girls look awesome. He gets a right on rocker sign from Jami. Poor Italian Agnus has no idea what is going on. He says he could be the King of Rome right now and kisses all the girls on the cheek.
Dork moment number three.
One quick conversation with Jami about tats and something about butterflies and wings and no longer being a caterpillar, when Erica pulls Prince away for some alone time.
Prince Chach asks Erica about the women in the house. Erica says that she doesn’t think Jami is right for him. Why he asks? Because she didn’t go to college. Prince Chach steps out of his dorkness for a moment and tells Erica that she can’t judge people based on them not having the same privileges she had. Erica comes back with a sound response.
I do judge.
Can we get a round of applause for blatant honesty?
Erica doesn’t even attempt to back track, because “thou shalt judge” is one of the 10 Commandments in her world. Prince leaves her on the balcony and in steps our favorite ABC Psychotherapist to help draw out the true meaning of what Erica was saying.
Which is…she judges people based on how they look and how much money they have.
“Let’s go with it!” the Psychotherapist announces and cameras start to role again.
“It is my opinion. It is my OPINION! I feel embarrassed…he asked me to judge, and I gave him my opinion. He is privileged and I am too. He doesn’t want a true princess. I can’t go to the rose ceremony. I will be going home without a rose and some other girl will and I will hate her. HATE HERRRRRRRRRRR. ”
Our Prince is now talking to Sadie about being married and finding true love on the Bachelor. He says it is the best conversation he has ever had. Sadie is secretly wondering if sizes run large in glass slippers. She will have to check.
ONE-ON-ONE DATE
Lisa
A Picnic in the Borghese Family Park
Meet Lisa. She has her whole freaking life mapped out. She’s watched the Bachelor for nine seasons and is convinced it helps people like her find true love. Her five-year plan needs to be put in action RIGHT NOW and there is no stopping her from falling in love with her Prince.
Prince takes her to his family’s park…which is the most famous park in Rome. Lisa clings to his every word and tells him this is her perfect idea of a date…hanging out and being normal.
The twosome sit and have a picnic among a grove of trees. Prince tells Lisa that it won’t bother him if she wants to make out with one of the trees. He chuckles at his little joke and then starts a long soliloquy of how he hates when people feel the need to rush in to marriage based on a timeline.
Nice.
Lisa decides to use her head and keeps her “married by 30” plan to herself for the time being. They eat again that night. Talk about statues in the park that are of his relatives. He makes up stories about each one of them and she stars at him with anxious eyes, knowing that with each minute that ticks away, she is one step closer to 30. The night ends with him giving her a rose.
GROUP DATE 2
Frolicking in the Mediterranean
Sarah
Kim
Dez
Jeanette
Gina
Jennifer
Prince Chach is stoked that he is picking up the girls in a helicopter. The girls are in the backyard and see to choppers go over the house. They joke about how they are coming to pick them up and then realize the dream has come true!
Why, dear reader, was this so exciting? I think it would be fun to ride in a helicopter, but I don’t think I would have been this excited. I mean girls were screaming at the top of their lungs (you know how I love that) and skirts were whipping in the air to reveal panties and the phrase SHUT UP was uttered at least a million times by Dez. But was it really worth the excitement?
Once they arrive at the beach, it is a nice mixture of booze, boobs and bikinis. The girls are pumped that Prince took his shirt off and that he is so hot.
I guess they haven’t seen every other Bachelor, because I didn’t get it. He’s not bad, but hot? Take me back to the days of Bachelorettes. There were some nice bodies on that show. Remember Matt? I do…
They begin a friendly game of tackle beach football. Blonde Bombshells against the Brilliant Brunettes. Our Prince goes into Chach mode once again and gushes to the camera. Girls are actually TOUCHING him in BIKINIS. And he saw Sarah’s butt! This is the best date EVER!
Calm down Chach. Play it cool. You are a freaking pretend Prince. Act like one. Do you think Harry and William get all hot and bothered out on their yacht with the girls? Of course they do! They are GUYS. But they are suave enough to pull it off. Take it down a notch my friend.
Jennifer strikes up a conversation about high school sports. We learn that the Prince played football, squash and baseball. Jen divulges that she was a cheerleader (no joke) and to prove it, executes a somewhat ugly herkie. For that, he gives her a rose.
Dez encourages him to join her in the water baby. The Prince says that he hasn’t been called baby since he was in diapers and annoyingly asks her if she has a serious side.
RED FLAG DEZ…PROCEED WITH CAUTION.
My girl Dez says that she can be intimate and is down for “it” any time of the day.
That seems to be good enough for our Prince and they walk off to the rest of the girls.
AND NOW FOR THE MOMENT
WE HAVE ALL BEEN WAITING FOR!
Kim is trashed. She says she was tired, but was really passed out. Pouty Gina, who has said zero words this entire show, is upset that Kim is acting so immature.
Through varying hiccups, Kim attempts to have a conversation with the camera, but is at a loss for any eligible words except for the occasional f-bomb and the uttering of, “honestly…I’m going to throw up.” She then falls down in the intern’s lap. He quickly props her up on a lounge chair, throws some decorative Pier 1 pillows behind her head and tries to pull a “Weekend at Bernie’s” on us.
When the Prince tries to wake her up, a moment of wonder, amusement and a sheer happiness bubbled up inside me. Here is what our dear Kim said to the camera:
I hate you guys
The damn, eh
The lod deb us
I hate you loof
Have a damn
Blasphemy, that
I planted that last rose
I hate vodka
I’m sweating beads
Oh I thought he was the waiter
How embarrassing
I’m embarrassed
F#$%
You’re really laughing with me?
I know I watched that scene 12 times on my DVR. I laughed. I cried. I strained to make out the words. I wanted to kiss the ABC intern for translating. I was inspired to try and use the word blasphemy more in conversation. I laughed some more. I forgave ABC for such a terrible episode. And of course I prayed that she would receive a rose so that we could be enlightened with more of “Guess What’s She’s Saying: Drunk Talk with Bachelorette Kim.”
Classic. LOVED IT! That my friends is Bachelor Hall of Fame material.
ROSE CEREMONY
Prince takes Italian girl outside to try and convince himself that it is not worth keeping her for her looks and that a relationship without talking is just silly. He tells her that he likes that she is trying so hard and that her English is way better than his Italian. At that moment, Italian girl plants a wet one on our Prince.
I choose at this moment, to not call him a Chach. Let’s pray to the good Lord that he wasn’t ready for the attack. Or that her breath was bad.
Because this was THE MOST AWKWARD thing I have ever seen in my life. Terrible. Horrible. I hid my eyes, but then rewound it to watch again. Why do I do that? I think I was hoping I saw it wrong or that maybe it was as BAD as I thought, but no. It was just wrong.
Meanwhile, poor Kim explains her careless actions at the beach to the camera crew and tries to masquerade her passing out on the beach as a little cat nap. “I mean, who wouldn’t after a long day out in the sun want to shut their eyes for a little bit?”
All the girls get a little irritated when Lisa steals away the Prince. She already has a rose. LET US HAVE A CHANCE!
Supposedly, when she walked by Ellen and Sadie, there were words exchanged. I don’t know, or care, what Ellen thought she her or if Lisa said it, but it made Lisa cry. And that is just good TV.
Jami and Dez go off exploring the place and find our Prince’s bedroom. They smell the sheets, and his boxers and wonder if they will get caught. IRONICALLY, the Prince catches them and they decide to have a pillow fight on the bed with him in it. It’s all he can do to not die from a heart attack right then and there. TWO GIRLS IN HIS BED! The ABC intern tells the others that there is a party going on in the Bachelor pad and the others run up to join the fun. Sarah cranks up the music and we have a dance off. Lots of grinding, humping and a little 80s action thrown in there for good measure.
Our host Chris clinks his champagne glass and it is time for the
ROSE CEREMONY.
Jeanette: I don’t remember her in the show.
Dez: I guess he doesn’t mind the baby talk after all
Jami: He digs the rocker chick’s butterfly tat
Gina: Maybe one day we will hear her speak
Italian girl: Self explanatory
Erica: Flouncing up to his grace, “You made a really good decision!”
Lisa: tick.tock.tick.tock
Sadie: humming “some day my Prince will come…”
Jennifer: I say Prince, you say Chach, PRINCE chach PRINCE chach
Even though Drunk Kim got the axe, I think we will have our fun with Erica. She won’t let us down!
All about the shame, not the fame,
Lincee
Dear ABC Editors:
I would like to take this opportunity to personally thank you for airing last night’s episode. You are truly doing an amazing job with what you’ve been given to work with and I admire the steps you’ve taken to make this reality show something worth tuning in to every Monday night. Congratulations.
It doesn’t matter that Erica is whining from the beginning until the end. You encourage her to tug on her extensions.
You embrace Kim’s drunk chatter on the beaches of the Mediterranean, and go so far as to have the intern translate her slurring words for America.
You even choose to air the moments of sheer dorkness when our Chach-of-a-Prince gets giddy about looking, almost touching, being tackled or heaven forbid, KISSED by a girl. (Must…get…vision…out…of…head…make…it…stop…)
My hat’s off to you. Congratulations on a job well done.
Your friend,
Lincee
SIMPLE DISCLAIMER
The following information you are about to read is of personal opinion. If this e-mail circulates to friends, family, enemies...that is your business. However, if you or someone in your address book happens to personally know, sort of know, know the brother/cousin of, thought you saw in the grocery store buying Halloween Oreos or have a nail technician that looks exactly like one of the Bachelorettes on the show...none of this is personal and I'm sure they are all lovely people.
We begin with our host Chris Harrison inviting the ladies out to the backyard for the group date spiel. How he was able to get through without being transfixed by Erica’s boobs is beyond me, but our host is a pro. He explains that there will be two group dates and since Lisa received the first rose, she will get the first one-on-one date. Our Prince will be extending a rose on the two group dates and will send Lisa home to the palace with a rose or home to USA with a nice parting gift of pet spa coupons.
Cut to Erica hoisting one of her 14 pieces of luggage onto a bed in the palace. The camera quickly follows her to the balcony of the palace (because you know some smart person said, “yeah…someone stick with this girl the ENTIRE time) as she yells in her best socialite voice, “CCCCHHHRRRRRRRRIIIIIIIISSSSSSSSSS!”
Our host follows the sound of the screeching and is confronted by an extremely miffed Daddy’s girl. Erica is upset. She’s not impressed with the palace. She doesn’t want to live in a room with three other girls and there is something significantly missing…a maid. By some subtle prodding by the ABC intern, she starts tugging her extensions and asks Chris Harrison in her best baby voice, “What am I supposed to do? Hire one of the other girls to be by maid?”
At this point, ABC had to edit. They just had to. There is no way our host Chris Harrison would have been able to keep stone cold. No way. I have to admit I was secretly hoping he would turn to the camera for a split second and give his Bachelor fans one of those adorable “Jim Halpert” faces, but he didn’t.
GROUP DATE 1
Romping Around Rome
Erica
Jami
Sadie
Ellen
Italian girl
It’s 10 minutes into the show and we have our first Chach moment from the Prince. He’s been told that he is going on a date with five girls and that is enough to make him squeal with glee. He straight out tells the camera, “I’m lucky if it’s me and ONE girl on a date.” Really Chach? You don’t say.
They go to the Colosseum, dress up like Gladiators and take pictures. Dork moment number two.
Prince Chach saunters off with Italian girl, who Erica calls Agnus, and attempts to communicate with this foreigner. Italian Agnus says Prince is “a handsome man and I’m in love with you and I want to kiss you.” Unfortunately, the Prince didn’t quite catch all that and confesses to the camera that he has a concern that communication might be a problem with Italian Agnus. You think?
They all hop on scooters, trying to recreate Roman Holiday and thinking this is the coolest thing ever. Crafty Erica said her driver’s license was expired and had to ride on the back of Prince Chach’s hog. They talk about the normal first date stuff…you know…how he has nice abs, how she can’t stand her roommates, her first sexual experience and a quick run-down of her last three serious relationships. It doesn’t matter that everyone was honking at them or that her helmet was on backwards, she was going to connect with her Prince.
The group finds their destination at sundown and are taken to a room full of fancy gowns. Squealing again. Where’s the mute button? Girls are twirling. Jami is holding a bra up to her boobs so they are not exposed to the little children. They all get dressed and meet on the roof for cocktails.
Prince Chach proclaims the girls look awesome. He gets a right on rocker sign from Jami. Poor Italian Agnus has no idea what is going on. He says he could be the King of Rome right now and kisses all the girls on the cheek.
Dork moment number three.
One quick conversation with Jami about tats and something about butterflies and wings and no longer being a caterpillar, when Erica pulls Prince away for some alone time.
Prince Chach asks Erica about the women in the house. Erica says that she doesn’t think Jami is right for him. Why he asks? Because she didn’t go to college. Prince Chach steps out of his dorkness for a moment and tells Erica that she can’t judge people based on them not having the same privileges she had. Erica comes back with a sound response.
I do judge.
Can we get a round of applause for blatant honesty?
Erica doesn’t even attempt to back track, because “thou shalt judge” is one of the 10 Commandments in her world. Prince leaves her on the balcony and in steps our favorite ABC Psychotherapist to help draw out the true meaning of what Erica was saying.
Which is…she judges people based on how they look and how much money they have.
“Let’s go with it!” the Psychotherapist announces and cameras start to role again.
“It is my opinion. It is my OPINION! I feel embarrassed…he asked me to judge, and I gave him my opinion. He is privileged and I am too. He doesn’t want a true princess. I can’t go to the rose ceremony. I will be going home without a rose and some other girl will and I will hate her. HATE HERRRRRRRRRRR. ”
Our Prince is now talking to Sadie about being married and finding true love on the Bachelor. He says it is the best conversation he has ever had. Sadie is secretly wondering if sizes run large in glass slippers. She will have to check.
ONE-ON-ONE DATE
Lisa
A Picnic in the Borghese Family Park
Meet Lisa. She has her whole freaking life mapped out. She’s watched the Bachelor for nine seasons and is convinced it helps people like her find true love. Her five-year plan needs to be put in action RIGHT NOW and there is no stopping her from falling in love with her Prince.
Prince takes her to his family’s park…which is the most famous park in Rome. Lisa clings to his every word and tells him this is her perfect idea of a date…hanging out and being normal.
The twosome sit and have a picnic among a grove of trees. Prince tells Lisa that it won’t bother him if she wants to make out with one of the trees. He chuckles at his little joke and then starts a long soliloquy of how he hates when people feel the need to rush in to marriage based on a timeline.
Nice.
Lisa decides to use her head and keeps her “married by 30” plan to herself for the time being. They eat again that night. Talk about statues in the park that are of his relatives. He makes up stories about each one of them and she stars at him with anxious eyes, knowing that with each minute that ticks away, she is one step closer to 30. The night ends with him giving her a rose.
GROUP DATE 2
Frolicking in the Mediterranean
Sarah
Kim
Dez
Jeanette
Gina
Jennifer
Prince Chach is stoked that he is picking up the girls in a helicopter. The girls are in the backyard and see to choppers go over the house. They joke about how they are coming to pick them up and then realize the dream has come true!
Why, dear reader, was this so exciting? I think it would be fun to ride in a helicopter, but I don’t think I would have been this excited. I mean girls were screaming at the top of their lungs (you know how I love that) and skirts were whipping in the air to reveal panties and the phrase SHUT UP was uttered at least a million times by Dez. But was it really worth the excitement?
Once they arrive at the beach, it is a nice mixture of booze, boobs and bikinis. The girls are pumped that Prince took his shirt off and that he is so hot.
I guess they haven’t seen every other Bachelor, because I didn’t get it. He’s not bad, but hot? Take me back to the days of Bachelorettes. There were some nice bodies on that show. Remember Matt? I do…
They begin a friendly game of tackle beach football. Blonde Bombshells against the Brilliant Brunettes. Our Prince goes into Chach mode once again and gushes to the camera. Girls are actually TOUCHING him in BIKINIS. And he saw Sarah’s butt! This is the best date EVER!
Calm down Chach. Play it cool. You are a freaking pretend Prince. Act like one. Do you think Harry and William get all hot and bothered out on their yacht with the girls? Of course they do! They are GUYS. But they are suave enough to pull it off. Take it down a notch my friend.
Jennifer strikes up a conversation about high school sports. We learn that the Prince played football, squash and baseball. Jen divulges that she was a cheerleader (no joke) and to prove it, executes a somewhat ugly herkie. For that, he gives her a rose.
Dez encourages him to join her in the water baby. The Prince says that he hasn’t been called baby since he was in diapers and annoyingly asks her if she has a serious side.
RED FLAG DEZ…PROCEED WITH CAUTION.
My girl Dez says that she can be intimate and is down for “it” any time of the day.
That seems to be good enough for our Prince and they walk off to the rest of the girls.
AND NOW FOR THE MOMENT
WE HAVE ALL BEEN WAITING FOR!
Kim is trashed. She says she was tired, but was really passed out. Pouty Gina, who has said zero words this entire show, is upset that Kim is acting so immature.
Through varying hiccups, Kim attempts to have a conversation with the camera, but is at a loss for any eligible words except for the occasional f-bomb and the uttering of, “honestly…I’m going to throw up.” She then falls down in the intern’s lap. He quickly props her up on a lounge chair, throws some decorative Pier 1 pillows behind her head and tries to pull a “Weekend at Bernie’s” on us.
When the Prince tries to wake her up, a moment of wonder, amusement and a sheer happiness bubbled up inside me. Here is what our dear Kim said to the camera:
I hate you guys
The damn, eh
The lod deb us
I hate you loof
Have a damn
Blasphemy, that
I planted that last rose
I hate vodka
I’m sweating beads
Oh I thought he was the waiter
How embarrassing
I’m embarrassed
F#$%
You’re really laughing with me?
I know I watched that scene 12 times on my DVR. I laughed. I cried. I strained to make out the words. I wanted to kiss the ABC intern for translating. I was inspired to try and use the word blasphemy more in conversation. I laughed some more. I forgave ABC for such a terrible episode. And of course I prayed that she would receive a rose so that we could be enlightened with more of “Guess What’s She’s Saying: Drunk Talk with Bachelorette Kim.”
Classic. LOVED IT! That my friends is Bachelor Hall of Fame material.
ROSE CEREMONY
Prince takes Italian girl outside to try and convince himself that it is not worth keeping her for her looks and that a relationship without talking is just silly. He tells her that he likes that she is trying so hard and that her English is way better than his Italian. At that moment, Italian girl plants a wet one on our Prince.
I choose at this moment, to not call him a Chach. Let’s pray to the good Lord that he wasn’t ready for the attack. Or that her breath was bad.
Because this was THE MOST AWKWARD thing I have ever seen in my life. Terrible. Horrible. I hid my eyes, but then rewound it to watch again. Why do I do that? I think I was hoping I saw it wrong or that maybe it was as BAD as I thought, but no. It was just wrong.
Meanwhile, poor Kim explains her careless actions at the beach to the camera crew and tries to masquerade her passing out on the beach as a little cat nap. “I mean, who wouldn’t after a long day out in the sun want to shut their eyes for a little bit?”
All the girls get a little irritated when Lisa steals away the Prince. She already has a rose. LET US HAVE A CHANCE!
Supposedly, when she walked by Ellen and Sadie, there were words exchanged. I don’t know, or care, what Ellen thought she her or if Lisa said it, but it made Lisa cry. And that is just good TV.
Jami and Dez go off exploring the place and find our Prince’s bedroom. They smell the sheets, and his boxers and wonder if they will get caught. IRONICALLY, the Prince catches them and they decide to have a pillow fight on the bed with him in it. It’s all he can do to not die from a heart attack right then and there. TWO GIRLS IN HIS BED! The ABC intern tells the others that there is a party going on in the Bachelor pad and the others run up to join the fun. Sarah cranks up the music and we have a dance off. Lots of grinding, humping and a little 80s action thrown in there for good measure.
Our host Chris clinks his champagne glass and it is time for the
ROSE CEREMONY.
Jeanette: I don’t remember her in the show.
Dez: I guess he doesn’t mind the baby talk after all
Jami: He digs the rocker chick’s butterfly tat
Gina: Maybe one day we will hear her speak
Italian girl: Self explanatory
Erica: Flouncing up to his grace, “You made a really good decision!”
Lisa: tick.tock.tick.tock
Sadie: humming “some day my Prince will come…”
Jennifer: I say Prince, you say Chach, PRINCE chach PRINCE chach
Even though Drunk Kim got the axe, I think we will have our fun with Erica. She won’t let us down!
All about the shame, not the fame,
Lincee
Tuesday, October 03, 2006
Prince Lorenzo: Episode 1
Let’s face it people…The Bachelor is back. IN FULL FORCE!
Oh I loved it. I loved every single minute of it. Was I embarrassed? Of course. Did I hide my face behind the sofa pillow? YOU BET! Classic. ABC threw back to the old school days and provided a nice crop of young ladies that are full of life.
So much material…so little time.
SIMPLE DISCLAIMER
The following information you are about to read is of personal opinion. If this e-mail circulates to friends, family, enemies...that is your business. However, if you or someone in your address book happens to personally know, sort of know, know the brother/cousin of, thought you saw in the grocery store buying Halloween Oreos or have a nail technician that looks exactly like one of the Bachelorettes on the show...none of this is personal and I'm sure they are all lovely people.
The Fairy Tale
I can already tell that the Prince theme is going to get on my nerves. Last year we were in Paris and everything was about the City of Love. This year, it’s all about fairy tales. Chris Harrison is a doll, but he drove me insane counting the times he used the phrase “fairy tale” during his opening monologue in front of the fancy Borghese Fountain on Borghese Street next to the Borghese building that sells Borghese Cosmetics. We get it. This guy is a Prince. Some girl he fake proposes to is going to become an almost Princess. A dream come true.
MEET PRINCE LORENZO BORGHESE
Lorenzo Borghese has rich Italian family history and a rich Italian family. He pretends to help run the family cosmetic business, by walking through the Borghese warehouse in his white lab coat. We know that the ABC intern had to pick him up from the Borghese Pet Spa to shoot the segment, but that is neither here nor there. The real story is that Lorenzo Borghese is a Prince.
In true Chris Harrison charisma, our host sits down with the Prince in some comfy chairs located in the middle of the 16th Century Borghese Family Castle that ABC rented for a few months, and asks the burning question all Americans are curious to hear:
“What is up with this Prince thing?”
THANK YOU CHRIS! EXACTLY! Just because I’m 1/145 American Indian, doesn’t mean I go around saying that I’m the Pocahontas heir.
Anyway…
Prince Lorenzo Borghese is so over being a Prince. Here is a quick excerpt I took from last night’s episode:
“I mean…if one of my friends introduces me to a woman at a club and says that I am a Prince, the night is so over. At that point, the woman is only interested in me because of my awesome Prince status. Can’t I just be a normal person? And there are no girls in New York City. None. That’s why I got my pilot’s license—so I can go fly around the country and find people who have never heard of me.”
Our Prince goes on to tell Chris Harrison that his ancestor, Pope Paul, is looking down on him in the rented family palace. Pope Paul. Yeah. He sounds real. He also tells Chris Harrison that he speaks menu Italian. He says he should not be judged that he can’t speak his Kingdom’s language, because he left Italy when he was two and who cares if that is his Dad’s primary language. He prefers the language of love.
MEET THE BORGHESES
Their Highnesses Borghese are celebrating their 40th wedding anniversary and the Prince needs a date. The Mom is looking pretty good for being married 40 years. What is that Borgheses Cosmetics website again? And my favorite part is when the Dad uses air quotes. Air quotes by the King of Italy rule.
ROME!
In a sneaky twist, ABC “surprises” the girls at their homes to let them know that they have been chosen as Bachelorettes and will be whisked off to Rome. The catch? RIGHT NOW! THERE IS NO TIME TO PACK! WHAT WILL THEY DO?
In some cases, they immediately sell their car to participate. In other cases, they try on all their string bikinis for the ABC camera crew to decide which is hot tub worthy. Luckily, my hometown Houston girl had her maid there to pack her prom dresses, tiaras…leave the furs home because of the animal rights people…and Gucci purses into 14 pieces of Louis Vuitton luggage in order for her to make her first ever coach flight on time.
I’m so proud.
MEET THE BACHELORETTES
April
Model
Why you remember her: Let’s be honest with each other. You remember her boobs. Admit it.
Status: No rose
Andrea
Hotel concierge
Why you remember her: Andrea. Oh Andrea. She was our first experience of a bless her heart moment in Bachelorfest 2006. I know she started off singing opera from the balcony in a most embarrassing serenade to our Prince. She could have ended with some Chingy for all I know. It was chaos for a good 20 seconds. There was a combination of a high pitched aria, me screaming, shoving my fingers as far down in my ears as physically possible while rocking myself back and forth like I do when I just can’t handle the pressure and my friend Anne saying n-n-n-n-n-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o in an eerie low voice…unable to look away from the TV. And poor Andrea kept going. And going. I can still hear her sometimes when I sleep. Bless her heart.
Status: No rose
Brit
Beer Chemist
Why you remember her: She was a little bitsy pocket person of a thing who had her hands on her hips as if to say, “Ready? Okay! Two-bits, four bits, six bits a dollar…”
Status: No rose
Carissa
Lawyer
Why you remember her: You don’t.
Status: No rose
Claudia
Restaurateur
Why you remember her: CLOWdia. Claudia? No— it’s CLOWdia.
Status: No ROWse
Desiree
Realtor
Why you remember her: Hey baby! How could you forget her, baby?! Desiree got her dress in Vegas, baby and is constantly adjusting it because righteous swingers don’t wear bras, baby. She is the aggressive Bachelorette, baby, and asks for a kiss from our Prince. He obliges with a shagadelic peck on the cheek. She promptly asks if she makes him horny. Yeah baby. Yeah.
Status: Rose, baby
Ellen
Realtor
Why you remember her: She’s the one ABC put in the mix at the sunrise ceremony to trick us into thinking we haven’t been paying attention, because I had never seen her before. Seriously.
Status: Rose
Elyse
Doctor
Why you remember her: You remember how crazy it is that a girl named Elise would spell her name Elyse. Who does that? Trying to get attention with a freaky spelled name? Why does everyone throw a Y in the mix when an I is perfectly acceptable? Crazy spelled name weirdoes. I will now get off my Lincee soapbox.
Status: No rose
Erica
Houston socialite (whoop!)
Why you remember her: You remember her dog, her Mom’s prom dress, her maid, her big house, that she flew coach for the first time, her tiara, the fact that she knows who is college educated by their tattoos, she doesn’t know how to make a bed and she loves caressing her own hair. I love Erica.
Status: Rose
Gina
Ultrasound Technician
Why you remember her: Her lips are constantly in a pout. She also reminds you of Dancing with the Stars winner and General Hospital resident Kelly. Or is that just me? She also met the Prince and bolted inside without a token spin twirl of her dress or polite cheek peck. G’s got attitude.
Status: Rose
Heather
Registered nurse
Why you remember her: She’s the one that the ABC intern had to give the banana bag to because they needed her to sober up before the Sunrise Service. My girl Heather got wasted and was proud of it. After splashing a bit of cold water on her face and downing a few dozen cups of strong coffee, she was able to get through her one-on-one time with the Prince before passing out. Luckily, she was blessed with genetics, so she is going to be okay.
Status: Alas…she was sent home without a rose.
Jami
Event Planner
Why you remember her: ABC tried to hick her up at the beginning, but she turned out to be one of my favorites. She’s a classic rock chick, right on. They even both went to see Bon Jovi in concert, kick a$$.
Status: Rose
Jeanette
Teacher
Why you remember her: She had the dark dark dark hair and the red dress. She is 23 and acts 23.
Status: Rose
Jennifer
Teacher/Resident Bachelor Cheerleader
Why you remember her: The energy. Oh the energy. She’s joyful and triumphant.
Status: Rose
Jessica
Assistant Buyer
Why you remember her: Jessica…Jessica… Nope. I got nothing.
Status: No rose
Kim
Interior Designer
Why you remember her: She dropped the “F-bomb” on ABC. She declared to the world that she wanted the f-ing earrings that went along with the first impression rose. Now that’s classy.
Status: Rose
Laura
Dolphin Trainer
Why you remember her: Big dialogue among our Prince and Laura… “Is it Lauren? Or Laura? Laura? Lauren?”
Status: No rose
Lisa
Marketing Manager
Why you remember her: Oh come on! Like who wouldn’t give a first impression rose to a tree hugger? Lisa like has a plan. She has a plan for like her life and like there is no time to like waste. Focus and save the Earth people!
Status: Rose
Meri
Lawyer
Why you remember her: (crickets chirping)
Status: No rose
Rene
Broadcast Marketer
Why you remember her: Seriously. Who are these people?
Status: No rose
Rita
Policy Advisor
Why you remember her: Very bad fake tan
Status: No rose
Rosella
Makeup Artist
Why you remember her: Bless her heart. Had a dream to be Cinderella. Sold her car to buy fancy gowns for The Bachelor Rome. Practiced a wonderful opening line to say to our Prince…ASSUMING the dude knew Italian. It was wasted on deaf ears. She was one of my favorites and ABC tricked me into thinking she would get a rose. Nice editing my friends. You got me that time.
Status: No rose
Sadie
Publicist
Why you remember her: She wants to be a Princess. She is somewhat normal, but is in it for the title. She’s going to play hard my friends.
Status: Rose
Sarah
Journalist
Why you remember her: My girl busts out with the question that is very interesting: “Have you ever dated anyone of ethnic decent, eh?” Poor Other Bachelorette gets nervous and walks away from the daybed that has been strategically placed in the castle garden. (Seriously ABC intern…a daybed? Let’s be a little classier in our set decorations, shall we? Go buy some chase lounges or something. But a daybed? Seriously?)
Status: Rose
Tara
Realtor #3
Why you remember her: I remember her hair and how I wore mine like that for 3rd-grade picture day.
Status: No rose
Chris Harrison threw another log on the fire by adding a few hot local chicks to the party. It was a big deal. Human game of ping pong and everything. Very dramatic. You go Chris.
Italian Girl #1
Dancer
Why you remember her: You wondered where her pole was.
Status: No rose
Italian Girl #2
Student
Why you remember her: The classic line from our Prince that will go down in Bachelor history: “Do you shoot guns?”
Status: Rose
MOST DRAMATIC SUNRISE CEREMONY
On cue, the ABC intern hits his play of the sound effects CD in his boom box, and a rooster crows, signifying that the night is officially over and it is time for our Prince to make his decision. He must send half home.
It’s pretty obvious at this point why he is picked the girls he did. Anyone without 12-hour-old greasy hair, dark circles under her eyes, bad morning breathe or attached to an IV…was welcome to stay.
Our Prince toasts the lucky 12 and proclaims, “There’s no place like Rome.”
Vomit. The Roman themes are going to kill me. After watching the “up next” montage from Chris Harrison, my fears are correct. I spotted a chariot, stomping of grapes and a token toga complete with little backwards leaf headband thing.
Who am I kidding…fears? This is must see TV BABY!
All about the shame, not the fame,
Lincee
Oh I loved it. I loved every single minute of it. Was I embarrassed? Of course. Did I hide my face behind the sofa pillow? YOU BET! Classic. ABC threw back to the old school days and provided a nice crop of young ladies that are full of life.
So much material…so little time.
SIMPLE DISCLAIMER
The following information you are about to read is of personal opinion. If this e-mail circulates to friends, family, enemies...that is your business. However, if you or someone in your address book happens to personally know, sort of know, know the brother/cousin of, thought you saw in the grocery store buying Halloween Oreos or have a nail technician that looks exactly like one of the Bachelorettes on the show...none of this is personal and I'm sure they are all lovely people.
The Fairy Tale
I can already tell that the Prince theme is going to get on my nerves. Last year we were in Paris and everything was about the City of Love. This year, it’s all about fairy tales. Chris Harrison is a doll, but he drove me insane counting the times he used the phrase “fairy tale” during his opening monologue in front of the fancy Borghese Fountain on Borghese Street next to the Borghese building that sells Borghese Cosmetics. We get it. This guy is a Prince. Some girl he fake proposes to is going to become an almost Princess. A dream come true.
MEET PRINCE LORENZO BORGHESE
Lorenzo Borghese has rich Italian family history and a rich Italian family. He pretends to help run the family cosmetic business, by walking through the Borghese warehouse in his white lab coat. We know that the ABC intern had to pick him up from the Borghese Pet Spa to shoot the segment, but that is neither here nor there. The real story is that Lorenzo Borghese is a Prince.
In true Chris Harrison charisma, our host sits down with the Prince in some comfy chairs located in the middle of the 16th Century Borghese Family Castle that ABC rented for a few months, and asks the burning question all Americans are curious to hear:
“What is up with this Prince thing?”
THANK YOU CHRIS! EXACTLY! Just because I’m 1/145 American Indian, doesn’t mean I go around saying that I’m the Pocahontas heir.
Anyway…
Prince Lorenzo Borghese is so over being a Prince. Here is a quick excerpt I took from last night’s episode:
“I mean…if one of my friends introduces me to a woman at a club and says that I am a Prince, the night is so over. At that point, the woman is only interested in me because of my awesome Prince status. Can’t I just be a normal person? And there are no girls in New York City. None. That’s why I got my pilot’s license—so I can go fly around the country and find people who have never heard of me.”
Our Prince goes on to tell Chris Harrison that his ancestor, Pope Paul, is looking down on him in the rented family palace. Pope Paul. Yeah. He sounds real. He also tells Chris Harrison that he speaks menu Italian. He says he should not be judged that he can’t speak his Kingdom’s language, because he left Italy when he was two and who cares if that is his Dad’s primary language. He prefers the language of love.
MEET THE BORGHESES
Their Highnesses Borghese are celebrating their 40th wedding anniversary and the Prince needs a date. The Mom is looking pretty good for being married 40 years. What is that Borgheses Cosmetics website again? And my favorite part is when the Dad uses air quotes. Air quotes by the King of Italy rule.
ROME!
In a sneaky twist, ABC “surprises” the girls at their homes to let them know that they have been chosen as Bachelorettes and will be whisked off to Rome. The catch? RIGHT NOW! THERE IS NO TIME TO PACK! WHAT WILL THEY DO?
In some cases, they immediately sell their car to participate. In other cases, they try on all their string bikinis for the ABC camera crew to decide which is hot tub worthy. Luckily, my hometown Houston girl had her maid there to pack her prom dresses, tiaras…leave the furs home because of the animal rights people…and Gucci purses into 14 pieces of Louis Vuitton luggage in order for her to make her first ever coach flight on time.
I’m so proud.
MEET THE BACHELORETTES
April
Model
Why you remember her: Let’s be honest with each other. You remember her boobs. Admit it.
Status: No rose
Andrea
Hotel concierge
Why you remember her: Andrea. Oh Andrea. She was our first experience of a bless her heart moment in Bachelorfest 2006. I know she started off singing opera from the balcony in a most embarrassing serenade to our Prince. She could have ended with some Chingy for all I know. It was chaos for a good 20 seconds. There was a combination of a high pitched aria, me screaming, shoving my fingers as far down in my ears as physically possible while rocking myself back and forth like I do when I just can’t handle the pressure and my friend Anne saying n-n-n-n-n-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o in an eerie low voice…unable to look away from the TV. And poor Andrea kept going. And going. I can still hear her sometimes when I sleep. Bless her heart.
Status: No rose
Brit
Beer Chemist
Why you remember her: She was a little bitsy pocket person of a thing who had her hands on her hips as if to say, “Ready? Okay! Two-bits, four bits, six bits a dollar…”
Status: No rose
Carissa
Lawyer
Why you remember her: You don’t.
Status: No rose
Claudia
Restaurateur
Why you remember her: CLOWdia. Claudia? No— it’s CLOWdia.
Status: No ROWse
Desiree
Realtor
Why you remember her: Hey baby! How could you forget her, baby?! Desiree got her dress in Vegas, baby and is constantly adjusting it because righteous swingers don’t wear bras, baby. She is the aggressive Bachelorette, baby, and asks for a kiss from our Prince. He obliges with a shagadelic peck on the cheek. She promptly asks if she makes him horny. Yeah baby. Yeah.
Status: Rose, baby
Ellen
Realtor
Why you remember her: She’s the one ABC put in the mix at the sunrise ceremony to trick us into thinking we haven’t been paying attention, because I had never seen her before. Seriously.
Status: Rose
Elyse
Doctor
Why you remember her: You remember how crazy it is that a girl named Elise would spell her name Elyse. Who does that? Trying to get attention with a freaky spelled name? Why does everyone throw a Y in the mix when an I is perfectly acceptable? Crazy spelled name weirdoes. I will now get off my Lincee soapbox.
Status: No rose
Erica
Houston socialite (whoop!)
Why you remember her: You remember her dog, her Mom’s prom dress, her maid, her big house, that she flew coach for the first time, her tiara, the fact that she knows who is college educated by their tattoos, she doesn’t know how to make a bed and she loves caressing her own hair. I love Erica.
Status: Rose
Gina
Ultrasound Technician
Why you remember her: Her lips are constantly in a pout. She also reminds you of Dancing with the Stars winner and General Hospital resident Kelly. Or is that just me? She also met the Prince and bolted inside without a token spin twirl of her dress or polite cheek peck. G’s got attitude.
Status: Rose
Heather
Registered nurse
Why you remember her: She’s the one that the ABC intern had to give the banana bag to because they needed her to sober up before the Sunrise Service. My girl Heather got wasted and was proud of it. After splashing a bit of cold water on her face and downing a few dozen cups of strong coffee, she was able to get through her one-on-one time with the Prince before passing out. Luckily, she was blessed with genetics, so she is going to be okay.
Status: Alas…she was sent home without a rose.
Jami
Event Planner
Why you remember her: ABC tried to hick her up at the beginning, but she turned out to be one of my favorites. She’s a classic rock chick, right on. They even both went to see Bon Jovi in concert, kick a$$.
Status: Rose
Jeanette
Teacher
Why you remember her: She had the dark dark dark hair and the red dress. She is 23 and acts 23.
Status: Rose
Jennifer
Teacher/Resident Bachelor Cheerleader
Why you remember her: The energy. Oh the energy. She’s joyful and triumphant.
Status: Rose
Jessica
Assistant Buyer
Why you remember her: Jessica…Jessica… Nope. I got nothing.
Status: No rose
Kim
Interior Designer
Why you remember her: She dropped the “F-bomb” on ABC. She declared to the world that she wanted the f-ing earrings that went along with the first impression rose. Now that’s classy.
Status: Rose
Laura
Dolphin Trainer
Why you remember her: Big dialogue among our Prince and Laura… “Is it Lauren? Or Laura? Laura? Lauren?”
Status: No rose
Lisa
Marketing Manager
Why you remember her: Oh come on! Like who wouldn’t give a first impression rose to a tree hugger? Lisa like has a plan. She has a plan for like her life and like there is no time to like waste. Focus and save the Earth people!
Status: Rose
Meri
Lawyer
Why you remember her: (crickets chirping)
Status: No rose
Rene
Broadcast Marketer
Why you remember her: Seriously. Who are these people?
Status: No rose
Rita
Policy Advisor
Why you remember her: Very bad fake tan
Status: No rose
Rosella
Makeup Artist
Why you remember her: Bless her heart. Had a dream to be Cinderella. Sold her car to buy fancy gowns for The Bachelor Rome. Practiced a wonderful opening line to say to our Prince…ASSUMING the dude knew Italian. It was wasted on deaf ears. She was one of my favorites and ABC tricked me into thinking she would get a rose. Nice editing my friends. You got me that time.
Status: No rose
Sadie
Publicist
Why you remember her: She wants to be a Princess. She is somewhat normal, but is in it for the title. She’s going to play hard my friends.
Status: Rose
Sarah
Journalist
Why you remember her: My girl busts out with the question that is very interesting: “Have you ever dated anyone of ethnic decent, eh?” Poor Other Bachelorette gets nervous and walks away from the daybed that has been strategically placed in the castle garden. (Seriously ABC intern…a daybed? Let’s be a little classier in our set decorations, shall we? Go buy some chase lounges or something. But a daybed? Seriously?)
Status: Rose
Tara
Realtor #3
Why you remember her: I remember her hair and how I wore mine like that for 3rd-grade picture day.
Status: No rose
Chris Harrison threw another log on the fire by adding a few hot local chicks to the party. It was a big deal. Human game of ping pong and everything. Very dramatic. You go Chris.
Italian Girl #1
Dancer
Why you remember her: You wondered where her pole was.
Status: No rose
Italian Girl #2
Student
Why you remember her: The classic line from our Prince that will go down in Bachelor history: “Do you shoot guns?”
Status: Rose
MOST DRAMATIC SUNRISE CEREMONY
On cue, the ABC intern hits his play of the sound effects CD in his boom box, and a rooster crows, signifying that the night is officially over and it is time for our Prince to make his decision. He must send half home.
It’s pretty obvious at this point why he is picked the girls he did. Anyone without 12-hour-old greasy hair, dark circles under her eyes, bad morning breathe or attached to an IV…was welcome to stay.
Our Prince toasts the lucky 12 and proclaims, “There’s no place like Rome.”
Vomit. The Roman themes are going to kill me. After watching the “up next” montage from Chris Harrison, my fears are correct. I spotted a chariot, stomping of grapes and a token toga complete with little backwards leaf headband thing.
Who am I kidding…fears? This is must see TV BABY!
All about the shame, not the fame,
Lincee
Monday, October 02, 2006
Since we last spoke...
Where do I begin friends? It’s been eight months since we were last together and so much has happened. It’s been eight months of discovery and re-discovery for me.
For example:
Discovery: Channing Tatum is hot
Rediscovery: Johnny Depp is sexy
Do not argue with me. I am an expert in hotness.
Along the same vein, I had already discovered Grey’s Anatomy and it continues to be my new favorite show.
New Discovery:
One word: McSteamy.
No wait…four words: McSteamy in a towel.
Wait…seven words: McSteamy in a towel surrounded by steam.
Classic. Classic writing from Shonda Rhymes. Can I get an AMEN please?!
I discovered that America does not know how to vote for dancing shows because Allison and Travis were not in the final two and Jerry Springer did not get kicked off in the second round.
But sometimes, one finds themselves discovering certain things on a deeper level. And for that…their life will never be the same.
Let me explain.
July 2006. I was introduced to the World Cup by my work colleague Carolina. I had never experienced a World Cup in my life. It was extremely foreign to me that my dear Colombian-born friend would post the scores on her office door, updating for an ENTIRE MONTH. I would hear her whoop and holler for her teams (she had several) declaring “Sí se puede!” (YES IT CAN BE DONE) with each passing game.
One day, we decided to eat lunch in our conference room and Carolina flipped on Telemundo to watch the game. England was playing. Which means, of course, David Beckham was playing. Yes I had heard of David Beckham and even seen “Bend It Like Beckham” before. But for some odd reason, I had never realized the beauty that is David Beckham.
Sí se puede indeed.
Carolina was kind enough to introduce me to her “football” world including Portuguese forward Cristiano Ronaldo and Italy’s Alessandro Del Piero. But I think life changed when I discovered the wonder that is Freddie Ljungberg of Sweden. If you don’t believe me…ask Calvin Klein. He’s their new model.
Tonight is a new discovery for us all. We will meet The Roman Bachelor for the first time. Will we be able to stomach the high-pitched screams when he enters a room? Will we be able to not hide our faces in embarrassment when half of the girls get sloshed at the meet-n-greet welcome party? Will we be able to sit through one hour of Bachelor days of yore before getting to the core of our new Roman adventure?
Sí se puede my friends…sí se puede.
For example:
Discovery: Channing Tatum is hot
Rediscovery: Johnny Depp is sexy
Do not argue with me. I am an expert in hotness.
Along the same vein, I had already discovered Grey’s Anatomy and it continues to be my new favorite show.
New Discovery:
One word: McSteamy.
No wait…four words: McSteamy in a towel.
Wait…seven words: McSteamy in a towel surrounded by steam.
Classic. Classic writing from Shonda Rhymes. Can I get an AMEN please?!
I discovered that America does not know how to vote for dancing shows because Allison and Travis were not in the final two and Jerry Springer did not get kicked off in the second round.
But sometimes, one finds themselves discovering certain things on a deeper level. And for that…their life will never be the same.
Let me explain.
July 2006. I was introduced to the World Cup by my work colleague Carolina. I had never experienced a World Cup in my life. It was extremely foreign to me that my dear Colombian-born friend would post the scores on her office door, updating for an ENTIRE MONTH. I would hear her whoop and holler for her teams (she had several) declaring “Sí se puede!” (YES IT CAN BE DONE) with each passing game.
One day, we decided to eat lunch in our conference room and Carolina flipped on Telemundo to watch the game. England was playing. Which means, of course, David Beckham was playing. Yes I had heard of David Beckham and even seen “Bend It Like Beckham” before. But for some odd reason, I had never realized the beauty that is David Beckham.
Sí se puede indeed.
Carolina was kind enough to introduce me to her “football” world including Portuguese forward Cristiano Ronaldo and Italy’s Alessandro Del Piero. But I think life changed when I discovered the wonder that is Freddie Ljungberg of Sweden. If you don’t believe me…ask Calvin Klein. He’s their new model.
Tonight is a new discovery for us all. We will meet The Roman Bachelor for the first time. Will we be able to stomach the high-pitched screams when he enters a room? Will we be able to not hide our faces in embarrassment when half of the girls get sloshed at the meet-n-greet welcome party? Will we be able to sit through one hour of Bachelor days of yore before getting to the core of our new Roman adventure?
Sí se puede my friends…sí se puede.
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