A LITTLE HOUSEKEEPING ON MESSAGE BOARD POSTS
1. My tooth is great. The pus pocket above the nerve is not. But thanks to everyone for your concern. I will survive.
2. Loving my Straight Guys #1, #2 and #3, Lawyer John and Scott. You guys bring a certain perspective to the message board that is beautiful to read. Thank you from the bottom of my heart.
3. Will not recap any other shows. Thanks…but one is more than enough.
4. According to the message boards, I am “priceless, wicked genius, brilliant, funnier than hysterical, hilarious and someone’s hero.” I’ve made people cry, laugh and pee their pants. It’s a gift.
5. Note to self: Paris has Pringles.
6. Who wants to know if I work for W3?
7. Long live stroller pushing soccer Moms!
8. How to pronounce my name: Lynn-see. Variation of Lindsay or Lindsey. Was once called Lean-key at my 4th grade citizen bee award ceremony. Traumatized forever. That quickly turned into Slinky. Shortened to Slink. To this day dear friend Julie still calls me that.
9. I already have an agent, publicist, manager and errand boy (get me a DP BFF Paul…)
10. Not going to be wearing a pink hard hat on national TV.
11. Who graduated with Chris Harrison?
12. KP from OKC keeping it real on the SOUTH SIDE!
ON WITH THE RECAP!
So I was talking to Chris Harrison the other day and I said, “Chris Harrison. The world wants to know. Why does ABC cut out all your funny lines? We know you are witty…charming…full of laughs. Why would ABC do this to America’s favorite host?” Chris Harrison responds, “It’s the name of the game Slink. It’s the biz. Stick with me kid…and you’ll go far.”
Paul. You’ve been bumped. My new #1 BFF is Chris Harrison. You can be my #2 BFF. Peace homey.
Anyway, Chris Harrison and I were talking about the Women Tell All reunion show taping in February. “Chris Harrison,” I said. “Would it be too much for national TV to wear my pink hart hat on the show while I’m in the audience because you invited me to come watch the uncomfortable moments in person?” Chris Harrison replies, “I think the pink my clash with Red’s hair. Better stick to something less obvious.”
Chris Harrison. Looking out for his BFF. What a classy guy. YOU’RE MY BOY!
There you have it! I’m going to LA.
More about that when I know more about that.
SIMPLE DISCLAIMER
The following information you are about to read is of personal opinion. If this e-mail circulates to friends, family, enemies...that is your business. However, if you or someone in your address book happens to personally know, sort of know, know the brother/cousin of, thought you saw in the grocery store buying tofu or have a nail technician that looks exactly like one of the Bachelorettes on the
show...none of this is personal and I'm sure they are all lovely people.
Website count: 42,388
As I sat on my couch last night with my green marker and printer paper in hand, ready to take notes, one question kept running through my mind.
Why on Earth is the Bachelor coming on an hour later than normal this season? Geez! I’m fighting to just stay awake at the 9:00 hour. How am I supposed to be alert?
But ABC helped me out last night. Within the first six minutes, we had ACTION, DRAMA, TEARS, FAKE SMILES, GASPS and a breakdown from Mowana. That’s what I’m talking about!
Chris Harrison (did I tell you we spoke?) welcomes the girls into the living room. Already, I have something to say. Props to Susan for the Belize t-shirt “shout-out” to Bachelor Bob’s fiancé. Can’t remember her name right now. You better Belize that I don’t care.
Chris Harrison tells the girls that two special guests will be choosing who goes on the two one-on-one dates with McHottie. Who will it be? Susan is nervous. Gee-hand smiles. Nashville smoothes her hair. Student/Stoner Sarah hides her stash. Mowana yawns and the ABC intern punches Red to wake up and pops a Listerine strip in her mouth.
Drum roll please. . .
In walks Bikini Model Jenn and Shiloh (who?).
Cut to McHottie. He is so happy that Jenn and Who? have come back to help him pick the one-on-one dates. He trusts their judgment SO MUCH that he kicks them off and then asks them to help narrow down the possibilities for his future wife. How awesome! How amazing! I totally feel the connection.
Within minutes, claws are out. Jenn is in charge. She is happy to take on the task and puts all bitter feelings aside. There is no way she would ask uncomfortable questions. It’s going to be completely fair and just.
First up…Nashville
Jenn: “Do you see yourself with McHottie?”
Who?: “Yeah…”
Nashville: “Yes I do. I think we are the same.”
We get it Nashville. You are both from Nashville. Newsflash…there is more to a good relationship that geography.
Next…Gee-hand
Jenn: “You seem to play it safe. When are you going to open up and let us see who the real Gee-hand is? Are you hiding something? Do you have a big dark secret? Is there something you aren’t telling the fellow girls since you’ve been living with them for six days?”
Who?” “Yeah…”
G: “I like grapes.”
Bless Gee-hand’s heart.
Then…Student/Stoner Sarah
Jenn: “We are concerned about your age. My birthday is four months before yours, so as an older person, can I please give you some advice? Stop rolling that joint and answer me!”
Who?: “What she said…”
Student/Stoner Sarah: “Anyone have a lighter? Match maybe?”
Also…Red
Jenn: “Can you please explain why you are always drunk?”
Who?: “Can you?”
Red: “Hey…I’m young. What else do you expect me to do? (hiccups) Our boyfriend likes to drink…(hiccups) so I’m going to drink. Our boyfriend likes to party. So I’m going to party. (hiccups) Hey…I’m young.”
Who could forget…Susan
Jenn: “So you are an aspiring actress. Actresses just can’t go off and marry doctors. I mean really Susan.”
Who?: “Seriously.”
Susan: “As candidate for this position of the possible fiancé of Dr. McHottie, I would just like to say that I would be the perfect Mrs. Stork. I can cook, clean, recite Shakespeare and make almost all of my marks. I love Young & the Restless and could easily see myself replacing Sharon in upcoming episodes. I have a degree in Drama from the Overland Park Community College and was in two commercials before the age of four. We are perfect for each other. I’d also like to thank ABC for giving me this opportunity to be a part of such a wonderful cast. Thank you. THANK YOU!
And finally…Mowana
Jenn: “I’ve been kicked off. I’m going to go ahead and say it. YOU DON’T BELONG HERE. YOU ARE NEVER GOING TO GET A ROSE. I’M AMAZED YOU’VE MADE IT THIS FAR. TELL ME YOUR SECRET. I’M GOING ON THE AMAZING RACE NEXT WEEK AND NEED SOME TRICKS UP MY SLEEVE. C’MON MO…WHAT ARE YOU REALLY FEELING?”
Who?: (too scared to talk)
Mowana: “Are you trying to intimidate me? Did you rub my lamp? I’ll have you sleeping with the fishes if you don’t BACK OFF Bikini. Listen here, I have intense feelings going on (sniffs) and I’m not sure (rubs eyes) what is going on in my heart (slow tear falls down left cheek) and what is going on in my head.
And then an official melt down. Right here ladies and gentleman. Mowana is crying. Could it be that she does have feelings? Or is this a part of her plot to get the man and claim the trophy? Stay tuned…
One-on-One
Gee-hand
Dr. McHottie decides to take Gee-hand to the Eiffel Tower. Great. We haven’t seen THAT at least two times per episode. Did ABC rent the thing out for a few weeks or something? They are shopping. Bread, wine, cheese. Notice the random baguette guy walking the streets. Oh…there’s another one. Oh…and another. Yes. Holding a baguette makes you officially in the city of Paris. It’s probably some sound stage in Burbank. Poor intern having to run to Central Market or Whole Foods every nine seconds to replace the baguette basket. YOU GO INTERN!
Then McHottie searches for the PERFECT gift to give Gee-hand. What would every woman want to remember their time in Paris? (Yo Stork…how about a rose at the end of this thing?) Nope. McHottie picks an Eiffel Tower necklace and proudly presents it to G at the foot of the Tower. Her reaction? “This is so cute.” (Ouch) “Cool!” (Doh!) “Awesome!” (That’s gotta hurt.)
Unofficial count of how many times the word amazing was used on this date: 27
It is at this point the Gee-hand decides to share with him a big secret that she’s been keeping. She wanted him to know before the girls. It’s really bad so we have to drag it out. Seriously. This is big news. I mean big. So huge that ABC had to tease it 12 times in order for us to finally know that it’s probably not a big deal. But we then questions ourselves thinking, “It can’t be that bad.” Then we play games asking ourselves, “What could it be?” and laugh at what comes to mind.
1. She’s gay.
2. She has an evil twin.
3. She used to be a man.
4. She wants to be a man.
5. She used to weight 800 pounds and was in the Guinness Book of World Records
6. Her stomach is boiling and she needs to find the toilettes
The moment finally comes when G admits that she’s been married before. Guy tricked her into getting a green card.
That’s it? That’s the big surprise? Surely not.
But yes. McHottie has issues with this and admits he never saw himself marrying a divorced woman. But he decides that he can bend all the ABC rules of The Bachelor and NOT give her a rose, but send her back to the house anyway. That way, he can LOOK like he’s a nice guy to give her more time, but really knows that she is on the next flight to USA. What a man!
Group Date
Red, Mowana, Susan, Student/Stoner Sarah
McHottie decides to recreate his own little version of the Tour Day France. Yes, yes. You are reading that correctly. Tour DAY France. Insert joke here.
The girls are in head to toe spandex in array of colors from the upcoming Spring line. They also were forced to wear dork helmets. They bike along, Dr. McHottie screaming, “LOOK! NO HANDS!”
McHottie says that there is NO ROSE on this date. Sighs of relief from the girls. But then he announces a competition. The girl who crosses the finish line first will get alone time with him.
Mowana announces that the game is ON! She is competitive and will win. Which she does. She and Red cross the finish line with high fives from Stork. He is impressed. Ten minutes go by and they’ve had a baguette, wine and some cheese. Susan and Student/Stoner are nowhere to be found. They take a dip in the pool. Still no Susan or Stoner. About 30 minutes later, the girls arrive huffing and puffing. Literally. That was the funniest part of the show.
Since Mo wins the race, they go off to an intimate massage together. McHottie feels they have a connection as he eyes half of her squished boob and her stripper tat the size of Wyoming on her lower back. She playfully asks, “Why did you give me a rose?” He answers, “How could I not give you a rose. I’d be crazy. Are you serious?”
Bow-chica-bow-wow.
Bow-chica-bow-wow
“I need to know who you are,” Dr. McHottie pleads. “But only when you are ready.”
“Oh, I’m ready,” declares Mowana. “You give me the freedom to just be me. And I thank you.”
I had to seriously check to see A.) if I had accidentally switched the channel to Cinemax or B.) wonder if I’m watching a KY Warming Massage Oil Gel commercial. We border-lined soft porn. If you listen closely, you can vaguely here Dave Matthews “Crash” or “Let’s Get It On” by Marvin Gaye. I’m not sure.
Meanwhile, our other friends are hanging out in the pool, when they realize, if they hold their breath REALLY LONG they can spy on Mo and Stork by looking through a super secret window at the bottom of the pool. Student/Stoner Sarah is determined to look 18 times. We see her butt bob in and out of the water several times. Red is too busy filling up at the bar and Susan is in the corner trying to memorize her lines for her next date with McHottie.
Second one-on-one date
Nashville
After removing the ginormous Velcro rollers from her hair, McHottie takes Nashville to have their portrait done by some weird Parisian who Nashville claims looks like a mad scientist. The portrait resembles something I did in Mrs. Davis’ 8th grade art class when she taught us how to draw eye balls and noses. Go back to Six Flags dude.
We interrupt this date to take you back to the house. Something is going down. Red, Stoner, Susan and G are all talking smack about Mowana. Luckily, the ABC intern was able to track her down and coax her to put her water bottle on the stairs and listen through the open door at the horrendous accusations be made.
Hi. Dumb girls? It’s me. Lincee. Did none of you learn at a young age…say four or five…when your sister told you to sneak down to the kitchen to get some cookies or Little Debbie Oatmeal Cream Pies that there should always be a look out? ROOKIE MISTAKE! GET YOUR HEAD IN THE GAME!
The girls talk about how unstable, unhappy, strange, weird, odd, unsocial Mowana is. Red declares that she would vomit if Mo was picked before her.
Hi. Red? It’s me. Lincee. Should you vomit at the rose ceremony, it would be due to the large intake of alcohol. Not your insane jealousy of Mo. Walk it off Red. Walk it off. Can I get some coffee over here?
Mowana enters the room and dares any of the girls to take a walk in her shoes and fur-hooded parka. “PARDEN ME FOR HAVING A HEART” she cries. “YOU DON’T KNOW ANYTHING ABOUT MY CHARACTER!”
Back to Nashville and Dr. McHottie.
Stork says that he does not have any concerns when it comes to Nashville. He feels good that she is a Kindergarten teacher and she has surpassed all his expectations.
Nice editing ABC. We can all tell that they, according to McHottie, have a “connection.” Sure. Could we see some of that connection one of these days? You can’t trick us. We are way smarter than you think.
In true adolescent fashion, Dr. McHottie says to Nashville, “You have to go home. But take me with you! GOT YOU! HA HA HA.”
It’s a big day for McHottie. He has to send two girls home. He decides to hop on his bike…luckily, he brought a whole duffle bag full of bandanas and he does not have to duplicate the same one he wore on the Tour Day France. He rides over to the girls’ house and knocks on the door.
Everyone, except Mowana, gathers around the table and drink large bottles of water. McHottie takes each girl for some one-on-one time, beginning with Student/Stoner Sarah.
I don’t know what they said because I muted the TV. But I did notice she grabbed his butt as they were going back inside the house.
He takes G aside and tells her he “appreciates” her being honest with him.
Hi. American Airlines? It’s Lincee. We need one ticket back to Chicago.” Thanks for playing. It’s been real.
McHottie soon finds Mowana on the floor in the den writing in her diary. She confides that she had a rough night in the house and that she is the black sheep of the group. The girls were mean to her. Then she pours her psycho heart out to our Bachelor.
“I am forever changed and grateful for you McHottie. I didn’t feel scared the other day (read in a whisper) to just…let…go.”
Choose your favorite Celine Dion hit to play in the background during this pathetic emotional “connection” with Mo and McIdiot-If-He-Picks-Her:
“Near. Far. Wherever you are. I believe that the heart will go on. Once more. You open the door. You are safe in my heart and my heart will go on and on.”
“Cuz I’m your lady. And you are my man. Whenever you reach for me. I’ll do all that I can. We’re headed for something. Somewhere I’ve never been. Sometimes I am frightened but I’m ready to learn. For the power of love.”
“Beautiful, beautiful, beautiful. Beautiful boy.”
Rose Ceremony
Chris Harrison (great tie dude) comes in and tells the ladies that there will be no pre-party. It is at THIS point that Red’s mouth flies open in shock. Unfortunately, ABC edited the tape to look like she was in shock when Mowana’s name was called for a rose instead of hers.
Dr. McHottie tells each Bachelorette that she is unique and beautiful in her own way. But he is going with his feelings tonight. (Way to go man!) Each has left an impression on his life and he thanks them.
Student/Stoner Sarah
Susan
Mowana
Red goes up to McHottie and says that “someone is fooling you” and to watch out. Funny that the exact same audio was played over a previous rose ceremony to tease us the commercial before. You are not fooling anyone ABC. We are ON to you and your tricks.
The show ends with an outtake of McHottie asking the women from the Tour Day France if they like French food. Deer in the headlights. What do we say? Do we answer honestly? Is this a trick question?
Stoner replies, “I hate it.”
Susan looks for her mark, smiles at the camera and says she loves French food and is broken-hearted when Stork agrees with Stoner.
As a special treat, he unveils McDonald hamburgers for EVERYONE!
Stoner mews out a, ‘Swwwwwweeeeeeeeeeeetttttt dude.”
Susan refuses because she is watching her figure.
Red doesn’t want to kill her buzz with food and Mo is off in a corner sulking about something irrelevant.
Classic television ladies and gentlemen (all four of you.) Classic.
Count up to 44,931. Simply stunning. You guys rock!
All about the shame, not the fame,
Lincee
Tuesday, January 31, 2006
Tuesday, January 24, 2006
Episode 3
TOP NINE THINGS I HAVE TO TELL YOU
THAT MAY OR MAY NOT HAVE ANYTHING TO DO WITH THE BACHELOR
1. Root Canal: Had a root canal performed on my upper right tooth yesterday. I was driving back to work from the dentist, when my sister calls and says, “I can’t believe you went back to work.” High pain tolerance. Right here. I can take it. I’m tough. I work in the oil industry people. You have to be strong in your pink hard hat. It was last night around 8:00 when that theory went out the window. Lying horizontal on the couch with an ice pack on my face, I turned to ABC after checking my TiVO to make sure the Bachelor was going to record. Didn’t want to miss it in case I fell asleep. This brings me to number two…
2. Awkwardness: Why ABC? Why? Why must you torture us with the most embarrassing moments of Bachelors in days of yore? The whole hour? You know how I get. I’m in the fetal position with a frozen jaw…helpless…and you make me hide the majority of the show under my blanket. Eggs rotting. Longing embraces from psychos that won’t let go. Crazy eyes directed to the fisherman. Even though it was like a car wreck and I was tempted to quickly look from behind my blanket…I didn’t. But I can still hear. I can hear Chris Harrison. Did you have to narrate every little unnerving moment? “Remember Amber Waves of Grain and Firestone’s uncomfortable silence?” or “Remember how Jesse gave What’s Her Name obvious body language that he was not interested in her nipple massages?” Make the madness stop!
3. Chris Harrison: Rumor has it that you are writing on the message board. I’ll have to admit that I didn’t believe it at first. But after the little tease you gave us…divulging that What’s Her Name feels up Jesse Palmer, I think you may be you. Or it’s a sneaky ABC intern who works in the editing department and is posing as you.
4. Bob and Rebecca: I go to visit Rebecca over the weekend because she is 40 months pregnant and needs some company. She and her husband Bob are smart. I mean the smart. Literally working at NASA. Seriously. Both of them think that it is the real Chris Harrison on the message board and who am I to argue with rocket scientists?
5. Kirsten Dunst: As I was watching Little Women over the weekend, this thought kept creeping back into my mind. I couldn’t help but wonder… HOW IN THE HECK DOES KIRSTEN DUNST GET TO KISS SO MANY HOT GUYS IN HER MOVIES? Is she a good actress? Is she a bugger? Who cares? Let’s give a rundown, shall we…Freaking Brad “Infidelity” Pitt, Orlando Bloom, Josh Hardnett, James Franco, Paul Bettany, Tobey Maguire (only in the Spiderman outfit) and the hotter than crap Christian Bale.
6. Christian Bale: Ask anyone and they will tell you that I have been a Bale fan since Newsies. I went to see it at the movies in 9th grade. I owned the cassette tape. Which proves that as a young child, I had excellent taste in hot guys. I bet he growls…
7. Back to the root canal: After watching the show last night, I call BFF Paul and say, “Be-Fri…what am I to do? I am in pain and do not wish to write the recap tonight.” Be-Fri answers, “SUCK IT UP! I don’t want to read messages all night long wondering where the recap is. You march your butt in there and write till you can’t write any more. AND IT BETTER BE FUNNY! We have people waiting to get this stuff. THERE’S NO CRYING IN RECAP WRITING!” Then I fired him. But realized I couldn’t do this without him, so I re-hired him. He accepted because he is stoked about all the shout outs he receives on the message board. We apologized to each other and are BFF again. YOU’RE MY BOY PAULY!
8. What the CRAP: As I am writing this sentence, the website as reached 20,000 people. What in the world? I would check all week long to see who cared enough to read what I have to say and the numbers kept going up and up and up and up. I have a friend who thinks I need to encourage people on this website. Like voting or something. So here I go…
9. Lincee’s Platform: If you don’t have TiVO…get it. It will literally change your life. If you are not signed up for Netflix…do so. It will also change your life. Best movies of 2005 you should see: Roll Bounce, Charlie and the Chocolate Factory, Harry Potter and the Something (is it wrong that I think HP is cute?) and Walk the Line. Watch Ellen, Oprah, Dancing with the Stars, Grey’s Anatomy, the OC, Alias when it returns and the Young and the Restless. Get the CD for Mamma Mia and go to Vegas to see the show. If you’ve never had Wild Berry gummy Lifesavers, I suggest you give them a shot. And we should all vote in the next election.
SIMPLE DISCLAIMER
The following information you are about to read is of personal opinion. If this e-mail circulates to friends, family, enemies...that is your business. However, if you or someone in your address book happens to personally know, sort of know, know the brother/cousin of, thought you saw in the grocery store buying tofu or have a nail technician that looks exactly like one of the Bachelorettes on the
show...none of this is personal and I'm sure they are all lovely people.
I lied. There was one part of the “pre-show” that I did peek out from behind the cover. During my peek, Dr. McHottie was with Bubba Teeth. Lord knows if I had the energy, I would have muted the stupid TV, and missed the whole blessed event.
The hot tub.
Can I get an Amen for the hot tub scenes? Why are there not more hot tub scenes? It’s a simple question. In the Firestone days, we couldn’t drag Andrew out of the hot tub. Even if the hot tub wasn’t hot. Or full of water.
Best Friends Matt and Kevin
McHottie’s two best friend doctors have the task of picking the next one-on-one date. The twosome put the Bachelorettes through a series of difficult tasks to make their ever important decision.
Classic. Genius. Brilliant. All adjectives running through my mind as Matt and Kev asked each Bachelorette to point out the body’s biggest muscle. Interesting since it was a skeleton hanging before them. Some answers were brain, intestines, and the popular tongue given by Red. The guys admitted that they didn’t care if the girls were smart…the just wanted to see how they could handle themselves under pressure. And to flirt their guts out in hopes to get some of McHottie’s discards.
The next big test was to ask each girl to open a wooden box and choose from three different engagement rigs. Nice touch dudes. Tons of PC answers. “I don’t like anything too flashy.” and “I think this one looks like McHottie” or “Whatever he gave me, I would be happy with.” Mowana bellies up to the bar and flat out says she is shallow and would pick the rock.
The final test is to perform unique talents. Man would I kick butt in this competition. ABC’s backwards for sure. Unfortunately, we have an array of not-so-unique-talents. Susan juggles fruit with a book on her head. Nashville sticks her fist in her mouth.
And then there is Jennifer. Oh Jen. Could you think of nothing else? Recite the Preamble of the Constitution. Didn’t everyone learn that in 6th grade? Show them that you can count in Spanish. Have a stare contest with Matt. Anything but model your freaking swimsuit. And there she goes.
Walk…walk…walk…POSE. Walk…walk…walk…weight shift POSE!
One-On-One Date with Susan
Surprise, surprise…Matt and Kev pick Susan for the one-on-one date. McHottie comes to the chateau to pick her up and brings pizza for the girls. And guess what? They all…at the same time…say “Aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaahhhhhhhhhhhhwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwww.”
Where is my bucket?
The nine-foot tall couple squeezes into a clown car and set off for their date in Paris. Funny. I thought they were in Paris. McHottie is very nervous that he is going to get lost and look stupid in front of Susan. He succeeds. He suppresses his road range and finally asks a man with a herd of yaks how to get to Paris. Eight hours later, they find the Eiffel Tower.
They go to dinner and eat snails. Vomit. Right there I would vomit. That is why I could never be on the Bachelor. Can I get a Dr Pepper over here? Are there Pringles in Paris? What about something that does not crawl off my plate? I would get kicked off for simply having the appetite of a 6-year-old.
Meanwhile, the other girls are talking about Susan and how she is wants to be an actress and that is not a reason to be on the show. She is not there for the right reasons. Which brings us to Mowana. Her shtick is the aloof mystery woman. “I don’t care about the Bachelor. I don’t know if I like McHottie. I don’t know if I would accept a rose.” Why are you on the show again?
Back to Dr. McHottie and Susan…she feels the need to pour her heart out. Saying things like, “I like you” and “I feel there is something here” and points to her heart (which she learned where it was located from Kev and Matt) and “I believe this could go somewhere.” McHottie notices the relief in her eyes when he gives her the rose, realizes the hard part is over and escorts her out to the terrace where he gears up for a serious make out session.
Then we sit through a few pecks and lots of hugging. McHottie rolls his eyes, checks his watch and wonders what the deal is. It is then that he tries to get her in the mood with flattery and tells her how happy he is that she is in Paris with him. She answers, “I’m a smitten kitten.”
BUCKET. NEED MY BUCKET. WHO CARES THAT JAW IS SWOLLEN. VOMIT. COMING UP. FEEL IT IN MY THROAT. NEED AIR. CAN’T STOP THINKING ABOUT IT. SMITTEN KITTEN. SMITTEN KITTEN.
She gets home at 3:00 in the morning and the girls ask if she kissed him. She answers yes and someone says, “with tongue?” Susan answers, “We kept it classy.”
Nashville cries herself to sleep. Red is already passed out on the couch. Susan sleeps with her rose under her pillow and Student Sarah lights up in the bathroom.
Date Two
French Riviera
Bless her heart Nashville says that they are going on a pimpin’ yacht like Puffy and Beyonce. There is a bunch of unison screaming as they explore the boat. Dr. McHottie announces that they are going to be spending the night and suggests that they all go change into their swim suits and party on the Lido deck.
I think either “Whoomp There It Is” or “I Like Big Butts” blared in the background. Wait a minute…what was that? What are they doing?
It is at this point that I have to start pacing the floor. I’m screaming. I’m begging for him to stop. But he doesn’t. The dancing. I can still hear the screaming in my head at night time. Oh that dancing. McHottie just went down a couple of levels on my hotness scale. Please Lord. Don’t let him. Please keep him from doing it. And there it is…the white man’s overbite. I understand that Red was pretending he was a pole as she danced around him, but make it STOP!
Luckily, Mowana turns aggressive and decides to whisk him away on a jet ski. The other girls hate that she had all this alone time with McHottie.
Then they go gamble somewhere. Shiloh (who?) takes Dr. McHottie aside and confides in him that “not all girls are here for the right reasons.” McHottie doesn’t care that she was throwing someone under the bus…he’s going to make a decision by himself on what he sees.
They go back to the boat and Nashville pulls McHottie upstairs to visit. She wants him to know that she is in this for real. They have SOOOOO much in common. Like camping.
And being from Nashville.
And that she is a Kindergarten teacher and he once went to Kindergarten.
Unfortunately, Nashville did not think ahead of time and take McHottie to the boiler room. She chose the hot tub. Red comes up in her boxer shorts from 8th grade cheerleading camp used as a cover up and says that all the girls are coming up to get in the hot tub. YES! TAKE HIM WITH YOU. REMOVE THE SHIRT BUT DO NOT DANCE.
I did feel sorry for Nashville that she was interrupted twice by the boozer, but what are you going to do.
McHottie says he is not giving the rose until the next morning. Mowana takes that opportunity to bring him coffee the next day, somehow gets in his bed under the covers, has him lay on her stomach and profess that he wished they had been alone the previous day. She said he was cheesy. I’m wondering what she slipped in the coffee?
Date Three
Camping
Jennifer and Student Sarah get a box that says something like, “there will be one rose…see who stays and who goes.” Looks like ABC has hired Bubba Teeth to write their date box messages. WAY TO GO BUBBA!
Jen admits this is her first time camping. It is at this point we all know she is a goner. Bless her heart. She’s in a fur coat from Nordstrom’s while Student Sarah is kickin’ it in her camo. They get to the camp ground and begin to whittle sticks into long spears. McHottie thinks Jen is cute for trying. Student Sarah has already whittled her stick into a sharp spear and goes for what appears to be McHottie’s jugular. Luckily he moves his head just in time.
Dr. McHottie takes Jen into the tent to appease the producers of ABC. She freaks out about the bugs. Ironically, she didn’t notice that Student Sarah was poking them through the opening as Jen talked about how it is okay that they don’t have to like the same things to be married. Right.
They take forever and we see Student Sarah become restless. She scours the woods for some hemp.
McHottie turns Jen away and does not offer her a rose. He returns to Student Sarah in high spirits and jumps on her in her sleeping bag, clearly killing her buzz. McHottie notices the doobie and questions Student Sarah. She explains it is only for medicinal purposes, and McHottie smiles that he is getting to re-live his college days with someone ten years younger than he is. Pass the joint please.
After sparking, the two are unable to speak and do this strange finger to the mouth game that obviously…you had to be there to get…or had to be lit to get. You know…you’re walking down the hall in first grade and your teacher puts her finger to her mouth silently requesting that the students do not talk. They did that. To each other. And kissed in-between. With what appears to be a foot-long tongue coming out of Student Sarah’s mouth. Interesting.
Rose Ceremony
To no one’s surprise, he picks Nashville, Red and G-hand…just because he likes saying her name! He tells the camera he has no regrets about sending Shiloh (who?) packing and proposes a toast stolen from the fortune cookie he got earlier that day, “Here’s to living life in the moment.”
Just checked the website. We are up to 21,000. Thank you. And BFF Paul thanks you too. And Chris Harrison thanks you too. Now get back to work!
All about the shame, not the fame,
Lincee
THAT MAY OR MAY NOT HAVE ANYTHING TO DO WITH THE BACHELOR
1. Root Canal: Had a root canal performed on my upper right tooth yesterday. I was driving back to work from the dentist, when my sister calls and says, “I can’t believe you went back to work.” High pain tolerance. Right here. I can take it. I’m tough. I work in the oil industry people. You have to be strong in your pink hard hat. It was last night around 8:00 when that theory went out the window. Lying horizontal on the couch with an ice pack on my face, I turned to ABC after checking my TiVO to make sure the Bachelor was going to record. Didn’t want to miss it in case I fell asleep. This brings me to number two…
2. Awkwardness: Why ABC? Why? Why must you torture us with the most embarrassing moments of Bachelors in days of yore? The whole hour? You know how I get. I’m in the fetal position with a frozen jaw…helpless…and you make me hide the majority of the show under my blanket. Eggs rotting. Longing embraces from psychos that won’t let go. Crazy eyes directed to the fisherman. Even though it was like a car wreck and I was tempted to quickly look from behind my blanket…I didn’t. But I can still hear. I can hear Chris Harrison. Did you have to narrate every little unnerving moment? “Remember Amber Waves of Grain and Firestone’s uncomfortable silence?” or “Remember how Jesse gave What’s Her Name obvious body language that he was not interested in her nipple massages?” Make the madness stop!
3. Chris Harrison: Rumor has it that you are writing on the message board. I’ll have to admit that I didn’t believe it at first. But after the little tease you gave us…divulging that What’s Her Name feels up Jesse Palmer, I think you may be you. Or it’s a sneaky ABC intern who works in the editing department and is posing as you.
4. Bob and Rebecca: I go to visit Rebecca over the weekend because she is 40 months pregnant and needs some company. She and her husband Bob are smart. I mean the smart. Literally working at NASA. Seriously. Both of them think that it is the real Chris Harrison on the message board and who am I to argue with rocket scientists?
5. Kirsten Dunst: As I was watching Little Women over the weekend, this thought kept creeping back into my mind. I couldn’t help but wonder… HOW IN THE HECK DOES KIRSTEN DUNST GET TO KISS SO MANY HOT GUYS IN HER MOVIES? Is she a good actress? Is she a bugger? Who cares? Let’s give a rundown, shall we…Freaking Brad “Infidelity” Pitt, Orlando Bloom, Josh Hardnett, James Franco, Paul Bettany, Tobey Maguire (only in the Spiderman outfit) and the hotter than crap Christian Bale.
6. Christian Bale: Ask anyone and they will tell you that I have been a Bale fan since Newsies. I went to see it at the movies in 9th grade. I owned the cassette tape. Which proves that as a young child, I had excellent taste in hot guys. I bet he growls…
7. Back to the root canal: After watching the show last night, I call BFF Paul and say, “Be-Fri…what am I to do? I am in pain and do not wish to write the recap tonight.” Be-Fri answers, “SUCK IT UP! I don’t want to read messages all night long wondering where the recap is. You march your butt in there and write till you can’t write any more. AND IT BETTER BE FUNNY! We have people waiting to get this stuff. THERE’S NO CRYING IN RECAP WRITING!” Then I fired him. But realized I couldn’t do this without him, so I re-hired him. He accepted because he is stoked about all the shout outs he receives on the message board. We apologized to each other and are BFF again. YOU’RE MY BOY PAULY!
8. What the CRAP: As I am writing this sentence, the website as reached 20,000 people. What in the world? I would check all week long to see who cared enough to read what I have to say and the numbers kept going up and up and up and up. I have a friend who thinks I need to encourage people on this website. Like voting or something. So here I go…
9. Lincee’s Platform: If you don’t have TiVO…get it. It will literally change your life. If you are not signed up for Netflix…do so. It will also change your life. Best movies of 2005 you should see: Roll Bounce, Charlie and the Chocolate Factory, Harry Potter and the Something (is it wrong that I think HP is cute?) and Walk the Line. Watch Ellen, Oprah, Dancing with the Stars, Grey’s Anatomy, the OC, Alias when it returns and the Young and the Restless. Get the CD for Mamma Mia and go to Vegas to see the show. If you’ve never had Wild Berry gummy Lifesavers, I suggest you give them a shot. And we should all vote in the next election.
SIMPLE DISCLAIMER
The following information you are about to read is of personal opinion. If this e-mail circulates to friends, family, enemies...that is your business. However, if you or someone in your address book happens to personally know, sort of know, know the brother/cousin of, thought you saw in the grocery store buying tofu or have a nail technician that looks exactly like one of the Bachelorettes on the
show...none of this is personal and I'm sure they are all lovely people.
I lied. There was one part of the “pre-show” that I did peek out from behind the cover. During my peek, Dr. McHottie was with Bubba Teeth. Lord knows if I had the energy, I would have muted the stupid TV, and missed the whole blessed event.
The hot tub.
Can I get an Amen for the hot tub scenes? Why are there not more hot tub scenes? It’s a simple question. In the Firestone days, we couldn’t drag Andrew out of the hot tub. Even if the hot tub wasn’t hot. Or full of water.
Best Friends Matt and Kevin
McHottie’s two best friend doctors have the task of picking the next one-on-one date. The twosome put the Bachelorettes through a series of difficult tasks to make their ever important decision.
Classic. Genius. Brilliant. All adjectives running through my mind as Matt and Kev asked each Bachelorette to point out the body’s biggest muscle. Interesting since it was a skeleton hanging before them. Some answers were brain, intestines, and the popular tongue given by Red. The guys admitted that they didn’t care if the girls were smart…the just wanted to see how they could handle themselves under pressure. And to flirt their guts out in hopes to get some of McHottie’s discards.
The next big test was to ask each girl to open a wooden box and choose from three different engagement rigs. Nice touch dudes. Tons of PC answers. “I don’t like anything too flashy.” and “I think this one looks like McHottie” or “Whatever he gave me, I would be happy with.” Mowana bellies up to the bar and flat out says she is shallow and would pick the rock.
The final test is to perform unique talents. Man would I kick butt in this competition. ABC’s backwards for sure. Unfortunately, we have an array of not-so-unique-talents. Susan juggles fruit with a book on her head. Nashville sticks her fist in her mouth.
And then there is Jennifer. Oh Jen. Could you think of nothing else? Recite the Preamble of the Constitution. Didn’t everyone learn that in 6th grade? Show them that you can count in Spanish. Have a stare contest with Matt. Anything but model your freaking swimsuit. And there she goes.
Walk…walk…walk…POSE. Walk…walk…walk…weight shift POSE!
One-On-One Date with Susan
Surprise, surprise…Matt and Kev pick Susan for the one-on-one date. McHottie comes to the chateau to pick her up and brings pizza for the girls. And guess what? They all…at the same time…say “Aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaahhhhhhhhhhhhwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwww.”
Where is my bucket?
The nine-foot tall couple squeezes into a clown car and set off for their date in Paris. Funny. I thought they were in Paris. McHottie is very nervous that he is going to get lost and look stupid in front of Susan. He succeeds. He suppresses his road range and finally asks a man with a herd of yaks how to get to Paris. Eight hours later, they find the Eiffel Tower.
They go to dinner and eat snails. Vomit. Right there I would vomit. That is why I could never be on the Bachelor. Can I get a Dr Pepper over here? Are there Pringles in Paris? What about something that does not crawl off my plate? I would get kicked off for simply having the appetite of a 6-year-old.
Meanwhile, the other girls are talking about Susan and how she is wants to be an actress and that is not a reason to be on the show. She is not there for the right reasons. Which brings us to Mowana. Her shtick is the aloof mystery woman. “I don’t care about the Bachelor. I don’t know if I like McHottie. I don’t know if I would accept a rose.” Why are you on the show again?
Back to Dr. McHottie and Susan…she feels the need to pour her heart out. Saying things like, “I like you” and “I feel there is something here” and points to her heart (which she learned where it was located from Kev and Matt) and “I believe this could go somewhere.” McHottie notices the relief in her eyes when he gives her the rose, realizes the hard part is over and escorts her out to the terrace where he gears up for a serious make out session.
Then we sit through a few pecks and lots of hugging. McHottie rolls his eyes, checks his watch and wonders what the deal is. It is then that he tries to get her in the mood with flattery and tells her how happy he is that she is in Paris with him. She answers, “I’m a smitten kitten.”
BUCKET. NEED MY BUCKET. WHO CARES THAT JAW IS SWOLLEN. VOMIT. COMING UP. FEEL IT IN MY THROAT. NEED AIR. CAN’T STOP THINKING ABOUT IT. SMITTEN KITTEN. SMITTEN KITTEN.
She gets home at 3:00 in the morning and the girls ask if she kissed him. She answers yes and someone says, “with tongue?” Susan answers, “We kept it classy.”
Nashville cries herself to sleep. Red is already passed out on the couch. Susan sleeps with her rose under her pillow and Student Sarah lights up in the bathroom.
Date Two
French Riviera
Bless her heart Nashville says that they are going on a pimpin’ yacht like Puffy and Beyonce. There is a bunch of unison screaming as they explore the boat. Dr. McHottie announces that they are going to be spending the night and suggests that they all go change into their swim suits and party on the Lido deck.
I think either “Whoomp There It Is” or “I Like Big Butts” blared in the background. Wait a minute…what was that? What are they doing?
It is at this point that I have to start pacing the floor. I’m screaming. I’m begging for him to stop. But he doesn’t. The dancing. I can still hear the screaming in my head at night time. Oh that dancing. McHottie just went down a couple of levels on my hotness scale. Please Lord. Don’t let him. Please keep him from doing it. And there it is…the white man’s overbite. I understand that Red was pretending he was a pole as she danced around him, but make it STOP!
Luckily, Mowana turns aggressive and decides to whisk him away on a jet ski. The other girls hate that she had all this alone time with McHottie.
Then they go gamble somewhere. Shiloh (who?) takes Dr. McHottie aside and confides in him that “not all girls are here for the right reasons.” McHottie doesn’t care that she was throwing someone under the bus…he’s going to make a decision by himself on what he sees.
They go back to the boat and Nashville pulls McHottie upstairs to visit. She wants him to know that she is in this for real. They have SOOOOO much in common. Like camping.
And being from Nashville.
And that she is a Kindergarten teacher and he once went to Kindergarten.
Unfortunately, Nashville did not think ahead of time and take McHottie to the boiler room. She chose the hot tub. Red comes up in her boxer shorts from 8th grade cheerleading camp used as a cover up and says that all the girls are coming up to get in the hot tub. YES! TAKE HIM WITH YOU. REMOVE THE SHIRT BUT DO NOT DANCE.
I did feel sorry for Nashville that she was interrupted twice by the boozer, but what are you going to do.
McHottie says he is not giving the rose until the next morning. Mowana takes that opportunity to bring him coffee the next day, somehow gets in his bed under the covers, has him lay on her stomach and profess that he wished they had been alone the previous day. She said he was cheesy. I’m wondering what she slipped in the coffee?
Date Three
Camping
Jennifer and Student Sarah get a box that says something like, “there will be one rose…see who stays and who goes.” Looks like ABC has hired Bubba Teeth to write their date box messages. WAY TO GO BUBBA!
Jen admits this is her first time camping. It is at this point we all know she is a goner. Bless her heart. She’s in a fur coat from Nordstrom’s while Student Sarah is kickin’ it in her camo. They get to the camp ground and begin to whittle sticks into long spears. McHottie thinks Jen is cute for trying. Student Sarah has already whittled her stick into a sharp spear and goes for what appears to be McHottie’s jugular. Luckily he moves his head just in time.
Dr. McHottie takes Jen into the tent to appease the producers of ABC. She freaks out about the bugs. Ironically, she didn’t notice that Student Sarah was poking them through the opening as Jen talked about how it is okay that they don’t have to like the same things to be married. Right.
They take forever and we see Student Sarah become restless. She scours the woods for some hemp.
McHottie turns Jen away and does not offer her a rose. He returns to Student Sarah in high spirits and jumps on her in her sleeping bag, clearly killing her buzz. McHottie notices the doobie and questions Student Sarah. She explains it is only for medicinal purposes, and McHottie smiles that he is getting to re-live his college days with someone ten years younger than he is. Pass the joint please.
After sparking, the two are unable to speak and do this strange finger to the mouth game that obviously…you had to be there to get…or had to be lit to get. You know…you’re walking down the hall in first grade and your teacher puts her finger to her mouth silently requesting that the students do not talk. They did that. To each other. And kissed in-between. With what appears to be a foot-long tongue coming out of Student Sarah’s mouth. Interesting.
Rose Ceremony
To no one’s surprise, he picks Nashville, Red and G-hand…just because he likes saying her name! He tells the camera he has no regrets about sending Shiloh (who?) packing and proposes a toast stolen from the fortune cookie he got earlier that day, “Here’s to living life in the moment.”
Just checked the website. We are up to 21,000. Thank you. And BFF Paul thanks you too. And Chris Harrison thanks you too. Now get back to work!
All about the shame, not the fame,
Lincee
Tuesday, January 17, 2006
Episode 2
This is a day to remember. This is a day that we should never forget.
I’m officially online. Can you believe that? I began this random act of writing about the Bachelor back in the Firestone days. For years, several of you have suggested I get a message board or blog or website. And I just felt silly. This thing is not worth a blog. This is too embarrassing for a message board. Do I really want my words in cyber space for all to read?
Then I decided, who cares? Once my “list” hit around 1,000 names, it just became too hard to keep up with. It was at that point that I began hinting around to my computer savvy friend Jason that he needed to hook me up with an efficient way to reach the masses. Jason would direct me to websites and encourages me to research. He would always ask me if I had looked over the information and I would lie and say yes. He would then say, “You are a liar. Why are you scared?”
I’m not scared. I’m lazy. Plain and simple. Hate technology. Hate computers. Don’t really care how they work. I just want to write my stupid recap and send it out to the millions of people around the world who depend on my daily dose of craziness. Is that too much to ask? I don’t care to research unless it is to find the nearest Jack-in-the-Box by my work. Or Target. And there I draw the line.
Jason then sent my email to a co-worker of his named Paul.
Paul is my new best friend. In about five seconds, he had created a blog/website thing for my recaps. And it is too cute with precious polka-dots. He is doing this all out of the goodness of his heart and for that…I thank him.
So let’s get this party started! It is with great excitement that I invite you to www.thebachelorrecaps.com. Enjoy the madness!
Episode 2
I think I received 1.2 million emails between last Monday and this morning. You people thought I fell off the face of the Earth, didn’t you? So many new faces. So much to fill you in on. Let’s make it easy, shall we?
For those of you who don’t know me very well, I like lists. I find them easy and entertaining. Here is a list of things you should know about my recaps:
1. I get embarrassed for the people on the show. Way embarrassed. Sometimes I have to hide my face. Other times, I have to fast forward through awkward moments. It’s who I am. I often yell, “NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO” to the TV. Or scream, “SHUT UP SHUT UP SHUT UP” or “STOP IT STOP IT STOP IT STOP IT” because I feel for the girls. Which leads me to…
2. “Bless her heart.” This simple phrase was introduced to me by my dear friend Jill. She uses it when situations are so sad that there is nothing else to say. For instance, when one of the Bachelorettes fakes a sprained ankle and hoists her leg in the lap of Dr. Hottie to check out…the only thing you can say, (after thinking GIVE ME A BREAK in your head) is “Bless her heart.”
3. Random stories: I will tell you random stories that have nothing to do with the show. I will alert you so that you may scroll down if you are not interested. It’s who I am.
4. No matter what you may believe, I’m probably cooler than you think. I just turned 30 and have the diet of a 3rd grader. I enjoy all movies as long as they are romantic comedies, romance or have any kind of dancing or roller skating involved. Have a tendency to be stuck in the ‘80s and will occasionally reference the best decade ever in the recap. If that’s not cool…I don’t know what is.
RANDOM STORY
So I went to salsa class last night at the gym. Salsa. You read that correctly. Best class I’ve ever been to. Not only did I sweat, get a good workout and enjoy myself tremendously, but our instructor Ricardo could seriously give Ricky Martin a run for his money in the hip swivel department. I will be going back. Cha-cha-cha. That is why the recap is late. I had to watch the Bachelor, watch in fast-forward the Golden Globes (GO SEE WALK THE LINE) and then pack for a trip to Wyoming. I’m going to visit a PACE rig. It sounds as fun as it is. Me and my pink hard hat and steel toe boots will battle the weather, antelope and snowy driving conditions to fully understand the wonder that is the PACE.
All that to say, I was too tired to write the recap last night, and I apologize for the late delay. I could blame it on Paul, but because he is my new BFF, I won’t.
SIMPLE DISCLAIMER
The following information you are about to read is of personal opinion. If this e-mail circulates to friends, family, enemies...that is your business. However, if you or someone in your address book happens to personally know, sort of know, know the brother/cousin of, thought you saw in the grocery store buying tofu or have a nail technician that looks exactly like one of the Bachelorettes on the
show...none of this is personal and I'm sure they are all lovely people.
I am no longer allowed to call the Bachelor HSD any more. My Mom thinks it sounds like a school district. My friend Kimberly thinks it sounds like a sexually transmitted disease. Therefore, stealing from my other favorite show Grey’s Anatomy, Travis Stork will from now on be known as Dr. McHottie. Case closed. Everyone happy now?
So my sister calls last night in a panic around 7:59 p.m. THE BACHELOR IS ON! DID YOU KNOW IT WAS TWO HOURS? ARE YOU WATCHING? I HAD NO IDEA. Actually, I did read somewhere that it was on for two hours. In true ABC form, we had to sit through a whole hour of a “special encore presentation” of the Bachelor with “never before seen footage of the rose ceremony night.”
Please. I don’t need that. I’m already having a hard time flipping between the Golden Globes and the Antique Road Show. I am not going to waste my time learning about girls who have already been kicked off because their eggs are rotten.
I will begin at the second hour.
Chris greets the girls in front of their new château with a hearty, “Good morning ladies!” They answer in unison, “Good morning Chris!” Why a bunch of girls answering in unison bothers me so is a question to ponder. Since I was the captain of my high school drill team and we had to cheer for the football team in the stands, it drove me FREAKING NUTS when the girls would “wwwwhhhhhhhhhhhhoooooooooooooo” all together. Can I get a “Go team” or “DEFENSE” every once in a while? It’s a peeve. I’m working on it.
The girls are dressed in the latest denim fashions from the States with tiny tees and kicky boots. All looking fresh out of Vogue. Chris tells them that there will be two group dates and that since she was picked last, Kristen has scored the only one-on-one date. They all scream in unison (nails against the chalkboard) as they tour the chateau, hugging each other as if they were best friends forever!
Group Date 1
Box arrives with miniature Eiffel Tower, cameras and maps of the city. The girls are going to see Paris in a big red bus with its own lush love pad, fully equipped with fluffy pillows and booze.
The girls: Cole, Yvonne, Sarah, Elizabeth, Jehan and Susan
While in the Pier One pimped out bus, Dr. McHottie asks the group, “What is the one activity you could not give up?” Jehan answers yoga. Nice and safe Jehan. Yvonne answers shopping. Snaps for being honest Yvonne. Unfortunately, Dr. McHottie gives her a look of disgust and says that he could not give up camping. It is at that point that the rest of the girls chime in and tell stories of fly fishing, rafting down random rivers and igniting fires with a blade of grass, a little bit of sand and a bobby pin.
We finally get to the Tower and all the girls oooooooooo and ahhhhhhhh in annoying unison. Dr. McHottie takes Cole away and she gives him a rose since he never gets one. At this point I look for an appropriate place on my overstuffed chair to hurl. Where is my bucket anyway?
Alas it starts raining and the ABC intern has to run to the local thrift shop and purchase seven clear bubble umbrellas from 1972. Dr. McHottie takes Jehan to the top of the arch where miraculously, a blanket of raccoon tails and you guessed it…a bottle of booze is laid out for the two to sit and freeze. Nice. McHottie is pumped about “Gee-hand” because she is laid back and smiles all the time. He can see them having a beer together. He quickly leaves her to retrieve the super special rose and returns asking her if she would do him a huge favor. What she asks? “Will you accept this rose?” Great line. Two thumbs up!
Solo Date
Kristen
Bless her heart. Oh Kristen. Before I get to her single date, we have to recall the infamous toilet paper incident. You see, dear Kristen was fascinated that the ABC intern was thinking ahead and purchased Charmin with hearts on it. She had the BEST IDEA EVER and tried her hardest to encourage the other girls to make toilet paper wedding dresses. The response to her idea was a bunch of blank stares. Bless her heart. I think I did that at a wedding shower once. Or maybe I was at a 6th grade sleep over and we froze some girl’s bra. I can’t remember.
The word you are looking for is…anyway…
Bless her heart Kristen writes poetry. There is nothing wrong with that. I’ve written a poem or two in my day. Although I prefer the haiku, Kristen likes the more…shall we say…elementary versions. You know:
Roses are red.
Violets are blue.
You are sweet.
And I like you.
Sarah from Nashville wanders up on Kristen in deep thought. She is trying to find a word that rhymes with river. Ouch. That is tough. Sarah helps poor Kristen, secretly thinking, “YES! This crazy girl is GOING HOME TONIGHT!”
Cut to Dr. McHottie. He tells the camera that Kristen received a rose for her bright personality. He wants to see if there is anything else there. Yep. That’s code for, “I’m ticked off at ABC for screwing me over with a wasted one-on-one date with the shot glass chick. That was unfair! Note to self…pick the hot girls last next time Doctor.”
He calls her Mom to see what her favorite food is and arranges for the ABC intern to run down to Olive Garden for the bread sticks and salad. Kristen thinks that is SO COOL and is pumped that the rose is on the table. This, of COURSE, means that he is giving it to her.
Let’s all say it together: Bless her heart.
In obvious pain, McHottie explains to Kristen that the rose is there as a reminder to him that this there is an important decision to be made at the end of the night and then encourages her by saying, “Let’s see how the date goes.”
MAYDAY MAYDAY! COME IN KRISTEN! TONE IT DOWN…YOU ARE ON THE BRINK OF LOSING HIM. REPEAT. YOU ARE ON THE BRINK OF LOSING HIM. WHATEVER YOU DO…DO NOT SHOW HIM THE ORANGE PEEL TRICK. REPEAT. DO NOT SHOW HIM THE ORANGE PEEL TRICK.
Poor Kristen. Bless her heart. She didn’t read the signs. She stayed true to that heart on her sleeve, cut up an orange peel and put it in her mouth as Bubba teeth. Then asked if she had ruined the moment.
Of course…Kristen did not receive a rose and was sent home that night.
Let’s have a moment of silence for her dignity.
Amen.
While Kristen is on her date, ABC returns to the chateau to find the remaining girls boozing it up around the table talking about what turns them on. Something about hard nipples, baby oil and hair pulling. I would like to put throat growling on the table. Takers anyone? It has to be a good throat growl. There are few who can perform the task correctly…
RANDOM STORY ALERT
His name is Mike Taylor and we were Jungle Cruise Skippers together at Disney World. Mike was cool. He was one of the better skippers. One day, we were riding the bus to the Magic Kingdom. We were talking about stupid human tricks.
Like how I can say the ABCs backwards? He said something about how he is known for his growl and I just looked at him thinking, my trick is way better than yours. He leaned over and growled in my ear and I nearly melted. Don’t ask me. I can’t explain it. Luckily…that was early in our internship and for the next six months, when I was on the dock and Mike was pulling up a boat, he would occasionally growl in the microphone for me. Not too often, but every once in a while. Cut to earlier last year when Jill and I went back to Disney World to re-live our Skipper days on the Jungle Cruise when who do we find at MGM posing as Luke Skywalker? None other than Mike himself. And what did he do as I went to have my picture taken with him? Growl in my ear. Heaven ladies. If it is done correctly…heaven. Practice guys. And while I’m giving advice, learn to dance.
I’m getting faint just thinking about it. I need to pause.
Breathing. Breathing. Breathing.
And I’m back.
Group Date 2
The girls squeal in unison (gag me) at the arrival of the next date box. Going to drink champagne in Champagne. Helicopters arrive and whisk Jennifer, Moana, Shiloh, Red Head Tara and Student Sarah away. Dr. McHottie asks if there is anything cooler than this chopper ride. Then answers himself, “Seriously.” That’s my new word by the way. Spread it around. Seriously.
Jennifer and Shiloh are not featured in the date. I don’t know either of them. The girls get mad that Moana is not there for the right reasons. She doesn’t know if she likes the Bachelor. She is not into group dates. She is going to be a pain in my rear. And this is why: DON’T GO ON THE SHOW IF YOU ARE THIS WAY! C’mon! Give me a break. But it does make good TV. Have to have the villain.
Student Sarah asks Dr. McHottie to accompany her by the champagne in an adjacent cave. She all but takes her clothes off in hopes to get a kiss from McHottie, but he thinks it is uncool to kiss anyone on a group date. Very nice. Liking him more an more. No kissing. No hot tubs. Make us wait!
Just as McHottie is about to give his super special rose, Red Head Tara takes him down the dungeon to pour out her heart. Note that she is wearing boots and shorts. It is at this moment that I wonder where the Gap jeans, Baylor sweat shirts and flip flops are? That is what I would wear if I were on the show. Dress up once for him and then be yourself. I may apply lipstick if I’m feeling particularly saucy.
So Red tells McHottie that she is nervous she is not going to get a rose and he assures her that there is nothing to worry about. He ends up giving her the rose anyway and Student Sarah is pissed!
ROSE CEREMONY
I have to admit it was a good ceremony. McHottie tells Elizabeth that she is so positive. (ALERT ALERT ALERT) and tells Cole that she is the sweetest person he has ever met (KISS OF DEATH). Nashville Sarah says that she likes to be friends with her boyfriends first and then freaks out that she won’t get a rose.
It is at this point that McHottie takes Hot Susan to his bedroom and gives her a birthday cake. Told him that when he looks at her, the world melts away. They were THIS close to making out when Red and Geehand walk in to spoil the fun. What we didn’t see was the ABC producer encouraging them to LOOK IN HERE so that the kiss would be ruined and we would have to wait a whole week to see McHottie in action. He gets annoyed with Red and Gee because they have already received roses and should let him get to know the other girls. He sends them away with a piece of Hot Susan’s cake.
Student Sarah pulls McHottie away again and tells him that she wants to kiss. He says no. She asks for a baby kiss in a baby voice that made me want to stick my pencil I was taking notes with in my ear. He says no. She then pulls away and in her BEST baby voice asks, “You don’t want to kiss me?” He said that he wants to have restraint. If he would kiss anyone, it would be her. For some reason, he thinks she is adorable.
Luckily, we don’t have to sit through McHottie staring at framed pictures of the girls he must choose from that are displayed on a Pottery Barn bureau. We get right to the point and hear his choices:
Moana: Of course. We have to have drama.
Nashville Sarah: Home town connection, but she won’t win.
Jennifer: Who is this person?
Student Sarah: Surprise, surprise.
Shiloh: WHAT? No Cole? But she was the sweetest person he had ever met?
Hot Susan: Again…picks the chick he thinks he will get one-on-one with since she is last. I HAVE YOU FIGURED OUT ABC. TAKE THAT!
It wouldn’t be rose ceremony without a few tears. Poor Cole thinks that it is unfair that there are girls left in the house that don’t want to be there.
And did anyone find it odd that Student Sarah held McHottie’s hand at the end before they toasted? Stalker material perhaps?
I think there are bathing suits next week. Rock on!
All about the shame, not the fame,
Lincee
I’m officially online. Can you believe that? I began this random act of writing about the Bachelor back in the Firestone days. For years, several of you have suggested I get a message board or blog or website. And I just felt silly. This thing is not worth a blog. This is too embarrassing for a message board. Do I really want my words in cyber space for all to read?
Then I decided, who cares? Once my “list” hit around 1,000 names, it just became too hard to keep up with. It was at that point that I began hinting around to my computer savvy friend Jason that he needed to hook me up with an efficient way to reach the masses. Jason would direct me to websites and encourages me to research. He would always ask me if I had looked over the information and I would lie and say yes. He would then say, “You are a liar. Why are you scared?”
I’m not scared. I’m lazy. Plain and simple. Hate technology. Hate computers. Don’t really care how they work. I just want to write my stupid recap and send it out to the millions of people around the world who depend on my daily dose of craziness. Is that too much to ask? I don’t care to research unless it is to find the nearest Jack-in-the-Box by my work. Or Target. And there I draw the line.
Jason then sent my email to a co-worker of his named Paul.
Paul is my new best friend. In about five seconds, he had created a blog/website thing for my recaps. And it is too cute with precious polka-dots. He is doing this all out of the goodness of his heart and for that…I thank him.
So let’s get this party started! It is with great excitement that I invite you to www.thebachelorrecaps.com. Enjoy the madness!
Episode 2
I think I received 1.2 million emails between last Monday and this morning. You people thought I fell off the face of the Earth, didn’t you? So many new faces. So much to fill you in on. Let’s make it easy, shall we?
For those of you who don’t know me very well, I like lists. I find them easy and entertaining. Here is a list of things you should know about my recaps:
1. I get embarrassed for the people on the show. Way embarrassed. Sometimes I have to hide my face. Other times, I have to fast forward through awkward moments. It’s who I am. I often yell, “NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO” to the TV. Or scream, “SHUT UP SHUT UP SHUT UP” or “STOP IT STOP IT STOP IT STOP IT” because I feel for the girls. Which leads me to…
2. “Bless her heart.” This simple phrase was introduced to me by my dear friend Jill. She uses it when situations are so sad that there is nothing else to say. For instance, when one of the Bachelorettes fakes a sprained ankle and hoists her leg in the lap of Dr. Hottie to check out…the only thing you can say, (after thinking GIVE ME A BREAK in your head) is “Bless her heart.”
3. Random stories: I will tell you random stories that have nothing to do with the show. I will alert you so that you may scroll down if you are not interested. It’s who I am.
4. No matter what you may believe, I’m probably cooler than you think. I just turned 30 and have the diet of a 3rd grader. I enjoy all movies as long as they are romantic comedies, romance or have any kind of dancing or roller skating involved. Have a tendency to be stuck in the ‘80s and will occasionally reference the best decade ever in the recap. If that’s not cool…I don’t know what is.
RANDOM STORY
So I went to salsa class last night at the gym. Salsa. You read that correctly. Best class I’ve ever been to. Not only did I sweat, get a good workout and enjoy myself tremendously, but our instructor Ricardo could seriously give Ricky Martin a run for his money in the hip swivel department. I will be going back. Cha-cha-cha. That is why the recap is late. I had to watch the Bachelor, watch in fast-forward the Golden Globes (GO SEE WALK THE LINE) and then pack for a trip to Wyoming. I’m going to visit a PACE rig. It sounds as fun as it is. Me and my pink hard hat and steel toe boots will battle the weather, antelope and snowy driving conditions to fully understand the wonder that is the PACE.
All that to say, I was too tired to write the recap last night, and I apologize for the late delay. I could blame it on Paul, but because he is my new BFF, I won’t.
SIMPLE DISCLAIMER
The following information you are about to read is of personal opinion. If this e-mail circulates to friends, family, enemies...that is your business. However, if you or someone in your address book happens to personally know, sort of know, know the brother/cousin of, thought you saw in the grocery store buying tofu or have a nail technician that looks exactly like one of the Bachelorettes on the
show...none of this is personal and I'm sure they are all lovely people.
I am no longer allowed to call the Bachelor HSD any more. My Mom thinks it sounds like a school district. My friend Kimberly thinks it sounds like a sexually transmitted disease. Therefore, stealing from my other favorite show Grey’s Anatomy, Travis Stork will from now on be known as Dr. McHottie. Case closed. Everyone happy now?
So my sister calls last night in a panic around 7:59 p.m. THE BACHELOR IS ON! DID YOU KNOW IT WAS TWO HOURS? ARE YOU WATCHING? I HAD NO IDEA. Actually, I did read somewhere that it was on for two hours. In true ABC form, we had to sit through a whole hour of a “special encore presentation” of the Bachelor with “never before seen footage of the rose ceremony night.”
Please. I don’t need that. I’m already having a hard time flipping between the Golden Globes and the Antique Road Show. I am not going to waste my time learning about girls who have already been kicked off because their eggs are rotten.
I will begin at the second hour.
Chris greets the girls in front of their new château with a hearty, “Good morning ladies!” They answer in unison, “Good morning Chris!” Why a bunch of girls answering in unison bothers me so is a question to ponder. Since I was the captain of my high school drill team and we had to cheer for the football team in the stands, it drove me FREAKING NUTS when the girls would “wwwwhhhhhhhhhhhhoooooooooooooo” all together. Can I get a “Go team” or “DEFENSE” every once in a while? It’s a peeve. I’m working on it.
The girls are dressed in the latest denim fashions from the States with tiny tees and kicky boots. All looking fresh out of Vogue. Chris tells them that there will be two group dates and that since she was picked last, Kristen has scored the only one-on-one date. They all scream in unison (nails against the chalkboard) as they tour the chateau, hugging each other as if they were best friends forever!
Group Date 1
Box arrives with miniature Eiffel Tower, cameras and maps of the city. The girls are going to see Paris in a big red bus with its own lush love pad, fully equipped with fluffy pillows and booze.
The girls: Cole, Yvonne, Sarah, Elizabeth, Jehan and Susan
While in the Pier One pimped out bus, Dr. McHottie asks the group, “What is the one activity you could not give up?” Jehan answers yoga. Nice and safe Jehan. Yvonne answers shopping. Snaps for being honest Yvonne. Unfortunately, Dr. McHottie gives her a look of disgust and says that he could not give up camping. It is at that point that the rest of the girls chime in and tell stories of fly fishing, rafting down random rivers and igniting fires with a blade of grass, a little bit of sand and a bobby pin.
We finally get to the Tower and all the girls oooooooooo and ahhhhhhhh in annoying unison. Dr. McHottie takes Cole away and she gives him a rose since he never gets one. At this point I look for an appropriate place on my overstuffed chair to hurl. Where is my bucket anyway?
Alas it starts raining and the ABC intern has to run to the local thrift shop and purchase seven clear bubble umbrellas from 1972. Dr. McHottie takes Jehan to the top of the arch where miraculously, a blanket of raccoon tails and you guessed it…a bottle of booze is laid out for the two to sit and freeze. Nice. McHottie is pumped about “Gee-hand” because she is laid back and smiles all the time. He can see them having a beer together. He quickly leaves her to retrieve the super special rose and returns asking her if she would do him a huge favor. What she asks? “Will you accept this rose?” Great line. Two thumbs up!
Solo Date
Kristen
Bless her heart. Oh Kristen. Before I get to her single date, we have to recall the infamous toilet paper incident. You see, dear Kristen was fascinated that the ABC intern was thinking ahead and purchased Charmin with hearts on it. She had the BEST IDEA EVER and tried her hardest to encourage the other girls to make toilet paper wedding dresses. The response to her idea was a bunch of blank stares. Bless her heart. I think I did that at a wedding shower once. Or maybe I was at a 6th grade sleep over and we froze some girl’s bra. I can’t remember.
The word you are looking for is…anyway…
Bless her heart Kristen writes poetry. There is nothing wrong with that. I’ve written a poem or two in my day. Although I prefer the haiku, Kristen likes the more…shall we say…elementary versions. You know:
Roses are red.
Violets are blue.
You are sweet.
And I like you.
Sarah from Nashville wanders up on Kristen in deep thought. She is trying to find a word that rhymes with river. Ouch. That is tough. Sarah helps poor Kristen, secretly thinking, “YES! This crazy girl is GOING HOME TONIGHT!”
Cut to Dr. McHottie. He tells the camera that Kristen received a rose for her bright personality. He wants to see if there is anything else there. Yep. That’s code for, “I’m ticked off at ABC for screwing me over with a wasted one-on-one date with the shot glass chick. That was unfair! Note to self…pick the hot girls last next time Doctor.”
He calls her Mom to see what her favorite food is and arranges for the ABC intern to run down to Olive Garden for the bread sticks and salad. Kristen thinks that is SO COOL and is pumped that the rose is on the table. This, of COURSE, means that he is giving it to her.
Let’s all say it together: Bless her heart.
In obvious pain, McHottie explains to Kristen that the rose is there as a reminder to him that this there is an important decision to be made at the end of the night and then encourages her by saying, “Let’s see how the date goes.”
MAYDAY MAYDAY! COME IN KRISTEN! TONE IT DOWN…YOU ARE ON THE BRINK OF LOSING HIM. REPEAT. YOU ARE ON THE BRINK OF LOSING HIM. WHATEVER YOU DO…DO NOT SHOW HIM THE ORANGE PEEL TRICK. REPEAT. DO NOT SHOW HIM THE ORANGE PEEL TRICK.
Poor Kristen. Bless her heart. She didn’t read the signs. She stayed true to that heart on her sleeve, cut up an orange peel and put it in her mouth as Bubba teeth. Then asked if she had ruined the moment.
Of course…Kristen did not receive a rose and was sent home that night.
Let’s have a moment of silence for her dignity.
Amen.
While Kristen is on her date, ABC returns to the chateau to find the remaining girls boozing it up around the table talking about what turns them on. Something about hard nipples, baby oil and hair pulling. I would like to put throat growling on the table. Takers anyone? It has to be a good throat growl. There are few who can perform the task correctly…
RANDOM STORY ALERT
His name is Mike Taylor and we were Jungle Cruise Skippers together at Disney World. Mike was cool. He was one of the better skippers. One day, we were riding the bus to the Magic Kingdom. We were talking about stupid human tricks.
Like how I can say the ABCs backwards? He said something about how he is known for his growl and I just looked at him thinking, my trick is way better than yours. He leaned over and growled in my ear and I nearly melted. Don’t ask me. I can’t explain it. Luckily…that was early in our internship and for the next six months, when I was on the dock and Mike was pulling up a boat, he would occasionally growl in the microphone for me. Not too often, but every once in a while. Cut to earlier last year when Jill and I went back to Disney World to re-live our Skipper days on the Jungle Cruise when who do we find at MGM posing as Luke Skywalker? None other than Mike himself. And what did he do as I went to have my picture taken with him? Growl in my ear. Heaven ladies. If it is done correctly…heaven. Practice guys. And while I’m giving advice, learn to dance.
I’m getting faint just thinking about it. I need to pause.
Breathing. Breathing. Breathing.
And I’m back.
Group Date 2
The girls squeal in unison (gag me) at the arrival of the next date box. Going to drink champagne in Champagne. Helicopters arrive and whisk Jennifer, Moana, Shiloh, Red Head Tara and Student Sarah away. Dr. McHottie asks if there is anything cooler than this chopper ride. Then answers himself, “Seriously.” That’s my new word by the way. Spread it around. Seriously.
Jennifer and Shiloh are not featured in the date. I don’t know either of them. The girls get mad that Moana is not there for the right reasons. She doesn’t know if she likes the Bachelor. She is not into group dates. She is going to be a pain in my rear. And this is why: DON’T GO ON THE SHOW IF YOU ARE THIS WAY! C’mon! Give me a break. But it does make good TV. Have to have the villain.
Student Sarah asks Dr. McHottie to accompany her by the champagne in an adjacent cave. She all but takes her clothes off in hopes to get a kiss from McHottie, but he thinks it is uncool to kiss anyone on a group date. Very nice. Liking him more an more. No kissing. No hot tubs. Make us wait!
Just as McHottie is about to give his super special rose, Red Head Tara takes him down the dungeon to pour out her heart. Note that she is wearing boots and shorts. It is at this moment that I wonder where the Gap jeans, Baylor sweat shirts and flip flops are? That is what I would wear if I were on the show. Dress up once for him and then be yourself. I may apply lipstick if I’m feeling particularly saucy.
So Red tells McHottie that she is nervous she is not going to get a rose and he assures her that there is nothing to worry about. He ends up giving her the rose anyway and Student Sarah is pissed!
ROSE CEREMONY
I have to admit it was a good ceremony. McHottie tells Elizabeth that she is so positive. (ALERT ALERT ALERT) and tells Cole that she is the sweetest person he has ever met (KISS OF DEATH). Nashville Sarah says that she likes to be friends with her boyfriends first and then freaks out that she won’t get a rose.
It is at this point that McHottie takes Hot Susan to his bedroom and gives her a birthday cake. Told him that when he looks at her, the world melts away. They were THIS close to making out when Red and Geehand walk in to spoil the fun. What we didn’t see was the ABC producer encouraging them to LOOK IN HERE so that the kiss would be ruined and we would have to wait a whole week to see McHottie in action. He gets annoyed with Red and Gee because they have already received roses and should let him get to know the other girls. He sends them away with a piece of Hot Susan’s cake.
Student Sarah pulls McHottie away again and tells him that she wants to kiss. He says no. She asks for a baby kiss in a baby voice that made me want to stick my pencil I was taking notes with in my ear. He says no. She then pulls away and in her BEST baby voice asks, “You don’t want to kiss me?” He said that he wants to have restraint. If he would kiss anyone, it would be her. For some reason, he thinks she is adorable.
Luckily, we don’t have to sit through McHottie staring at framed pictures of the girls he must choose from that are displayed on a Pottery Barn bureau. We get right to the point and hear his choices:
Moana: Of course. We have to have drama.
Nashville Sarah: Home town connection, but she won’t win.
Jennifer: Who is this person?
Student Sarah: Surprise, surprise.
Shiloh: WHAT? No Cole? But she was the sweetest person he had ever met?
Hot Susan: Again…picks the chick he thinks he will get one-on-one with since she is last. I HAVE YOU FIGURED OUT ABC. TAKE THAT!
It wouldn’t be rose ceremony without a few tears. Poor Cole thinks that it is unfair that there are girls left in the house that don’t want to be there.
And did anyone find it odd that Student Sarah held McHottie’s hand at the end before they toasted? Stalker material perhaps?
I think there are bathing suits next week. Rock on!
All about the shame, not the fame,
Lincee
Wednesday, January 11, 2006
Hot Southern Doctor Episode 1
I feel like this is a high school reunion. We should all stand around in a circle while secretly reading each other's name tags and tell what we've been doing for the past year.
OK...I'll go first. Got a new job. Oil industry. I have to wear a hard hat. It's pink.
Now that the boring stuff is out of the way, let's talk about what REALLY matters since we last spoke...don't you just LOVE Dancing With the Stars? How about So You Think You Can Dance? If you haven't seen Roll Bounce or Charlie and the Chocolate Factory...do it. I own both if you would like to borrow them. Sad that Alias is almost over. Excited that Young & the Restless is worth watching again. Love Grey's Anatomy.
And now for the really really stuff that matters. I GOT TIVO! WHOO HOOOO!
Of course, I was able to pause, rewind, fast forward my way into what is obviously going to be the best Bachelor ever. Not only did ABC and Chris Harrison tell us that, but I genuinely think that they may be on to something...
SIMPLE DISCLAIMER
The following information you are about to read is of personal opinion. If this e-mail circulates to friends, family, enemies...that is your business. However, if you or someone in your address book happens to personally know, sort of know, know the brother/cousin of, thought you saw in the grocery store buying tofu or have a nail technician that looks exactly like one of the Bachelorettes on the show...none of this is personal and I'm sure they are all lovely people.
Right from the start, before any of the women get out of the car, I have a page of notes. Let's begin with the opening montage, shall we?
ABC decides it is a good idea to shove in our faces a quick video clip of the past Bachelor/Bachelorettes of days gone by. We start off with the Original Bachelor Alex. What a tool. And the b00b chick he chose instead of Trista. We see all of our favorite freaks and several "bless her heart" moments from previous losers. Then they show the three couples out of the 150 episodes that actually still call themselves couples. It's as if ABC is saying to us, "You sucker. You actually watched this crap. You thought that each time the end result would be happily ever after? WRONG! But you just wait. This season is different. THEY ARE IN PARIS. HELLO! We are taking this to a new level."
They actually used that phrase. And just for the record, the word chateau was used 27 times, the Eiffel Tower was shown in 9,437 angles, seven women called him "Prince Charming" when meeting and ten dresses worn by the Bachelorettes were low-cut in the crimson red family. In case you are keeping track.
The Bachelor
It wasn't seeing Travis Stork in the ER of some Nashville hospital.
It wasn't seeing Travis Stork running in some random park without a shirt. It wasn't seeing Travis Stork in a fabulous suit with electric blue tie. It was when Travis Stork greeted Chris Harrison by saying "Mayer See" with an absolutely charming accent. That is when I decided that he was hotter than crap and that his proper nickname should be Hot Southern Doctor. He will be HSD from this day forward.
Till death do us part.
The Bachelorettes
Susan
25, Kansas
Financial Associate
Why you remember her: You thought that HSD would give her the "special rose" but ABC tricked you and he gave it to the granola camping chick.
Status: Rose
Cortney
Law Clerk
28, LA
Why you remember her: HSD said he had a full moon delivered just for her. Funny...it didn't look full to me.
Status: No rose
Kyle
Senior Copy Writer
25, California
Why you remember her: You wonder if you have ever met a girl named Kyle. She promises to get him to like country music. Then you forgot her.
Status: No rose
April
Corporate Real Estate
29, Dallas
Why you remember her: Shoe fell off. Weird neckline on her funky dress.
Status: No rose
Jehan
Vitamin Sales Rep
29, Chicago
Why you remember her: How do you say her name again? Again? One more time? And what does HSD reply? "Gee-hand." How precious is that?
Status: Rose
Kristen
Marketing Director
25, California
Why you remember her: Gave HSD a shot glass in hopes that "they had a shot to get to know one another." Let's all say it together...bless her heart.
What you asked yourself when she got a rose: Are you kidding me?
Jennifer
Model
25, Boston
Why you remember her: She thinks she and HSD would make "cute little babies"
Status: Rose
Tara
Retail Sales (huh? The Gap maybe?)
23, California
Why you remember her: The red head who kept hoisting her bronze dress up
Status: Rose
Venus
Yeah...uhm...who?
Moana
Distribution Manager
26, LA
Why you remember her: Told the HSD that life was all about taking risks as she tossed her hair to show off the leaf earrings
Status: Rose
Cole (what is with the boy names?)
Sales Executive
26, California
Why you remember her: You remember her b00bs. Yes you do. Admit
it. I think HSD remembered them too, because he admitted that he couldn't wait to talk to her. Said she was the first one out of the limo. And what part of the body would be first when exiting a limo?
The b00bs. I'm right.
Status: Rose
Sara
Got nothing.
Lisa
I'm really searching here.
Princess
African-American chick with cool dress
Liza
Seriously...did I even watch this show?
Sarah S.
Kindergarten Teacher
26, Tennessee
Why you remember her: Shout out to the home town...NASHVILLE! What if they were related? Now that would be a great show!
Status: Rose
Kathy
Jaime
Physician Recruiter
29, Virginia
Why you initially remember her: That voice. That accent.
Why you really remember her: The random twirly bun on the not-so-side of her head.
Status: No rose
Elizabeth
Social Worker
24, New Hampshire
Why you remember her: You don't. You looked her up on the ABC website like I did.
Status: Rose
Yvonne
CFO of Marketing Firm
29, Florida
Why you remember her: As she steps out of the limo, she says in her best valley girl voice, "Love the suit, love the tie, matches the eyes...love the package."
Why you hid behind your legal pad thinking NO NO NO NO NO to yourself in embarrassment: Yvonne is the chick that rains on Psycho's parade as she is promising her eggs to HSD
Status: Rose
Shiloh
Advertising Manager
29, Arizona
Why you remember her: Only chick with yellow dress.
Status: Rose
Ali D
NBA Dancer
26, Washington
Why you remember her: Wants a guy to chop wood.
Status: No rose
Stephanie
I'm out.
Allie
Doctor
33, Florida
Why you remember her: Should I even dignify this with an answer?
Should I waste my time and energy on typing? Who cares that ABC hired some actress to pretend to be a doctor and talk about reproduction on national TV. Who cares that she followed the producers around asking for a new Bachelor because this one lies about not wanting to reproduce...rambling about some cart before the horse and eggs rotting. I won't waste my time.
Status: No rose
Sarah
Student
23, Canada
Why you remember her: You wonder if there were 3 or 4 bobby pins holding up her hair and thought it was sweet that her friend loaned her a pretty dress to wear while in Paris shooting the Bachelor.
Status: Received the special rose
Looks like it is going to be THE BEST SEASON EVER! Next week, there will be tears, broken hearts and exotic dates to far off places like...Milwaukee! Stay tuned and remember to go rent/Netflick/purchase Roll Bounce!
All about the shame, not the fame,
Lincee
OK...I'll go first. Got a new job. Oil industry. I have to wear a hard hat. It's pink.
Now that the boring stuff is out of the way, let's talk about what REALLY matters since we last spoke...don't you just LOVE Dancing With the Stars? How about So You Think You Can Dance? If you haven't seen Roll Bounce or Charlie and the Chocolate Factory...do it. I own both if you would like to borrow them. Sad that Alias is almost over. Excited that Young & the Restless is worth watching again. Love Grey's Anatomy.
And now for the really really stuff that matters. I GOT TIVO! WHOO HOOOO!
Of course, I was able to pause, rewind, fast forward my way into what is obviously going to be the best Bachelor ever. Not only did ABC and Chris Harrison tell us that, but I genuinely think that they may be on to something...
SIMPLE DISCLAIMER
The following information you are about to read is of personal opinion. If this e-mail circulates to friends, family, enemies...that is your business. However, if you or someone in your address book happens to personally know, sort of know, know the brother/cousin of, thought you saw in the grocery store buying tofu or have a nail technician that looks exactly like one of the Bachelorettes on the show...none of this is personal and I'm sure they are all lovely people.
Right from the start, before any of the women get out of the car, I have a page of notes. Let's begin with the opening montage, shall we?
ABC decides it is a good idea to shove in our faces a quick video clip of the past Bachelor/Bachelorettes of days gone by. We start off with the Original Bachelor Alex. What a tool. And the b00b chick he chose instead of Trista. We see all of our favorite freaks and several "bless her heart" moments from previous losers. Then they show the three couples out of the 150 episodes that actually still call themselves couples. It's as if ABC is saying to us, "You sucker. You actually watched this crap. You thought that each time the end result would be happily ever after? WRONG! But you just wait. This season is different. THEY ARE IN PARIS. HELLO! We are taking this to a new level."
They actually used that phrase. And just for the record, the word chateau was used 27 times, the Eiffel Tower was shown in 9,437 angles, seven women called him "Prince Charming" when meeting and ten dresses worn by the Bachelorettes were low-cut in the crimson red family. In case you are keeping track.
The Bachelor
It wasn't seeing Travis Stork in the ER of some Nashville hospital.
It wasn't seeing Travis Stork running in some random park without a shirt. It wasn't seeing Travis Stork in a fabulous suit with electric blue tie. It was when Travis Stork greeted Chris Harrison by saying "Mayer See" with an absolutely charming accent. That is when I decided that he was hotter than crap and that his proper nickname should be Hot Southern Doctor. He will be HSD from this day forward.
Till death do us part.
The Bachelorettes
Susan
25, Kansas
Financial Associate
Why you remember her: You thought that HSD would give her the "special rose" but ABC tricked you and he gave it to the granola camping chick.
Status: Rose
Cortney
Law Clerk
28, LA
Why you remember her: HSD said he had a full moon delivered just for her. Funny...it didn't look full to me.
Status: No rose
Kyle
Senior Copy Writer
25, California
Why you remember her: You wonder if you have ever met a girl named Kyle. She promises to get him to like country music. Then you forgot her.
Status: No rose
April
Corporate Real Estate
29, Dallas
Why you remember her: Shoe fell off. Weird neckline on her funky dress.
Status: No rose
Jehan
Vitamin Sales Rep
29, Chicago
Why you remember her: How do you say her name again? Again? One more time? And what does HSD reply? "Gee-hand." How precious is that?
Status: Rose
Kristen
Marketing Director
25, California
Why you remember her: Gave HSD a shot glass in hopes that "they had a shot to get to know one another." Let's all say it together...bless her heart.
What you asked yourself when she got a rose: Are you kidding me?
Jennifer
Model
25, Boston
Why you remember her: She thinks she and HSD would make "cute little babies"
Status: Rose
Tara
Retail Sales (huh? The Gap maybe?)
23, California
Why you remember her: The red head who kept hoisting her bronze dress up
Status: Rose
Venus
Yeah...uhm...who?
Moana
Distribution Manager
26, LA
Why you remember her: Told the HSD that life was all about taking risks as she tossed her hair to show off the leaf earrings
Status: Rose
Cole (what is with the boy names?)
Sales Executive
26, California
Why you remember her: You remember her b00bs. Yes you do. Admit
it. I think HSD remembered them too, because he admitted that he couldn't wait to talk to her. Said she was the first one out of the limo. And what part of the body would be first when exiting a limo?
The b00bs. I'm right.
Status: Rose
Sara
Got nothing.
Lisa
I'm really searching here.
Princess
African-American chick with cool dress
Liza
Seriously...did I even watch this show?
Sarah S.
Kindergarten Teacher
26, Tennessee
Why you remember her: Shout out to the home town...NASHVILLE! What if they were related? Now that would be a great show!
Status: Rose
Kathy
Jaime
Physician Recruiter
29, Virginia
Why you initially remember her: That voice. That accent.
Why you really remember her: The random twirly bun on the not-so-side of her head.
Status: No rose
Elizabeth
Social Worker
24, New Hampshire
Why you remember her: You don't. You looked her up on the ABC website like I did.
Status: Rose
Yvonne
CFO of Marketing Firm
29, Florida
Why you remember her: As she steps out of the limo, she says in her best valley girl voice, "Love the suit, love the tie, matches the eyes...love the package."
Why you hid behind your legal pad thinking NO NO NO NO NO to yourself in embarrassment: Yvonne is the chick that rains on Psycho's parade as she is promising her eggs to HSD
Status: Rose
Shiloh
Advertising Manager
29, Arizona
Why you remember her: Only chick with yellow dress.
Status: Rose
Ali D
NBA Dancer
26, Washington
Why you remember her: Wants a guy to chop wood.
Status: No rose
Stephanie
I'm out.
Allie
Doctor
33, Florida
Why you remember her: Should I even dignify this with an answer?
Should I waste my time and energy on typing? Who cares that ABC hired some actress to pretend to be a doctor and talk about reproduction on national TV. Who cares that she followed the producers around asking for a new Bachelor because this one lies about not wanting to reproduce...rambling about some cart before the horse and eggs rotting. I won't waste my time.
Status: No rose
Sarah
Student
23, Canada
Why you remember her: You wonder if there were 3 or 4 bobby pins holding up her hair and thought it was sweet that her friend loaned her a pretty dress to wear while in Paris shooting the Bachelor.
Status: Received the special rose
Looks like it is going to be THE BEST SEASON EVER! Next week, there will be tears, broken hearts and exotic dates to far off places like...Milwaukee! Stay tuned and remember to go rent/Netflick/purchase Roll Bounce!
All about the shame, not the fame,
Lincee
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