OK...I'll go first. Got a new job. Oil industry. I have to wear a hard hat. It's pink.
Now that the boring stuff is out of the way, let's talk about what REALLY matters since we last spoke...don't you just LOVE Dancing With the Stars? How about So You Think You Can Dance? If you haven't seen Roll Bounce or Charlie and the Chocolate Factory...do it. I own both if you would like to borrow them. Sad that Alias is almost over. Excited that Young & the Restless is worth watching again. Love Grey's Anatomy.
And now for the really really stuff that matters. I GOT TIVO! WHOO HOOOO!
Of course, I was able to pause, rewind, fast forward my way into what is obviously going to be the best Bachelor ever. Not only did ABC and Chris Harrison tell us that, but I genuinely think that they may be on to something...
SIMPLE DISCLAIMER
The following information you are about to read is of personal opinion. If this e-mail circulates to friends, family, enemies...that is your business. However, if you or someone in your address book happens to personally know, sort of know, know the brother/cousin of, thought you saw in the grocery store buying tofu or have a nail technician that looks exactly like one of the Bachelorettes on the show...none of this is personal and I'm sure they are all lovely people.
Right from the start, before any of the women get out of the car, I have a page of notes. Let's begin with the opening montage, shall we?
ABC decides it is a good idea to shove in our faces a quick video clip of the past Bachelor/Bachelorettes of days gone by. We start off with the Original Bachelor Alex. What a tool. And the b00b chick he chose instead of Trista. We see all of our favorite freaks and several "bless her heart" moments from previous losers. Then they show the three couples out of the 150 episodes that actually still call themselves couples. It's as if ABC is saying to us, "You sucker. You actually watched this crap. You thought that each time the end result would be happily ever after? WRONG! But you just wait. This season is different. THEY ARE IN PARIS. HELLO! We are taking this to a new level."
They actually used that phrase. And just for the record, the word chateau was used 27 times, the Eiffel Tower was shown in 9,437 angles, seven women called him "Prince Charming" when meeting and ten dresses worn by the Bachelorettes were low-cut in the crimson red family. In case you are keeping track.
The Bachelor
It wasn't seeing Travis Stork in the ER of some Nashville hospital.
It wasn't seeing Travis Stork running in some random park without a shirt. It wasn't seeing Travis Stork in a fabulous suit with electric blue tie. It was when Travis Stork greeted Chris Harrison by saying "Mayer See" with an absolutely charming accent. That is when I decided that he was hotter than crap and that his proper nickname should be Hot Southern Doctor. He will be HSD from this day forward.
Till death do us part.
The Bachelorettes
Susan
25, Kansas
Financial Associate
Why you remember her: You thought that HSD would give her the "special rose" but ABC tricked you and he gave it to the granola camping chick.
Status: Rose
Cortney
Law Clerk
28, LA
Why you remember her: HSD said he had a full moon delivered just for her. Funny...it didn't look full to me.
Status: No rose
Kyle
Senior Copy Writer
25, California
Why you remember her: You wonder if you have ever met a girl named Kyle. She promises to get him to like country music. Then you forgot her.
Status: No rose
April
Corporate Real Estate
29, Dallas
Why you remember her: Shoe fell off. Weird neckline on her funky dress.
Status: No rose
Jehan
Vitamin Sales Rep
29, Chicago
Why you remember her: How do you say her name again? Again? One more time? And what does HSD reply? "Gee-hand." How precious is that?
Status: Rose
Kristen
Marketing Director
25, California
Why you remember her: Gave HSD a shot glass in hopes that "they had a shot to get to know one another." Let's all say it together...bless her heart.
What you asked yourself when she got a rose: Are you kidding me?
Jennifer
Model
25, Boston
Why you remember her: She thinks she and HSD would make "cute little babies"
Status: Rose
Tara
Retail Sales (huh? The Gap maybe?)
23, California
Why you remember her: The red head who kept hoisting her bronze dress up
Status: Rose
Venus
Yeah...uhm...who?
Moana
Distribution Manager
26, LA
Why you remember her: Told the HSD that life was all about taking risks as she tossed her hair to show off the leaf earrings
Status: Rose
Cole (what is with the boy names?)
Sales Executive
26, California
Why you remember her: You remember her b00bs. Yes you do. Admit
it. I think HSD remembered them too, because he admitted that he couldn't wait to talk to her. Said she was the first one out of the limo. And what part of the body would be first when exiting a limo?
The b00bs. I'm right.
Status: Rose
Sara
Got nothing.
Lisa
I'm really searching here.
Princess
African-American chick with cool dress
Liza
Seriously...did I even watch this show?
Sarah S.
Kindergarten Teacher
26, Tennessee
Why you remember her: Shout out to the home town...NASHVILLE! What if they were related? Now that would be a great show!
Status: Rose
Kathy
Jaime
Physician Recruiter
29, Virginia
Why you initially remember her: That voice. That accent.
Why you really remember her: The random twirly bun on the not-so-side of her head.
Status: No rose
Elizabeth
Social Worker
24, New Hampshire
Why you remember her: You don't. You looked her up on the ABC website like I did.
Status: Rose
Yvonne
CFO of Marketing Firm
29, Florida
Why you remember her: As she steps out of the limo, she says in her best valley girl voice, "Love the suit, love the tie, matches the eyes...love the package."
Why you hid behind your legal pad thinking NO NO NO NO NO to yourself in embarrassment: Yvonne is the chick that rains on Psycho's parade as she is promising her eggs to HSD
Status: Rose
Shiloh
Advertising Manager
29, Arizona
Why you remember her: Only chick with yellow dress.
Status: Rose
Ali D
NBA Dancer
26, Washington
Why you remember her: Wants a guy to chop wood.
Status: No rose
Stephanie
I'm out.
Allie
Doctor
33, Florida
Why you remember her: Should I even dignify this with an answer?
Should I waste my time and energy on typing? Who cares that ABC hired some actress to pretend to be a doctor and talk about reproduction on national TV. Who cares that she followed the producers around asking for a new Bachelor because this one lies about not wanting to reproduce...rambling about some cart before the horse and eggs rotting. I won't waste my time.
Status: No rose
Sarah
Student
23, Canada
Why you remember her: You wonder if there were 3 or 4 bobby pins holding up her hair and thought it was sweet that her friend loaned her a pretty dress to wear while in Paris shooting the Bachelor.
Status: Received the special rose
Looks like it is going to be THE BEST SEASON EVER! Next week, there will be tears, broken hearts and exotic dates to far off places like...Milwaukee! Stay tuned and remember to go rent/Netflick/purchase Roll Bounce!
All about the shame, not the fame,
Lincee
38 comments:
I would like to highly suggest that anyone in the Florida area receiving treatment from a "doctor Allie" to...RUN!! Find another doctor ASAP!! What a nut!
Thanks for putting all my thoughts into words! From the dirty feet of Kush 2 to the dangly leaf earrings of chick ? this season. . . you don't miss a thing! Reading your recaps are almost as fun as watching the crazzies twist in the wind!!
Thumbs up!!
Rumor has it that the produces picked two bisexual women, and there's a steamy 3-some planned for episode #4.
I'm not sure about the bisexual part, but I'd bet 100 Euro that we will see some heavy petting or kissing between a couple of the girls. There's not a single pair of underpants in the entire house!!!
Grandmother from San Antonio loves your comments. Put me on your list.
You need to put info about yourself on this blog! There are so many of us that are friends, of friends, of friends of yours!! Thanks for keeping us entertained!
Love the recaps, this is the third season I've been lucky enough to receive them.
sister i live for your recaps. hilar. if only you lived in nyc, we would be total friends. and yeah, you do need to write a book, all the girls who read bridgit jones would buy it...and decide what was funny with british accent is even better w/texas drawl. you are from texas right? (i'm from chicago and nobody want to hear my accent) anyways, i too cring physically at many of the antics of said bachlorettes, and have to scream things to room at large JUST BECAUSE I CANT EVEN TAKE IT. and thank my lucky stars i just got married!! whew! anyways, you rock. keep up the good work.
I'm so glad there is someone else out there that gets embarrased for these poor girls when they do stupid stuff! Your blog is great...keep it comin!
Arkansas Art Teacher
So freakin' hilarious. Take pride in knowing you are making so many people across the country laugh their asses off. I live for this each week. The "haiku" comment killed me- damn funny, girl!
My good lord you should sell tickets to these things they are so funny, and I'm not even a bachelor fan at all. Zip, zero interest in the bachelor...but you have me rushing to the site to check out the participants (I'm not sure the would 'lady' applies to any of them based on your comments...although Cole seems quaint...at least her b00bs do.
This is the first season I have been introduced to your comments and think they are awesome! I too get embarassed and scream things at the TV. Good to know I am not alone and crazy!
You should get a counter on the page and see exactly how popular you are. It would be quite the ego boost!
P.S. Does anyone else think that Sarah from Canada was about an inch away from noodling, and may have been high?
I've got a fever and the only cure is more HSD!
keep it up girl you make my Tuesday mornings worth getting up for. IT is time for todays isn't it???
FREAKIN' HILARIOUS! I started reading your recaps after receiving a link from a friend and have been telling everyone about them!! I laugh aloud while at work and people think I am crazy. Thanks for the HUMOR THERAPY Lincee, I'm loving it!
Lincee - I vote for you to do a separate blog for Grey's Anatomy. I can't imagine how hilarious that one would be. That show is absolute greatness and could only be enhanced with your wit.
Please, please, pretty please?
--A fellow Baylor girl
I just want to say I love the re-caps of the Bachelor! You know your website has gone from Alabama to Boston, MA! This is where I am from. YOUR FAMOUS!!!!!
Lincee......I think you should apply to be on the bachelor....it would be the funniest season EVER :)
LOVE THE RECAPS-KEEP IT UP!!
p.s. you're going to get so many people fired for laughing out loud!
This is the best blog ever. Love it. I agree with other's, you should write a book. You are a natural writer.
Lincee--
We've never met, but through the magic of forwarding, I've been with you from the Firestone Days. I'm so happy you've decided to go global with this thing and start your own page. It's about time the world shared in the hilarity.
Don't let this creep you out...but if you lived in my town, I think we would run around together. The laughs would be non-stop!
A true journalist welcomes constructive criticism.....Katie Couric didn't always have that wonderful bob. Tip #1: Change your name...or at least the spelling. You are not going to be taken seriously with the name Lincee. Maybe it isn't your intention to be taken seriously. But I personally know at least 5 people who refuse to read your recaps JUST because your name sounds like something Britney and K-Fed would name their offspring. Your reaction will likely be along the lines of "I don't care if they read it," or "My name sets me apart! Haven't you ever heard of Ashlee Simpson?" That's fine, but I know you really do care. Tip #2: Keep it short. All of this feedback about "Oh, Lindsey, you are soooo funny," and "I want to salsa dance with you Lindsey!" is giving you a big head, I think. The 9-paragraph speeches ahead of the actual show recap seems a little excessive to me. I suggest writing your blog and then cutting every sentence that is not absolutely side splitting. That'll keep 'em reading. Don't get me wrong, you are funny. Don't ruin it by getting carried away. Your career could start to look a lot like Kathy Griffin's.
one of the most hilarious things I have read. i worried these weren't coming anymore...what an awesome idea A BLOG!! Lincee, I hope you realize how talented you are and that these are the funniest things I have read next to Belly Laughs, by Jenny McArthy.
such a wonderful weekly treat...i've sent some of your recaps to Ellen and to Oprah...but haven't heard anything back...i did give them your email address though...i think you should be on their show! margaret.
I've been a big fan of the recap emails from the first received. They are the reasons why we kept watching during the dark season. The blog is heaven sent. I just hope you know what you've gotten yourself into... :)
Your recaps are priceless! I can't wait to read them! While watching the spisode I wonder what you are going to write about -
Keep up the good work!
Can't wait to read your recap tomorrow!
Can't wait to read your recap tommorrow!
i'm sure i'm not alone in saying i'm on pins and needles waiting for the latest installment! it's like a drug. i need it!!!! where can i get it?!?!?!?!?!
I was introduced to your recaps during your first season. Several of us at work have vowed to watch each new season "only if Lincee writes her recaps". Guess you can tell you have a loyal following!
I'm new to the Bachelor...what do people mean when they say "the dark season"? Which Bachelor was that?
As always Lincee....love the recap!
word is that Sarah from Tenessee wins- heard it on the radio this morning that they've been seen together in Nashville!!!
So for this show they did an open call here in Orange County...and I totally tried out. But... (and not to my surprise) ABC got me too drunk that by the time I was in front of the casting team I was dropping the f bombs left and right. Yeah... so as you can guess I didn't make the show... so how the hell did red make it. Geez...
So for this show they did an open call here in Orange County...and I totally tried out. But... (and not to my surprise) ABC got me too drunk that by the time I was in front of the casting team I was dropping the f bombs left and right. Yeah... so as you can guess I didn't make the show... so how the hell did red make it. Geez...
So for this show they did an open call here in Orange County...and I totally tried out. But... (and not to my surprise) ABC got me too drunk that by the time I was in front of the casting team I was dropping the f bombs left and right. Yeah... so as you can guess I didn't make the show... so how the hell did red make it. Geez...
I've been a fan of your writing since the beginning. You have a great way with words and I truly enjoy reading your Bachelor/Bachelorette recaps. I'm so glad you were able to get this site up and running. When you e-mailed the re-caps to me I had a growing list of interested readers to forward the message to. Keep it up.
You had me giggling like a school girl!! Keep 'em coming.....
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