So there I was on Continental flight 822 from Colombia. We had just landed and I, under strict orders from those in my immediate family, called to say I was back in Houston the minute the plane touched the runway. My Mom and sister Jamie are both teachers, so I left voice messages for them. My Dad, who never answers his cell phone, greeted me with a booming, “HOLA!” when I dialed his number.
Lincee: “Hey Daddy. I’m back!”
Daddy: “Did you call your mother?”
Lincee: “Yes. Left a voice message.”
Daddy: “Good. She wants to hear from you. Apparently there was a meltdown.”
Lincee: (shocked) “What? Who had a meltdown? Is everything okay?”
Daddy: “I don’t know…I don’t watch that show.”
Lincee: “Show?”
Daddy: “Yeah. Your show. Some girl freaked out and it’s all everybody is talking about on your recap. Oh…and Marie Osmond fainted on that other show that comes on before The Bachelor.”
It’s good to be home people.
SIMPLE DISCLAIMER
The following information you are about to read is of personal opinion. You probably aren’t even reading this because the simple disclaimer has been a part of my recap since the days I emailed this puppy to just a few of my closer friends. HA! Fooled you. You’ve skipped this witty banter and will not know what in the world your friends are talking about when they say, “Did you like the new disclaimer Lincee did?” However, if you or someone on your Facebook page happens to personally know, sort of know, know the brother/cousin of, thought you saw in the grocery store buying spaghetti O’s or have a Pilates instructor that looks exactly like one of the Bachelorettes on the show...none of this is personal and I'm sure they are all lovely people.
I was in my Bogotá hotel room, trying miserably to convince myself that the mattress I was laying on was NOT made of pure concrete, when my cell phone gives a familiar ring.
Text message from friend Kristin:
“I've got to tell you your favorite host Chris is wearing a very unfortunate shirt on the Bachelor tonight."
Indeed. He looked like an 80-year-old man who had just returned from a week-long cruise in the Caribbean. Tommy Bahama gathers the girls together to explain that two will be going home and four will have opportunity to take Brad on hometown dates.
One-on-One Date
Bettina
“Join me for a romantic evening on the water.”
Crazy Hillary opens the first date box and announces Bettina’s name through gritted teeth. They rifle through the random crap that the ABC intern frantically tossed in a box to discover that Brad is taking Bettina on a gondola ride.
Kristy: “You know what you are supposed to do under bridges, don’t you?”
Bettina: “No…”
Kristy: “You are supposed to kiss him.”
Poor Kristy. Get your head in the game.
Jenni giggles, Hillary attempts to stop Kristy’s heart by using only her brain power and DDAHnna tells the camera that Bettina has the “mystery thing going on…and it’s working.”
Bradley thinks Bettina has all the potential in world to be that girl he’s looking for, but he wants to see if she can relax and be herself. She confides in him that as more time goes on, she is getting comfortable. She thanks him for his patience and tells him that she has so much faith in him. He makes it easier for her.
It is at this point that I’m uninterested in the conversation and find myself loving the fact that Brad is sitting Indian style on the blanket. Why this is attractive to me, I don’t know. I’m just bored with Bettina and wonder, as the other girls do, about her intentions. She’s off to me.
Brad takes this opportunity to ask Bettina about her past. She admits that she is not proud of the fact that she is divorced but could not go through life being unsatisfied. She wants to be completely in love.
Brad finds this endearing and tells her all he wants to do is hug her. He thinks she is “drop dead gorgeous” and so many things about her are perfect.
Cut to the gondola. I’m cracking up because I can imagine this “river” they are on is in a fancy shopping center somewhere. Sort of like the Venetian in Las Vegas. Bettina is awkward and talks about being nervous.
WHAT IN THE WORLD ARE YOUR NERVOUS ABOUT BETTINA! HAVE YOU SEEN THE FREAKISHLY HOT GUY YOU ARE SITTING NEXT TO? DID YOU NOTICE THE BRIDGE YOU JUST FLOATED UNDER?
Such a waste of a perfectly good date.
Brad is pretty good with the context clues and starts a conversation about how he wants to move things slowly and gives her kudos for trying to open up. He falls all over himself letting her know that it is okay for her to take her time and wants her to talk when she is ready.
And like a nine-year-old, she quickly gives him a peck on the cheek and shows no body language of him getting to first base.
Group date
Jenni
Hillary
DDAHnna
Kristy
“Come to my house for a pool party.”
WHOOOOO HOOOOOOOOOO!!! The scream that could be heard for miles. It didn’t dawn on me, other than the fact that she’s from Crazy Town, why Hillary was making such a huge deal about this date. We find out later that she is the only one who hasn’t seen our Bachelor without a shirt.
I guess there is reason to celebrate. I’ll erase one crazy mark by her name.
Right of the bat, we learn that Kristy is not a pool person.
AAAAAANNNNNNNNDDDDDDD there you have it. Bye, bye Kristy.
As if the footage was straight out of the MTV Spring Break Beach House, we see girls cart wheeling of the side of the pool. (Kristy sitting casually on the lounge chairs.) Girls doing cannonballs into the deep end. (Kristy dipping a perfectly manicured toe in the water to check the temperature.) Girls playing chicken with Brad. Hillary announcing to the camera that “Brad is between my legs!” (Kristy finding sanctuary under an umbrella as not to taint her alabaster skin.) And who could forget the underwater crotch shot scenes? Simply classic!
And then…there was the slip-n-slide. The Wet Banana if you will.
Does this not have ABC intern written all over it?
Why Bachelorettes? Why? Why would you fling yourself onto a skinny little piece of yellow plastic with tiny trickles of water scantily spraying the length the apparatus? We’ve all been on a slip-n-slide. They never…ever…work. Most of the time, you forget that there is GROUND underneath the devil toy and your brain somehow thinks that the Wet Banana is going to cushion your fall like a pillow. Wrong. And if you manage to get a good slide in, there are typically two outcomes: you slide a few feet and hit a dry spot that results in a raspberry burn or you are flung off the side and greeted to a mouthful of freshly cut grass that sticks to every part of your body.
I’m just saying.
Hillary flings with reckless abandonment.
DDAHnna gets a wedgie.
Jenni does flip flops down the slip-n-slide.
Kristy brushes her hair in the air conditioning.
Hillary steals some time with Brad and they chill on a big float in the deep end of the pool. Let’s listen in on their conversation:
Hill: I think you are an awesome guy.
Brad: I think you are an amazing person.
Hill: Straight up now tell me, do you really want to love me forever?
Brad: I think you are sweet and sincere and I’m so comfortable with you.
Hill: We should be lovers.
Brad: We can’t do that.
Hill: We should be lovers. And that’s a fact.
Brad to the camera: I wonder if this is just a friendship and not romance.
Hillary to camera: I can tell that we have chemistry. It makes me happy that he is comfortable with me.
It is what happens next that we can for sure, 100%, without a doubt, unmistakably confirm that our gal Hillary is officially off her rocker. Remember, she’s just told the ABC psychotherapist that the chemistry between she and Brad is palpable. She can feel it in the air.
She then goes into pretty graphic detail of all the other things she’d like to feel.
Hillary: I would let Brad ravish me any time. I would want him to BEEP my BEEP and then I would BEEP while he BEEP on the BEEP. After we BEEP, I would show him my BEEP and BEEP with a BEEP so we could BEEP on the BEEP for BEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEP. I’m trying to think of something G-Rated to say.
Not needed Hillary. We get the picture. Literally.
Unfortunately for him, Brad was not around to hear that Hill was going to BEEP his BEEP the first chance she got. He had taken DDAHnna over to some random chairs out by the pool. They sit awkwardly and talk about how they think about each other. It was obvious to the viewing audience that Brad wanted to at least kiss DDAH, but he chickens out after sneaking a look behind his shoulder to find Jenni practicing her toe touching, Kristy balancing a book on her head and Hillary waving to him like a complete fool.
On the other hand, my boy takes Jenni to a secluded hammock to make out for 15 minutes. Interesting.
One-on-One Date
Sheena
“Treasures await you.”
Brad tells the camera that spending time with Sheena is important because his brother thinks she is the bomb. He picks her up in some flip flops and jeans and tells her that there will be surprises all night long.
Surprise 1
Six gowns from which to choose. Sheena says she’s drawn to the white one, but will wait to wear that later. Wink, wink! (Blech.) Brad sends her up the stairs to try one on and is chomping at the bit to see her in the dress. You see reader, Brad is a romantic person. He loves the fairy tale ending. He sees her coming down the stairs and can’t wait to embrace her with his loving…
Surprise 2
BOOM, BOOM, BOOM, BOOM…
Sheena bites the dust. Brad laughs…in a polite way. Lincee watched it six times.
Surprise 3
Sheena limps onto the veranda full of white balloons. They hug and sway. It’s like walking on clouds.
Surprise 4
He gives her a pair of diamond earrings before dinner because he just can’t wait. He loves surprises. And I love him, but that’s neither here nor there. Brad asks why Sheena is still single. She says it’s because she is picky. Brad starts talking about Chad again. Red flag. He then tells the camera that she is solid, beautiful and would make an amazing wife.
Surprise 5
Small orchestra is around the corner by the pool, playing soft music.
Brad: Would you care to dance?
Sheena: I would love to. You are a great dancer.
Brad: You are a beautiful woman. I love how you always smile.
Sheena: How could I not.
Perfect kiss.
Back at the Bachelorette pad, Jenni and Bettina are up waiting for Sheena to get back from her date. She flaunts the earrings and goes into long-winded detail of each surprise. Bettina said compared to Sheena, her date sucked and announces she is going to bed.
BEST TEASER OF THE NIGHT:
“Up next…the most shocking rose ceremony ever…when Hillary loses her mind.”
I heart our host Chris Harrison. Even with his Tommy Bahamas shirt.
I hit the FF button on my DVR and notice there is TONS of time remaining. Twenty-four minutes left for the infamous meltdown! Sweetness!
Hotter than crap Brad tells the camera:
“For lack of a better word, I’m kind of freaking out tonight.”
Don’t you just love that?
Anyway…
I’m sure he’s freaking out. He’s worried that Hill is going to boil his bunny. He decides to take a moment with all the candidates to make it look like he’s having a hard time making a decision.
Alone time with Kristy:
Oops. Ended up on the cutting room floor. Too boring.
Alone time with Sheena:
Bless her heart Sheena. She wrote a poem. And this is not made up. It’s word-for-word what she actually said to hotter than crap Bachelor Brad.
I love your laugh, your smile your touch
The moles that run up your arm
The patch of blond hair on your ears
Your goals and most of all your charm
She wrote a poem about his moles. His moles. How Brad did not laugh at that second line is beyond me. Sheena, Sheena, Sheena. At least call them freckles. Mole is so gross. And the patch of hair on his ear? Why is this the SECOND time we are hearing about this patch of hair? And correct me if I’m wrong, but isn’t that sort of an insult? Who wants to hear that they have hair growing out of their ears?
I bet you didn’t know that he wrote her a poem too did you?
I love your face, your teeth your grin
The long hair that grows on your chin
That gunk that gets caught in your eyes
Those little dimples on your thighs
Alone time with DDAHnna:
Brad: You look beautiful.
DDAH: My butt looks good too.
Brad: Don’t get me started on your butt.
Lincee: Well played my friend.
Brad asks DDAH if her feelings are real. She talks about not wanting to get hurt and how her heart pounds when she sees him. But she embraces this feeling. They talk about their one-on-one time and she reminds him that she is not going to kiss with other girls around. Brad points out that there are no girls around at that moment and they kiss. Well played AGAIN my friend.
Back inside, Jenni confronts Bettina about something that has been bothering her.
Jenn: You said last night that you weren’t happy with your date.
Bett: You mean when I said mine sucked?
Jenn: blank stare
Bett: I was joking. I meant it sucked in a good way. You misunderstood.
Alone time with Bettina:
Brad: Don’t you think our date was perfect?
Bett: I think so also. I felt relaxed and comfortable. I know I’m not comfortable being intimate…I know it will be fabulous one day…but by the end of date I wanted your hands on me. This is deeper than anything I’ve ever felt.
Brad: That sucks. But in a good way.
Bett: You totally get me.
Before his alone time with Hillary, Brad reminds the camera that he sort of tried to give Hillary clues that he is just not that in to her. He admits that she didn’t get it and he needs to be honest with her during this time.
Brad: I feel so comfortable with you.
Hill: It’s good to be total BFFs.
Brad: That’s nice, but I’m afraid that we need to be more than that and I just don’t see us going there. That’s what is so confusing. Do you follow me?
Hill: Absolutely.
Brad: (looking shocked) How you holding up? You okay?
Hill: Yes. We have chemistry and I want you to be my lover, husband and BEEP until we BEEP the BEEP.
Brad motions for the ABC intern and tells him to have the psychotherapist on hand. This is not going to go well at all.
After handing roses to DDAHnna, Jenni, Sheena and Bettina, the camera gets a close shot of Jenni rubbing Hillary’s back as she rolls her eyes as far back in her head as they can go.
All the girls hug like they are old friends. Kristy bows out gracefully of course. We never hear from her again. Hillary makes the lone walk up to Brad and embraces him in a huge death grip…eyes closes…unwilling to let go.
After much prying, the intern and psychotherapist lead her to the courtyard. The tears are flowing wilding now. She wipes the running mascara on her white dress. She leans over and begins to hyperventilate. WE NEED A BROWN PAPER BAG! CAN WE GET A BROWN PAPER BAG!?!
Our Host Chris Harrison comes to the rescue with a brown paper bag and secretly giggles to himself, so happy that Lincee will have some good writing material this season.
Back inside, we find Brad pacing in front of the four remaining girls. He’s snapping his fingers. He’s pacing. He’s snapping. ABC intern gives everyone toasting champagne and Brad hands his over to Sheena. He must go outside and tend to Hillary. After all, they are BFF and he’s concerned.
He approaches the raccoon faced girl, snot pouring out of her nose, curls falling listlessly out of their Quinceañera bun and tells her to “come here to me.”
Hillary: I (gasp) don’t understand. Why are you BEEP sending me home?
Brad: I’m scared to take a step as big as meeting your family when we are too good friends.
Hillary: It sucks (sniff) and I’m falling for you (gasp) and I’m going home without you in my BEEP arms. I wanted you to meet family. I wanted you to (snort) shake my Dad’s hand. BEEP! I can’t force (gasp) you to feel something.
Brad: I think you are one in a million.
I would agree with that Brad.
Poor Hillary is upset that she is going to be known as “the friend” on the show. Yes Hillary. That’s what we are all thinking right now. You will be remembered as “the friend” from the Hotter than Crap Brad season.
So here’s to the most dramatic exit in Bachelor history, to meeting the families next week and to more footage of the Bachelorettes jumping naked in the pool! (Did everyone see that at the end?)
All about the shame, not the fame,
Lincee
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143 comments:
When Hill was initially having her meltdown, did anyone notice the ABC intern running across the screen in the background? I'm sure he was going to tell Brad he's got to see this!
Oh my gosh!! what an evening that was...Glad you are back from Bogota and most of all glad for your great recap! You ROCK!!!
Is Hillary watching this show, like the rest of us, and saying to herself, "Wow, I'm kind of a nutjob... how did I not see that coming?"
Steve to Carrie..."This is just good TV, that's all this is." Carrie smiles. Steve melts.
Best recap yet. The Paula Abdul reference was HYSTERICAL - I was laughing so hard, tears came to my eyes.
Why was Kristy even in the top 6..I never understood that...but at least she left with dignity..unlike BFF Hill...And by the way why would she think that BFF=Lover. Poor thing it was like watching a train wreck!
Yes! I totally saw the intern running through the background too. Recap is the funniest one this season, your "poem from Brad" is classic!
The intern running in the background was the highlight of the show for me. As was the poem. Magical.
I love the BEEP the BEEP BEEP!
After suffering through Andy Baldwin, I am not watching this season but reading your recaps instead. This one was really funny! Thanks!
Cathy 1:25PM...what Paula Abdul reference? Seriously, Lincee...one of your best. Where is our host Chris??
Paula Abdul reference:
Hillary steals some time with Brad and they chill on a big float in the deep end of the pool. Let’s listen in on their conversation:
Hill: I think you are an awesome guy.
Brad: I think you are an amazing person.
Hill: Straight up now tell me, do you really want to love me forever?
Brad: I think you are sweet and sincere and I’m so comfortable with you.
Hill: We should be lovers.
Brad: We can’t do that.
Hill: We should be lovers. And that’s a fact.
Lincee-you absolutely out did yourself. Hilarious...totally worth the wait. Thanks
This is my favorite blog of the season - BRAVO! I needed this laugh after the day I've had .....
p.s. What was up with Hill's eyeshadow?
I think the best line from Brad was, "How can you tell someone how you feel when they don't listen to a word you're saying?" when talking about crazy Hillary, who, by the way, couldn't breathe because her dress was so tight and her boobs were suffocating her!
I have been waiting for a "bless her heart" this whole season-THANKS for that Lincee! And YES, I did see the girls jumping naked at the end AND I read your disclaimer-LOVE your cynical mind! Colombia OR BUST girl! LMAO
OMG....another hilarious recap lincee! You never let me down! So glad to see you commenting on "the one in a million" comment. I chuckled when he said that! ;)
did anyone see how hillary's dress was so tight that it was coming unzipped in the back? it was just painful to watch!
Did anyone see that CRAZY Hilary's dress wasn't even zipped all the way? And YES, boobs were suffocating her even such...man, oh, man...she worked pretty hard on that look. Eyeshadow and all.
Lincee, what happened to your "slight mishap" at the airport you were going to tell us about?
Somehow the comment right above mine beat me to "PUBLISH"...RIGHT ON!! =P
ok lincee - the boil the bunny part - classic.
you rock my world! :)
Dear Hillary,
You couldn't catch your breath because your 1998 prom dress was too tight. It didn't even zip all the way up in the back. I think it is time for another trip to Cache!
Linceee, did you see him picking his toes on the lounge with DDAHnna? I thought for sure it would make your recap! I guess this episode was too jam-packed with other GREAT material.
Best recap ever!
The best one you've ever written. Please know how much we enjoy these recaps!! You have put me in tears. I couldn't quite admit to my boss why I am sobbing here at my desk.
Amen on the slip and slide...what a horrible thing that is. It is a ticket to a sore tush.
what the hill seriously?
i am pretty sure she was hyperventilating because her dress WAS SUCKING THE LIFE AIR OUT OF HER. when two boobs becomes four boobs, it's time to put on a different dress.
Lincee:
Hilarious recap! I was laughing so hard at the BEEPs and the poem for Sheena that I couldn't breathe and nearly did a Marie Osmond pass-out move.
By the way, my husband has moles on his arm and hair on his ears, but somehow, he just doesn't look like Brad. Bless his heart.
Thanks for doing this for us to read and enjoy!
OMG - I snorted when I read Brad's poem! LMAO!!!!
Absolutely hilarious recap! Brad's poem was priceless. Did anyone notice how Hilary was talking about how she wanted Brad to shake hands with her father. Hmm... I bet she's glad that didn't happen after she BEEP BEEP BEEP about him bending her over and BEEPING her from behind! WHAT! Who says that on ABC... It is supposed to be family television! I'm kinda sad that lunatic is gone... she was entertaining.
That was SOOOOO a Quinceneara bun!!! HAHA! Also, kudos on the Moulin Rouge Elephant Love Medley reference. It gave me the giggleses.
Hilarious post today! Thanks!
Favorite quote of this season--and maybe any season: "Coming up: the most dramatic rose ceremony, where Hillary. Loses. Her. Mind." Thank you, Our Host Chris Harrison!
Also, after multiple DVR rewinds, I believe Hillary said something to the effect of "I want him to bend me over and smack my ass." And she wonders why he didn't want to take her home to mama...
Best recap EVER! I'm at work laughing out loud in my little hall cubicle, trying not to attract too much attention...
Definitely the best recap of the year! Bravo Lincee!!
I have been a loyal fan since the days of the e-mail recaps, and I have to say this was THE BEST recap yet! I LOL at the "boil his bunny" comment, and the poem from Brad to Sheena had tears rolling down my face. Thank you for what you do. My co-workers think I've lost my mind!
What a great episode...and an even better recap!
I'm still trying to understand how Hillary didn't see her cut coming after all the times Hotter than Crap Brad said the word "friend" to her.
Can anyone believe we had TWO wedding dress references in this show? Once from Sheena, then Hillary hoped her white dress would remind Brad of her being in a wedding dress. YIKES, LADIES!
By the way Lincee, I too, bought those little breast cancer peppermint patties. They're so wonderful...
I almost choked on my popcorn when Chris came out in that shirt and I knew you would have something to say about it! Bad choice Chris!
Can't wait for the fight with Bettina. That's gonna rock.
love brad's poem back to sheena. well done. :) and i too love the paula abdul reference...you truly are a genius my friend.
change of subject -- but what happened with Byron and Mary? I don't see anything written on the net?
best. recap. ever.
Thanks Lincee! You were missed! But it was certainly worth the wait!
Long time reader. First time poster. Has anyone else heard the rumors about Brad's daughter?
There is just nothing funnier than a Bachelor Recap from Lincee. I too have been a fan since the email days. . this one takes the cake! The moles, the rebuttal poem, the slip 'n slide, the moulin rouge / paula abdul reference; you are GENIOUS my friend!! Glad you are home safely! By the way. . Brad was on an Austin radio station Monday morning saying that someone's family was mean to him. He said that he could have been the President of the United States, and they would have been mean to him. From the previous, it's safe to say it's Miss Betina's family! Can't wait to see the aftermath of that family visit!
I am obviously NOT a genious, in that I can't even spell the word! I meant Genius!! Sorry guys!! Don't beat me up!! ;)
between the slip and slide (you are so right about the grass sticking), the boiled bunny, the BEEPing, Hill "Losing her Mind", and the Quincenera bun (that really got me!) today's recap has been a delight! all i can say about Hill is that there is way more going on than a rejection by Brad. Glad you are back safely at home.
lincee!! your blog is so funny and always makes my tuesday (this time wednesday). my friends and I love to guess what we think will be worthy of the recap, but this show there was just too much going on! I got so excited when I scrolled all the way down the recap and saw how long it was this time!! keep up the good work, you're awesome!
Can someone please confirm? What are the remaining episodes? Is it four hometown dates, three fantasy dates, two girls meet Brad's family, then the Finale? Is there a Ladies Tell All episode scheduled?
Thanks!
Lincee, as usual you made my day. The "boil the bunny" comment almost made me spit out my gum. And refering to him as Hotter than crap Brad is priceless. I thought I was going to lose it when Our Host Chris announced going into commercial the most dramatic rose ceremony ever! Where Hillary loses..her..mind. That was classic. I had to rewind. What a nutjob that one. Get a freaking clue. Poor Hotter than Crap Brad. I felt so sorry for him.
lfc..2:32...you made me cry with your reference about 2 boobs becoming 4 - that was priceless!
This blog makes my week. I love Lincee and everyone that posts. I am addicted and check the comments constantly. You guys rock.
The running intern in the background was SO obvious, I'm glad I was not the only one who noticed it. Also glad that I'm not alone in thinking some of the poem comments weren't exactly nice. Its kind of hard to like any of the girls left this season. I think Katie Couric may be my fave. Love the recaps! Missed the show on Monday, couldn't watch until Tuesday and was more bummed I was missing the recap then anything!
What about Brad's comment that DeAnna is one of the strongest women he's known?
Not sure what that says about Brad's choice in women.
Hillary mentioned that she liked her dress for the rose ceremony. That it reminded her of a wedding dress and she hoped it would remind Brad of a wedding dress too. No Hillary. A white satin prom dress with a black lace cummerbund reminds no one of a wedding dress. It might remind someone of their prom though...if it was circa 1992. Bless her heart.
Lincee, great post! What a fabulous episode for all of us to enjoy.
LAist had a post about what was bleeped - http://laist.com/2007/10/23/the_bachelors_h.php
And Sheena, why is she still single? Isn't she, like, 23?
(P.S. I only started watching The Bachelor a few years ago because friends forwarded your recaps. Thanks for the good times!)
I love the recap because it makes the show so much better to sit and watch knowing that you will have incredible material to work with...Chris Harrison's shirt, Hill's meltdown, Sheena's poem.
Gold, pure gold.
And you didn't disappoint. It was worth the wait.
Ok, so here I am at work, breathlessly waiting for Lincee's recap, and of course she doesn't disappoint -- in fact, probably her best yet -- and I'm choking from laughing too hard. Had to put my head on my desk to stifle the noise and not get caught. However, I soon thereafter mosey into THE BOSS'S office and what do I catch him doing? Typing in a comment HERE, anonymously, I think. So there you go, I now have carte blanche to read Lincee at will, laugh hysterically, and the old boy can't do a thing about it! Life is sweet!
reader from the email days...Just got a chance to check on the recap this afternoon and was it worth it! I have laryngitis right now so my laugh makes no sound except when I snorted trying to breathe. Couple that with trying to hold my eyes open wider so that the tears of laughter would dry faster so I could keep reading after the "hairs on her chin and the gunk in her eyes" and I sure am glad I have a private office...somone would have started the Heimlich. loved the Paula Abdul ref but now that song is stuck in my head --OH,OH, OH ---talk about HTC Brad being caught in a hit and run. you simply rock...i'm just saying.
your dad sounds like a trip, too. glad your back home in Tejas
Paula Abdul, "Moulin Rouge" references, Quincenera comment -- priceless! i'll agree. Best recap ever!
Did anyone else notice the freakish "Under the Sea" high-school prom quality of the date with Sheena? Apparently the ABC intern has fond memories of his prom ...
Glad someone else noted the prom like atmosphere of Sheena's date. She is young and impressionable but would make a lovely trophy wife if she could only control her spasmodic and awkwardly forced smile...
This was an awesome recap! I must say that I noticed the strange shirt that host Christ had on. YOU MADE ME LAUGH ALL THE WAY TO THE END! GLAD YOU ARE HOME!
SORRY, CHRIST. I MEANT CHRIS!
I just got back from three days at a conference...and the first thing i did, of course, was watch the bachelor. then, of course, immediately read your blog. It's the highlight of my week. Yes, my life is apparently that sad.
My favorite part was when you were describing hillary's hair as falling out of her quincineara bun. i would give about anything to watch an episode with you.
thanks for the entertainment! :)
Ann 5:26 - hilarious!
you need to join the blogher network...just recently learned all about it. while they taught us about it, i couldn't help but think of my favorite female blogger!
Lincee, I've been reading since the email days too... and I live in Alabama! I think I look forward to your recaps as much as I do the show because I laugh just as hard reading your recaps. Thanks for the entertainment!
You are amazingly funny! Thanks for the shout out about Chris' shirt!! That was my first comment when the episode started!! Surely, Lincee will comment on that!!
You did not disappoint. I love everyone's descriptions of reading the recap...spit out my coffee, crying, laughing...it's just too good.
I'm pulling for Jenni Couric.
Did anyone see this??
http://youtube.com/watch?v=4zpQJxlyvDg
This is Sarah Welch from the Charlie season of The Bachelor. I guess she is modeling now and took quite a nasty fall. I have to say I laughed a bit.
She was a blond on the show. Here is a picture of her.
http://www.realitytvmagazine.com/blog/2005/05/sarah_welch_eli.html
I am so shocked you did not comment on Brad picking at his toenails while on the blanket at the pool party date. It was the first time I noticed a flaw in the otherwise "sexiest bachelor" in history. He's still a hottie...toe jam and all.
What's this about him having a daughter?
great post lincee- wardrobe intern is getting a little metrosexual!
as always, hilarious.
one question: is anyone else horrified or at all concerned (especially if you live in Pennsylvania) that Hillary is a medical professional???? i hope she receives help soon.
I'm running back and forth between Dirty, Sexy, Money and this. Lincee, you were on girl! I must agree with everyone. The poem was the best, you were inspired. I mean, really, who writes a poem about moles & ear hair? It was so sick. I mean who writes a poem to someone they've know for like two weeks, and reads it on national tv? How did Brad keep a straight face? He must of wanted it to share with his twin, and friends so they can laugh hysterically. Has anyone noticed his hands. They are so sexy! And all the pacing he did and hand wringing when Hillary was gasping for breath from her corset. I was mesmerized. Damn they're nice hands. I haven't seen a good pair like that in a long time. I live in Dallas, I'm almost tempted to drive to Austin, just so I can glimpse them in person. I don't think my husband would mind too much.
Shout out to ABC! Thank you for finally picking a decent bachelor. I love how transparent he is. His honesty is so fantastic. Brad and Doctor Travis the only two bachelors I have ever liked. Thank you ABC, for having taste again. Now please bring back the bachelorette and invite Lincee to the Women Tell All. There better be a Women Tell All.
Anon 9:41, I know, I'm curious too about the Hillary nurse thing. I wonder how many hundreds of hot guy patients she's fallen in love with and gone psycho on. She needs to take a little holiday, or drink a little bit more red wine every night. Or perhaps some accupuncture, anything to settle her nerves.
MAN LINCEE~ That was laugh out loud G.O.O.D.!!!! - You got some talent girl...that was a good one, hope the season just gets better! Thanks!
okay...colombia did you some good girl. i was laughing out loud! the description of the girls watching DD and him trying to kiss. was so funny. jenni, doing toe-touches ....HA! and brad's poem had me rolling. not to mention the BEEP montage. oh my gosh! thanks for making my night. best recap this season, so far! :D
Lincee, girl, that was rolling on the floor, smack my momma good. I don't know what you did in Colombia, but you need to do some more of it. That recap was awesome! Hilarious! It could not have been better.
So, umm, what was this little incident at the airport?
Well, I absolutely loved your recap. My husband was sleeping and I was reading and laughing so hard that I woke him up!
Your recaps are worth waiting for!
I KNEW you would say something about Chris's shirt! I'm so proud that I pegged that. I have to tell you though: Tommy Bahama does NOT make hideous shirts like that! :) I forgive you though, Lincee.
Does anyone else think Sheena is just not attractive at all? I know the attraction is supposed to go deeper than that, but geez! She is just *not* pretty. I think Brad had Jenni pegged from Night One and just decided to keep the other girls at random to make things interesting.
Aloha from Kauai!
Brad's poem to Hillary:
Roses are red
Violets are blue
I think of you as a "friend"
so get a BLEEPing clue
Thanks for another awesome recap. Looking forward to next week!
Best Blog Ever Lincee!! I was falling out of my chair laughing! Your slip and slide recap was too much.
Someone must have told Hillary her dress looked good. Or maybe they said it was tight and she misunderstood that as good, since she doesn't ever really listen to what anyone is saying. (Hey, I was impressed she could even breath in that dress).
I am stumped as to where this is going this season... and I'm not really cheering anyone on at this point (minus Bettina-I hope the family date does her in).
Thanks again for the great laughs!
Love love! your blogs Lincee!
Yep! Definately noticed the running intern (Gee I wonder where he's going). Was anyone else disappointed in "the meltdown" that they hyped up? I was pretty bummed.. I was expecting more.. hmmm.. all well. It was so obvious who was going home from the get-go. I'm thinking I don't like Bettina so much anymore-little too wierd for me.
Can't wait to see the Bettina home visit!!
go to "dig.com/television/The_Bachelor_its_rumored_that_Brad_Womack_has_a_2yr_old_daughter" OR just google Brad Womack's daughter
Great post, Lincee! Here's the thing, I think that this is by far the nicest bachelor that they have ever had. He seems very genuine (never mind hotter than crap). But the women! Ugh. There is not ONE of them that I can even root for! Where are they getting the women?
You never disappoint Lincee..."Quinceañera bun" - CLASSIC!
I must say I love HTC Brad's kissing techniques...sooooo much better than the ackwardness that we're used to from the bachelors!
I loved this recap so much that I had to view Hill's leaving for myself. It was the first time in three seasons I've actually seen footage of The Bachelor! I only read your recaps, so I know all about the bachelors and the ladies, even though I don't watch the episodes at all. You're the best! Keep up the great work!
Lincee - that was hysterical! I agree with everyone...your best recap yet! My favorite part was the "boil his bunny"...I still die laughing over that!
When are you getting a book deal or your own column in a newspaper?? something b/c you are SO talented!
I am curious as to YOUR OPINION and anyone else who reads this..do you think that Bettina will be F1 and Fleiss would leave in the comment she made about her date being "boring" and it "sucked"...I really think thats a first in bachelor history..
12:08 -- The previews make it appear as if Bett's family gives HTC Brad a pretty hard time for being a bar owner. I'm not sure there is a sufficient love connection between them for him to give her a rose next week, so IMO she's not going to the F2. But, if she's does, I'd like to have been a fly on the wall when Brad saw that comment on TV!
I think we all should give poor Hillary a break - we've been deceived before by the edits ABC does and I'm sure they totally hyped the dramatics and tears up. I've been reading around and it seems as though the producers will do and say anything to get the girls to cry and sob after the rose ceremony. We all saw Hillary roll her eyes back and fight back tears when he didn't pick her and it was obvious she was upset but for the most part she held it together. I think it was just some evil producer trying to ante up ratings. I think getting a houseful of women together wreaks havoc on hormones so its no wonder there are tears.
As for anon 2:42am: beauty is in the eye of the beholder and you are just being mean by saying Sheena is not attractive. I think she's beautiful. Not my choice for final two but beautiful nonetheless.
I had my faced buried in my pillow, saying 'no no no' when Hillery had the one-on-one time wiht Brad and said he could be her "lover". That was obviously pretty uncomfortable for Brad.
I'm sorry...that is just such a corny word to say to someone!!! It's just so....weird to say that to someone seriously. I'm 30, in a 5-year relationship, and still could not call my sweetie my "lover" with a straight face!!!
Just too much of a grown-up word for me!!! lol
Love it; love the recap. What an awesome episode...Shenna falling was hysterical! Hillary's meltdown cracked me up...she is definitely a nut job!
Lincee, you rock my socks! Thank you for representin' as usual. So funny, yet so wrong!!!
Can't wait til next week for more girl drama and meeting wacky families that put the FUNC in dysfunctional! Let's not lie ladies, what we're all looking forward to is some "Hot as Crap Brad!!!"
So, I live in Colorado and am going through the paper right now. There is an ad for Dillard's department store -- a man and a woman decked out in World Series gear (GO ROCKIES!!!) and I am 99% positive that the girl is Jenni. I went to the Dillard's Website, but they had nothing online, except for little baseball Robeez, which I promptly ordered for my 10-month-old. I digress. So, if there are any other Coloradoans out there, check out page 9 of the Oct. 23 edition of the Rocky (yes, way behind on my papers) and see if you agree that Jenni is our shirt model.
I agree with whomever said that Brad is the best bachelor and the girls are the worst crop. I usually find one or two who I really like, but that is not the case this season. I want to like Jenni, but something about her bugs me, besides her dumb headbands. I like Sheena OK, but I don't see the two of them together -- same with DD. I just feel like this couple will not be one that I will cheer on. I won't wish their demise, but I just don't really care.
I posted this on Kate's blog (from last season) too, but thought it appropriate here as well.
All this inside info makes me wonder if Hillary's "bleeping" was all said in jest and after she said it all she cracked up laughing and said something like "try and put that on national tv!" thinking that her joke would end up on the cutting room floor. Instead it was included with bleeps and minus the explanation afterwards, making her look psycho, and slutty.....
Hillary's interview with Buddytv
http://www.buddytv.com/articles/the-bachelor/the-bachelor-hillary-talks-tea-13002.aspx
Thanks for another great week!
I'm surprised you didn't mention the Brad/dAHNa on the lounge chairs doing the poke each other with their elbows thing -- I want to kiss you --poke poke -- you know what I mean -- poke poke - wasn't that about junior highish??
And the I want to bleep your bleep and then you bleep my bleep - I kept wondering - woman, don't you realize you are saying this on national TV? Hil had one of the worst potty mouths during the whole show and I'm glad she's gone.
I think Sheena is probably very sweet and nice and is fairly good looking UNTIL she smiles, then something just happens to her face that doesn't work for me. Bless her heart.
I'm about 99% sure Sheena goes home next week because I've seen on another site pictures of her in the back of the limo, crying her eyes out. Guess it was a difficult choice between her mom "I know she's the one. She may be your one or someone else's one, but she's the one. LET'S GO BUY THE RINGS!" or the whole exchange with Betts parents. ooooo - own a bar = bad guy. Beware you parents of young girls!!! :) It's going to be great viewing next week!!
OHHHHHH My goodness, amazing episode this week. What a post. I laughed and laughed. I honestly watch the show thinking, oh lincee is going to have a hay day with that. So glad you're hosting the FBC Christmas Bash with Jilly. It should be fun. This post is a classic.
FAN-FRIGGIN-TASTIC!!!
This made me laugh,laugh, laugh...and then cough, cough, cough - cuz I'm in Orange County (So Cal) and being choked by smoke.
Thanks for giving me something else to think about this week besides the flames a few miles from my home. I needed it!!
There is going to be a women's tell all according to ABC's website! It is going to be taped on November 2nd! Are you going to go Lincee?
What a riot!!
Love the Paula Abdul and Moulin Rouge references.
When Sheena said the word "moles" in her poem I COULD NOT BELIEVE it. What love poem has the word MOLES in it??? I think Brad must have asked to keep it so he can pull it out later for a good laugh.
Can someone please tell Jenni to ditch the headband!?!
Oh Lincee, so good...SOOOOO GOOD!!! You are amazing my dear friend, truly amazing.
And my fellow blog commenters, you are all wonderful as well, your comments crack me up almost as much as Lincee!! :)
I don't have much to add, everyone else has pretty much mentioned everything.
Looking forward to Bettina's hometown date, now THAT should be interesting.
Much love to Lincee and the gang! :)
You must be the most popular person in your office. Is the water cooler talk out of control there? Do you schedule meetings in Outlook and book a projector so you can show your friends at work your posting before the rest of the world sees it? Does your boss realize what a genius you are? Who else would EVER think of calling it a "Quinceañera bun?" You rock.
Straight up now tell me that was the funniest post I've read in a while. But I do have to say, that ABC overhyped the whole Hillary thing. I can think of some more dramatic exits than that (i.e. My eggs are rotting Dr. Ali G. or Shannon on Season 1), but I'll forgive ABC for the fake hype since Lincee's recap was the BEST!
**RANDOM THOUGHT ALERT** Have I really been watching the Bachelor so long that I can pull a reference from season 1? Wow, I need some excitement in my life.
hilarious post anon 12:00 am!
Lincee,
HILARIOUS post. Thanks girl. love your wit. Jenna in NC
Bettina had so many great things to say in this last episode, so I will forgive you leaving out her little conversation with Sheena:
Sheena: What am I supposed to wear?
Bettina: Well, CLOTHES obviously.
She's a smart one.
anon 12:30...I'm pretty sure Bettina said "gloves"...you know...cause of the white gloves she was trying on from the date box...
she did say gloves...
Apparently this is part of the contract that the girls have to sign to be on the show....
Fact or fiction...all part of reality tv!
Here is one section from the 21 page contract that each girl signed about mid-way through the casting process:
"I understand that, in and in connection with the Series, I may reveal and/or relate, and other parties (including, without limitation, other Participants, Producer and the host of the Series), may reveal and/or relate information about me of a personal, private, intimate, surprising, defamatory, disparaging, embarrassing or unfavorable nature, that may be factual and/or fictional. I further understand that my appearance, depiction and/or portrayal in the Series and my actions and the actions of others displayed in the Series, may be disparaging, defamatory, embarrassing or of an otherwise unfavorable nature and may expose me to public ridicule, humiliation or condemnation. I acknowledge and agree that Producer shall have the right (a) to include any such information and any such appearance, depiction, portrayal, actions, and statements in the Series as edited by Producer in its sole discretion, and (b) to broadcast and otherwise exploit the Series containing any such information and any such appearance, depiction, portrayal or actions. THE WAIVERS, RELEASE AND INDEMNITIES IN THIS AGREEMENT EXPRESSLY APPLY TO ANY SUCH INCLUSION AND EXPLOITATION."
I think Sheena's poem should have included something about her weird smile...it's quite frightening.
Lincee-
Just got back from Mexico where I got to watch Season Century Silver's Women Tell All episode. Remember blonde crazy Christy from that one?? And GI Jayde?? :) Wow.
Longtime reader from the email days.... seriously could be your best work ever. I was rolling! I kept thinking I should give you kudos for this and that as I read, but they would be neverending! Fabulous stuff. HTC Brad just needs to come to Houston, don't ya think?? :)
Have you heard back from Host Chris since before the show? And I must say that I am on board with your book deal... consider me a buyer when the time comes!
-JB in Houston
Lincee-
Just got back from Mexico where I got to watch Season Century Silver's Women Tell All episode. Remember blonde crazy Christy from that one?? And GI Jayde?? :) Wow.
Longtime reader from the email days.... seriously could be your best work ever. I was rolling! I kept thinking I should give you kudos for this and that as I read, but they would be neverending! Fabulous stuff. HTC Brad just needs to come to Houston, don't ya think?? :)
Have you heard back from Host Chris since before the show? And I must say that I am on board with your book deal... consider me a buyer when the time comes!
-JB in Houston
Sorry that just posted twice for some reason...
I usually don't like pre-posters, but...
Did I just hear the phrase "Uncle Poo-tart"??
I can't believe he gave a rose to Bettina. Please she is such a stuck up snob. Sheena was so sweet, ok so the mother was a wack job. At least the mother did not say "That's disappointing." Anywho looking forward to your recaps.
Diane-NYC
Amen Anon 10:05 PM!!! I went...WHAT?!?!?!? WHAT?!?!? And didn't even see all of Sheena's home date. I was so digusted at how judgmental Bettina's family was toward him...that's why I'm so shocked he gave her a rose. And no wonder the girl thinks divorce is so bad to say or do....her first husband "she'll never find anyone better"...well obviously pops you miss the memo on where he thinks he will if they are divorced!!! Lordy!!! And then she all of sudden has to question his business b/c her family does! huh?!?!? Yeah that'll be a relationship that lasts! If that's the case how are you divorced then since your family thought the world of your first husband!?!? HELLO!!!
Looking forward to your post Lincee!!
OMG I hope this is not a spoiler but there are pics of Deanna over the weekend on the Chuggin Monkey Myspace page...
WTH? I just saw the Chuggin Monkey Myspace page too and saw pics of Deanna there - what's up with that? ABC surely wouldn't allow that right? That HAS to be a breach of contract...
regarding the myspace thing - I think the person who posted that pic just happened to run into her.. if you go to that persons (Jason) page and look at his pictures, those are the only ones.. probably just trying to get more hits on his myspace site... I wanna know about Brad's daughter - I read that as well, but they are keeping it quiet so her picture isnt splashed all over the internet (which makes sense) but when do they tell the women????
Yes pics of Deanna are posted as a comment from someone. Not necessarily her at Chuggin' Monkey, and most likely NOT there...with the ABC contracts, etc. My guess - just her at a random bar on Halloween, sending pics to show Brad what he's missing!!
All I have to say is WHAT???????? Really, a rose to Bettina? That had to have been some sort of crazy editing, because if the events really went down that way (and I am mostly talking about her ridiculous "I don't look that good on paper either" comment. Yeah last time I checked being so good at your job that you make millions and being an amazing guy DID make you not look good on paper)then there is no way he would have given her a rose. I mean, CRAZY editing!
I was also shocked about Sheena, but honestly after I thought about it I realized that he does seem to be a good and honest guy, and if he did not feel "it" with Sheena then he was just trying to respect her and let her go as early as possible. You know? She is so sweet and he obviously thought so, so I think I would rather him keep the witch and let go the sweet one instead of dragging it on if he knew.
What's the deal with Brad having a daughter? Is that true? Links anyone?
I just googled "Brad Womacks Daughter" and a link on realitytvspoiler.com showed a pretty lengthy article and a pic of Laurel, his ex of 3 yrs. Pretty interesting. It said all the bacheloretts do know of his 2 yo. fyi .. Cant wait for the post today! GO LINCEE
I am so frustrated, I could not watch it last night...so I went to ABC.com today and there was something wrong with the episode. It played DD's date twice and skipped Bettina's family. Then it went directly to the rose ceremony. I missed it! Guess I will have to check back again to see if they fix it later! I guess I will be counting on you more than ever for that update!
9:58,
I'm so glad to hear it's not me....I couldn't watch last night either. I did the same thing you did and am so frustrated that I didn't get to see Bettina's date....I WANT TO SEE IT!
Anon 8:09 - you are so right! I think he is such a stand up guy that he let Sheena go because he just wasn't feeling it & I think after last night he doesn't care if he strings Bettina along - because she's a total B & her family is PSYCHO!!!!!!!!!!!!!
He let Sheena go because Bettina is prettier -- and Bettina is going next week. I predict the final 2 will be Jenni and DD, but now I can't figure out which he likes better! And I liked both families, particularly DD's.
Sheena's mom is a nutcase. I couldn't imagine being related to her. And Bettina's family -- OMG. Is she adopted or what?
I agree - Bettina is gone next week.... Bettina's father sure didnt think highly of his daughter if her ex was the best she will ever get, even though she wasnt happy...not to mention STEP mom? so her dad was divorced too? Bettina is a divorce' with no college education at 27... I dont think her daddy should be judging so close to home! LOL!! maybe thats why she lives in California and her dad lives in WA DC
As we've seen in the past, sometimes it's better NOT to introduce the Bachelor to your family -- Bettina should have ripped the page from that book and NEVER brought Brad to meet her family. That's elementary -- Dating 101 stuff! With such a judgmental, elitist father, Bettina will be lucky to land anyone!!
Honest to god, I thought Brad made one of those stream of consciousness mistakes where you say one thing and mean another, when he gave Bettina the rose. I was waiting for him to step off camera and tell Chris he'd just screwed up; can't remember which Bachelor did that before, but I swear I thought it was that all over again!
Does refreshing this site make me desperate??? LOL
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Does refreshing this site make me desperate??? LOL
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Lincee, just a reminder: please tell us about your airport experience!
Nice recap. Have you checked out the recaps from the guy over at the Austin paper? FUNNIEST RECAPS ON THE NET! (in my humble opinion) Keep it up.
http://www.austin360.com/themo
Anon 12:28 PM - no it doesn't make you desperate b/c you ARE NOT ALONE!!! We all refresh w/ you! =D
leolak - Oh good,*refresh* I was starting to feel wierd...
*refresh* *refresh*
LOL!
LOL for reelz girl! can't wait for recap on hometown dates...
anon 12:33...Lincee is the funniest recap on the net. That's why we are here! Please keep your humble opinions and your not even funny austin guy to yourself. TYVM.
Hey all other hard core readers out there who are so bored at work that they read the comments from the week before while waiting for Lincee to post ---
In case you guys were losing sleep over this rumor -
Brad does NOT have a Child.
I am friends with one of the guys who owns the bars with him, and i asked him - he confirmed that Brad does NOT have a child, and that it's just a nasty rumor.
yeah and that un-funny austin blog sucks. it's very hard to read and is very critical of the show. we're here because we LOVE THE SHOW!
That contract is crazy though.
Would any of you readers ever actually go on this show, given the chance?
I'm not sure it would be possible to return to normal life after an editing job like Silly Hillary got last week...
oh, and Realitysteve.com is very funny too. and he posts first thing in the AM, so you can read that while waiting for Our Girl Lincee!
I might consider it but I'd have to be the one doing the choosing...not part of some group of crazy chicks for him to be a nut and not see that I'M FABULOUS!!! HAHAHAHA I'd give some real entertainment...TRUST ME... that show would be cut down to like 4 episodes - but with a lot of humour mixed in for sure!
Although I do love my privacy so this will probably only remain a "fantasy"...haha
However, since Brad is HOTTEST BACH EVER, I'm sure I can make up some. hahahah
Anon 1:49 pm:
I'm not here because I love the show. Not even close. I'm here because I love Lincee's recaps!
Anon 1:49 pm:
I'm not here because I love the show. Not even close. I'm here because I love Lincee's recaps!
ITS UP PEOPLE MOVE ON!!! WOOWHOOO
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