You guys are too sweet. Thanks for worrying about me. Lots of family/friend issues that popped up THE NIGHT I posted my Oklahoma blog. It's all under control now. But I do feel there is no good reason to post an After the Rose recap. I typically never do an after the rose because they are lame. Not to mention that it was so long ago.
There's only so much I can say about how cute Trista is pregnant and how hot Ryan still is. We can sit around and debate exactly how long is TOO LONG to be engaged and then discuss intervention techniques to use on Mary Mary and the fisherman. I could say that I held my breath every time Psycho Stephanie moved, hoping that the ladies wouldn't pop out to say hello. I could spend a good paragraph on how cute Chris Harrison is and how adorable he was holding his note cards with Lieutenant Andy Baldwin on the back. Or how he made Bevin almost cry asking her "Don't you wonder what was wrong with YOU" when she sported her jailhouse dress and pink cast with diamonds. Or how he told Andy, "I can't believe you picked the girl with the muffin joke!" Classic Bachelor is what I would say. We could compare notes on the times that I got mad at the good doctor for, I don't know, grabbing Bev's knee--twice--and telling her that she will always hold a piece of his heart. I would ask you if you saw the chick crying in the studio audience and wonder aloud if she was related to the American Idol chick crying in their studio audience.
But there is no time for that. So I've decided to end the Bachelor season with a list of things I'm going to do until we meet again this fall. Prepare yourself for a complete smorgasbord of random nothingness. This is the true beauty that is Lincee. I present it to you now!
Pirates of the Caribbean 3: I've seen it. I love Captain Jack and the monkey. The movie? About an hour and a half too long. On the bright side...Johnny Depp and Orlando Bloom for almost three hours. Hmmm. Tricky. Very tricky.
Saw SpiderMan 3. I'm sorry if you are a Tobey fan, but he can't pull off the scary black Spidey suit. I'm just saying.
So You Think You Can Dance: Favorite summer TV show.
Order of Phoenix: You know you think Harry Potter is cute too. Let's form a support group.
Hand & Foot Extravaganza: THE best card game in the world.
What Goes Around: Determined to get the catchy Justin Timberlake song OUT of my head.
Going to read three books by the time we meet again. Of course, the final Harry Potter will be one for sure. I'll be the dork with all the other 12-year-olds at Barnes and Noble around midnight to pick up my copy. "Calm My Anxious Heart" for Bible study. And one chick lit novel that I've been told is pretty good..."Time Travler's Wife."
Mimi turns 92! I wish you were all lucky enough to know my crazy grandmother.
10 pounds: The amount of weight I will lose before the baby shower I'm attending for a high school friend. Going to see six girls that I haven't seen in about three years. Luckily, most of them will be big and pregnant and I can look fabulous and single from the big city! And then I'll cry in my glass plate of dainty fruits, crackers and pink sugary dinner mints. Fun times!
www.ihategreenbeans.com: Launch of my new blogsite...coming soon!
Thanks for the well wishes truely. It's been a crazy week and I thank you for your concern. Until we meet this fall...make sure to check the other blogsite for my random nothingness!
All about the shame, not the fame,
Lincee
Wednesday, May 30, 2007
Thursday, May 24, 2007
I have some thoughts...
I'm in Oklahoma with work in a small town that nobody from home has ever heard of. I have some thoughts on last night's After the Rose and a few answers for the wonderfully awesome folks who post on the message board. Check back tomorrow night for my final post of the season!
Tuesday, May 22, 2007
Andy Loves the Women!
Writing recaps for the season finale is always so depressing. It’s so…final.
I’d rather be writing about other important things going on in my life.
For instance:
- Are you buying the George and Izzie attraction?
- Are we pumped that Jim asked Pam on their first real date?
- Where is Pocola, Arkansas, and why do I have to go there this week?
- Will you be tuning in to “So You Think You Can Dance” on Thursday night?
- Pirates 3…opening weekend…Johnny Depp…hot…I’m there
- Is it wrong that I think Harry Potter is cute?
- Are you stocking up on Spring Oreos because the next holiday is Halloween?
- “Lost Without You” by Robin Thicke…playing on iTunes right now…swoon!
But alas. You are here to talk about Lieutenant Andy “I Tell Everyone I Love Them” Baldwin and how he picked Tessa to be his military wife in Hawaii.
Bachelor finales are always deflating to me. Especially when we know who he is going to pick. Two hours of Hawaiian landscape, boring family conversations and professions of love is a little much, don’t you agree? What am I supposed to write about? Nothing was funny…
Therefore, I feel a Top 14 list is only appropriate for my final thoughts on this amazing, wonderful, awesome show.
Eight years— The last time Andy brought someone home
Lincee: Great Gatsby? I’m just saying…
1987—The sister should re-think her earrings
Bevin Nicole: “I’m a clinical research coordinator working with Alzheimer’s patients, cognitive decline, menopause and sexual dysfunction.”
Grandfather: “He likes Bevin Nicole because SHE TURNS HIM ON! But is that what really counts?”
Grandmother: “SURE IT IS!”
Lincee: GO PAPAW and GRANNY! And we thought you guys would freak out at the B’Hai faith. What do we know!
Andy: “Marriage is a commitment. I have a huge decision to make and I don’t have any damn clarity. Freak it.”
Lincee: Please let the record show that I was SHOCKED by the damn. I can also confirm (because Meredith hit the closed captioned function on her TV) that Andy did indeed say freak. No f-bombs by the good doctor. Thank GOODNESS!
Chopperphobia—Fear of helicopters, often causing panic attacks and fit of nervous giggles
Good thing Dr. Baldwin is there to calm Bevin Nicole down with some breathing techniques he learned at the Karate Kid School of Medicine.
73—the number of times “Oh my God!” was uttered from Bevin Nicole
Bevin Nicole: “I wanted to give you a watch because you gave me your watch and you make time stand still and if you’re lost you can look and you will find me time after time.”
Bevin Nicole: “Lieutenant Andrew James Baldwin…I love you!”
Andrew James: “Are you serious?”
Bevin Nicole: “Yes.”
Andrew James: “I love you too Bevin.” (Decent kiss with serious head tilt)
Hold the phone. Back it up! Did Andrew James just tell Bevin Nicole that HE LOVES HER? (Rewind. Play) HE DID! HE SAID HE LOVED HER!
It is at this point that I feel played…yet secretly happy…that Andrew James might pick Bevin Nicole to be his lawfully wedded Navy wife.
Bevin Nicole: “There’s no chance in hell that he would leave me standing without a rose.”
Lincee: Annnnnnnnnd there it is. Nail in the coffin. She jinxed herself. Tess is back in the lead.
Riding a horse with flip flops? Just go barefoot dude.
Nothing says romance like frolicking in the ocean with your muscle man wearing a blue dinosaur floaty around his waist. I salute you ABC intern!
Tessa: “I got you a present. No silly…it’s not the cute yellow tote. It’s the photo collage inside with the five page letter I wrote you on the Turtle Bay note pad I found by the phone!”
Tessa: “I can’t pretend that I’m not in love with you. I want to stay tomorrow. I love you.”
Andy: “I love you too Tessa.”
Wrong. It’s just wrong. You don’t tell two people that you love them. Not when they are staying in the same resort and one will be proposed to tomorrow. Bad Navy doctor. BAD!
Final Rose
It was no surprise that Lieutenant Andy Baldwin picked Tessa. She was everything he ever wanted in a wife, excluding the electricity part.
I have no idea why Bevin Nicole did not see this coming. I mean, he greets her with a kiss when she approaches him, fixes her blowing hair behind her ear from the 90 mile/hour Oahu wind, babbles on about how much of a connection they have and how she means the world to him.
Andrew James: “This is not a rejection. I’m just not picking you. You didn’t win. You are just eliminated. Silver medal. Second place. Just shy of number one. It’s no big deal. I know you said you loved me. I know I said it back. But love is a many splendor thing. It lifts us up where we belong. See those eagles flying? That’s you and me kid…on a mountain high. But I’m going to climb down off this mountain and go be sophisticated and versatile with Tess. This is not a rejection. Is there anything you want to say?”
Insert Jim Halpert face from Bevin Nicole. Whoo hoo!
He grabs for her hand and walks toward the limo. We all hold our breath, wondering if she is going to fling herself off the balcony in utter despair. But she doesn’t.
The ABC Psychotherapist is upset that Bevin Nicole is not giving us the drama we so desperately needed during May sweeps. The best she can get is a few sobs into the pink cocktail napkin she fingered from the limo bar. That’s about it.
Bless Bevin Nicole’s heart.
Cut to Andy crying in the makeshift bureau room. He’s upset because he has so much respect for Bevin Nicole. Can he love Tessa’s versatility the way he loves Bevin Nicole’s electricity?
He’s going to try. He gets down on one knee and asks Tess to marry him, holding out the classic round cut diamond he chose from the special box. She says yes. They twirl, hoop and holler. He gives her the rose and his dog tags.
Cue the music. End of the show montage with familiar background soundtrack.
Will they last? Does Tess owe ABC a billion dollars for spilling the beans to the Page Six secret spy? Will Andy ever feel electric current from Tessa? Is she going to be ticked off that he told Bev he loved her too?
We may find these details out TONIGHT on After the Final Rose!
All about the shame, not the fame,
Lincee
I’d rather be writing about other important things going on in my life.
For instance:
- Are you buying the George and Izzie attraction?
- Are we pumped that Jim asked Pam on their first real date?
- Where is Pocola, Arkansas, and why do I have to go there this week?
- Will you be tuning in to “So You Think You Can Dance” on Thursday night?
- Pirates 3…opening weekend…Johnny Depp…hot…I’m there
- Is it wrong that I think Harry Potter is cute?
- Are you stocking up on Spring Oreos because the next holiday is Halloween?
- “Lost Without You” by Robin Thicke…playing on iTunes right now…swoon!
But alas. You are here to talk about Lieutenant Andy “I Tell Everyone I Love Them” Baldwin and how he picked Tessa to be his military wife in Hawaii.
Bachelor finales are always deflating to me. Especially when we know who he is going to pick. Two hours of Hawaiian landscape, boring family conversations and professions of love is a little much, don’t you agree? What am I supposed to write about? Nothing was funny…
Therefore, I feel a Top 14 list is only appropriate for my final thoughts on this amazing, wonderful, awesome show.
Eight years— The last time Andy brought someone home
Lincee: Great Gatsby? I’m just saying…
1987—The sister should re-think her earrings
Bevin Nicole: “I’m a clinical research coordinator working with Alzheimer’s patients, cognitive decline, menopause and sexual dysfunction.”
Grandfather: “He likes Bevin Nicole because SHE TURNS HIM ON! But is that what really counts?”
Grandmother: “SURE IT IS!”
Lincee: GO PAPAW and GRANNY! And we thought you guys would freak out at the B’Hai faith. What do we know!
Andy: “Marriage is a commitment. I have a huge decision to make and I don’t have any damn clarity. Freak it.”
Lincee: Please let the record show that I was SHOCKED by the damn. I can also confirm (because Meredith hit the closed captioned function on her TV) that Andy did indeed say freak. No f-bombs by the good doctor. Thank GOODNESS!
Chopperphobia—Fear of helicopters, often causing panic attacks and fit of nervous giggles
Good thing Dr. Baldwin is there to calm Bevin Nicole down with some breathing techniques he learned at the Karate Kid School of Medicine.
73—the number of times “Oh my God!” was uttered from Bevin Nicole
Bevin Nicole: “I wanted to give you a watch because you gave me your watch and you make time stand still and if you’re lost you can look and you will find me time after time.”
Bevin Nicole: “Lieutenant Andrew James Baldwin…I love you!”
Andrew James: “Are you serious?”
Bevin Nicole: “Yes.”
Andrew James: “I love you too Bevin.” (Decent kiss with serious head tilt)
Hold the phone. Back it up! Did Andrew James just tell Bevin Nicole that HE LOVES HER? (Rewind. Play) HE DID! HE SAID HE LOVED HER!
It is at this point that I feel played…yet secretly happy…that Andrew James might pick Bevin Nicole to be his lawfully wedded Navy wife.
Bevin Nicole: “There’s no chance in hell that he would leave me standing without a rose.”
Lincee: Annnnnnnnnd there it is. Nail in the coffin. She jinxed herself. Tess is back in the lead.
Riding a horse with flip flops? Just go barefoot dude.
Nothing says romance like frolicking in the ocean with your muscle man wearing a blue dinosaur floaty around his waist. I salute you ABC intern!
Tessa: “I got you a present. No silly…it’s not the cute yellow tote. It’s the photo collage inside with the five page letter I wrote you on the Turtle Bay note pad I found by the phone!”
Tessa: “I can’t pretend that I’m not in love with you. I want to stay tomorrow. I love you.”
Andy: “I love you too Tessa.”
Wrong. It’s just wrong. You don’t tell two people that you love them. Not when they are staying in the same resort and one will be proposed to tomorrow. Bad Navy doctor. BAD!
Final Rose
It was no surprise that Lieutenant Andy Baldwin picked Tessa. She was everything he ever wanted in a wife, excluding the electricity part.
I have no idea why Bevin Nicole did not see this coming. I mean, he greets her with a kiss when she approaches him, fixes her blowing hair behind her ear from the 90 mile/hour Oahu wind, babbles on about how much of a connection they have and how she means the world to him.
Andrew James: “This is not a rejection. I’m just not picking you. You didn’t win. You are just eliminated. Silver medal. Second place. Just shy of number one. It’s no big deal. I know you said you loved me. I know I said it back. But love is a many splendor thing. It lifts us up where we belong. See those eagles flying? That’s you and me kid…on a mountain high. But I’m going to climb down off this mountain and go be sophisticated and versatile with Tess. This is not a rejection. Is there anything you want to say?”
Insert Jim Halpert face from Bevin Nicole. Whoo hoo!
He grabs for her hand and walks toward the limo. We all hold our breath, wondering if she is going to fling herself off the balcony in utter despair. But she doesn’t.
The ABC Psychotherapist is upset that Bevin Nicole is not giving us the drama we so desperately needed during May sweeps. The best she can get is a few sobs into the pink cocktail napkin she fingered from the limo bar. That’s about it.
Bless Bevin Nicole’s heart.
Cut to Andy crying in the makeshift bureau room. He’s upset because he has so much respect for Bevin Nicole. Can he love Tessa’s versatility the way he loves Bevin Nicole’s electricity?
He’s going to try. He gets down on one knee and asks Tess to marry him, holding out the classic round cut diamond he chose from the special box. She says yes. They twirl, hoop and holler. He gives her the rose and his dog tags.
Cue the music. End of the show montage with familiar background soundtrack.
Will they last? Does Tess owe ABC a billion dollars for spilling the beans to the Page Six secret spy? Will Andy ever feel electric current from Tessa? Is she going to be ticked off that he told Bev he loved her too?
We may find these details out TONIGHT on After the Final Rose!
All about the shame, not the fame,
Lincee
Monday, May 21, 2007
The Final Rose
Just a reminder that The Bachelor: An Officer and a Gentleman will bestow his final rose tonight at 8:00 CST. It's a two hour season finale!
After the Rose will air tomorrow night at 7:00 CST.
Tuesday, May 15, 2007
If a shark attacks you...
Tuesday night, 7:00 p.m. CST
THIS JUST IN...
I've just received an email from Our Host Chris Harrison confirming that ABC will INDEED air a Women Tell All episode next Tuesday after the final rose on Monday. Andy, the one he chooses, the one he doesn't and all the crazies will be there with bells on. It's going to be wonderfully amazing!
I’m not going to lie…I thought Bevin was done last night. But the ABC trickeration continues to get the best of me and I am proud to announce that I haven’t a clue which gal will become Mrs. Dr. Lieutenant Andy Baldwin!
SIMPLE DISCLAIMER
The following information you are about to read is of personal opinion. If this e-mail circulates to friends, family, enemies...that is your business. However, if you or someone in your address book happens to personally know, sort of know, know the brother/cousin of, thought you saw in the grocery store buying Spring Oreos and Spaghetti O’s or have a spin instructor that looks exactly like one of the Bachelorettes on the show...none of this is personal and I'm sure they are all lovely people.
Aloha-Oy
Unfortunately, Andy was unable to ship “his” DeLorean or “his” yacht to Hawaii. After a quick surf, he jumps in his Jeep Wrangler and heads down to the Pearl Harbor Memorial.
Bevin arrives in a cute red tube top. Andy feels an electromagnetic current literally go through his body as he places an Aloha lei around her neck. He takes her to gaze over the USS Arizona below the Memorial and shows her the oil coming up to the surface…the black tears of Pearl Harbor. They begin a serious conversation about what it takes to be a Navy wife when suddenly, Andy feels a jolt.
At first he is confused in thinking that the electricity he literally feels for Bev has literally shocked him. But then he notices the ABC intern jumping up and down waving his arms and remembers he was given a beeper to remind him that TIME IS UP! He takes Bev by the arm. She gets the wrong idea and wraps her legs around his waist. He promises that he will see her soon. The ABC intern starts to hyperventilate because Bevin is about to ruin everything and his only job was to get her away from Andy after 22 minutes. He shoves her in the limo, runs back to Andy handing him a fresh flower lei, adjusts his hat, spit shines his shoes and performs a quick once over with a lint brush just as Danielle’s limo pulls up.
SO CLOSE INTERN!
We learn that Dani’s grandmother was a nurse during Pearl Harbor. In a salute to Grandma, Dani is wearing a vintage blue and white dress from the 40s, complete with matching pearls and hair style. No earrings though, because people in the 40s didn’t have their ears pierced. They gaze over the USS Arizona and notice the black tears….again. Andy is in the middle of a monotone soliloquy about peace, hope, strength and leis when he feels another jolt. Remembering that it is only Bevin who provides literal voltage to his loins, he cuts the speech short, delivers Dani to the intern, returns to his post at the Pearl Harbor Memorial entrance, receives his third fresh flower lei and ponders what to say to Tess because the speech Chris Harrison wrote out for him is getting kind of old.
Tess arrives. Peace, strength, hope, black tears, yadda, yadda, yadda. He takes her to the edge of the Memorial and suggests that they toss their flowers over the edge in memory of those who lost their lives at Pearl Harbor. Very sweet.
Enter random, faceless redhead little girl.
Andy offers some of his lei petals. She throws them overboard with reckless abandon. We hear a voiceover of Andy saying this is like foreshadowing of his wife with their little girl one day.
I couldn’t help but feel a little sad for Andy. If I had a hat, I’d tip it to you just as you saluted the USS Arizona when you left for your first fantasy date in Hawaii.
Date One
Tessa
Which of these words was NOT used in describing Tessa during the zip line date?
A. Wonderful
B. Amazing
C. Tomboy
D. Hot
What activity was used as a metaphor for relationships?
A. Shaky bridge
B. Hawaiian happy hour
C. Rock/Paper/Scissors
D. The Bachelor: An Officer and a Gentleman, screaming, “I THINK TESSA IS WONDERFUL” as he zips through the canopy
How did YOU react when the triathlete imitated, what can only be described as a flailing guppy gasping for air (thanks Jill), when Tess asks what HE would do if attacked by a shark?
A. Stare blankly at the TV screen in awe and wonder
B. Lowly murmur to yourself, “noooooooooooooo”
C. Hide behind the sofa cushion in sheer embarrassment for the Lieutenant
D. Pause. Rewind. Play. Pause. Rewind. Play. Pause. Rewind. Play.
If attacked by a shark, would you…
A. Take Andy’s advice and imitate a goldfish
B. Take Tess’ initial advice and punch the shark in the nose
C. Take Tess’ rocket science advice and swim the other way
D. Give the hang loose sign that Andy taught you and enjoy the ride
The MOST random thought that went through your head as Tess and Andy sat on the hammock at the beach
A. Why is he wearing a John Travolta outfit circa Saturday Night Fever?
B. Kudos to the ABC intern for making the sushi in the shape of a rose
C. Why the heck is he tapping all over her shoulders and chest?
D. Seriously? The chest tapping is still going on? Are they drunk?
True or False
The chachiest moment in the Forgo Suite is when Tess and Andy share a romantic rose petal/champagne bath in their bathing suits.
True or False
Andy didn’t have on a bathing suit in the tub.
Date Two
Dani
What animal was Danielle most excited about seeing on the boat
A. Dolphins
B. Whale
C. Andy
D. None of the above. Dani doesn’t get excited.
True or False
Dani held her boobs as she jumped in the ocean after Andy.
The soft core porn montage of Andy and Danielle grinding under water lasted
A. 3 minutes
B. 2 minutes
C. 1 minutes
D. 6 minutes if you watched it twice like I did
Underwater kissing scenes for TV
A. GREAT IDEA
B. To be avoided at all costs. It’s just not pretty.
True or False
Andy jinxed Danielle’s future by arranging for a fortune teller to visit with them at dinner.
Date Three
Bevin
What was your initial reaction of Bev and Andy’s date?
A. Nice shot of Bev’s crotch as she boards the kayak ABC cameraman.
B. Haven’t they already kayaked once together?
C. Why are they kayaking in four inches of water?
D. What dirty…dirty water.
What was your favorite part of the waterfall scene?
A. Candid shot of Bev’s stripper tat
B. Bev’s ill fitting bathing suit bottoms
C. Bev’s lack of ability to come up out of the water like a girl in order to ensure a smooth head of wet hair versus messed up boy hair
D. Secretly thinking that it would be wonderfully amazing if the good doctor got a penis fish!
What really went on behind the waterfall?
A. First base current
B. Second base electricity
C. Third base voltage
D. Electrocution
The following made me giggle at the luau
A. Andy’s straw in his coconut drink
B. Andy shaking his groove thing with the Hawaiian girls
C. Seeing under the fire twirler man’s skirt
D. Andy saying that he and Bevin had amazing chemistry that was hot
Before the rose ceremony, Andy confesses to the camera that he is confused. And when his big brain can’t handle any more stress, he and his muscles go jogging. His poor eight pack is worn out! But even this doesn’t help!
So he calls his friend Great Gatsby, fellow triathlete, to come help make heads or tails of this game we call The Bachelor: An Officer and a Gentleman.
Great Gatsby wants to know about the girls.
Tess is light-hearted, playful and smart.
Dani is solid and nurturing.
I have an electric chemistry current with Bevin, but she’s liberal.
The Great Gatsby, sensing a crisis, helps his friend, the only way he knows how.
“Who would you like to see at the end of the finish line at a triathlon?”
Yes. That is the true question.
He envisions Tessa with the random, faceless little redhead girl running to greet him at the finish line with open light-hearted arms and a sweet peck kiss.
He envisions Dani with a strong confident stride, embracing his waist with a look of peace and hope as she turns to wave to the cheering crowd.
He envisions Bev behind closed doors for a celebratory romp in the sack afterwards.
Rose Ceremony
To my surprise, Danielle is sent home. I admit. I was tricked! I bought the drama. CURSES TO THE EVIL EDITORS OF ABC!!!
Next week, we meet Andy’s Pennsylvania family. Both girls proclaim their love for our dear Bachelor: An Officer and a Gentleman.
If our conservative Andy picks liberal Bevin, I will be very surprised.
All about the shame, not the fame,
Lincee
Tuesday, May 08, 2007
You have a wonderful, wonderful daughter
So there I was in full RICE mode (rest, ice, compression, elevation) with the knee, laid up on the couch, computer on my lap, not paying attention to the show, wondering what a hometown date with my family would be like.
Modeling last night’s hometown dates, I figure it would look a little something like this:
Hometown Date
Lincee
Hallsville, Texas
I would need a picturesque background for me to stand in front of as I gush about how I’m so excited for the Lieutenant to meet my family. Of course the Hallsville water tower wouldn’t do since there is not a big lawn or driveway nearby so that we could run to meet each other in a powerful embrace.
Tricky. Very tricky. Something that screams Hallsville and has a ton of grass…
Hello Bobcat stadium!
It actually works out perfect because my knee is hurt. And the knee’s first injury happened right there on the 50-yard-line while I was doing a cartwheel off of a fence to the tune of “Wild, Wild West” during Homecoming halftime in 1994. Circle of life people…
I would be in the stands overlooking the field. A black Tahoe would pull up at the opposite end. Andy would jump out and start running towards me. I’d yell, “You’re hhhhheeeeeeeeeeeerrrrreeeeeee!” and he’d yell, “Oh MY GOSH” and hug me.
I’d show him all the hot spots of town. You’ve got your Dairy Queen. There’s the red light. The bank. I’d tell him about the time that I worked there as a teller and closed the blinds in my office because the sun was in my eyes, not knowing that was a sign to the police that there was a robbery going on inside and how they showed up asking the guy (who didn’t exist) to come out with his hands up. He’d laugh.
We’d go to my parent’s house. Mom would be waiting for us on the porch. Dogs would bark. Daddy would be either on the lawn mower, tractor or burning something. Mom would usher us in and thank Andy for bringing her coffee from Hawaii. She’d tell me to get on the golf cart and go flag Daddy down by the pond to tell him we were ready to eat. Mom would stay with Andy and talk about Hawaii. She’d tell him all about the time she visited in 1981 and wonder aloud if he had ever seen Blue Hawaii. Meanwhile, I’d go fetch Daddy, beg him to put on a shirt and remember to wash his hands before meeting the man of my dreams. Daddy would cock his eyebrow at me and say he would be in after he finished.
Mom would prepare the kitchen table with food from my Dad’s restaurant. Catfish Express. Andy would talk about how much he loved catfish. I would tell him I wish my Dad owned a pizza joint because I pretty much stay away from anything with gills and everything that is in the crustaceous family. Mom would tell him that the secret of a good cole slaw is how much sugar you add. I would make a gagging noise as I fixed myself a peanut butter and jelly sandwich.
My sister Jamie would then burst through the back door. My Mom would cry because she recently dyed her hair red. She would tell Andy how jealous we are of Jamie’s “wonder hair” and that she hopes she hasn’t ruined her beautiful blonde locks with that wretched dye and curses the hairdresser under her breath. Jamie would roll her eyes at Mom, plop down beside Andy and start giving him the third degree. She’s very protective.
She’d quiz him on important facts. What’s your favorite John Hughes movie? What music do you listen to? Can you believe I’m the OLDER sister even though I look younger?
Daddy would come in with the dogs, and grunt a hello at Andy. Mom would feed the dogs a weenie from the refrigerator because we are out of dog food. Then we’d all sit down and have a nice meal.
Mom: “Isn’t it sad that Don Ho died?”
Andy: “You have a wonderful, wonderful daughter.”
Jamie: “Quick…who would you rather date? Molly Ringwald from Pretty in Pink or Sixteen Candles?”
Andy: “I’m just wondering if Lincee is really in this for the right reasons.”
Daddy: Evil stare.
Andy: “This fish is awesome. Really awesome.”
After dinner, we’d make out in the driveway. I’d offer him some pointers on his kissing technique. Then I would tell the ABC psychotherapist that I felt a connection and I can’t wait to see him again.
SIMPLE DISCLAIMER
Modeling last night’s hometown dates, I figure it would look a little something like this:
Hometown Date
Lincee
Hallsville, Texas
I would need a picturesque background for me to stand in front of as I gush about how I’m so excited for the Lieutenant to meet my family. Of course the Hallsville water tower wouldn’t do since there is not a big lawn or driveway nearby so that we could run to meet each other in a powerful embrace.
Tricky. Very tricky. Something that screams Hallsville and has a ton of grass…
Hello Bobcat stadium!
It actually works out perfect because my knee is hurt. And the knee’s first injury happened right there on the 50-yard-line while I was doing a cartwheel off of a fence to the tune of “Wild, Wild West” during Homecoming halftime in 1994. Circle of life people…
I would be in the stands overlooking the field. A black Tahoe would pull up at the opposite end. Andy would jump out and start running towards me. I’d yell, “You’re hhhhheeeeeeeeeeeerrrrreeeeeee!” and he’d yell, “Oh MY GOSH” and hug me.
I’d show him all the hot spots of town. You’ve got your Dairy Queen. There’s the red light. The bank. I’d tell him about the time that I worked there as a teller and closed the blinds in my office because the sun was in my eyes, not knowing that was a sign to the police that there was a robbery going on inside and how they showed up asking the guy (who didn’t exist) to come out with his hands up. He’d laugh.
We’d go to my parent’s house. Mom would be waiting for us on the porch. Dogs would bark. Daddy would be either on the lawn mower, tractor or burning something. Mom would usher us in and thank Andy for bringing her coffee from Hawaii. She’d tell me to get on the golf cart and go flag Daddy down by the pond to tell him we were ready to eat. Mom would stay with Andy and talk about Hawaii. She’d tell him all about the time she visited in 1981 and wonder aloud if he had ever seen Blue Hawaii. Meanwhile, I’d go fetch Daddy, beg him to put on a shirt and remember to wash his hands before meeting the man of my dreams. Daddy would cock his eyebrow at me and say he would be in after he finished.
Mom would prepare the kitchen table with food from my Dad’s restaurant. Catfish Express. Andy would talk about how much he loved catfish. I would tell him I wish my Dad owned a pizza joint because I pretty much stay away from anything with gills and everything that is in the crustaceous family. Mom would tell him that the secret of a good cole slaw is how much sugar you add. I would make a gagging noise as I fixed myself a peanut butter and jelly sandwich.
My sister Jamie would then burst through the back door. My Mom would cry because she recently dyed her hair red. She would tell Andy how jealous we are of Jamie’s “wonder hair” and that she hopes she hasn’t ruined her beautiful blonde locks with that wretched dye and curses the hairdresser under her breath. Jamie would roll her eyes at Mom, plop down beside Andy and start giving him the third degree. She’s very protective.
She’d quiz him on important facts. What’s your favorite John Hughes movie? What music do you listen to? Can you believe I’m the OLDER sister even though I look younger?
Daddy would come in with the dogs, and grunt a hello at Andy. Mom would feed the dogs a weenie from the refrigerator because we are out of dog food. Then we’d all sit down and have a nice meal.
Mom: “Isn’t it sad that Don Ho died?”
Andy: “You have a wonderful, wonderful daughter.”
Jamie: “Quick…who would you rather date? Molly Ringwald from Pretty in Pink or Sixteen Candles?”
Andy: “I’m just wondering if Lincee is really in this for the right reasons.”
Daddy: Evil stare.
Andy: “This fish is awesome. Really awesome.”
After dinner, we’d make out in the driveway. I’d offer him some pointers on his kissing technique. Then I would tell the ABC psychotherapist that I felt a connection and I can’t wait to see him again.
SIMPLE DISCLAIMER
The following information you are about to read is of personal opinion. If this e-mail circulates to friends, family, enemies...that is your business. However, if you or someone in your address book happens to personally know, sort of know, know the brother/cousin of, thought you saw in the grocery store buying Spring Oreos and Spaghetti O’s or have a spin instructor that looks exactly like one of the Bachelorettes on the show...none of this is personal and I'm sure they are all lovely people.
We begin last night’s episode with a simple rundown of the women. Andy tells the camera what he feels for each woman.
Tess is dynamic. She’s mature, experienced and sophisticated. He’s concerned that he has to woo her and that her heart is not on her sleeve.
Dani is the most invested. I don’t know WHERE he gets this from, but there is obviously some ABC editing going on to throw us off the trail. Would not be surprised if she is in the final two. He says that she is strong, but wonders if she is a friend or partner.
Amber has a beautiful smile. And we’re done.
WARNING! WARNING! WARNING!
He is concerned that she is 23. Buh bye Amber.
The chemistry with Bevin is natural. Every time he sees her, he feels a current. Nice of Andy to look up in his thesaurus another word for electricity. Too bad he didn’t do that for the words “wonderful” and “amazing” the rest of the night.
Top Nine Hometown Moments
Bevin
1. Bev runs to meet Andy halfway down the driveway by the waterfalls, jumps on him, wraps her legs around his waist and makes out with him
2. Andy: “I’m in heaven when I’m with Bevin.” Then he grins…proud of his nifty rhyme.
3. Andy: “Am I the first boy you brought to this waterfall?”
4. Bev: “Speaking of other boys, we’ve all been teenagers, right?” Bev takes a good 60 seconds to dramatically stall in telling our Bachelor: An Officer and a Gentleman, that she was once married at a young age. She doesn’t regret it because it has made her who she is. Andy appreciates this honesty, but it does raise a red flag for him. She assures Andy that she doesn’t take marriage lightly and that she would have to consider getting remarried long and hard before going through with it. Interesting since we already know that Andy proposes to someone at the end of the show. I’m just saying…
5. Bev takes Andy to meet her family. He stands awkwardly as Bev emotionally embraces her Dad. They cry together for five minutes before introducing him to the rest of the fam.
6. The Mom gives Andy a painting, symbolizing his trip to the northwest. This makes Bev so emotional that she has to leave the dinner table. Dad rushes off to console her.
7. Dad asks if she loves him. She doesn’t deny that she feels something. Dad encourages her to not hold back, lets her wipe her nose on his sleeve and then warns that there are no guarantees in life.
8. Andy: “You have a wonderful, wonderful, wonderful daughter.”
9. Bev: “I don’t ever use the word love. But I feel like I’m falling in love with Andy and that is a big deal.”
Top Ten Hometown Moments
Danielle
1. Dani runs to meet Andy halfway down the driveway in the Bethel Village Square. Dani: “You’re hhheeeeeeeeerrrrreeee.”
2. Andy tells the camera…again…that he feels they have a connection because of their history of tragic loss and triumph over the hurdles in life.
3. Danielle lives at home.
4. Andy: “You have an amazing, amazing daughter.”
5. Mom: “I’m just concerned about Dani moving to Hawaii.” Andy: “I’m giving your amazing, amazing daughter the chance to travel the world.” Dani: “If you find what makes you happy, you have to be with that.”
6. Dad lets loose on the drums pretending to be sitting in on a set with Metallica.
7. Not to be outdone, Mom wants to teach Andy belly dancing. Seriously. Too bad ABC didn’t get the group plastered beforehand, because that might have been as entertaining as last season’s Pilates fiasco.
8. The marathon photo of Dani’s parents crossing the finish line together.
9. Andy: “Coming here feels like coming home.” Note to self readers…could Dani be our black horse?
10. Dani and Andy make out…our first time to see this…with very smacky kisses.
Top Eight Hometown Moments
Tessa
1. Andy continues his streak of being the most enthusiastic greeter EVER by running to meet Tess in front of the Capitol building in DC. Very Forrest Gump meets Jenny in the reflecting pond…except with snow.
2. Andy: “How cool is this! We are in DC! There’s the Capitol. And that monument.”
3. Andy: “Tessa is a goofball. Luckily, so am I. Even though at the beginning of the show, I talked and talked about how sophisticated and mature she is, it’s important to roll around in the snow before going to meet the family. And she gets that. She gets me. I just hope I get her in the end.” (Winks at the camera and gives the thumbs up sign.)
4. Andy: “We had some great dates. I watched her try on dresses.” Dad: “What do you mean you watched her try on dresses?” Andy: “Can I have another beer?”
5. Tess’s BFF: “You appear to be a good guy. What are your faults?” Andy: “I can’t sing or cook.” BFF: “Do you see yourself in a suburb or city?” Andy: “I see myself having several homes.” Well played my friend.
6. Andy is concerned Tess is holding back. Doing dishes with the Dad, he learns that she signed up for the show for fun. The BFF and sister confirm this is indeed true.
We begin last night’s episode with a simple rundown of the women. Andy tells the camera what he feels for each woman.
Tess is dynamic. She’s mature, experienced and sophisticated. He’s concerned that he has to woo her and that her heart is not on her sleeve.
Dani is the most invested. I don’t know WHERE he gets this from, but there is obviously some ABC editing going on to throw us off the trail. Would not be surprised if she is in the final two. He says that she is strong, but wonders if she is a friend or partner.
Amber has a beautiful smile. And we’re done.
WARNING! WARNING! WARNING!
He is concerned that she is 23. Buh bye Amber.
The chemistry with Bevin is natural. Every time he sees her, he feels a current. Nice of Andy to look up in his thesaurus another word for electricity. Too bad he didn’t do that for the words “wonderful” and “amazing” the rest of the night.
Top Nine Hometown Moments
Bevin
1. Bev runs to meet Andy halfway down the driveway by the waterfalls, jumps on him, wraps her legs around his waist and makes out with him
2. Andy: “I’m in heaven when I’m with Bevin.” Then he grins…proud of his nifty rhyme.
3. Andy: “Am I the first boy you brought to this waterfall?”
4. Bev: “Speaking of other boys, we’ve all been teenagers, right?” Bev takes a good 60 seconds to dramatically stall in telling our Bachelor: An Officer and a Gentleman, that she was once married at a young age. She doesn’t regret it because it has made her who she is. Andy appreciates this honesty, but it does raise a red flag for him. She assures Andy that she doesn’t take marriage lightly and that she would have to consider getting remarried long and hard before going through with it. Interesting since we already know that Andy proposes to someone at the end of the show. I’m just saying…
5. Bev takes Andy to meet her family. He stands awkwardly as Bev emotionally embraces her Dad. They cry together for five minutes before introducing him to the rest of the fam.
6. The Mom gives Andy a painting, symbolizing his trip to the northwest. This makes Bev so emotional that she has to leave the dinner table. Dad rushes off to console her.
7. Dad asks if she loves him. She doesn’t deny that she feels something. Dad encourages her to not hold back, lets her wipe her nose on his sleeve and then warns that there are no guarantees in life.
8. Andy: “You have a wonderful, wonderful, wonderful daughter.”
9. Bev: “I don’t ever use the word love. But I feel like I’m falling in love with Andy and that is a big deal.”
Top Ten Hometown Moments
Danielle
1. Dani runs to meet Andy halfway down the driveway in the Bethel Village Square. Dani: “You’re hhheeeeeeeeerrrrreeee.”
2. Andy tells the camera…again…that he feels they have a connection because of their history of tragic loss and triumph over the hurdles in life.
3. Danielle lives at home.
4. Andy: “You have an amazing, amazing daughter.”
5. Mom: “I’m just concerned about Dani moving to Hawaii.” Andy: “I’m giving your amazing, amazing daughter the chance to travel the world.” Dani: “If you find what makes you happy, you have to be with that.”
6. Dad lets loose on the drums pretending to be sitting in on a set with Metallica.
7. Not to be outdone, Mom wants to teach Andy belly dancing. Seriously. Too bad ABC didn’t get the group plastered beforehand, because that might have been as entertaining as last season’s Pilates fiasco.
8. The marathon photo of Dani’s parents crossing the finish line together.
9. Andy: “Coming here feels like coming home.” Note to self readers…could Dani be our black horse?
10. Dani and Andy make out…our first time to see this…with very smacky kisses.
Top Eight Hometown Moments
Tessa
1. Andy continues his streak of being the most enthusiastic greeter EVER by running to meet Tess in front of the Capitol building in DC. Very Forrest Gump meets Jenny in the reflecting pond…except with snow.
2. Andy: “How cool is this! We are in DC! There’s the Capitol. And that monument.”
3. Andy: “Tessa is a goofball. Luckily, so am I. Even though at the beginning of the show, I talked and talked about how sophisticated and mature she is, it’s important to roll around in the snow before going to meet the family. And she gets that. She gets me. I just hope I get her in the end.” (Winks at the camera and gives the thumbs up sign.)
4. Andy: “We had some great dates. I watched her try on dresses.” Dad: “What do you mean you watched her try on dresses?” Andy: “Can I have another beer?”
5. Tess’s BFF: “You appear to be a good guy. What are your faults?” Andy: “I can’t sing or cook.” BFF: “Do you see yourself in a suburb or city?” Andy: “I see myself having several homes.” Well played my friend.
6. Andy is concerned Tess is holding back. Doing dishes with the Dad, he learns that she signed up for the show for fun. The BFF and sister confirm this is indeed true.
7. Andy does not like this answer. He tells the camera that he knows three other women are in this game for HIM. There is no chasing when it comes to Bev, Amber and Dani.
8. Andy confronts Tess. “Why are you in this?” Tess: “I want to see where this is growing.” (Not going, but growing.) Andy: “What do you want?” (Getting very aggressive now.) Tess: “I want to fall in love with you.” Andy: “SO TELL ME THAT! BECAUSE I WANT TO FALL IN LOVE WITH YOU TOO!”
8. Andy confronts Tess. “Why are you in this?” Tess: “I want to see where this is growing.” (Not going, but growing.) Andy: “What do you want?” (Getting very aggressive now.) Tess: “I want to fall in love with you.” Andy: “SO TELL ME THAT! BECAUSE I WANT TO FALL IN LOVE WITH YOU TOO!”
Is Tess digging herself a hole because she is playing TOO hard to get?
Top Ten Hometown Moments
Amber
1. Poor Andy doesn’t have a chance to meet-n-greet Amber his traditional way because she jumps his bones the minute he steps out of the Tahoe in Sugar Land.
2. Andy is stoked to see Amber’s classroom. He sits in a little person chair, pretends to be a 4th-grader and asks Amber for a kiss. She gives him a peck and then tells the camera that she wouldn’t normally do that to her students. Good to know Amber.
3. Her kids come in to meet her. She cries. One student asks if Andy likes her teacher. He said that her teacher is very cute. They met on a special mission (What the crap?) and he saw her in a nice house…thought she was pretty (huh?) and they started talking. She invited him to meet her students. Was that necessary Lieutenant?
4. Amber asks if he knows sign language. He gives the hang loose sign and tells everyone how to say Aloha! He’s very pleased that he has educated America’s youth.
5. We find out that Amber’s parents don’t approve of her going on the show so he will not be meeting them. Her aunt MAY come, but after a very emotional phone call, LOTS OF EYE ROLLING and a consoling hug from Andy, she gets over the fact that she will not be joining them.
6. Amber then tells the audience that she is excited for Andy to meet her puppy and roommate. In that order. The puppy must like Andy or this relationship will not work.
Are you kidding me Amber? Did you, the MOST MATURE 23-year-old on the planet, just tell us that your dog has to like the guy before you date? It’s THAT important that Pasha, who pees all over your carpet on national TV, approves?
7. We meet Amber’s roommate. She’s young and hip and cute and 23. She doesn’t quite get the concept of being in the Navy and being a doctor at the same time. Andy does his best to explain, then looks to Amber for some help. She takes a sip of her Zima and tells her roommate, “See! I told you he was pretty much really cool.”
Insert Jim Halpert face here.
8. As Andy tells us that the seven year gap concerns him, as well as the fact that he felt he was just thrown into a college sorority party, the aunt shows up to save the day. More crying! Yes!
9. I don’t know what all happened after this because it is when I was daydreaming about my fake hometown date.
10. I did see that he didn’t give Amber a passionate kiss. He went back to the pecking days of Old School Andy. Note to self…he never said she was wonderful, wonderful or amazing, amazing. Ah-ha!
Rose Ceremony
Andy pants into his microphone as if he’d been doing pushups in the bureau room just minutes before coming out with Our Host Chris Harrison. He tells the women that he should be true to his heart and that all he wants is love.
Roses go to Tess, Bev and Dani. No surprise there. Did anyone else hear him tell Dani that she smelled good when he gave her the rose? I’m telling you…this girl might be in the bottom two.
Poor Amber looks like she is about to hurl as he takes her hand out to the lonely bench away from the other girls. She doesn’t understand. She had the most AMAZING DAY OF HER LIFE! She wants to know why? WHY?
Andy: “You are quite a bit younger than me.”
Amber: “You said age didn’t matter in the hot tub. And I am young by AGE. But am VERY MATURE FOR MY AGE! I thought we had a connection!”
Andy: “It breaks my heart.”
Amber: “Is it because you didn’t meet my family?”
Andy: “No! Absolutely not! It was your dog. He told me he didn’t like me. I know how you feel about approval from Pasha.”
Amber rolls her eyes in the very back of her head so that the whites of her eyes show. There is snot and tears as she clings to the Bachelor: Officer and Gentleman. She starts wailing even before he closes the door of the limo. She doesn’t understand she tells the camera again. Why did she get cut?
Probably because you use the term “getting cut” like you are going through Rush at Baylor University and you just got black balled from the Kappas. I’m just saying…
Then she drops the F-Bomb. That’s always refreshing.
Andy tells the camera that the three remaining women are solid and he knows he made the right choice.
I would not categorize Bevin as solid. More like emotional. At least we now know it’s genetic.
Tess is in choppy water. She better partake of the forgo card or she’ll be out.
Dani is the one to watch. I’m thinking some serious ABC editing is going on.
Until next week!
All about the shame, not the fame,
Lincee
Top Ten Hometown Moments
Amber
1. Poor Andy doesn’t have a chance to meet-n-greet Amber his traditional way because she jumps his bones the minute he steps out of the Tahoe in Sugar Land.
2. Andy is stoked to see Amber’s classroom. He sits in a little person chair, pretends to be a 4th-grader and asks Amber for a kiss. She gives him a peck and then tells the camera that she wouldn’t normally do that to her students. Good to know Amber.
3. Her kids come in to meet her. She cries. One student asks if Andy likes her teacher. He said that her teacher is very cute. They met on a special mission (What the crap?) and he saw her in a nice house…thought she was pretty (huh?) and they started talking. She invited him to meet her students. Was that necessary Lieutenant?
4. Amber asks if he knows sign language. He gives the hang loose sign and tells everyone how to say Aloha! He’s very pleased that he has educated America’s youth.
5. We find out that Amber’s parents don’t approve of her going on the show so he will not be meeting them. Her aunt MAY come, but after a very emotional phone call, LOTS OF EYE ROLLING and a consoling hug from Andy, she gets over the fact that she will not be joining them.
6. Amber then tells the audience that she is excited for Andy to meet her puppy and roommate. In that order. The puppy must like Andy or this relationship will not work.
Are you kidding me Amber? Did you, the MOST MATURE 23-year-old on the planet, just tell us that your dog has to like the guy before you date? It’s THAT important that Pasha, who pees all over your carpet on national TV, approves?
7. We meet Amber’s roommate. She’s young and hip and cute and 23. She doesn’t quite get the concept of being in the Navy and being a doctor at the same time. Andy does his best to explain, then looks to Amber for some help. She takes a sip of her Zima and tells her roommate, “See! I told you he was pretty much really cool.”
Insert Jim Halpert face here.
8. As Andy tells us that the seven year gap concerns him, as well as the fact that he felt he was just thrown into a college sorority party, the aunt shows up to save the day. More crying! Yes!
9. I don’t know what all happened after this because it is when I was daydreaming about my fake hometown date.
10. I did see that he didn’t give Amber a passionate kiss. He went back to the pecking days of Old School Andy. Note to self…he never said she was wonderful, wonderful or amazing, amazing. Ah-ha!
Rose Ceremony
Andy pants into his microphone as if he’d been doing pushups in the bureau room just minutes before coming out with Our Host Chris Harrison. He tells the women that he should be true to his heart and that all he wants is love.
Roses go to Tess, Bev and Dani. No surprise there. Did anyone else hear him tell Dani that she smelled good when he gave her the rose? I’m telling you…this girl might be in the bottom two.
Poor Amber looks like she is about to hurl as he takes her hand out to the lonely bench away from the other girls. She doesn’t understand. She had the most AMAZING DAY OF HER LIFE! She wants to know why? WHY?
Andy: “You are quite a bit younger than me.”
Amber: “You said age didn’t matter in the hot tub. And I am young by AGE. But am VERY MATURE FOR MY AGE! I thought we had a connection!”
Andy: “It breaks my heart.”
Amber: “Is it because you didn’t meet my family?”
Andy: “No! Absolutely not! It was your dog. He told me he didn’t like me. I know how you feel about approval from Pasha.”
Amber rolls her eyes in the very back of her head so that the whites of her eyes show. There is snot and tears as she clings to the Bachelor: Officer and Gentleman. She starts wailing even before he closes the door of the limo. She doesn’t understand she tells the camera again. Why did she get cut?
Probably because you use the term “getting cut” like you are going through Rush at Baylor University and you just got black balled from the Kappas. I’m just saying…
Then she drops the F-Bomb. That’s always refreshing.
Andy tells the camera that the three remaining women are solid and he knows he made the right choice.
I would not categorize Bevin as solid. More like emotional. At least we now know it’s genetic.
Tess is in choppy water. She better partake of the forgo card or she’ll be out.
Dani is the one to watch. I’m thinking some serious ABC editing is going on.
Until next week!
All about the shame, not the fame,
Lincee
Monday, May 07, 2007
CONFIRMED!
I have just confirmed with our host Chris Harrison that the rumors are indeed true. There will NOT be a Women Tell All episode airing before or after the final rose ceremony, due to timing, scheduling and May sweeps.
I hate that we will miss out on our host’s comedic timing with zingy one-liners and gag reel contributions. What I would give to see Psycho Stephanie and her boobs squirm in the hot seat. Or for Chris to offer Nicole $20 to yell, "PUNKY POWER" to the top of her lungs. Are the twins still BFF? Does Amber feel guilty that her principal stepped down as a result of her participation in the show? Would Bevin have worn Spanx? Was Tina going to treat the audience to a spiritual rendition of “You’re a Grand Old Flag?”
I hate that we will miss out on our host’s comedic timing with zingy one-liners and gag reel contributions. What I would give to see Psycho Stephanie and her boobs squirm in the hot seat. Or for Chris to offer Nicole $20 to yell, "PUNKY POWER" to the top of her lungs. Are the twins still BFF? Does Amber feel guilty that her principal stepped down as a result of her participation in the show? Would Bevin have worn Spanx? Was Tina going to treat the audience to a spiritual rendition of “You’re a Grand Old Flag?”
The world will never know.
Tuesday, May 01, 2007
You got a little something in your teeth...
It’s been a long couple of weeks for our Bachelor: An Officer and a Gentleman and his band of lovely ladies. ABC decides to take some pressure off by not having Andy hand out any roses during this week’s dates. There will be a big group date, one little group date and two solo dates.
SIMPLE DISCLAIMER
The following information you are about to read is of personal opinion. If this e-mail circulates to friends, family, enemies...that is your business. However, if you or someone in your address book happens to personally know, sort of know, know the brother/cousin of, thought you saw in the grocery store buying Spring Oreos and Spaghetti O’s or have a spin instructor that looks exactly like one of the Bachelorettes on the show...none of this is personal and I'm sure they are all lovely people.
SIMPLE DISCLAIMER
The following information you are about to read is of personal opinion. If this e-mail circulates to friends, family, enemies...that is your business. However, if you or someone in your address book happens to personally know, sort of know, know the brother/cousin of, thought you saw in the grocery store buying Spring Oreos and Spaghetti O’s or have a spin instructor that looks exactly like one of the Bachelorettes on the show...none of this is personal and I'm sure they are all lovely people.
BIG GROUP DATE
What better way to start off a day of fun in the sun on the lieutenant’s yacht, than by partaking in some early morning calisthenics on the deck! We see Andy doing some push ups on the ladder handles. And stretching. Lots of stretching. Luckily the ABC intern read my recap last week and took it upon himself to make the good doctor look good on national TV and handed him a beer before the limo of ladies arrived at his dock. In a bottle. No straw. Nice.
The girls are super psyched about sailing on Andy’s (ABC’s) yacht. Steph talks about the air and the smells. Bev screeches like a four-year-old girl when she spots the seals on a buoy. Dani marvels at a flock of sea gulls. Tess rambles on about her pet peeve of thin socks on carpet. Amber hates clapping in movie theaters. And Tina picks cilantro out of our boy’s teeth. With her fingernail. In the middle of a conversation with Tess and Amber. Fingernail. Picking. Teeth. Cilantro. Crazy.
Classic Quote of the Night #1
Amber: “Tina just does things…that some of us…wouldn’t do.”
You think?
Andy escapes the brunettes and heads over to the blond table. Steph and Dani are smiling blankly. They have both admitted they are afraid Bev is going to steal the Bachelor: O&G away on this date. It is supposed to be a group. She is not following the rules.
This is the part where I wonder if they knew what they were signing up for.
Bev doesn’t disappoint. She tells Andy that she has been eyeing the two kayaks on the yacht since she boarded and would love to go try them out with Andy. Being the triathlete that he is, our boy is up for the task.
Dani and Steph sit and smile.
Andy straps Bev into her life vest. He claims that she needs the vest in case he tips the kayak over.
Classic Quote of the Night #2
Bev: “Don’t worry. I’m not afraid of drownding. As long as you give me mouth-to-mouth.”
Drownding. Ding. Drownding. Bless her heart.
They kayak around in the ocean. She leans over onto his kayak for a hug. She deliberately falls out of her kayak so that he can save her with some mouth-to-mouth action. They return to Andy’s (ABC’s) yacht dripping wet. She barricades him against the back of the yacht and proceeds to straddle him in a make out session with the rest of the Blond Ambition tour eavesdropping from above.
They come up for air.
Everyone else is wrapped in their blankets. The Brunettes are asleep together in a pile. Too bad they missed the beautiful sunset on the way back.
STEPH ONE-ON-ONE
Andy wants Steph to show her true colors. He wants to have her explain why she is on the journey. So he takes her to a winery. They are going to make their own unique blend.
Classic Quote of the Night #3:
Andy: “You can take this to the next level and it can represent romance. A little bit of Andy. A little bit of Stephanie. It tastes beautiful. Like you.”
Unfortunately, the awkwardness did not end there. Wine guy said they had to make a label for their unique Stephandy blend. They are taken to a big blank canvas surrounded by paints and are told to create a masterpiece!
Flicking of paint here. Sloshing of pain there. The canvas comes off of the easel. Stephandy decides to use their hands instead of brushes.
And here is the moment. I just shivered thinking about it.
Our boy started out with a semi-decent idea of taking Steph’s hand, dripping in paint, into his own hand. I’m thinking yellow and blue make green perhaps? No no. Too elementary my dear friends. He slaps the hands together. Has a moment of brain freeze not knowing where to go from here. Being the patriotic Navy boy he is, he heads straight for the fall back…place your hand on your heart. And then they kiss.
What in the world? Not only was that lame, but now Steph has a huge hand print on her boob. And it’s not even Andy’s hand print to make the other girls jealous! I can see the poor ABC intern now…shaking his head in disappointment.
The wine guy takes a Polaroid of the canvas and tapes it to the Stephandy blend. They share the bottle with dinner. Andy hopes that Steph will take this time to really open up and prove that she wants to be here. Not so much.
Andy: “Tell me about your dreams.”
Steph: “I have many.”
Silence.
Andy: “When you get out of bed, what’s driving you?”
Steph: “I don’t know.”
Silence.
Andy: “Career wise, what are you looking forward to?”
Steph: “Hmmm. I don’t know.”
Lincee: Rolling her eyes.
Andy blames the fact that Steph knows nothing on her age. He is concerned that she doesn’t know what she wants in life.
Lincee thinks that Steph is done.
Meanwhile at the mansion, Amber wants to know why Bev is so upset. Bev explains in short sentences between bursts of tears that she has feelings for Andy. She doesn’t understand why she is in to a guy that likes 23-year-olds. Amber battles back saying that she raised her siblings and is a very mature 23-year-old. Bevin stomps her feel, tears up and screams at the top of her lungs that she is mature too and hurls herself out the back door to the veranda.
The ABC psychotherapist chases after her for a confessional. The emotions are flying. “The guy I’m dating is dating so many other women…it makes me feel desperate. At my age, I feel ridiculous. I feel like an idiot. The chances are it won’t be me. He has to come on my hometown date so I can tell him I’ve been divorced. There has been no time before now to do that. Sure I spent an entire afternoon with him at the hospital when I broke my ankle, and cried on his shoulder for 30 minutes in Tahoe about my ankle right before my super special time in his hotel room where he tried to run his fingers through my helmet hair and just kayaked with him by myself, but I have not had one-on-one time and it is unfair. I hate Tessa. WHY MEEEEEEEE???”
The ABC psychotherapist gives her Lexapro and sends her off to bed.
SMALL GROUP DATE
Amber
Tina
Bevin
Dani
The girls are going to renovate a playground at a school. Andy is going to take this time to see how the girls react to children and community involvement. Amber works on a hopscotch. Dani talks about wanting two kids while teaching Andy how to highlight painted roses. Tina talks about how she feels she is back in high school while living with the other girls. The lieutenant tells her that being cool is all about perspective. Lincee laughs. They work hard as a team and are excited to see the kids enjoy their project. Too bad little Judy got paint all over her shoes due to wet hopscotch and little Tommy crashed on his Big Wheel because of a misplaced bolt in the brake. Other than that…SUCCESS!
Dani is worried that Bev is going to take one-on-one time again. Amber wants Andy to meet her kids at her school in Texas. Tina is talking to the other “drummers with a different beat” kids telling them it doesn’t get better when they grow up. And Bev shows that she is not a complete moron when it comes to little people.
ONE-ON-ONE WITH TESS
Andy requested this date with Tessa. Why? Because of the chase. Andy tells the camera that he wants HER to know that HE’S the man for her.
Well played Tess.
He gives her two million dollars worth of diamonds for the night. Looks super cute with her tank top and jeans. Bev has a meltdown.
They run by Nicole Miller and try on ever dress in the store. I’m sure he’s bored as all get out. She finally decides on a red number. You know which song swells in the background. Andy says she’s sexy. They eat in a garden with the rain trickling in the background. They talk about snuggling in bed when it rains and how romantic the notion is. The conversation is easy and real. They both truly believe that this weird circumstance called The Bachelor just might work! Who cares about the nine other times before, 10 might just be the charm!
Tess decides to put herself out there since Andy is so open and honest. She confesses that it takes her longer to get comfortable and trust someone. For the first time, our Bachelor: O&G does not have a toothy grin, cocked eyebrow or furrowed brow. He’s actually nervous as to what Tess has to say.
He tells her his heart is full and asks twice where she came from. I don’t know what he meant by that, but I can report what I do know:
He kissed her. He kissed her good. Well, two good ones bookended between one of those tight lip pecks. But we’ll take it! WHOO HOO!
ROSE CEREMONY
Andy thinks Amber may be insecure and immature. She gives him a chocolate wrapper and he is better.
He loves Bev’s dress and tells her, after literally looking down her cleavage, that there is evident electricity between them
He has no affection with Tina and is not excited to meet her Mom or brother.
Tess thanks Andy for her date and in the middle of her soliloquy, he interrupts her with a kiss.
Dani wants him to know that she is in to him. He says he feels it. I’m going to have to take his word on this.
Our two insecure bachelorettes, Amber and Bev, sneak into the bureau room and cry about how they hate their bureau pictures. They can’t find our Host Chris to complain, so they leave post-it notes for him.
Andy gives Steph a second chance to prove she is worthy of playing this game. Again, she waves as it passes her by.
Classic Quote of the Night #4
Andy: “I’m a doctor. I’m a Navy Lieutenant. I’m an Iron Man. But this is the hardest thing I’ve ever done.”
Please.
To no one’s surprise, the lieutenant chooses:
Tess
Bevin
Amber
Danielle
At this point in the game, I’m sure we are all thinking it is going to be Tess. ABC will have to really throw us some curve balls in the next few episodes to keep my interest. Home town dates always have potential with the introduction of new supporting casts…crazy Moms, weird siblings, protective Dads…it’s all good. And who can resist the Forgo Card dates?
All about the shame, not the fame,
Lincee
What better way to start off a day of fun in the sun on the lieutenant’s yacht, than by partaking in some early morning calisthenics on the deck! We see Andy doing some push ups on the ladder handles. And stretching. Lots of stretching. Luckily the ABC intern read my recap last week and took it upon himself to make the good doctor look good on national TV and handed him a beer before the limo of ladies arrived at his dock. In a bottle. No straw. Nice.
The girls are super psyched about sailing on Andy’s (ABC’s) yacht. Steph talks about the air and the smells. Bev screeches like a four-year-old girl when she spots the seals on a buoy. Dani marvels at a flock of sea gulls. Tess rambles on about her pet peeve of thin socks on carpet. Amber hates clapping in movie theaters. And Tina picks cilantro out of our boy’s teeth. With her fingernail. In the middle of a conversation with Tess and Amber. Fingernail. Picking. Teeth. Cilantro. Crazy.
Classic Quote of the Night #1
Amber: “Tina just does things…that some of us…wouldn’t do.”
You think?
Andy escapes the brunettes and heads over to the blond table. Steph and Dani are smiling blankly. They have both admitted they are afraid Bev is going to steal the Bachelor: O&G away on this date. It is supposed to be a group. She is not following the rules.
This is the part where I wonder if they knew what they were signing up for.
Bev doesn’t disappoint. She tells Andy that she has been eyeing the two kayaks on the yacht since she boarded and would love to go try them out with Andy. Being the triathlete that he is, our boy is up for the task.
Dani and Steph sit and smile.
Andy straps Bev into her life vest. He claims that she needs the vest in case he tips the kayak over.
Classic Quote of the Night #2
Bev: “Don’t worry. I’m not afraid of drownding. As long as you give me mouth-to-mouth.”
Drownding. Ding. Drownding. Bless her heart.
They kayak around in the ocean. She leans over onto his kayak for a hug. She deliberately falls out of her kayak so that he can save her with some mouth-to-mouth action. They return to Andy’s (ABC’s) yacht dripping wet. She barricades him against the back of the yacht and proceeds to straddle him in a make out session with the rest of the Blond Ambition tour eavesdropping from above.
They come up for air.
Everyone else is wrapped in their blankets. The Brunettes are asleep together in a pile. Too bad they missed the beautiful sunset on the way back.
STEPH ONE-ON-ONE
Andy wants Steph to show her true colors. He wants to have her explain why she is on the journey. So he takes her to a winery. They are going to make their own unique blend.
Classic Quote of the Night #3:
Andy: “You can take this to the next level and it can represent romance. A little bit of Andy. A little bit of Stephanie. It tastes beautiful. Like you.”
Unfortunately, the awkwardness did not end there. Wine guy said they had to make a label for their unique Stephandy blend. They are taken to a big blank canvas surrounded by paints and are told to create a masterpiece!
Flicking of paint here. Sloshing of pain there. The canvas comes off of the easel. Stephandy decides to use their hands instead of brushes.
And here is the moment. I just shivered thinking about it.
Our boy started out with a semi-decent idea of taking Steph’s hand, dripping in paint, into his own hand. I’m thinking yellow and blue make green perhaps? No no. Too elementary my dear friends. He slaps the hands together. Has a moment of brain freeze not knowing where to go from here. Being the patriotic Navy boy he is, he heads straight for the fall back…place your hand on your heart. And then they kiss.
What in the world? Not only was that lame, but now Steph has a huge hand print on her boob. And it’s not even Andy’s hand print to make the other girls jealous! I can see the poor ABC intern now…shaking his head in disappointment.
The wine guy takes a Polaroid of the canvas and tapes it to the Stephandy blend. They share the bottle with dinner. Andy hopes that Steph will take this time to really open up and prove that she wants to be here. Not so much.
Andy: “Tell me about your dreams.”
Steph: “I have many.”
Silence.
Andy: “When you get out of bed, what’s driving you?”
Steph: “I don’t know.”
Silence.
Andy: “Career wise, what are you looking forward to?”
Steph: “Hmmm. I don’t know.”
Lincee: Rolling her eyes.
Andy blames the fact that Steph knows nothing on her age. He is concerned that she doesn’t know what she wants in life.
Lincee thinks that Steph is done.
Meanwhile at the mansion, Amber wants to know why Bev is so upset. Bev explains in short sentences between bursts of tears that she has feelings for Andy. She doesn’t understand why she is in to a guy that likes 23-year-olds. Amber battles back saying that she raised her siblings and is a very mature 23-year-old. Bevin stomps her feel, tears up and screams at the top of her lungs that she is mature too and hurls herself out the back door to the veranda.
The ABC psychotherapist chases after her for a confessional. The emotions are flying. “The guy I’m dating is dating so many other women…it makes me feel desperate. At my age, I feel ridiculous. I feel like an idiot. The chances are it won’t be me. He has to come on my hometown date so I can tell him I’ve been divorced. There has been no time before now to do that. Sure I spent an entire afternoon with him at the hospital when I broke my ankle, and cried on his shoulder for 30 minutes in Tahoe about my ankle right before my super special time in his hotel room where he tried to run his fingers through my helmet hair and just kayaked with him by myself, but I have not had one-on-one time and it is unfair. I hate Tessa. WHY MEEEEEEEE???”
The ABC psychotherapist gives her Lexapro and sends her off to bed.
SMALL GROUP DATE
Amber
Tina
Bevin
Dani
The girls are going to renovate a playground at a school. Andy is going to take this time to see how the girls react to children and community involvement. Amber works on a hopscotch. Dani talks about wanting two kids while teaching Andy how to highlight painted roses. Tina talks about how she feels she is back in high school while living with the other girls. The lieutenant tells her that being cool is all about perspective. Lincee laughs. They work hard as a team and are excited to see the kids enjoy their project. Too bad little Judy got paint all over her shoes due to wet hopscotch and little Tommy crashed on his Big Wheel because of a misplaced bolt in the brake. Other than that…SUCCESS!
Dani is worried that Bev is going to take one-on-one time again. Amber wants Andy to meet her kids at her school in Texas. Tina is talking to the other “drummers with a different beat” kids telling them it doesn’t get better when they grow up. And Bev shows that she is not a complete moron when it comes to little people.
ONE-ON-ONE WITH TESS
Andy requested this date with Tessa. Why? Because of the chase. Andy tells the camera that he wants HER to know that HE’S the man for her.
Well played Tess.
He gives her two million dollars worth of diamonds for the night. Looks super cute with her tank top and jeans. Bev has a meltdown.
They run by Nicole Miller and try on ever dress in the store. I’m sure he’s bored as all get out. She finally decides on a red number. You know which song swells in the background. Andy says she’s sexy. They eat in a garden with the rain trickling in the background. They talk about snuggling in bed when it rains and how romantic the notion is. The conversation is easy and real. They both truly believe that this weird circumstance called The Bachelor just might work! Who cares about the nine other times before, 10 might just be the charm!
Tess decides to put herself out there since Andy is so open and honest. She confesses that it takes her longer to get comfortable and trust someone. For the first time, our Bachelor: O&G does not have a toothy grin, cocked eyebrow or furrowed brow. He’s actually nervous as to what Tess has to say.
He tells her his heart is full and asks twice where she came from. I don’t know what he meant by that, but I can report what I do know:
He kissed her. He kissed her good. Well, two good ones bookended between one of those tight lip pecks. But we’ll take it! WHOO HOO!
ROSE CEREMONY
Andy thinks Amber may be insecure and immature. She gives him a chocolate wrapper and he is better.
He loves Bev’s dress and tells her, after literally looking down her cleavage, that there is evident electricity between them
He has no affection with Tina and is not excited to meet her Mom or brother.
Tess thanks Andy for her date and in the middle of her soliloquy, he interrupts her with a kiss.
Dani wants him to know that she is in to him. He says he feels it. I’m going to have to take his word on this.
Our two insecure bachelorettes, Amber and Bev, sneak into the bureau room and cry about how they hate their bureau pictures. They can’t find our Host Chris to complain, so they leave post-it notes for him.
Andy gives Steph a second chance to prove she is worthy of playing this game. Again, she waves as it passes her by.
Classic Quote of the Night #4
Andy: “I’m a doctor. I’m a Navy Lieutenant. I’m an Iron Man. But this is the hardest thing I’ve ever done.”
Please.
To no one’s surprise, the lieutenant chooses:
Tess
Bevin
Amber
Danielle
At this point in the game, I’m sure we are all thinking it is going to be Tess. ABC will have to really throw us some curve balls in the next few episodes to keep my interest. Home town dates always have potential with the introduction of new supporting casts…crazy Moms, weird siblings, protective Dads…it’s all good. And who can resist the Forgo Card dates?
All about the shame, not the fame,
Lincee
I'm in oil and gas PR...does that make sense to you?
Along with every other person who cares about the oil and gas industry, I am at the Offshore Technology Conference. I'm at the double-decker FMC Technology booth right now in an UPSTAIRS conference room writing this message. I thought I would have time to write the recap this morning, but opted for sleep instead. Your head gets tired when you talk about next generation sub-sea trees for eight hours straight. Oh...and have you heard about the new K-box that Canrig rolled out?
I'll stop bragging now.
Recap later tonight. At least it's not tomorrow. Hang in there with me!
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