Mamma Mia! The Movie international trailer #1

Brad on Ellen TOMORROW

Just got a sweet phone call from my boss' wife saying that Brad is going to be on Ellen tomorrow. Tune in and let's discuss!

Mary, Mary...Why You Buggin'?

Bless her heart...

After the Final Rose

Our host Chris Harrison: “Two women left it tears. Brad remains a Bachelor. It was the ending the shocked America.”

I beg to differ my friend. Check out my blog. About a thousand people guessed that he wouldn’t pick either girl on the comments page. America is not THAT shocked.

But America is pretty pissy. And America wants answers!

Things we learned from last night’s After the Final Rose:

1. Trista and Ryan are still made for each other.
Our first Bachelor success couple made their way to the stage wearing jeans and t-shirts. They are so over this Bachelor thing, they don’t even feel the need to dress up. Trista, carrying cute baby Max, talks about how Ryan was climbing a mountain in Argentina when she found out she was pregnant. She discusses the show with Uncle Chris says she feels bad for everyone. I thought Ryan was mute until he took the baby and talked about throwing baseballs and catching frogs. He’s still hot. Not hotter than crap like Brad. But close.

2. Mary Mary and Butchwax are still together?
What in the world? Where did they dig them up? Mary Mary is a professional fisher woman now. I bet Butchwax loves that. Now they can be TOGETHER ALL THE TIME! There’s still a ring…and after two and a half years, there’s a date. November. I’m assuming 2008. I half expected Hanna Montana to come out and start singing to pimp her new album, but she didn’t. I guess Butchwax really isn’t Billy Ray Cyrus.

3. Jenni is going to be FINE!
Her sweet Grandma passed away two weeks ago. I feel she’s probably seeing life in a different perspective right now and could care less about Brad. ABC shows a touching montage of Grandma and I cry like a seven-year-old. Our host asks if she felt Brad was dishonest with her feelings. She graciously answers that there were little things that got her hopes up and concludes that when she saw DD get the boot, she was disappointed in Brad and lost a little respect for him.

4. I don’t know if you caught this while watching, but DD is confused. And maybe a touch angry. I’m just saying.
She expected a proposal. She doesn’t know what happened. She felt like her heart was stabbed. She thought it was rude for him to tell her he didn’t pick Jenni. She still has feelings. Pissed that he didn’t choose either one. Aggravated that he told Jenni that there was something missing, but she had the total package…and he STILL WALKED AWAY! WHY? SHE WANTS TO KNOW WHY!?! It’s not fair that she had to spend two months knowing he didn’t pick either girl. Torture for her to fake smile when people approached her and said, “I think he picks you!” But as stupid as it sounds, she still has a glimmer of hope that he won’t let her walk away for a second time.

5. Brad gets “booo’d” by the AFR audience. Nice. Now THAT is Bachelor history.
Brad says that it is hard to explain why he didn’t fall in love. He reminds us that his heart was broken too. He doesn’t have a formula for falling in love and didn’t want to give either girl false hope. There just weren’t any butterflies. We learn that ABC flew DD’s Dad out for Brad to get permission to marry her. AND IT WAS BRAD’S IDEA! He said up until the final moment he was desperately trying to make things happen. That’s why he bought the engagement ring. But a gut feeling told him it wasn’t right. He feels like a jerk. He knows he has problems. And for the record, he doesn’t have any children, is not gay and is not currently dating an ex-girlfriend.

6. Jenni wears cheeky hipster panties from Gap Body.
I know this because I saw her butt when she attacks Brad with a big huge hug. He whispers that he is sorry about her Grandma. She high fives him. He puts his arm around her, takes it away, puts his hand on her knee, takes it away. The audience laughs. Jenni calls it the friend pat. Our host Chris asks Jenni if she has any questions. And she asks the one we are all wondering. “If you had such strong feelings, what made you not want to take a chance on one of us?”

Exactly.

Brad says that it is hard to explain why he didn’t fall in love. He reminds us that his heart was broken too. He doesn’t have a formula for falling in love and didn’t want to give false hope. There just weren’t any butterflies. He thought he showed respect by walking away. Jenni doesn’t buy it and is convinced he is scared to commit.

7. DD is clearly not over Brad.
She looks like she’s going to choke him when she enters the stage. Very nervous, her question is the same as Jenni’s question. And our host’s question.

“You had two great girls. Most guys don’t even have one. Why couldn’t you choose?”

Brad says that it is hard to explain why he didn’t fall in love. He reminds us that his heart was broken too. He doesn’t have a formula for falling in love and didn’t want to give false hope. There just weren’t any butterflies.

DD rolls her eyes at our host Chris Harrison and asks him to please come up with another answer. She tells him that she was never led to believe that this wasn’t for real. He clears his throat and continues.
Brad: “There just wasn’t anything there.”
DD: (responding loudly) “BUT THERE WAS SOMETHING THERE! WHY WALK AWAY COMPLETELY?”

Brad: “I’m just as heartbroken as you are.”
DD: “Good. I’d like to think it breaks your heart for me to sit here and still be crying. I think of you every single day…what does that mean? You are still willing to let me walk away?”

Brad: “I’m confident in my decision.”
Lincee: Noooooooooo he didn’t.
DD: “Nothing makes sense…”
Brad: “Fair enough.”
Lincee: Is that an appropriate response? Could somebody bring Chad out here to fix this mess?

DD: “You are willing to let me walk out of your life a second time?”
Brad: “I can’t apologize for not falling in love.”
Long uncomfortable pause.

DD: “I need answers and closure and this still doesn’t make sense.”
Extremely long uncomfortable pause. Awkward. Very awkward. They still aren’t talking.

DD: “The one person I trusted broke my heart.”
LOTS OF SILENCE. This is pause is going on forever. Why isn’t someone talking? Our host Chris is torturing Brad. Seriously. I’ve just gotten up and made myself a turkey sandwich and they are starring in awkward silence.

Brad: “I swear that I thought I was taking the high road.”
DD: “I seriously thought you wouldn’t let me walk out again.”

It is at this point our host Chris Harrison finally jumps in and clues DD in:

OurHCH: “I don’t think you are ever going to get the answer you are looking for
DDAHnna.”
DD: “Apparently not.”
Ouch.

Then, idiot Brad hugs DD goodbye and whispers, “I’ll miss you more than you will ever know.”

Jerk.

A lot of people have asked me what I think about his decision…if he should have picked one girl after all of that. I have several theories I’m happy to share with you. Take your pick:

1. He truly was not in love and didn’t want to fake propose or fake date either girl. So why did he say what he said to each girl?

2. He doesn’t like people to be upset or mad at him. He’s an approval addict. Must be liked and loved by everyone. Is willing to do anything to keep that balance.

3. He definitely has commitment issues.

4. He is a romantic and believes that true love…the marrying kind…does not require any work. If butterflies are not there…it’s just not meant to be.

5. His business partners talked him into going on the show to get some publicity for the bars. I don’t think he became the Bachelor for free advertising. I think he agreed thinking it would be a nice bonus…should he find the woman of his dreams. His romantic fairy-tale dream woman. Kind of like Barbie or Cinderella.

6. I think he tried to be sincere, but it backfired.

So where does that leave us? Angry? Feeling like we wasted an entire Bachelor season with no payoff?

I say…eh.

It wasn’t that bad. This season brought us crazy Hillary and her BEEP’ing potty mouth. Sweet Sheena. A wonder twin switcheroo. Solista and her pole. Stephen King. And a hotter than crap Bachelor.

It was also the season I will forever remember as the one that pushed me to a million hits on my blogsite.

Now that is something to be thankful for!

I’m off to NYC. Got a message from Straight Guy # 1 that he is in the Big Apple too. We are going to meet at the top of the Empire State Building and discuss all things Bachelor. I’ll tell him you said hi.

Here’s hoping that the new Bachelor is not a chach and that the girls are just crazy enough for us to love them. For those of you who are only here for the Bachelor, I’ll see you next year. For those who are here for me, I’ll be posting on www.ihategreenbeans.blogspot.com a few times a week.

Until then, I’m all about the shame, not the game,

Lincee

Anyone up for a road trip to Austin?

Who feels robbed?

Well…besides Jenni Couric and DDAHnna, but that’s a given.

I feel robbed because my viewing pleasure was RUINED last night by my own ignorance. Hate it when that happens.

I volunteer on Monday nights and always rush home afterwards to watch Dancing with the Stars, the Bachelor and Chuck (in that order) from about 9:00 to 11:00. That’s right. Three one-hour shows in two hours. This is why you must have a TiVo or DVR people. It’s a time SAVER…not a time waster.

So club ran a little late last night. I got home around 9:45. Called my sister to see what her reaction was to the final rose. She too, being a smart person, was watching a digital recording of the show and was telling me how bored she was. We were visiting about my upcoming Thanksgiving trip to New York City and how ticked off I am that Broadway is black this week when it happened.

Like an idiot, I started flipping through the TV channels absent-mindedly. And there was DDAHnna crying in a limo. OH I was so mad. I enjoy the suspense. I like being surprised. And I had just ruined it for myself.

I hang up on Jamie laughing her butt off at me, search for my laptop to take notes when my phone rings again. It’s my pregnant friend Karen who has been on bed rest for about 88 months.

Lincee: “Are you in labor? Has the baby come?”
Karen (sounding weepy): “No. I just want to know what you thought.”

Lincee: “I haven’t watched it yet. Are you crying?”
Karen: “Just a little.”

Lincee: “Is it that dramatic? Or are these your crazy hormones talking?”
Karen: “Well, I’ve been feeling some pressure this evening. We’ve been contemplating if I should go to the hospital, but I wanted to watch the last 10 minutes of the show. Call me when you are done.”

That’s a true fan ladies and gentlemen. FYI: Karen did not have her baby. The pressure went away. She is a crazy prego woman, but you’ll be happy to know that she and Ryan have decided to name the baby Chad Brad. Or Christopher Harris.

So now I’ve punched play and have just been told by our host Chris Harrison that this is the most dramatic finale in Bachelor history when the phone rings AGAIN. It’s Jamie.

I punch pause. Again.

Jam: “Are you watching this?”
Lincee: “Trying to.”
Jam: “Call me when you are done.”

Interesting…I’ve received two “call me when you are done” so something exciting must happen. SWEETNESS!

Then little boxes start popping up on my computer.

YOU HAVE A FACEBOOK MESSAGE
YOU HAVE A FACEBOOK MESSAGE
INBOX GMAIL MESSAGE
INBOX GMAIL MESSAGE
YOU HAVE A FACEBOOK MESSAGE

Needless to say, I had pumped myself up for some serious drama. Our host Chris Harrison wouldn’t lie to me!

SIMPLE DISCLAIMER

The following information you are about to read is of personal opinion. You probably aren’t even reading this because the simple disclaimer has been a part of my recap since the days I emailed this puppy to just a few of my closer friends. HA! Fooled you. You’ve skipped this witty banter and will not know what in the world your friends are talking about when they say, “Did you like the new disclaimer Lincee did?” However, if you or someone on your Facebook page happens to personally know, sort of know, know the brother/cousin of, thought you saw in the grocery store buying spaghetti O’s or have a Pilates instructor that looks exactly like one of the Bachelorettes on the show...none of this is personal and I'm sure they are all lovely people.


Meeting the Womacks

We see Brad drinking coffee from his beach house balcony looking mighty sad. He is confused. Poor thing is head over heels for two women and doesn’t know what to do.

Luckily, wonder twin Chad, other brother Wes and Mamma Pam are to the rescue! They will help Brad choose the love of his life!

Brad: “You guys are really going to love DDAHnna. She’s strong and independent.”
Mamma Pam: “Where’s she from?”

Brad: “She’s from Atlanta.”
Mamma Pam: “HOT DOG! A Southern girl. Does she eat grits?”

Before Brad can answer that important question, the doorbell rings. Brad jumps up and runs to let one of the loves of his life in to meet the family.

Brad: “Guys…this is DeAHnna…not DeANNa. She’ll get mad at you if you mess it up. And I’m not playing. She’s a bit sensitive to her name.”
Mamma Pam: “Well, I can’t get all that straight. I’m going to jump right in and call you DD. Or Sweetheart. How about Sugar Plum?”

Wonder Twin: “Hi. I’m Brad. SYKE!”
Other brother: Rolls eyes and gives thanks that he got the brains of the family.

The group heads to the balcony to have drinks. Mamma Pam is excited to see that Brad is really into Sugar Plum. Brad tells the brothers that DDAHnna tended bars for eight years and that if she is chosen, they will not only gain a sister-in-law, but an employee. Everyone laughs. Wonder Twin and Other Brother run off to find a football. Mamma Pam talks about how one cup of sugar should be added to all baking ingredients. And DDAHnna allows herself to think about her wedding for exactly 10 seconds as Brad affectionately brushes her hair behind her ear.

Mamma Pam and Sugar Plum have some alone time. They talk about how she’s in love, wants a big family and how she is hoping for a proposal. Mamma Pam is SOLD and is eager to get back to her boys to spread the good news!

Unfortunately, boys will be boys and that moment never arrives. Wonder Twin and Other Brother shove Brad in the pool and then jump in after him.

This makes me love the Womacks even more! And DDAHnna agrees with me. She said it was good to see him not so serious.

A dripping wet, hotter than crap Brad walks DDAHnna to her waiting SUV. He feels bad that he can’t hug her and give her a proper goodbye. Lincee thinks DDAHnna is an idiot for not grabbing him in a long embrace and making out right there, but those are my issues I have to deal with. He says he will miss her. She says she loved his family. She confesses to the camera that she feels like she could be his wife and that it’s scary that he may not choose her.

Back in the Bachelor pad, we see Brad and Chad in clean, dry clothes. Poor Other Brother has a little more girth than the twins and was not able to raid Brad’s closet. An irritated ABC intern is sent to the local Gap to purchase some clothes. We can’t have Other Brother walking around in a shorty robe, now can we?

Meanwhile, Jenni Couric bounds through the living room giving three cheers for the Womacks! Brad tells the camera that he is always on cloud nine when it comes to Jenni and as a result, hugged her forever. And then fixed her hair.

Does someone have a fetish? I think so!

The group goes out to the balcony to have some lunch. Mamma Pam asks Jenni if she has told Brad that she loves him. AWKWARD! Jenni says that she has not. Mamma Pam cocks her eyebrow at Jenni and requests some alone time so she can talk some sense into her.

Mamma Pam: “You know that old saying about how you are not marrying my family…you are marrying me? Well that’s not true in Brad’s case. You are marrying all of us and if I don’t pick a nickname for you in the first 10 minutes of meeting, you are on a very bad list young lady. Now let me ask you again…if Brad got down on one knee and asked you to marry him, what would you say?”
Jenni: “Yes! I love you! Let’s go right now!”

Mamma Pam: “That’s my Honey Bun. Let’s get back to the boys before they do something silly on national TV. I saw some irons in the shape of roses in the BBQ pit. I think Wonder Twin and Other Brother may try to brand my baby before you leave today. C’mon.”

Jenni: “Tossing the pigskin with the boys was so fun. I love being with Brad’s family. It makes everything so perfect. I’m ready to be a part of their family. Jennifer Dawn Womack. That sounds good, huh?”

Meanwhile, Brad needs some clarity. And where do you go to find clarity? Your Mamma.

Mamma Pam: “Are you in love?”
Brad: “I feel like I’m going to break two hearts…mine and the woman I don’t choose.”

Mamma Pam: “It was easier for me to talk to Sugar Plum. You’ve made this a difficult decision for all of us. Go get some straws and we’ll pick. Shortest goes home.”
Brad: “Thanks for nothing Mom.”


Alone Time with DDAHnna/Sugar Plum

DDAHnna sees herself marrying Brad, living happily ever after and cooking lasagna for him every night.

Brad: “It smells good in here!”
DDAH: “I baked!”
Lincee: Where the crap are they?

Brad: “This lasagna is good. So good.”
DDAH: “I’ll be crushed if you don’t pick me.”
Lincee: Seriously. Is this some random apartment complex that ABC has taken over for the day?

Brad: “I have very strong feelings. You are everything I’ve always looked for in a woman. You will be an incredible wife and better mother.”
DDAH: “It’s reassuring to know that you are thinking ahead.”
Lincee: I’m convinced this is the “option A” model floor plan.

Brad: “So are you going to yell at me when I leave the toilet seat up?”
DDAH: “I’ll let it slide one or twice. Then we have to talk. Same with the dishes and laundry. We have to do it my way.”
Lincee: Does anyone decorate with hunter green, maroon and navy blue anymore? And why are they talking about toilets?

Brad: “I want to be honest with you.”
DDAH: “I want to be happy. I want this for the rest of my life. That’s what scares me. I am falling in love with you and see myself marrying you. If you do not choose me, you choose the wrong person.”
Lincee: SNAP!


Alone Time with Jenni Couric

Brad: “Tonight, I have to put DDAHnna out of my mind and focus on Jenni.”
JC: “Today, I’ve been a huge mess. It’s the last time I get to see him before he makes huge decision.”
Lincee: Then why are you serving him peas?

JC: “When it comes to me, you have nothing to be scared about.” (Followed by a flood of tears and a bunch of apologizing and saying, “I’m sorry!”)
Brad: “Look…scoot next to me…don’t apologize. You have nothing to be sorry about.”
Lincee: You don’t get many “scoot next to me” in this day and age. Again. Why I heart Brad.

Then there was a bunch of boring talk about feelings and being scared and chopsticks and being real with each other and more apologizing and a bit of ugly crying to round out the night.

Finally.

And then she brings out a journal that she wrote for him. Here we go again…

Bunch apprehension that he’ll think she’s goofy, talk about how she loves everything about him and wants Brad in her life, etc.

Then she takes a deep breath and tells him she is falling in love.

That turns into another long soliloquy of Jenni Couric literally pouring her heart out to Brad through tears, gasps, gulps, snot and sweat. It was a beautiful thing.

Brad then goes to pick out an engagement ring. The best part about this two minute segment was the 15 seconds we saw of him getting dressed.


Final Rose

Brad tells the camera that he knows what he’s going to do and is confident in the decision he has made. It’s all about following his heart. It’s the most difficult thing he has ever done.

Limo pulls up. Our host Chris Harrison opens the door and extends his hand to Jenni.

Brad: “How are you?”
JC: “Good, you?”
Brad: “Good.”

I figure she probably knows at this point.

Brad: “I’m standing here looking at somebody that brings out a different side of me. And I hate to say this, but I want something more that I can’t find with us. Never thought I’d tell you goodbye…but here I am…and it breaks my heart. Please look at me. I want you to know how much I care and how much this hurts me. If you have anything to say, please say it.”
JC: “I can’t. I feel embarrassed for telling you how I felt.”

Brad: “There is nothing embarrassing about a person telling someone how they feel. It’s only on ABC which happens to be on national TV. But most people are probably watching Monday Night Football right now. So don’t worry. No one will remember this by the time you dance for the Phoenix Suns. A new Bachelor will be on in the spring to waste everyone’s time. Come here to me and give me a hug.”

Brad puts Jenni in the car and watches her drive away. He tells the camera that there is not a single thing he’s looking for in his ideal wife that DDAHnna does not possess. He then says, “It makes me more nervous for what I’m about to do.”

In true ABC trickeration, the sound guy plays romantic piano music when our host Chris Harrison leads DDAHnna to the guillotine.

Brad: “You look beautiful.”
DD: Looking scared.

Brad: “I told someone I was done when I saw you for the first time.”
DD: Looking hopeful.

Brad: “Remember when you said marriage is one time and one time only…I feel exact same way.”
DD: Smile spreading across her face in excitement.

Brad: “I just said goodbye to Jenni…”
DD: Wave of relief on her face!

Why Brad? Why in the WORLD did you start your breakup sentence with, “I just said goodbye to Jenni.”

Bless DD’s heart.

Then he starts fiddling with the tie. Pulling at the collar. She’s amused for a split second thinking it’s endearing because he is nervous to propose. She then realizes that this is what he does when he’s disappointed someone. She was there for the Hillary debacle. Remember? THE MOST DRAMATIC EXIT IN BACHELOR HISTORY! He leaves the proposal pedestal (sponsored by Home Depot) and starts pacing the enchanted garden. Poor DD has a deer in the headlights look. She knows this can’t be good. He returns to his spot, marked clearly by the ABC intern with a piece of blue electrical tape and begins his speech:

“I look at you and see so many things that I never thought I would have in my entire life. I have so many feelings for you and I want so badly to be confident to pick you up and twirl you around and give you a diamond ring. But I can’t look you in your eye and tell you I love you. Can’t give you a promise that I can’t keep. I refuse to do that. I have to tell you goodbye.”

I would have given $1,000 to see DD hop off the Home Depot pedestal and start pacing before she responded. That would have been classic.

Instead, she asks very smart questions:

DD: “How you can say goodbye? I guess my feelings are different. Am I a friend?”
Brad: “No…not at all. Love means so much to me. I refuse to give you false promises.”

DD: “That doesn’t sound right. If you care about someone, how can you watch them walk away?”
Brad: “I never meant to hurt you.”
DD: “Well I’m hurting.”

Brad: “Do you know how much I care about you?”
DD: “No I don’t. I thought I did. Until just now. (Hold it together DD.) I thought I had it all figured out. This is why I never wear my heart on my sleeve.”
Brad (teary eyed): “Don’t say that to me. Come here to me.”

Poor DD turns her head away from the camera and sobs in Brad’s shoulder. Little did she know that there was a secret bush camera and we saw the whole thing. But she held herself high with as much dignity as any of us would have in that situation I think.

DD: “So what happens when you regret your decision?”
Lincee: Saucy!
Brad: “I have to walk you out right now.”

Brutal Brad. Was the rent up on the bachelor pad or something? Did you have to pack up and head back to Austin because the bar business is doing so well with your new found fame? Or is it that you can’t handle the pressure of a broken heart? Need to go sit on the Home Depot pedestal and stare at the engagement ring for a good 30 seconds while the crane camera pulls away for a wide shot? Yeah…that’s what I would do too.

And don’t your hearts go out to Jenni and DD? Bless their hearts. DD’s poor lonely walk down the hallway to her hotel room. Just tragic.

I say Brad is an okay guy. My theory is that he was approached in his bar to be the next Bachelor. Having probably never heard of the show, he did some research and learned that it NEVER works out. He called a meeting of the minds with his partners Wonder Twin and Other Brother. They ran some numbers and thought it would be good for business to partake of this little reality show. Worse case scenario, he makes ABC write into his contract that he doesn’t have to pretend propose or pretend date the girl. Best case scenario, he finds someone that he is legitimately interested in.

Does he have commitment issues? That wouldn’t surprise me if it were true. Is he a heart breaker? I don’t think on purpose. I think he went in to the show with a view of fun and 15 minutes of fame for his business. I think he came out feeling like a door knob and probably regretting he agreed to do it in the first place.

I guess we will find out more tonight during AFTER THE FINAL ROSE!

All about the shame, not the fame,
Lincee

Who's PUMPED?!?!

This picture means nothing to me.

I have no clue who he is going to pick.

Five more hours!

Women Tell All…And They Don’t Hold Back

The “Women Tell All” episode is always fun for me. For once, I don’t feel like I have to take extensive notes to remember all the juicy details. Instead, I just make a list of all the crazy things these media hungry girls say on national TV.

So I thought it would be fun to just write out…verbatim…what was in my notes.

WARNING: This might be a bit random.

- Seriously…the twin thing again?
- Our host Chris Harrison is so cute and witty.
- Hillary said that Brad is hotter than David Beckham.

Close...but not cigar. No one can mess with Becks.

- The word “b!tch” was uttered 14 times in that montage. Classy ladies!
- Someone said that Solisa is a slut. You think? Nice boob shot. Nice butt shot. Nice boob/butt shot. Nice body shot. Nice topless shot. Nice crotch shot.
- McNasty smells like a fish taco?

- Our host Chris Harrison asks McCracken if she was a bully. McCracken says that she and DDAHnna were just straight forward and mature. She then called someone a b!tch and turns to pout to her neighbor, realizes it is Hillary and sticks her tongue out at her.
- Stephy tells McCracken, “If you don’t have anything nice to say, don’t say at all.” McCracken has to be smacked on the back of the head so her eyeballs return to the proper placement in her eye sockets.
- Sarah wants to know why McCracken was so rude to her. McCracken simply states, “I don’t want to be friends with you.” Sarah calls her a ho skank. Let’s take that phrase to the bank readers! You don’t get ho skank anymore! Spread it around!
- McCracken said that all Jade and Hillary did was talk about her and DDAHnna. She thanks the girls for wasting “air time” on them. SNAP!
- Our host Chris Harrison plays the b-roll footage of Hillary comparing Bettina to an old used car…one you have to kick to make sure it runs. Bettina smiles blankly. Hillary laughs like an idiot and says she was drunk. McCracken says that she should have said that comment to Bettina’s face. Hillary pulls McCracken’s hair and says, “I stayed a week longer than you beyotch” and follows up with something resembling, “Neener, neener , neener!”

And that was just the first five minutes.

I think there are 1.2 million candles on the set.

Hillary in the hot seat:
- She’s still an idiot.
- Thanks ABC for showing us the footage of Hillary talking about chemistry and how Brad could be her best friend, lover and husband.
- Look! There’s the fake wedding dress that is two sizes too small! Nothing like a good heaving moment and feeling your boobs under your chin. I think I just saw a nip!
- Our host Chris Harrison asks Bettina why she cried almost every time she was with Brad. Hillary answers, “I know! What was that about? They should have given me PMS medicine.” They? Who are they? PROOF ladies and gentleman that there is INDEED an ABC psychotherapist.
- Our host Chris Harrison also points out that the “f” word was thrown around a lot. Friend. (Oh Chris…you sly dog.) He wonders how she didn’t see that coming? Hillary wonders why Brad didn’t tell her at the pool party. CHRIS HARRISON CLASSIC LINE NUMBER ONE: “Uhm…I think he did. Other than writing a sky writer to say, ‘Hil…we are just friends.’ Let’s face it. Even if he did you’d probably think, ‘Oh! He’s proposing!”

THAT, my friends, is what we need more of on The Bachelor. Our host Chris Harrison shooting from the hip. He and I together? Golden. I’m waiting for my call ABC producers.


Bettina in the hot seat:
- Our host Chris Harrison talks about Bettina’s emotional journey and how she was the controversial one of the group
- The girls feel that she was totally different in front of Brad
- There’s her Stephen King Dad again…laughing at Brad’s empty brain
- Our host Chris Harrison brings up how she was jealous of Sheena’s date. Sheena says that she would have been happy sitting on a towel in the parking lot. Who doesn’t love this girl?
- Bettina admits that she was totally surprised she got a rose after watching hometown date. She knows that Brad felt judged, but quite frankly she says she was a little turned off by Brad. She felt he was attacking her family and defends their attitude toward him

Spoken like a girl who came in third place. LOVED Brad’s reaction back stage to that comment. I’m sure he’s feeling complete confidence that booting Bettina was the right thing to do.

What the crap question of the night:
Random audience member to Bettina: Was it uncomfortable being intimate with Brad on your overnight date?



Sheena in the hot seat:
- Sheena gets a kudos montage of her freaking out about wonder twin Chad’s lack of blond ear hair. Can we please, PLEASE, step away from the ear hair? If I hear the infamous poem…so help me…
- We also see a video montage of her falling down the stairs and ugly crying. She talks about jumping down a rabbit hole too. She does resemble Alice in Wonderland, but I’m not sure that was the analogy they were going for.


Wonder Twin Chad in the hot seat:
- Sweet wonder twin Chad talks about how he and his brother look nothing alike. He knows that Brad is the good looking one. Did you not want to pick him up and rock him back and forth and call him your own? Just me?
- Our host Chris talks about the girls who had no idea he was a twin. Mainly fetus Sarah and other fetus Lindsey. Both claimed that they just trusted he was who he said he was. Poor Lindsey was confused as to why he was shorter.
- Wonder twin Chad said that Sheena exudes class. He said when you are genuine, you can’t hide it. All together now…AWWWWWWWWWWW!

Brad in the hot seat:
- He’s hotter than crap.
- Question from Hillary: “Obviously watching the show, I got it that we were just friends. I wish you were little bit more jugular…you were skirting around the issue. CHRIS HARRISON CLASSIC LINE NUMBER TWO: “Maybe you could have sported a tattoo that says Just Friends?” Hotter than crap Brad responds, “I do love you to death. I think more highly of you than you realize.” Not sure that was the appropriate answer for the psycho hyperventilating chick Brad. What’s that number again? The one for the restraining order store? You might want to put that on speed dial.
- Question from Bettina: “I know you felt judged by family. So why the heck did you give me a rose?” Hotter than crap Brad responds: “Because of you not your family.”

Seriously? Could he be more perfect? (Read like Chandler Bing.)


Bachelorettes Gone Wild reel:
- Solisa says she is shy. Video reveals that she might be for hire. Nice pole.
- In a brilliant move that will forever be one of the best WTA moments in Bachelor history, ABC chooses to show the Hillary “X-Rated” voice over of how she plans to have the Bachelor ravish her. Eighteen seconds of constant beeps and mouth blurs. The camera cuts from the b-roll, to an embarrassed Hillary, to a blushing Brad, back to snickering Chris, a laughing Hillary, b-roll still playing, back to uncomfortable Brad, on to Chris looking at his watch and back to b-roll. CHRIS HARRISON CLASSIC LINE NUMBER THREE: (Uncomfortable pause for effect) “Do you want to rethink your decision?”

YES! HE NEEDS TO BE A BIGGER PART OF THIS SHOW! YOU CAN’T TEACH PEOPLE HOW TO COME UP WITH ZINGERS LIKE THAT!

Our host Chris looks at Brad and says, “You can’t tell us how this ends, but can you tell us if you are happy?”

Brad answers, “Absolutely not a single regret. Thank you, thank you, thank you very much.”

Such a southern gentleman. Swoon!

ABC thinks we are idiots, and play a reel from two years ago about what the next Bachelor needs to be. I was not fooled. Lots of past season girls saying things like, “Hot!” and “Rich!” and “Funny!” mixed in with current girls from this season.

Our final video montages are two quick clips about both Jenni and DDAHnna. Here’s what our hotter than crap Bachelor had to say about both:

Jenni: She is an incredible woman who loves life. She’s always smiling and I can’t keep my hands off of her. From day one I was very attracted.

DDAH: She blew me away. She’s the whole package…beautiful, intelligent and independent. She’s made it through tough circumstances in her life and I admire her strength. She makes me want to be a stronger person. She’s a strong southern girl with values.

A quick vote from our panel of booted Bachelorettes, and we find the score pretty even. Six think Jenni is the winner and five believe DDAHnna will get the ring.

What do I think? Tough to say. He’s constantly talks about following his heart. And his description of DDAHnna seemed very heart-felt. His thoughts on Jenni seem to be very physical.

This could be the power of ABC editing as well. They choose what we hear and see.

I’d like to believe he doesn’t pick either because he reads http://www.thebachelorrecaps.com/ and has fallen head over heels in love with me and my witty banter.

Hey…it could happen.

All about the shame, not the fame,
Lincee

Clarification...

One of the last questions of my previous posts was confusing to you readers but made TOTAL sarcastic sense in my head. Now that I've had a few days to clear my mind on a rig in the mountains of Wyoming, I see where you got confused.

Sadly, I was not invited to Women Tell All. I will be enjoying the musings of our host Chris Harrison just as you will...hiding behind a couch cushion in my living room while searching frantically for something to shove in my ears.

Here's looking forward to a marvelous train wreck!

This is a Test...

It’s taken me so long to write this recap because I’ve been staring at a blank screen for eight hours. Seriously. I’ve been experiencing heart palpitations because I have no idea what to write. Was the show even an hour long last night?
Don’t get me wrong…I love my future husband Brad Womack, but there was some definite snooze moments last night.

I guess the only thing to do is bring back a popular format from last season and check to see if ANYONE was paying attention to last night’s episode.

It’s test time!

Everyone have their number two pencils ready?

Date One
Jenni Couric

What was Jenni’s reaction when she found out they were going to swim with dolphins?
A. SHUT UP!
B. I’m scared!
C. I don’t want to look like a weenie!
D. All of the above.

What best describes Jenni’s bathing bottoms?
A. Cheetah print
B. Junior’s Department sale rack
C. Tiny kitten with a pink bow on its head
D. Non existent

What was your favorite underwater shot during the dolphin date?
A. Jenni and Brad’s flailing legs mercifully treading water
B. Jenni’s butt cheeks straddling the dolphin
C. Jenni’s crotch
D. Close-up of Jenni’s crotch

Quote from Brad: “I would love to spend the night with Jenni and get to know her in that way.” What do you think “that way” means to Brad?
A. That way her tongue feels down his throat
B. That way her snores sound like a buzz saw
C. That way her breath smells in the morning
D. Bow-chicka-bow-bow

True or False
Brad: “I will respect you in the morning.”


What was the “something special” that Brad had for Jenni in his pocket?
A. Forgo card fantasy suite invitation
B. A rose
C. Mr. Happy
D. A picture of Grandma Betty…OPAH!

Which part made Brad “most excited” during his date?
A. Jenni feeling in his pocket for something special.
B. Jenni asking Brad if that was a forgo card in his pocket or was he just happy to see her?
C. Jenni discovering the forgo card and tossing it across the room without reading its contents.
D. We don’t truly know because ABC had to edit it out for the children. No matter how many boob/crotch shots we saw this episode, this isn’t Cinemax people.

Which part was MOST SCRIPTED during the date?
A. Brad and Jenni lounging on the bed.
B. Seeing up Jenni’s skirt as she lounged on the bed.
C. Brad kicking the camera out of the room so he and Jenni can get it on.


Date Two
Bettina

Which object did Bettina most resemble last night?
A. Barbie
B. Toothpick

True or False
You actually give a crap that the sail boat was used in the American Cup Race.

Which best describes the amount of fabric used to create Bettina’s swimsuit?
A. One yard
B. One foot
C. Six inches
D. Dental floss

Which word was NOT used to describe Bettina in the course of the night?
A. Hot
B. Super hot
C. Beautiful
D. Plump

True or False?
It was lame that ABC used the same fantasy suites for each date, but tried to fake us out with the million blinding candles.

Bettina should NOT have done the following:
A. Work her father into the conversation
B. Telling Brad that moving to Austin would be difficult for her family
C. Leaning AWAY from the kiss in the steamy hot tub. (It’s official. She’s on crack.)
D. Told Brad she was falling in love.


Date Three
DeAHnna

Which interjection did Bettina NOT shout to Brad as they were racing dune buggies?
A. EAT MY DUST TURKEY!
B. YOU’RE LOOKING GOOD IN MY REAR VIEW MIRROR.
C. IF YOU NEED ME TO TEACH YOU HOW TO DRIVE, LET ME KNOW.
D. I refuse to be a weenie like Jenni Couric. He’s going down.

True or False:
DeAHnna: “In a normal relationship, you do spend the night and wake up together in each other’s arms.”

What did DeAHnna claim to know about her relationship with Brad?
A. I knew the minute I met you…it was right.
B. I knew there were crazy feelings when we kissed.
C. I knew when you left my house, you had my heart.
D. I knew that if I played my coy cards right, I’d be in the bottom two.

Who did Brad say he had a perfect night with?
A. Pick DeAHnna because that is the section we are on.
B. Jenni Couric
C. Bettina
D. Our host Chris Harrison


Rose Ceremony
Poor Brad is about to throw up. And that’s what I like about him. He compares his feelings with the weather…both tumultuous. (Take that SAT word Bettina’s Dad!)

He knows that someone is going to walk away with a broken heart. We all know that person is Bettina. Little Bets had no idea. I have to admit, I was on baited breathe myself. All the girls breathing heavily, including me and the ABC psychotherapist. It was a good 25 seconds before he called Jenni and another 14 before he called DeAHnna.

Brad walks Bets out to the courtyard. She says she is shocked. Brad says that this decision haunted him all day. Bettina decides that he didn’t pick her because it just wasn’t right and if he feels for Jenni and DeAHnna the way she feels for him, then so be it. Brad admits to the camera that it was just too much work. And true love should be easy.

Little waifish Bettina is handling herself well. She’s not crying. Her eyes are a bit watery, but that is to be expected. She tells her limo driver that she is still shocked and didn’t see it coming at all. I was so proud of her for not falling apart completely and then it happens. Look out below! F-bomb incoming!

Bettina: “It must be wonderful. Wonderful for him and the other girls. F-ing off the charts unbelievable. I can’t imagine putting myself out there again. I just fell in love with myself.”

And as I’m reaching for the remote to rewind to see what the heck Bettina just said, she repeats that she just fell in love with herself.

Interesting. I hope your other self brought a sandwich because girl needs to get some meat on those bones!

Bonus Question:
Who was NOT invited to Women Tell All that airs next week?
A. Bettina
B. Crazy Hillary
C. You
D. Me

Life’s too sweet to be bitter people.

All about the shame, not the fame,
Lincee

He’s Not That Good On Paper

He’s not that good on paper.

Yeah. That sentence is ridiculous. The phrase “he’s not that good” doesn’t even make sense when it comes to Brad Womack.

Unless, of course, it’s followed by: “He’s not that good covering up his hotness.”

Did you see the two second shower scene? Two words…GOOD LORD!

I’m just saying.

SIMPLE DISCLAIMER

The following information you are about to read is of personal opinion. You probably aren’t even reading this because the simple disclaimer has been a part of my recap since the days I emailed this puppy to just a few of my closer friends. HA! Fooled you. You’ve skipped this witty banter and will not know what in the world your friends are talking about when they say, “Did you like the new disclaimer Lincee did?” However, if you or someone on your Facebook page happens to personally know, sort of know, know the brother/cousin of, thought you saw in the grocery store buying spaghetti O’s or have a Pilates instructor that looks exactly like one of the Bachelorettes on the show...none of this is personal and I'm sure they are all lovely people.

Jenni Couric Hometown Date
Wichita, Kansas
LINCEE’S TOP NINE THOUGHT PROVOKING MOMENTS

1. Why do we care?
The question I asked myself as Jenni tap dances (without tap shoes) on the stage at the Mary Jane Teall Theater…the exact same theater she won $50 from her first dancing competition

2. She needs to work on her self esteem issues.
The sarcastic Lincee coming out when Jenni tells Brad that dancing is her passion and she is really good at it.

3. We know you are faking it.
What we all thought when Jenni yelled, “This is embarrassing!” while dancing on national TV and hamming it up for the camera.

4. “She’s not a walking baby factory.”
Grandma Betty’s response to Brad telling the family he and his brothers are all ready to have families.

5. NO NO NO AWKWARD NO NO NO!
What I yelled at the camera when Mama Vicky started washing Brad’s hair at her salon. The blue towel wrapped around his noggin was a little femmy as well.

6. Look at me…I’m Sandra Dee!
The song that popped in my head when Sister Tiffany flat ironed Jen’s hair as they bonded over the fact that she’s falling in love with Danny Zuko.

7. HA!
Cracking up when Daddy Richard asks Brad if he has any goals. After beginning his memorized speech that our host Chris Harrison so thoughtfully prepared for him, Dad interrupts with, “You don’t have to tell me what they are…I just want to know she is taken care of.”

8. Uh-oh!
That gut feeling I’ve come to recognize as intuition…let the record show Brad is NOT sold on Jenni staying in Kansas to dance for Phoenix Suns. Even though he said he is willing to compromise and if it is true love, it will last a year. I’m personally not buying it.

9. I think 100 percent would have worked.
My reaction to Jenni telling Brad that if he picked her, she would be in the relationship a million percent. Heck…let’s throw in a bazillion, trillion plus infinity for good measure.


Sheena Hometown Date
Walnut Creek, California
LINCEE’S TOP NINE THOUGHT PROVOKING MOMENTS

1. She’s just a fetus.
What always comes to mind when Sheena’s age of 23 pops up under her name.

2. ME TOO!
My exclamation to the TV that Brad and I have the same zodiac sign.

3. A quizzical, “Hmmm.”
My reaction to Sheena’s Mom Bev telling Brad that the stars have lined up for him and her daughter.

4. Huh?
Again…Mom Bev talking about the Big Dipper and sitting in a Jacuzzi out back and how all of Sheena’s ancestors are looking down…and watching with celestial approval.

5. What the crap!?!
Here we have Bev again telling Brad…verbatim: “I know she’s the one, whether she’s your one or someone else’s one. There is no other one, because one is one. And I know she is THE ONE!”

6. [Giggling]
Kudos to the ABC Producers for inserting the random New Age plunky music in the background as Madam Bev continues to consult her crystals for further proof that Brad is THE ONE.

7. Oh dear.
Surprise, surprise, Madam Bev clues us in on another one of her famous discoveries: “When I saw your eyes, I saw them together.” Was she expecting the first Cyclops Bachelor?

8. Don’t go there…too late!
Sheena walks in the room and gives her Mom a certain look as if to say, “I told you not to talk about stars aligning.” Bev shrugs as if to say, “GUILTY!” and decides to dive into another topic. MARRIAGE! “We are ready to commit. I mean she is ready to commit. She is ready to be one man’s everything. Every Mom wants her daughter to be married. Cut to the chase…let’s get the ring…we’ve already got the flower girl and bridesmaids. I just see you guys together forever. It’s written…literally…in the stars. Orion to be exact.”

9. She’s done.
Sheena tells Brad that her family is so much of who she is. It was at this point that I knew Sheena was done. And there was no physical chemistry in his face or body language when they were in the hot tub directly under the Big Dipper. There were no bubbles in the hot tub either. Just pointing that out.


DeAHnna’s Hometown Date
Canton, Georgia
LINCEE’S TOP EIGHT THOUGHT PROVOKING MOMENTS

1. Purple crush pride foam finger
The gift I would…nay…WILL bring Brad when he visits Hallsville, Texas…home of the fighting Bobcats. DeAHnna brings him a bushel of peaches. So cliché.

2. She’s 25?
My reaction to DeAHnna’s Dad telling Brad that he has known his daughter for 25 years and can recognize a sparkle in her eyes. I had her at 28, 29, 30-years-old. Great. She’s a fetus too! I don’t see Brad marrying a fetus!

3. [teary]
I’m just that way, okay? I sort of teared up with DeAHnna pulls out a photo album that had pictures of her Mom. Brad loves that her Mom’s death has made DeAHnna a stronger woman.

4. [teary…again]
DeAHnna’s sister Christy telling her that their Mom is watching over her and proud…no matter what happens.

5. I was a swarthy 12-year-old with sideburns.
My favorite line from My Big Fat Greek Wedding that popped in my head when Brad compared DeAHnna’s family to the movie.

6. I love PaPoo and YaYa!
How cute were her grandparents?

7. OPAH!
Brad throwing back the alcohol with PaPoo and YaYa. Reminded me of my recent Ukrainian experience http://ihategreenbeans.blogspot.com/2007/09/heres-to-vodka.html.

8. She may go all the way.
Self explanatory.


Bettina’s Hometown Date
Washington, DC
LINCEE’S TOP EIGHT THOUGHT PROVOKING MOMENTS

1. Did we just return from a workout?
Why was Bettina wearing Pilates pants to meet the man of my dreams?

2. What an a$$.
My reaction to Bettina’s Dad asking about his future. Brad explains that he went to Southwest Texas State (I refuse to call it Texas State) but didn’t graduate. He then went into business for himself. Bettina’s Dad gives a grimace. Brad asks what brought their family to DC and Dad answers with a smug half-laugh, “I was offered a professorship.”

3. Seriously. He really is an a$$.
I received confirmation of my previous statement when Daddy Robert tells the camera, “It is a great disappointment that Brad isn’t educated.”

4. Wow. They are a perfect match.
Mother Anne has similar views as her pompous husband. “I don’t like that my step-daughter has hooked up with a guy who runs a bunch of bars.”

5. Oh I get it…
I assume that Daddy is disappointed that things didn’t work out with Bettina’s perfect Harvard first husband. He tells the camera, “This is definitely not the way I want her to meet a guy. Her first husband was wonderful and she’s not going to find any better.”

6. I think Bettina is brainwashed.
Bless her heart, I start to feel sorry for Bettina. She tells the camera that her Dad’s opinion means the world to her. He counters with: “I have three issues. Obviously, the bar issue. Education is a definite disappointment. And can you see yourself moving to Austin?”

7. Or she’s just on crack.
Brad tells Bettina that he felt judged during their parent visit. Brad: “I want to feel welcome in your family. I may not have education, but I’m sure not going to judge anybody.” Bettina: “I don’t look that great on paper either.”

It took me a few rewinds and careful lip reading to finally realize that is what she said. BAD MOVE BETTINA! What in the world?

8. Bettina is not THE ONE.
Even though she got a rose last night, I feel Bettina is not going to be THE ONE. Brad: “I’ve worked really hard and that is what defines me. I don’t like that I’m defending myself. I want to spend my life with somebody whether it looks good on paper or not.” Families are big with Brad. And I think they are a deal breaker.”


It’s easy for me to say that I knew Bettina would get a rose the day after the rose ceremony. But there was too much ABC “drama editing” and that typically means the Bachelorette stays.

Poor Sheena and her super fabulous earrings get the boot. She’s doing a lovely job of keeping it together as Brad leads her to the tiny wicker bench that is most definitely not made for two. She compliments him on looking good. He tells her to quit being so nice. He starts with his rehearsed soliloquy:

“I think you are so deserving of happiness in a perfect guy. I wish that I was that guy, I just don’t think I am.”

And out of NOWHERE, Sheena loses it with…I shutter to recall…ugly crying. You know what I’m talking about. Bless her heart. Sheena, the Princess of Power, clings to Brad’s neck for dear life and confesses that he is the first thing she thinks of in the morning and the last thing she thinks of when she goes to bed. She inhales deeply, trying to embrace his smell and forever remember the aroma.

Brad puts her in the limo and tells the camera that there was zero chemistry.

Who’s pumped about the exciting forgo dates in Cabo? SWEETNESS!

All about the shame, not the fame,
Lincee

Slip-N-Slide + National TV = Just Wrong

So there I was on Continental flight 822 from Colombia. We had just landed and I, under strict orders from those in my immediate family, called to say I was back in Houston the minute the plane touched the runway. My Mom and sister Jamie are both teachers, so I left voice messages for them. My Dad, who never answers his cell phone, greeted me with a booming, “HOLA!” when I dialed his number.

Lincee: “Hey Daddy. I’m back!”
Daddy: “Did you call your mother?”

Lincee: “Yes. Left a voice message.”
Daddy: “Good. She wants to hear from you. Apparently there was a meltdown.”

Lincee: (shocked) “What? Who had a meltdown? Is everything okay?”
Daddy: “I don’t know…I don’t watch that show.”

Lincee: “Show?”
Daddy: “Yeah. Your show. Some girl freaked out and it’s all everybody is talking about on your recap. Oh…and Marie Osmond fainted on that other show that comes on before The Bachelor.”

It’s good to be home people.


SIMPLE DISCLAIMER

The following information you are about to read is of personal opinion. You probably aren’t even reading this because the simple disclaimer has been a part of my recap since the days I emailed this puppy to just a few of my closer friends. HA! Fooled you. You’ve skipped this witty banter and will not know what in the world your friends are talking about when they say, “Did you like the new disclaimer Lincee did?” However, if you or someone on your Facebook page happens to personally know, sort of know, know the brother/cousin of, thought you saw in the grocery store buying spaghetti O’s or have a Pilates instructor that looks exactly like one of the Bachelorettes on the show...none of this is personal and I'm sure they are all lovely people.

I was in my Bogotá hotel room, trying miserably to convince myself that the mattress I was laying on was NOT made of pure concrete, when my cell phone gives a familiar ring.

Text message from friend Kristin:
“I've got to tell you your favorite host Chris is wearing a very unfortunate shirt on the Bachelor tonight."


Indeed. He looked like an 80-year-old man who had just returned from a week-long cruise in the Caribbean. Tommy Bahama gathers the girls together to explain that two will be going home and four will have opportunity to take Brad on hometown dates.

One-on-One Date
Bettina
“Join me for a romantic evening on the water.”

Crazy Hillary opens the first date box and announces Bettina’s name through gritted teeth. They rifle through the random crap that the ABC intern frantically tossed in a box to discover that Brad is taking Bettina on a gondola ride.

Kristy: “You know what you are supposed to do under bridges, don’t you?”
Bettina: “No…”
Kristy: “You are supposed to kiss him.”

Poor Kristy. Get your head in the game.

Jenni giggles, Hillary attempts to stop Kristy’s heart by using only her brain power and DDAHnna tells the camera that Bettina has the “mystery thing going on…and it’s working.”

Bradley thinks Bettina has all the potential in world to be that girl he’s looking for, but he wants to see if she can relax and be herself. She confides in him that as more time goes on, she is getting comfortable. She thanks him for his patience and tells him that she has so much faith in him. He makes it easier for her.

It is at this point that I’m uninterested in the conversation and find myself loving the fact that Brad is sitting Indian style on the blanket. Why this is attractive to me, I don’t know. I’m just bored with Bettina and wonder, as the other girls do, about her intentions. She’s off to me.

Brad takes this opportunity to ask Bettina about her past. She admits that she is not proud of the fact that she is divorced but could not go through life being unsatisfied. She wants to be completely in love.

Brad finds this endearing and tells her all he wants to do is hug her. He thinks she is “drop dead gorgeous” and so many things about her are perfect.

Cut to the gondola. I’m cracking up because I can imagine this “river” they are on is in a fancy shopping center somewhere. Sort of like the Venetian in Las Vegas. Bettina is awkward and talks about being nervous.

WHAT IN THE WORLD ARE YOUR NERVOUS ABOUT BETTINA! HAVE YOU SEEN THE FREAKISHLY HOT GUY YOU ARE SITTING NEXT TO? DID YOU NOTICE THE BRIDGE YOU JUST FLOATED UNDER?

Such a waste of a perfectly good date.

Brad is pretty good with the context clues and starts a conversation about how he wants to move things slowly and gives her kudos for trying to open up. He falls all over himself letting her know that it is okay for her to take her time and wants her to talk when she is ready.

And like a nine-year-old, she quickly gives him a peck on the cheek and shows no body language of him getting to first base.


Group date
Jenni
Hillary
DDAHnna
Kristy
“Come to my house for a pool party.”

WHOOOOO HOOOOOOOOOO!!! The scream that could be heard for miles. It didn’t dawn on me, other than the fact that she’s from Crazy Town, why Hillary was making such a huge deal about this date. We find out later that she is the only one who hasn’t seen our Bachelor without a shirt.

I guess there is reason to celebrate. I’ll erase one crazy mark by her name.

Right of the bat, we learn that Kristy is not a pool person.

AAAAAANNNNNNNNDDDDDDD there you have it. Bye, bye Kristy.

As if the footage was straight out of the MTV Spring Break Beach House, we see girls cart wheeling of the side of the pool. (Kristy sitting casually on the lounge chairs.) Girls doing cannonballs into the deep end. (Kristy dipping a perfectly manicured toe in the water to check the temperature.) Girls playing chicken with Brad. Hillary announcing to the camera that “Brad is between my legs!” (Kristy finding sanctuary under an umbrella as not to taint her alabaster skin.) And who could forget the underwater crotch shot scenes? Simply classic!

And then…there was the slip-n-slide. The Wet Banana if you will.

Does this not have ABC intern written all over it?

Why Bachelorettes? Why? Why would you fling yourself onto a skinny little piece of yellow plastic with tiny trickles of water scantily spraying the length the apparatus? We’ve all been on a slip-n-slide. They never…ever…work. Most of the time, you forget that there is GROUND underneath the devil toy and your brain somehow thinks that the Wet Banana is going to cushion your fall like a pillow. Wrong. And if you manage to get a good slide in, there are typically two outcomes: you slide a few feet and hit a dry spot that results in a raspberry burn or you are flung off the side and greeted to a mouthful of freshly cut grass that sticks to every part of your body.

I’m just saying.

Hillary flings with reckless abandonment.
DDAHnna gets a wedgie.
Jenni does flip flops down the slip-n-slide.
Kristy brushes her hair in the air conditioning.

Hillary steals some time with Brad and they chill on a big float in the deep end of the pool. Let’s listen in on their conversation:

Hill: I think you are an awesome guy.
Brad: I think you are an amazing person.
Hill: Straight up now tell me, do you really want to love me forever?
Brad: I think you are sweet and sincere and I’m so comfortable with you.
Hill: We should be lovers.
Brad: We can’t do that.
Hill: We should be lovers. And that’s a fact.

Brad to the camera: I wonder if this is just a friendship and not romance.
Hillary to camera: I can tell that we have chemistry. It makes me happy that he is comfortable with me.

It is what happens next that we can for sure, 100%, without a doubt, unmistakably confirm that our gal Hillary is officially off her rocker. Remember, she’s just told the ABC psychotherapist that the chemistry between she and Brad is palpable. She can feel it in the air.

She then goes into pretty graphic detail of all the other things she’d like to feel.

Hillary: I would let Brad ravish me any time. I would want him to BEEP my BEEP and then I would BEEP while he BEEP on the BEEP. After we BEEP, I would show him my BEEP and BEEP with a BEEP so we could BEEP on the BEEP for BEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEP. I’m trying to think of something G-Rated to say.

Not needed Hillary. We get the picture. Literally.

Unfortunately for him, Brad was not around to hear that Hill was going to BEEP his BEEP the first chance she got. He had taken DDAHnna over to some random chairs out by the pool. They sit awkwardly and talk about how they think about each other. It was obvious to the viewing audience that Brad wanted to at least kiss DDAH, but he chickens out after sneaking a look behind his shoulder to find Jenni practicing her toe touching, Kristy balancing a book on her head and Hillary waving to him like a complete fool.

On the other hand, my boy takes Jenni to a secluded hammock to make out for 15 minutes. Interesting.

One-on-One Date
Sheena
“Treasures await you.”

Brad tells the camera that spending time with Sheena is important because his brother thinks she is the bomb. He picks her up in some flip flops and jeans and tells her that there will be surprises all night long.

Surprise 1
Six gowns from which to choose. Sheena says she’s drawn to the white one, but will wait to wear that later. Wink, wink! (Blech.) Brad sends her up the stairs to try one on and is chomping at the bit to see her in the dress. You see reader, Brad is a romantic person. He loves the fairy tale ending. He sees her coming down the stairs and can’t wait to embrace her with his loving…

Surprise 2
BOOM, BOOM, BOOM, BOOM…
Sheena bites the dust. Brad laughs…in a polite way. Lincee watched it six times.

Surprise 3
Sheena limps onto the veranda full of white balloons. They hug and sway. It’s like walking on clouds.

Surprise 4
He gives her a pair of diamond earrings before dinner because he just can’t wait. He loves surprises. And I love him, but that’s neither here nor there. Brad asks why Sheena is still single. She says it’s because she is picky. Brad starts talking about Chad again. Red flag. He then tells the camera that she is solid, beautiful and would make an amazing wife.

Surprise 5
Small orchestra is around the corner by the pool, playing soft music.
Brad: Would you care to dance?
Sheena: I would love to. You are a great dancer.
Brad: You are a beautiful woman. I love how you always smile.
Sheena: How could I not.

Perfect kiss.

Back at the Bachelorette pad, Jenni and Bettina are up waiting for Sheena to get back from her date. She flaunts the earrings and goes into long-winded detail of each surprise. Bettina said compared to Sheena, her date sucked and announces she is going to bed.

BEST TEASER OF THE NIGHT:
“Up next…the most shocking rose ceremony ever…when Hillary loses her mind.”
I heart our host Chris Harrison. Even with his Tommy Bahamas shirt.

I hit the FF button on my DVR and notice there is TONS of time remaining. Twenty-four minutes left for the infamous meltdown! Sweetness!

Hotter than crap Brad tells the camera:
“For lack of a better word, I’m kind of freaking out tonight.”
Don’t you just love that?

Anyway…

I’m sure he’s freaking out. He’s worried that Hill is going to boil his bunny. He decides to take a moment with all the candidates to make it look like he’s having a hard time making a decision.

Alone time with Kristy:
Oops. Ended up on the cutting room floor. Too boring.

Alone time with Sheena:
Bless her heart Sheena. She wrote a poem. And this is not made up. It’s word-for-word what she actually said to hotter than crap Bachelor Brad.

I love your laugh, your smile your touch
The moles that run up your arm
The patch of blond hair on your ears
Your goals and most of all your charm

She wrote a poem about his moles. His moles. How Brad did not laugh at that second line is beyond me. Sheena, Sheena, Sheena. At least call them freckles. Mole is so gross. And the patch of hair on his ear? Why is this the SECOND time we are hearing about this patch of hair? And correct me if I’m wrong, but isn’t that sort of an insult? Who wants to hear that they have hair growing out of their ears?

I bet you didn’t know that he wrote her a poem too did you?

I love your face, your teeth your grin
The long hair that grows on your chin
That gunk that gets caught in your eyes
Those little dimples on your thighs


Alone time with DDAHnna:
Brad: You look beautiful.
DDAH: My butt looks good too.
Brad: Don’t get me started on your butt.
Lincee: Well played my friend.

Brad asks DDAH if her feelings are real. She talks about not wanting to get hurt and how her heart pounds when she sees him. But she embraces this feeling. They talk about their one-on-one time and she reminds him that she is not going to kiss with other girls around. Brad points out that there are no girls around at that moment and they kiss. Well played AGAIN my friend.

Back inside, Jenni confronts Bettina about something that has been bothering her.

Jenn: You said last night that you weren’t happy with your date.
Bett: You mean when I said mine sucked?
Jenn: blank stare
Bett: I was joking. I meant it sucked in a good way. You misunderstood.

Alone time with Bettina:
Brad: Don’t you think our date was perfect?
Bett: I think so also. I felt relaxed and comfortable. I know I’m not comfortable being intimate…I know it will be fabulous one day…but by the end of date I wanted your hands on me. This is deeper than anything I’ve ever felt.
Brad: That sucks. But in a good way.
Bett: You totally get me.

Before his alone time with Hillary, Brad reminds the camera that he sort of tried to give Hillary clues that he is just not that in to her. He admits that she didn’t get it and he needs to be honest with her during this time.

Brad: I feel so comfortable with you.
Hill: It’s good to be total BFFs.
Brad: That’s nice, but I’m afraid that we need to be more than that and I just don’t see us going there. That’s what is so confusing. Do you follow me?
Hill: Absolutely.
Brad: (looking shocked) How you holding up? You okay?
Hill: Yes. We have chemistry and I want you to be my lover, husband and BEEP until we BEEP the BEEP.

Brad motions for the ABC intern and tells him to have the psychotherapist on hand. This is not going to go well at all.

After handing roses to DDAHnna, Jenni, Sheena and Bettina, the camera gets a close shot of Jenni rubbing Hillary’s back as she rolls her eyes as far back in her head as they can go.

All the girls hug like they are old friends. Kristy bows out gracefully of course. We never hear from her again. Hillary makes the lone walk up to Brad and embraces him in a huge death grip…eyes closes…unwilling to let go.

After much prying, the intern and psychotherapist lead her to the courtyard. The tears are flowing wilding now. She wipes the running mascara on her white dress. She leans over and begins to hyperventilate. WE NEED A BROWN PAPER BAG! CAN WE GET A BROWN PAPER BAG!?!

Our Host Chris Harrison comes to the rescue with a brown paper bag and secretly giggles to himself, so happy that Lincee will have some good writing material this season.

Back inside, we find Brad pacing in front of the four remaining girls. He’s snapping his fingers. He’s pacing. He’s snapping. ABC intern gives everyone toasting champagne and Brad hands his over to Sheena. He must go outside and tend to Hillary. After all, they are BFF and he’s concerned.

He approaches the raccoon faced girl, snot pouring out of her nose, curls falling listlessly out of their Quinceañera bun and tells her to “come here to me.”

Hillary: I (gasp) don’t understand. Why are you BEEP sending me home?
Brad: I’m scared to take a step as big as meeting your family when we are too good friends.
Hillary: It sucks (sniff) and I’m falling for you (gasp) and I’m going home without you in my BEEP arms. I wanted you to meet family. I wanted you to (snort) shake my Dad’s hand. BEEP! I can’t force (gasp) you to feel something.
Brad: I think you are one in a million.

I would agree with that Brad.

Poor Hillary is upset that she is going to be known as “the friend” on the show. Yes Hillary. That’s what we are all thinking right now. You will be remembered as “the friend” from the Hotter than Crap Brad season.

So here’s to the most dramatic exit in Bachelor history, to meeting the families next week and to more footage of the Bachelorettes jumping naked in the pool! (Did everyone see that at the end?)

All about the shame, not the fame,
Lincee

Recap might be late next week

UPDATE: I'm here and loving it in Bogota. I know there is a little accent over the "a" in Bogota, but have no time to figure out how to insert it right now! Looks like I'll be watching the show late Tuesday and writing it Wednesday. Would watch at ABC online, but Internet connection here is very low. And by the way...they are on the CENTRUM SILVER season here! Can you believe it? Byron and Mary Mary. I can't even stomach it. How very sad.

I have a great story about a "minor mishap" in the airport that I'll share on my return. Until then,

Ciao from Colombia!


Boss: "What are you doing Monday and Tuesday?"
Lincee: "Watching the Bachelor."

Boss: "I need you to go to Colombia."
Lincee: "As in Ohio?"
Boss: "No. That would be Columbus. I need you in Colombia.
As in the country."

Lincee: [blank stare]
Boss: "Great. We'll talk about details later."

Let the Tears and F-Bombs Fall Where They May

I have to say, last night was one of my favorite episodes in a long time. Love was in the air. Hot tubs were bubbling. Snot ran from noses. Knifes protruded from the backs of designer dresses. About 13 f-bombs dropped on national TV.

It just doesn’t get any better than that people.

SIMPLE DISCLAIMER

The following information you are about to read is of personal opinion. You probably aren’t even reading this because the simple disclaimer has been a part of my recap since the days I emailed this puppy to just a few of my closer friends. HA! Fooled you. You’ve skipped this witty banter and will not know what in the world your friends are talking about when they say, “Did you like the new disclaimer Lincee did?” However, if you or someone on your Facebook page happens to personally know, sort of know, know the brother/cousin of, thought you saw in the grocery store buying spaghetti O’s or have a Pilates instructor that looks exactly like one of the Bachelorettes on the show...none of this is personal and I'm sure they are all lovely people.

Our Host Chris Harrison starts the episode reminding the Bachelorettes that there are only nine women left in the hunt. There will be three dates: a special one-on-one, a group date and a two-on-one.

One-On-One
Jenni Couric
“Come Fly With Me”

Jenni Couric is super excited to get the one-on-one date with Brad. She tells the camera that she’s been waiting for this her whole life (what?) and wants to kiss him on his neck.

Who doesn’t Jenni?

The girls squeal at the arrival of the helicopter. The poor ABC botanical technician is ticked because rose petals and baby’s breathe go flying everywhere when the chopper lands on the back lawn. Miss Couric braves the flying debris with the other eight girls and tackles our Bachelor as he exits the craft. She hangs on to his waist for dear life. Brad tells her how beautiful she is. She flashes her Phoenix Sun’s smile at the other ladies and buries her head in his neck, using this opportunity to take a quick nibble. Brad, the gentleman that he is, addresses the other girls as Jenni “absent-mindedly” holds his hand. He then pushes her hair out of her face (first point for Couric) and waves goodbye to the not-so-lucky group. They all wave back and say, “BYE” in enthusiastic unison. All but DeAHnna and McCracken that is…

Jade tells the camera that the physical attraction Brad has for Couric is obvious. The hand holding, the touching, the grabbing…not a good sign.

Bettina wonders if Jenni is in this for Brad…or if it is all about the competition.

Hillary thinks they have sexual chemistry and it makes her want to throw up. Jade empathetically strokes her hair for comfort. Hil feels like her boyfriend has just left with the hottest girl ever and then drops the first f-bomb.

I’m just going to go out on a limb here and thank ABC for keeping Hillary. The Bachelor is just no good without a resident psycho. I’m just saying.

Meanwhile, during an amazing crotch shot up Jenni’s short green dress, Brad points out buildings and concludes that this is the coolest thing he has ever done. They land on a roof to have dinner on a lame set-up the ABC intern pulled out of his butt. Metal bar stools around a tiny metal table. Probably going for some sleek, mainstream analogy that has to do with architecture, but I didn’t get it.

Jenni can’t stop smiling and confides that she is nervous. Brad tells her not to worry, because since the beginning, he’s been waiting for this moment. He is very happy that he is with her and has wanted this…so badly.

“…so badly.” Second point for Couric.

Brad then brings up the kiss. Couric says that she can’t stop thinking about it. She also can’t stop thinking about the rose and admits that if he doesn’t give it to her PRONTO, she might jump off the building. She wants to focus on HIM…not the rose.

Back at the Bachelorette pad, the rest of the girls are trying to make small talk. Jade says that it sucks the way DD and McCracken talk to other people. Stephy wishes they would ask their questions in a nicer way. McCracken says life would be boring if they didn’t. Jade says they attack everyone in the house. DD interrupts and Jade drops the second f-bomb of the night out of sheer frustration.

Jade: “If you want me to have an opinion, let me f-ing say it!”
DDAH: “The floor is yours.”
Jade: “I’m done now.”
DDAH: rolls eyes to McCracken
Lincee: Imaginary high five to the ABC intern for setting THAT up!

Back on the rooftop, Brad and Couric move from cold, metal stools to uncomfortable trendy couch, complete with handy cashmere throw. Jenni says that she wants to see him tomorrow. She says she is selfish and wants him all to herself. She then gets a little chachy on us and tells Brad that the rose is sitting all by its lonesome and needs a friend. Brad hands her the rose, touches her face (point three) and says that he’s been waiting to do that all night. She inhales the fragrance and tells him that she’s saved every rose he’s given her.

This turns Brad on and he growls in a low gruff voice, “Come here to me…please.” (Heaven forbid if he breaks the southern gentleman charm and forgets to add the please at the end.) Then they make out.

I have to admit that I wanted to be Jenni Couric at that moment. Am I right? or am I right...


Group Date
“There’s nothing sexier than a woman’s laugh. Come show me yours.”
Sheena
McCarten
Hillary
Bettina
Kristy
Stephy

Even though he is a self-made Austin millionaire, Brad is not a refined person. He like to kick back and laugh. He wants to see who can just have fun. He doesn’t want anybody who is shy and reserved.

He takes them to a comedy club in a double decker bus and tells them that THEY are the show. All of them will be performing today.

Hillary embraces the spotlight.
McCarten rolls her eyes as she clucks like a chicken during warm-ups.
And Kristy starts to cry.

The teachers share a secret with the girls…if you feel stupid, you are doing it right. They begin with a prop improv. The rules are: use the prop in any way that it is not meant to be used traditionally.

First prop: A pink pointed party hat

Hillary: holds the cone and says, “Things are bigger in Texas.” Classy innuendo Hill.
Bettina: holds cone like a megaphone and yells, “I love you Brad!”
Kristy: deer in the headlights and whispers, “Pass.”
Hillary: puts cone up to boob and sings, “Vogue, vogue, vogue.”

Brad taps a cowbell this whole time which I loved. We need more cowbell in this world.

Second prop: a feather boa

Bettina: walks up with boa, chickens out and goes back to the group laughing at herself. After much encouragement from Brad, she returns to the front, holds the boa in front of herself and says, “I forgot to shave.”

Kristy’s turn! Wait. Nope. She passes again. She’s not comfortable being put on the spot and feels ridiculous.

Challenge: Beg for a rose as if you were a dog.

It was so bad, I’m embarrassed to type the words. Hillary said something stupid. Sheena rolled on her back and asked for a belly rub. My ears are still bleeding from shoving my pen down as far as my brain would allow. Let’s just not go there.

Challenge: Dating show

Hill: dressed up like a cheerleader says, “You are so hot you make my pom poms sweat.” She follows that up with the “Give me a B” cheer and spells out Brad.
Kristy: dressed like a cowgirl says, “My name is sugar and I’m looking for a little spice.”

You could have heard crickets chirping in that auditorium if I hadn’t been laughing my butt off at that moment. Classic Bachelor. Rewind. Play. Laugh. Wipe eyes. Rewind. Play. Laugh. Wipe eyes.

Poor Kristy. Bless her heart. She goes for plan B and turns on the tears.

“I’m so mad (sniff) that I didn’t step up to the plate. It’s really (snort) important for you to see fun side of me. Now I’m panicky (gag) and crying. I only have (snort) so many (choke) chances to show you the real me.”

But Brad prefers potty humor to waterworks and gives the rose to Bettina and her feather boa.

Which makes Bettina fall madly in love with Brad. And when I say “madly” I’m being literal. Might be a little crazy in those eyes…I’m just saying.


Two-On-One Date
DDAHnna
Jade

Nice! ABC arranged for the two girls who HATE each other to be on the two-on-one date. For some reason Jenni Couric reads the date box rhyme constructed by her boy toy Brad. (Did anyone else think this was odd?)

“Tonight there is just one rose. One stays…one goes.” Then she sucks in some air, purses her lips, mouths the word “ouch” and dangles her rose in front of them before she skips off to hang it with the other roses from the chandelier above her bed using a hair clip.

The girls pack their 12 bags of luggage and leave them by the door.

Jade is not going to let DDAHnna walk away with the rose. He thinks Brad will see through her fakeness. DDAHnna thinks she is more compatible.

Unfortunately, the ABC intern forgot to book another date night and re-uses the one from Jenni Couric’s date. The three are on a rooftop and Brad opens the conversation with a serious topic:

Brad: “I’ve been missing out on that one special person…I want to find her. With that said, what do you think about moving to Austin?”
Jade: “I’m fine with that. I’ve lived in Canada before.”
DDAH: “I packed myself and moved to Nashville after school.”
Jade: “I’ve lived in 34 of the United States and have 11 stamps in my passport.”
DDAH: “I’ve just booked a trip to Mars and plan on wintering there.”

Brad: “Interesting. You seem independent.”
Jade (interrupting): “I relate to that. I started working at 16.”
DDAH: “I worked at 14.”
Jade: “My mom had me shucking corn when we lived in Nebraska when I was 10, so HA!”

Alone time with Brad:
Jade: “I feel like I’m under a lot of pressure.”
Brad: “You don’t give yourself enough credit. You are confident and beautiful.”

MAYDAY MAYDAY MAYDAY MAYDAY! ABORT JADE! START CRYING! HE CAN’T HANDLE THE CRYING! BITE THE INSIDE OF YOUR MOUTH IF YOU HAVE TO!


Cut to the Bachelorette pad:

“How does everyone feel about getting engaged?” is asked with an enthusiastic YES answered by all the girls excluding Bettina. She’s bold now that she has her hot pink feather boa and decides…to go there…

Bettina: “Do you know what marriage is? You can’t be on this show and commit to a relationship after six weeks. I know. I’ve been married before.”

GASPS!!! The other look at her in wonder and poke her with a stick. This rare “divorced” creature is indeed a sight to behold.

Hill: “If you know…you know. People give up too easily. I personally wouldn’t want to date someone who’s been married. You’d have to kick the tires every once in a while to see if she’s still running.”

Spoken like a true idiot.

Let’s get back to Brad’s alone time with DDAHnna:

DDAH: (read in robotic tone) “I want to be honest. I don’t wear my heart on my sleeve. I want to be here. I want the chance to fall in love with you. You are going to do what your heart tells you to do and I hope that’s me.”

Let’s face it. I do think boys like the chase. But if you are not “that girl” then you have to put it out there that you want him. DDAHnna did that. Jade did not.

We see Brad saying goodbye to Jade. He talks about it being horrible thing he had to do. I have to admire him for not getting all touchy feely with her. He even kept his hands crossed over his chest as a sign of tough love. The camera shows him shutting the door on their relationship and then cuts inside to the session with the ABC psychotherapist.

And next comes the brilliant ABC editing. Really. Kudos my friends.

Jade crying in limo: “I’m shocked to be going home.”
[Cut to steam rising across the skyline on the rooftop. Pan down to show bubbling hot tub surrounded by millions of tiny candles.]

Jade: “I really wish he could have seen through her.”
[Cut to tight shot of Brad’s tight abs. Man he is hotter than crap. DDAHnna enters the shot in teeny tiny bikini. They sink into the tub holding champagne glasses.]

Jade: “DD doesn’t deserve my happy ending.”
[Long lingering shot of DD and Brad making out in hot tub. They slowly go out of focus and we see a single red rose in the foreground.]

That’s art.

ROSE CEREMONY

Hillary is concerned. The mood is somber. She wishes people would lighten up.
McCracken: “The mood is more somber because two of us are going home.”
DDAH: “No. The mood is somber because you all are going out with my boyfriend.”

Kristy steals some alone time with Brad and babbles on about being guarded and how she was glad Brad saw her cry and get emotional. Because she is an onion and has layers. Brad then points out that she is not an onion. She is a classy refined chocolate covered strawberry. What if he wants nachos? Can she be a messy runny nacho?

Sheena hears that crying gets you a rose, so she uses her last chance to tear up. She tells him she is there for all the right reasons and doesn’t want to go home. Being Brad, he pulls her into his shoulder so she can cry it out.

After wiping the tears from Sheena’s eyes, Brad wanders over to Kristy, Bettina, DDAHnna and McCracken. They want to know who was the first person he kissed on the show. I won’t go into the unfortunate way they asked him this question. Just trust me on this one…

When they find out it was Jenni Couric, for some reason, all hell breaks loose. Bettina calls her a slut and a liar.

(Remember that crazy we talked about?)

The group investigates:

“Did you kiss him or he kiss you?”
JC: “He kissed me.”
DDAH: “Did you think Jade was coming back?”
JC: “I felt you were someone he would be attracted to, so I prayed for her to come back.”
Bettina: “What about him? Don’t you want him to find someone to be happy with?”
JC: “Yeah?”
Bettina: “So why would you pray for him to not find happiness?”
JC: “Because I want it to be me he ends up with.”
Bettina: “I’m surprised that you are treating this like a game.”

Hi. Bettina? It’s the ABC Producers. Yeah…uhm, this little “adventure” you are on is called the Bachelor. It’s a reality show. A “game” if you will. Did we not explain to you the rules of this show before you signed up to “win” the heart of the man of your dreams?

Alone time with Jenni Couric:
Brad: “I miss you.”
JC: “I miss you too.”
What number of points are we on? Four? Five?

Biggest laugh of the night:
MCC: “I wonder who is going home tonight?”
DDAH: “NOT ME!”

Sadly, McCracken and Stephy were sent packing along with Jade. Super pumped that he kept crazy Hillary and as last night’s sneak peek of next week’s episode shows, there is going to be some major drama and hyperventilation as she gets booted to the curb.

And poor Sheena falls down the stairs. I. Might. Die.

All about the shame, not the fame,
Lincee

It Takes More Than Showing Your “Special Spots” to Win the Heart of Brad Womack

My guess is that ABC tried to brainwash us with the circus. You know…greatest show on earth…but I didn’t buy it. I have to admit, I was a little bored last night. Maybe it’s because I’ve seen the same thing over and over again from this beloved show. Or maybe it’s because I was anticipating the wonder twin power at the end.

Maybe it’s because I was doped up on cough medicine and the thought of laying my head down on the comfy couch cushion was much more entertaining than what was on TV.

It’s a mystery. But there were a few juicy parts. And I’m sure you know the ones I’m talking about.

SIMPLE DISCLAIMER
The following information you are about to read is of personal opinion. You probably aren’t even reading this because the simple disclaimer has been a part of my recap since the days I emailed this puppy to just a few of my closer friends. HA! Fooled you. You’ve skipped this witty banter and will not know what in the world your friends are talking about when they say, “Did you like the new disclaimer Lincee did?” However, if you or someone on your Facebook page happens to personally know, sort of know, know the brother/cousin of, thought you saw in the grocery store buying spaghetti O’s or have a Pilates instructor that looks exactly like one of the Bachelorettes on the show...none of this is personal and I'm sure they are all lovely people.


Group Date One
Greatest Show on Earth
Stephy
McCracken
Jenni
Lindsey
Sarah
DeAhnna

Date box arrives with a ton of circus paraphernalia inside…big glasses, Dumbo ears, red noses…the works. DeAHnna is super stoked. She’s never been to a real circus…just the fake ones they put on in the Wal-Mart parking lot.

Brad is excited to see the inner child in all of the girls. He loads them up in a limo, reads his cue card, and tells the girls that they will be seeing lions, and tigers and bears…

They all shout, “OH MY!” in unison. Brad grins. Lincee rolls her eyes and reaches for her box of Kleenex.

They feed the elephants. One of them blows snot on young Sarah. Brad leads them to the luxury box. I wonder why I’ve never seen a luxury box at the circus? Probably because they don’t have those at the Wal-Mart circus. Gee…DeAHnna and I have a lot in common.

Stephy balances on a tight rope in her flip flops. Jenni balances on a ball. All the girls stand in a line while clowns juggle bowling pins around their faces. Jenni busts out into some spontaneous gymnastics. She executes a round-off, back handspring, back flip.

In a strapless top.

Good night! Did she staple the top to her chest? How in the world did that thing stay up? I bet she’s a little disappointed that ABC didn’t have to censor her nip with a little rose bud. I’m just saying…

Brad pulls Jenni away to tell her again that she reminds him of Katie Couric and that he has amazing chemistry with her. She decides to get serious and ask him if he can handle a long-distance relationship. And when you get serious with your fake boyfriend, you hold his had in a death grip to your chest. She takes a deep breath and starts chattering away.

She is a dancer for the Phoenix Suns and has committed to the entire season. She assures him that she wants to be the last one standing. Brad mumbles something about her allowing him to date other people and then tries to get to second base. Unsuccessful due to the Gorilla Glue holding Jenni’s shirt tight to her skin.

Brad moves on to Stephy who talks about her Dad the whole time.
She cries a little.

Sensing the emotional breakdown, Brad herds the girls backstage to watch the inner workings of the Ringling Brothers circus.

Next thing we know, the head clown grabs the audience’s attention by announcing some exciting news from the hanging microphone. The Sexiest Bachelor EVER is in the house- Brad Womack!

[Silence.]

Hi…ABC? It’s Lincee. Yeah…I don’t think these people have any clue as to what in the world the head clown was talking about when he presented Brad Womack, the Sexiest Bachelor EVER, to the circus audience. Maybe next time you could give a little introduction that you are the world renowned ABC reality hit THE BACHELOR and then hype up your boy a bit? You could show him in that shower scene and I bet…

[Audience sees Brad and goes nuts because of his sheer hotness.]

Well there you go. Shower scene not needed. What the heck do I know?

It’s at this point that we realize Brad has a thing for the circus. He is geeking out about being a guest ring master and even admits to the camera that he can’t contain himself.

“I feel like that kid from Titanic. I’m the king of the world.”

Insert Jim Halpert face here.

During the circus, Brad pulls McCracken away. He’s not sure of her intentions and admits that there is a friend vibe. McCracken is extremely upset to hear this news and tells him that she is not an insecure person and doesn’t need a rose to secure his affections. He confesses that this approach is refreshing and he escorts her back to the circus. McCracken tells the camera that dating Brad is like walking the tight rope…some people need a net and some people don’t.

$10 says the ABC psychoanalyst fed her that line. Seriously. McCracken coming up with that analogy? I don’t think so.

There were a few more circus moments but they are too embarrassing for me to write down. The wig. The clown nose. The dancing. Just trust me on this one. You don’t want to know.

Stephy gets a rose for putting herself out there by crying while talking about her Dad.


One-on-One Date
Hillary
Just Get Dressed and I’ll Take Care of the Rest!

Hillary pulls out a little trolley and a slinky black dress from her date box. Using both clues, she decides that her date destination will probably be San Francisco. Little did she know that ABC would rip-off the entire opera scene from Pretty Woman, right down to the million dollar jewelry around her neck.

Sister Solisa helps Hillary into her slinky black dress. She runs off to find some scissors. We’re not sure if this is to cut the dress into a short mini or to add another thigh-high slit. Regardless, Hillary is telling the camera her game plan. She’s going to be touchy, feely, keep him laughing and hopefully get a big fat kiss afterwards.

Unfortunately, she whined, moped, cried, gulped and got a sympathy rose at the end of dinner.

It started out with nervous giggling. Little eye contact.
Then it slowly turned into a trembling lip and watery eyes.

Cut to the other Bachelorettes talking about Hillary. Raise your hand if you want her gone? DeAHnna and McCracken raise their hands.
Back to Hillary: “I would rather give the shirt off my back and be happy and crazy in love than not find someone I can potentially like…someone I can fall in love with.”

Brad looks confused.

Bachelorettes: “I can’t believe you can be so rude?”
DeAHnna: “I’m just being honest. Why would I want her to come back? It’s a competition?”
McC: “I’m not here to make friends.”

Hillary: “I don’t want you to think I’m an emotional girl, but I do want to give my heart to someone and get married. I want them to love me for me…feel like I haven’t found that.”

Brad looks scared to death, takes a deep breath and hands her the rose.

Hillary: “I’m not going to look at you because you will make me cry.”

Insert Jim Halpert face here.

Brad makes it all better by taking her to the Ghiradelli Chocolate Factory. They make out and Hillary tells the camera she is in love.

Psycho.


Group Date Two
Boobies of the Caribbean
Sheena
Solisa
Kristy
Bettina
Jade

You can imagine what was in the date box. Sailor’s hat, anchor, pole for Solisa. Sheena is excited about the boat and the sails. She’s boated her whole life. Probably been to a regatta gala or two in her day.

Hey Sheena…we don’t know who you are. Maybe you should be excited about the hot guy beside you? Just a thought.

Sheena takes my advice and shows her adventurous side while risking her life (and Brad’s) on the wave runner. She shows her rebel side by being pulled over by the coast guard.

Bettina shows her dark side by admitting that she was married and divorced.

Kristy shows her fun side by steering the boat. Watch out Brad. She’s feisty! Brad gives her the rose.

And Sister Solisa shows her back side because, her words not mine, “All I can do is shake my butt really fast. So I did.” On his lap. Nice.


The Chad
Brad can’t believe his “identical” twin dropped everything to come to Malibu (in the same outfit because twins dress alike) and help him figure out which girls know the true Brad.

This has nothing to do with their bars, the Chuggin Monkey and the Dizzy Rooster, and how their sales have quadrupled since the Matthew McConaughey look alike hit the small screen three weeks ago.

Power of marketing people. I’m just saying.

Brad wants Chad to pose as him during cocktails to see who can tell the difference. He feels that if it’s real, she won’t be fooled.

The brothers, using their twin powers that only twins know, run down the list of girls, descriptions, likes and dislikes. Brad tells Chad:

Stephy: Likes her Dad
McCracken: Not intimidated by nets.
Jenni: Uses industrial strength duct tape to keep clothes on
Lindsey: Does not like work, but loves to water color
Sarah: Makes a mean Cosmopolitan
DeAhnna: It’s DeAHnna…not DeANNa
Sheena: Dude…try and figure out who this chick is, will ya?
Solisa: Your wife will kill you if you go near this woman
Kristy: She’s tall
Bettina: Tainted from a divorce
Jade: I’m questioning the length of her bangs. Is that wrong?

Brad stays in the limo to watch the action and give regurgitated one-liners fed to him by the ABC intern.

McCracken questions, but finally concludes that Brad has a case of the giggles. Lindsey dives in to deep conversation with Brad about engagements, camping and timelines. Not a clue. Sheena is suspicious right off the bat and tells him his voice is different and the weird patch of blond hair is not on his ear. She figures it out. Chad comes walking around the corner and Kristy screams, “You’re not BRAD!” Bettina figures it out after about a minute. And poor Sarah thinks Brad looks different but decides he’s just not himself tonight.

You think?

She decides it’s just her imagination. Bless her heart.

Classic Bachelor Line That Will Go Down in History:
Stephy: “Either Brad’s wearing dentures, or I’m really drunk!”

Later, our host Chris and Brad introduce Chad. Lots of freaking out, yelling, fantasizing by Solisa, pointing and gasping. Brad admits that it was a test and he feels it was important to know who knew that Chad was not the genuine article. All intentions were pure.

That has to make you feel good that some girls pay that much attention to you.

Or it’s scary

Sarah the fetus and Lindsey the swimming nanny/model were both
sent packing along with Sister Solisa. Sarah was distracted by Chad/Brad’s drink to notice it wasn’t really him. Trooper Lindsey tells the camera that she’s not going to cry over something that wasn’t there. Then she cries.

And then there’s Sister Solisa. I’m going to miss that girl. I felt that they had a strong connection. I mean, she did show him those “very special parts” of herself. I guess those “special parts” were not what he was looking for.

All about the shame, not the fame,
Lincee