Can I just say that the best part of last night was the little teaser ABC did for the next Bachelor? HELLO NAVY DOCTOR! That made the torturous series finale of Prince Lorenzo actually worth the two hours we had to sit through for him to pick between the vanilla milkshake and the vanilla milkshake.
So many people asked me who I thought he would pick. The truth is that I really didn’t care because they were identical to me. I guess it all came down to one thing really…
Who did his Mommy liked better?
SIMPLE DISCLAIMER
The following information you are about to read is of personal opinion. If this e-mail circulates to friends, family, enemies...that is your business. However, if you or someone in your address book happens to personally know, sort of know, know the brother/cousin of, thought you saw in the grocery store buying Winter Oreos or have a nail technician that looks exactly like one of the Bachelorettes on the show...none of this is personal and I'm sure they are all lovely people.
If you had never seen one moment of the Bachelor Renzy season, you were caught up in the first 30 minutes of the show.
If you didn’t know Sadie and Jen, you were caught up the second 30 minutes of the show. They are good girls. They have bubbly personalities. They sit on their beds and journal. They dream of having their fairy tale come true with a Prince in a castle.
And if you didn’t already know, Sadie is saving herself for marriage. She lets the viewer in on this “secret” exactly six times in 53 minutes. I counted.
And guess what? Renzy is having a hard time deciding who to pick. Fortunately, he gets some help from his parents. They will help him make the right decision.
Princess Mom wants happiness for her son. She wants him to find his soul mate. She is super pumped he is allowing them to experience this emotional journey. So excited that she gives him a gift. She has designed for his future wife an engagement ring and it is being made THIS VERY MOMENT!
Call me crazy, but I don’t think that is what Renzy had in mind when he asked his Mom to open up the family vault and let him have his pick of the Borghese family jewels so that he could impress his wife with something an actual princess wore back in the day.
Of course he fakes it and stammers something about fairy tales when his Mom suggests that have a new tradition that begins with her ring she has selected for his future wife.
Jen Meets the Royal Family
Poor Jen wears jeans to meet the royal parents in the family castle. Mom thinks Jen radiates goodness and has a special soul. (Huh?) They talk about what they like about each other. Then they talk about how she is different from Sadie. Jen says she is the real deal and tough. Jen asks what the parents want in a daughter-in-law and Mr. Borghese uses his words and mumbles something about travel and willing to learn.
Mom and Jen go off by themselves to talk when we learn that Mrs. Princess reads palms.
It all makes sense now.
Mom tells Jen that she is a Daddy’s girl and her fate will be determined by the person you marry and his mother. She is an open road of green lights. Jen does a toe touch and is excited for this victory.
Sadie Meets the Royal Family
Sadie shows up in a nice flowing dress. Hugs all around for everyone because she is instantly comfortable as a virgin princess.
Mum asks: “What have you gained from coming here?”
Sadie answers: “I am honored to have been able to spend time with your son.”
Lame.
Sadie then talks about how Renzy has lot of layers and has a deep, smart, witty side that gets her. She reminds us that she fell in love with him while he was flying a plane.
Mom asks if Sadie thinks she is similar to Jen. Sadie says, “NO WAY” and explains that they are night and … later than night… of each other.
Mom wants to read Sadie’s palm. She tells her that her head rules hear heart.
Sadie is so relieved to hear this and decides to tell Mom that she is saving herself for marriage. (number seven)
Big Pot of Stew
Renzy’s new age Mom decides to invite both sets of parents to the castle for a wonderful brunch. She thinks they should all be thrown into the same pot to stir up some action to see what they learn about each other and how their auras change when placed in awkward positions.
Jen’s coaching Dad shows up in his Purple Crush Pride shirt, untucked, to meet the family. Her Mom is as mute as Renzy’s Dad.
Sadie and her wholesome parents arrive shortly after Coach. She pouts to the ABC intern that he gave her the wrong time slot. The ABC intern frantically mixes more mimosas and tells Sadie and family that it was Renzy’s Mom’s idea for this debacle. Sadie plasters on a sweet smile and skips to her wannabe future mother-in-law.
Oh this is going to be good.
BEST QUOTE OF THE NIGHT:
Coach: “I’m praying…I guess to the Pope, that I don’t make an idiot of myself.”
I love the Coach.
Renzy admits that this scenario should be funny, but it is not. He crosses his arms in protest, claiming this is too difficult and it sucks. No other Bachelor has had to do this.
Meanwhile, Coach is livening up the party. He wants to know how Sadie’s parents feel that their daughter is number two? He also encourages Renzy to just tell everyone at that moment who he picked so we can get on with our lives.
Jen is embarrassed. Sadie says everyone should eat their eggs and stop making everything so awkward. Then Renzy gives some random “There’s no place like Rome” speech to end the celebration.
Have I already told you I love the Coach? And did you know that Sadie is a virgin?
The Moms go to a room and start visiting. Jen’s Mom sits in silence as Sadie’s Mom affirms everything Her Highness says while checking the future in her crystal ball.
The next day, Renzy asks for both Dad’s blessings for their daughters’ hands in marriage. He gets them.
I would say more about how the parents are talking with the daughters about marriage and engagements and fairy tales, but it was the same conversation in repeat. I’m too bored to type it and you would be bored reading it.
Sadie’s Last Date
Sadie and Renzy go sailing. She tells the camera that she feels like she has been holding her breath this whole show. (She needs to start blowing that breath, because that sailboat ain’t going anywhere!)
They see a rainbow and kiss. They toast. They talk about how they are ready to be normal. They talk about comfortable silences and then practice a comfortable silence. (Give me a break)
She pulls out a Bachelor Lorenzo scrapbook that she made from Creative Memories and flips through the pages remembering their time together in Rome. It is at this point that I realize he is the worst at trying to mask and cover his feelings. It is written all over his face that he is not into Sadie and that the limo keys are jingling behind the scenes. ABC intern is taking bets and it is not looking good for Sadie or her v-card.
Renzy tells Sadie goodbye, with a mopey gleam in his eye, and turns just as Sadie steals his napkin. It will make a good background for their engagement scrapbook she has already started on…
Jen’s Last Date
Jen and Renzy ride horses with helmets. I thought that was humorous.
They grill in a lightning storm (smart) and Renzy…or should I call him CHACH…decides to turn into his Mom for five seconds and talk about how the storm is symbolic for friction and sad feelings and burnt hamburgers.
Jen goes out on a limb and tells Renzy that she could see herself moving to New York. She tells him that she wants to be picked and that she hopes she is the one standing at the end. They talk about the wishes they made in the fountain, and how he can’t tell her his last wish because it hasn’t come true.
Vomit.
Final Rose
Sadie and Jen both wake up, gaze over their balcony and start journaling. They talk about how they are in love and could be engaged that night. Sadie tells the camera that she has been saving herself for marriage. (eight)
Renzy goes to the jeweler and picks up his Mom’s ring with the diamond that is the size of my eyeball.
Sadie is out of the limo first. She is looking very boobilicious in her Roman dress and Renzy can barely get the words out to tell her she is done. He holds her hands in a death grip the entire conversation as he tells her that her scrapbook list of 358 things she wants in a man, included one item that he didn’t fit. Number 242 said that her man would never fathom being with another woman. Alas…he is in love with someone else.
Not letting go of her hands, he starts to get teary. She is gracious and tells him that he knows what is best. She tries to break away from his grip, but he is determined to make sure she is not upset. She finally says she feels foolish and he says his feelings were 100% real. His lip starts to quiver. I start to laugh. That nervous laughter. Please dude…let her walk away.
Lone Tears
I was a little upset that the ABC promo they kept showing Renzy in a blue shirt with the lone tear streaming down both eyes had not yet shown. HAD I MISSED THIS SCENE? But they choose this moment to have the emotional breakdown of Renzy feeling horrible he is letting Sadie go home.
I think there were only two takes to get that Visine juuuuuuust right. You go Renzy.
At this point, Renzy is ticking me off that he will not let Sadie just walk away with what little dignity she and her v-card have left. Don’t break down Sadie! Don’t do it! Hold on. HOLD ON. And then she cracks. It was a really big chance to take…because she was afraid of getting hurt. And she got hurt again.
Renzy tells the camera that he found love with Jen and that she has all the characteristics and qualities he’s looking for in a wife. He tells her that his third wish is coming true and pulls out his Mom’s ring. He lets her stare at it and then proceeds to NOT propose.
No surprise there…we’ve come to know that the Bachelor is not going to propose.
He talks about how they are in the Garden of Eden and they need to get back to planet Earth to see if emotions are real. Poor Jen is transfixed by the honker diamond and doesn’t hear a word he says.
But the surprise is when he decides to let her wear the ring anyway!
Jen decides to ditch her 8th-grade class in Florida and head for NYC!
He picks her up and spins her around and gives her several bad kisses.
And that’s the end. ABC gives us some token end-of-the-road closing montage of their Bachelor experience and I can only think one thing…
What a crap year.
But then…a glimmer of hope.
Wait!
A freaking beacon of pure joy with a rockin’ body…
Meet Lieutenant Andy Baldwin. He’s a Navy doctor who is excited to find the love of his life.
Please Lord…bring back the hot tub.
Until Spring 2007…
All about the shame, not the fame,
Lincee
Tuesday, November 28, 2006
Tuesday, November 21, 2006
Some of the Women Tell All
Top 10 Moments of Women Tell All
1. Lisa: “I’m not as crazy as I appear to be.”
2. Agnes: “If Lorenzo like Erica…please…don’t like me.”
3. Jami: “You are such a bitch Erica. Dayum.
4. Erica: “I’m perfect the way I am, so I’m going to give myself a rose.”
5. Chach: “I think it’s a cow’s penis.”
6. Our Host Chris Harrison: “That was a terrible woody.”
7. Erica: “Jami is loud, drinks beer and rides bulls…she should be with a cowboy or football player.”
8. Sarah: “We all knew you were a Bachelor whore, but did you have to wear the wedding dress?”
9. Drunk Kim: “Hey…at least I went down in history!” (Blasphemy!)
10. Our Host Chris Harrison to Agnes: “I see you are shaking your head, but do you understand anything they are saying? Bless your heart.”
Was Chris giving me a secret shout out? I’m going with yes!
All about the shame, not the fame,
Lincee
1. Lisa: “I’m not as crazy as I appear to be.”
2. Agnes: “If Lorenzo like Erica…please…don’t like me.”
3. Jami: “You are such a bitch Erica. Dayum.
4. Erica: “I’m perfect the way I am, so I’m going to give myself a rose.”
5. Chach: “I think it’s a cow’s penis.”
6. Our Host Chris Harrison: “That was a terrible woody.”
7. Erica: “Jami is loud, drinks beer and rides bulls…she should be with a cowboy or football player.”
8. Sarah: “We all knew you were a Bachelor whore, but did you have to wear the wedding dress?”
9. Drunk Kim: “Hey…at least I went down in history!” (Blasphemy!)
10. Our Host Chris Harrison to Agnes: “I see you are shaking your head, but do you understand anything they are saying? Bless your heart.”
Was Chris giving me a secret shout out? I’m going with yes!
All about the shame, not the fame,
Lincee
Tuesday, November 14, 2006
Episode Six
Let’s begin by saying that I missed you dear reader. I feel like it’s been so long with me being in California and then ABC sneakily aired the Country Music Awards instead of our beloved Bachelor. And with only two episodes left, it will be an entire WHO KNOWS when we see each other again.
That makes me a little sad. What can I think about to cheer me up?
I KNOW! Daniel Craig as the new James Bond. A blond James Bond. He’s sexy.
I KNOW! Jim and Pam reunite on The Office this week! Hooray!
I KNOW! Chach and THE VIRGIN trying to make out under water in a pool with full scuba gear on!
There it is…that happy warm feeling mixed with anxiousness and embarrassment. Feel the Bachelor love with me and read on.
SIMPLE DISCLAIMER
The following information you are about to read is of personal opinion. If this e-mail circulates to friends, family, enemies...that is your business. However, if you or someone in your address book happens to personally know, sort of know, know the brother/cousin of, thought you saw in the grocery store buying Halloween Oreos or have a nail technician that looks exactly like one of the Bachelorettes on the show...none of this is personal and I'm sure they are all lovely people.
Like it or not, our Bachelor is at least TRYING to do the right thing with these girls. Sure he’s awkward, can’t kiss and probably hides his own V-card in his wallet, but Renzy is attempting to be a stand up guy. He’s excited about the exotic overnight forgo card dates and is very confused that each of these women hold qualities that he wants in a future wife.
Renzy was man enough to let us in on his deep thoughts as he pondered who would stay…and who would go home with there fairy tale crushed. We see these pop up throughout the night. Let’s listen in on the first one.
Deep Thoughts by Lorenzo Borghese
“I am confused. The goal here is to not be left with three women…but with one.”
A-ha. I did not get that before. Thanks for the insight.
Exotic Overnight Forgo Card Date 1
Sweden
Jen
Oh Jen. Jen is just cute as a button. Our resident cheerleader. The Prince loves that she loves her family. He loves that she loves her job. And he loves that she loves kids. But he needs to see her emotions and that she knows how to open up.
So they go on a roller coaster.
Because there is no better way to get to know someone than on a steep, sharply curving elevated railway with small open passenger cars that is operated at high speeds as the ride experiences extreme changes in gravity and abrupt turns.
Piece of cake.
Or…
To really get to know someone, you ride around in bumper cars with the ABC cameras and play shooting games at the arcade in the empty amusement park. Typically, one wins a stuffed un-identifiable animal and the REAL conversation starts when the couple decides what to name the red “thing.”
Chach: “What are you going to name him?”
Jen: “He looks like a Fred to me.”
Chach: “I was thinking Simon.”
Sparks…flying…chemistry…everywhere
Or…
Take her to an ice bar with super cute geothermal space suits and compare the temperature of this igloo to winter in New York. This way, you can have an innocent segue into finding out if she is willing to move there. Huh? HUH? Pretty sneaky.
Chach realizes that time is running out and that he may need to have a traditional grown-up conversation with Jen. He asks her a very important question:
Have you ever been in love?
Jen answers that she has been in love twice. Once with a high school boy and once in college. But she has learned from those two relationships and knows that she is stronger as a result and is ready to get married and have kids.
Yikes. Someone slipped a little crazy “Lisa” pill in her champagne…
Jen asks Chach, “What makes a relationship work?”
Deep Thoughts by Lorenzo Borghese
“I think it is a mixture of having a good time, keeping it fun and listening.”
Sweet! No need to worry about such simple details such as trust, honesty or even love. All you need is an amusement park and you are golden!
Chach gives Jen the token forgo card and asks her to stay together…as a couple…in the fantasy suite. Jen enthusiastically answers, “Heck yes!” and they are off to oooooo and ahhhhhh over the room.
We see the rose petals. We see the champagne. Nice b-roll shot of the moon. And the pièce de résistance…a lovely hot tub.
Deep Thoughts by Lorenzo Borghese
“Gosh…the water is hot!”
Insert Jim Halpert face here.
Normally, I would go straight to my random thoughts of the next exotic overnight forgo card date, but I have to point out what Our Host Chris Harrison says before the break:
“And later…will THE VIRGIN accept the fantasy card? Stay tuned to find out.”
I wonder who they are talking about? No way! Sadie is a virgin? GET OUT!
I was watching the show with my dear friend Jill. All I can say is thank you Mr. TiVo. Without the assistance of the blessed pause and rewind buttons, we would not have been able to truly appreciate the gut-busting laugh we both received from this simple sentence. Such annunciation. THE VIRGIN. Such gusto. THE VIRGIN! Play. Laugh. Repeat. Play. Laugh. Repeat. Good times.
Exotic Overnight Forgo Card Date 2
Budapest, Hungary
Lisa
Straight up, Renzy admits that he thinks Lisa may have an ulterior motive as ABC walks down memory lane of his hometown date with the psycho.
Must we? Must we re-live the infamous stack of well-read Martha Stewart Wedding magazines and the wedding dress? Yes. There she is. The blushing bride.
And bless her heart, Lisa has no clue! She thinks she rocked her hometown date. I mean, what else can you assume when your dog approves of your suitor? It must be love.
The two roam around a wine tasting and end up on a boat to talk serious talk.
This is where it gets good people.
Renzy knows that Lisa has been a big fan of the show. Watch as our little friend digs herself into a pretty deep hole:
Prince: “Why were you a fan of the Bachelor?”
Lisa: “I thought it was entertaining to watch.”
Lincee: “Oh this is going to be good…”
Prince: “Do you have a favorite Bachelor?”
Lisa: “Travis was hot…but a total tool.”
Lincee: “And Lorenzo “Captain Obvious” is not a total tool?”
Lisa: “Andy Firestone was good looking, but a sleaze.” (She picks up a shovel)
Prince: “So why would you sign up for a show where all of the guys you’ve named…your favorite Bachelors…were all tools?”
Lisa: “I thought the show was interesting.”
The ABC intern runs to Wal-Mart to get her some gardening gloves. She’s going to be pretty busy for a while getting out of this mess and may develop blisters.
And I must point out that I’m giving great big KUDOS to Renzy for calling her out. No longer will I call you Chach! Very un-Chach-like. You ARE normal!
Poor Lisa feels she has been put on the spot. She must redeem herself at dinner!
Good thing the ABC intern remembered to schlep her shovel, because we are about to get knee-deep again folks! Great TV!
Prince: “Have you ever been in love?”
Lisa: “I’ve been in love twice. One was a college guy, but we just lost the passion when I met someone else.”
That happens with infidelity.
Lisa: “It was intense and we fell in love immediately. We broke up in February.”
Prince: “You are here signing up for this show three weeks after you break up with some guy you really love?”
Lisa: (putting on her gloves and grabbing the shovel) “I signed up on a whim.”
Hi Lisa? It’s Lincee. Let’s stay away from any talk about you knowing the Bachelor backwards and forwards and that you have a timeline. No wedding talk. I know it is hard, but you are way too manipulative to let him find out that you are psycho. Game on Lisa!
Prince: “I will never move to Oregon. I hate ducks. Would you move to New York? I know a bar that we can go to where you can experience what it will be like during winter in New York.”
Lisa: “It gets cold in Oregon, but thanks. I don’t know if I want to move to NY. Let’s cross that bridge (checks her timeline) when we get there in eight months and three weeks.”
Prince: “You know this show is about getting engaged and finding the love of your life, right?”
Jill and I are whooping and hollering! GO PRINCE! Dig deeper LISA! Buh-bye! Don’t let the palace door hit you on the way out! Very Prince-like. The anti-Chach!
Hold up. Wait a minute.
Tell me my eyes are deceiving me and my boy is NOT pulling out the token forgo card. Renzy…you better have some sort of evil plan or cruel joke coming up.
Lisa: “I know what it says,” she exclaimed as she throws down her shovel. “You don’t have to read it. YES, I WILL ACCOMPANY YOU TO THE FANTASY SUITE!”
Please. As if he is going to give you the fantasy card now. He is PRINCE LORENZO! Gone are the days of Chach. He is on to you and your timeline you psycho Bachelorette.
Then he gives her the card.
So close…
Chach hopes that Lisa will be more herself (what?) and explains that the fantasy suite is all about having fun (second base) and that he wants to get to know her on a more personal level (what color are your panties?)
He tries to tell the camera that he was breaking Lisa’s confidence of always having a rose and getting the diamond earrings. He said that she is a planner and that he wanted to mix it up a bit by ruining her timeline to see how she reacted.
Whatever Chach. You did it all for the nookie.
Lisa tells the camera that she was a bit “off” that day, but at the end of the night there was definitely romance.
Exotic Overnight Forgo Card Date 3
Sicily
Sadie THE VIRGIN (not that there’s anything wrong with that…)
If you didn’t know, Sadie is saving herself for marriage. THE VIRGIN, has been craving one-on-one time but is super anxious about what she will do with the forgo card.
They hang out at an indoor pool. Nothing says romance like the echoy sounds of deep conversations about v-cards with a nice chlorine aroma to get you in the mood.
Oh yeah? How about SCUBA DIVING! Love is in the air.
We watch some quality TV as THE VIRGIN gets her scuba license. Lots of talk about sharks in the pool (good one Chach) and goggles and bobbing of things.
Then comes the moment where Jill and I had to pause, laugh, rewind and laugh again. The underwater kiss. Oh that kiss. It must go down in Bachelor history. I will find a screen shot and put it on the desktop of my computer. I’m not kidding around. There must have been about four takes, because it was extremely orchestrated. Sucking up your oxygen, pulling out your breathing apparatus, floating to the top of the four-foot-deep shallow end of the pool, going in with “goggle lips” and trying to make contact with an already bad kisser? Such effort! So bad, yet so good.
THE VIRGIN tells the camera that Chach is the kind of man you can entrust your whole heart. They talk about all of her “firsts” since she has been on the show. Her first time to get a massage outside. First time to scuba dive in a swimming pool. First time to fly a plane. Nice try ABC. We don’t buy your foreshadowing.
She talks a little bit more about how she is reserved and that she is saving herself for marriage…get out… and then proceeds to straddle the Prince for a super sexy massage.
They go have dinner in the big yellow room, and talk about what they want in life from a relationship.
Sadie divulges that she is a virgin and Chach says he wants someone that respects him, has the same passions and does not wake up in a bad mood.
Insert second Jim Halpert face here.
Deep Thoughts by Prince Borghese
“I think every year, life gets shorter and shorter.”
After finishing their wine from the ginormous glasses, THE VIRGIN has a panic attack and leaves the bright yellow room for the hallway to breathe. She must process her emotions because the forgo card is coming and she has no idea what to do!
Instead of being a cool virgin, THE VIRGIN enters the room, sits down and begins a long soliloquy of how she is saving herself for marriage. The fantasy card is not something she is used to, but that doesn’t mean that she doesn’t want to spend time with Renzy. But she is a virgin and must stand strong.
Chach stops her from embarrassing herself one more instant on national TV and explains that he likes classy conservative women and that is why he is offering her a card. There is no pressure and he wants her to accept the card and be normal.
THE VIRGIN: “He didn’t expect any anything but to spend time with me…and that’s what you would expect from a prince!”
Vomit.
Rose Ceremony
Deep Thoughts by Lorenzo Borghese
“Thanks for everything. I’m not the type of guy that dates three women…if you don’t mind I want to get this over with because it is really hard on my side.”
I have to admit that I thought ABC was going to pull one over on me. I was sure they would kick Jen to the curb and leave us with psycho and THE VIRGIN. But alas, he did not offer Lisa a rose. Lisa in her “pre-wedding white” rose ceremony dress.
Bless Lisa’s heart. Maybe her friend still has the receipt to David’s Bridal and can return the dress.
Renzy is honest with Lisa and says that he didn’t want to hurt her any more, but he felt she was in it for the wrong reasons. He didn’t want to be run by a “biological calendar” and wanted her to love him because he was Renzy. Not a Prince. Not a guy with a pulse. Renzy.
Lisa jumps back in the hole she had been digging earlier and starts explaining that she was in it for fun and that she would never marry someone according to a timeline.
Renzy calls her out… “Exactly. Your number one reason for doing this is for fun. Not to find a match.”
He shoves her into the limo for the ABC psychotherapist to take care of and we see Lisa fall apart before our very eyes. The hyperventilating was so bad that the ABC translator (who as we know speaks fluent drunk) could not even make out what she said. She finishes breathing in the paper bag and tells the viewing audience that she will always be a princess.
Then she starts flirting with the ABC intern, because let’s face it…no one is getting any younger here!
Women Tell All next week. So much material. So little time.
All about the shame, not the fame,
Lincee
That makes me a little sad. What can I think about to cheer me up?
I KNOW! Daniel Craig as the new James Bond. A blond James Bond. He’s sexy.
I KNOW! Jim and Pam reunite on The Office this week! Hooray!
I KNOW! Chach and THE VIRGIN trying to make out under water in a pool with full scuba gear on!
There it is…that happy warm feeling mixed with anxiousness and embarrassment. Feel the Bachelor love with me and read on.
SIMPLE DISCLAIMER
The following information you are about to read is of personal opinion. If this e-mail circulates to friends, family, enemies...that is your business. However, if you or someone in your address book happens to personally know, sort of know, know the brother/cousin of, thought you saw in the grocery store buying Halloween Oreos or have a nail technician that looks exactly like one of the Bachelorettes on the show...none of this is personal and I'm sure they are all lovely people.
Like it or not, our Bachelor is at least TRYING to do the right thing with these girls. Sure he’s awkward, can’t kiss and probably hides his own V-card in his wallet, but Renzy is attempting to be a stand up guy. He’s excited about the exotic overnight forgo card dates and is very confused that each of these women hold qualities that he wants in a future wife.
Renzy was man enough to let us in on his deep thoughts as he pondered who would stay…and who would go home with there fairy tale crushed. We see these pop up throughout the night. Let’s listen in on the first one.
Deep Thoughts by Lorenzo Borghese
“I am confused. The goal here is to not be left with three women…but with one.”
A-ha. I did not get that before. Thanks for the insight.
Exotic Overnight Forgo Card Date 1
Sweden
Jen
Oh Jen. Jen is just cute as a button. Our resident cheerleader. The Prince loves that she loves her family. He loves that she loves her job. And he loves that she loves kids. But he needs to see her emotions and that she knows how to open up.
So they go on a roller coaster.
Because there is no better way to get to know someone than on a steep, sharply curving elevated railway with small open passenger cars that is operated at high speeds as the ride experiences extreme changes in gravity and abrupt turns.
Piece of cake.
Or…
To really get to know someone, you ride around in bumper cars with the ABC cameras and play shooting games at the arcade in the empty amusement park. Typically, one wins a stuffed un-identifiable animal and the REAL conversation starts when the couple decides what to name the red “thing.”
Chach: “What are you going to name him?”
Jen: “He looks like a Fred to me.”
Chach: “I was thinking Simon.”
Sparks…flying…chemistry…everywhere
Or…
Take her to an ice bar with super cute geothermal space suits and compare the temperature of this igloo to winter in New York. This way, you can have an innocent segue into finding out if she is willing to move there. Huh? HUH? Pretty sneaky.
Chach realizes that time is running out and that he may need to have a traditional grown-up conversation with Jen. He asks her a very important question:
Have you ever been in love?
Jen answers that she has been in love twice. Once with a high school boy and once in college. But she has learned from those two relationships and knows that she is stronger as a result and is ready to get married and have kids.
Yikes. Someone slipped a little crazy “Lisa” pill in her champagne…
Jen asks Chach, “What makes a relationship work?”
Deep Thoughts by Lorenzo Borghese
“I think it is a mixture of having a good time, keeping it fun and listening.”
Sweet! No need to worry about such simple details such as trust, honesty or even love. All you need is an amusement park and you are golden!
Chach gives Jen the token forgo card and asks her to stay together…as a couple…in the fantasy suite. Jen enthusiastically answers, “Heck yes!” and they are off to oooooo and ahhhhhh over the room.
We see the rose petals. We see the champagne. Nice b-roll shot of the moon. And the pièce de résistance…a lovely hot tub.
Deep Thoughts by Lorenzo Borghese
“Gosh…the water is hot!”
Insert Jim Halpert face here.
Normally, I would go straight to my random thoughts of the next exotic overnight forgo card date, but I have to point out what Our Host Chris Harrison says before the break:
“And later…will THE VIRGIN accept the fantasy card? Stay tuned to find out.”
I wonder who they are talking about? No way! Sadie is a virgin? GET OUT!
I was watching the show with my dear friend Jill. All I can say is thank you Mr. TiVo. Without the assistance of the blessed pause and rewind buttons, we would not have been able to truly appreciate the gut-busting laugh we both received from this simple sentence. Such annunciation. THE VIRGIN. Such gusto. THE VIRGIN! Play. Laugh. Repeat. Play. Laugh. Repeat. Good times.
Exotic Overnight Forgo Card Date 2
Budapest, Hungary
Lisa
Straight up, Renzy admits that he thinks Lisa may have an ulterior motive as ABC walks down memory lane of his hometown date with the psycho.
Must we? Must we re-live the infamous stack of well-read Martha Stewart Wedding magazines and the wedding dress? Yes. There she is. The blushing bride.
And bless her heart, Lisa has no clue! She thinks she rocked her hometown date. I mean, what else can you assume when your dog approves of your suitor? It must be love.
The two roam around a wine tasting and end up on a boat to talk serious talk.
This is where it gets good people.
Renzy knows that Lisa has been a big fan of the show. Watch as our little friend digs herself into a pretty deep hole:
Prince: “Why were you a fan of the Bachelor?”
Lisa: “I thought it was entertaining to watch.”
Lincee: “Oh this is going to be good…”
Prince: “Do you have a favorite Bachelor?”
Lisa: “Travis was hot…but a total tool.”
Lincee: “And Lorenzo “Captain Obvious” is not a total tool?”
Lisa: “Andy Firestone was good looking, but a sleaze.” (She picks up a shovel)
Prince: “So why would you sign up for a show where all of the guys you’ve named…your favorite Bachelors…were all tools?”
Lisa: “I thought the show was interesting.”
The ABC intern runs to Wal-Mart to get her some gardening gloves. She’s going to be pretty busy for a while getting out of this mess and may develop blisters.
And I must point out that I’m giving great big KUDOS to Renzy for calling her out. No longer will I call you Chach! Very un-Chach-like. You ARE normal!
Poor Lisa feels she has been put on the spot. She must redeem herself at dinner!
Good thing the ABC intern remembered to schlep her shovel, because we are about to get knee-deep again folks! Great TV!
Prince: “Have you ever been in love?”
Lisa: “I’ve been in love twice. One was a college guy, but we just lost the passion when I met someone else.”
That happens with infidelity.
Lisa: “It was intense and we fell in love immediately. We broke up in February.”
Prince: “You are here signing up for this show three weeks after you break up with some guy you really love?”
Lisa: (putting on her gloves and grabbing the shovel) “I signed up on a whim.”
Hi Lisa? It’s Lincee. Let’s stay away from any talk about you knowing the Bachelor backwards and forwards and that you have a timeline. No wedding talk. I know it is hard, but you are way too manipulative to let him find out that you are psycho. Game on Lisa!
Prince: “I will never move to Oregon. I hate ducks. Would you move to New York? I know a bar that we can go to where you can experience what it will be like during winter in New York.”
Lisa: “It gets cold in Oregon, but thanks. I don’t know if I want to move to NY. Let’s cross that bridge (checks her timeline) when we get there in eight months and three weeks.”
Prince: “You know this show is about getting engaged and finding the love of your life, right?”
Jill and I are whooping and hollering! GO PRINCE! Dig deeper LISA! Buh-bye! Don’t let the palace door hit you on the way out! Very Prince-like. The anti-Chach!
Hold up. Wait a minute.
Tell me my eyes are deceiving me and my boy is NOT pulling out the token forgo card. Renzy…you better have some sort of evil plan or cruel joke coming up.
Lisa: “I know what it says,” she exclaimed as she throws down her shovel. “You don’t have to read it. YES, I WILL ACCOMPANY YOU TO THE FANTASY SUITE!”
Please. As if he is going to give you the fantasy card now. He is PRINCE LORENZO! Gone are the days of Chach. He is on to you and your timeline you psycho Bachelorette.
Then he gives her the card.
So close…
Chach hopes that Lisa will be more herself (what?) and explains that the fantasy suite is all about having fun (second base) and that he wants to get to know her on a more personal level (what color are your panties?)
He tries to tell the camera that he was breaking Lisa’s confidence of always having a rose and getting the diamond earrings. He said that she is a planner and that he wanted to mix it up a bit by ruining her timeline to see how she reacted.
Whatever Chach. You did it all for the nookie.
Lisa tells the camera that she was a bit “off” that day, but at the end of the night there was definitely romance.
Exotic Overnight Forgo Card Date 3
Sicily
Sadie THE VIRGIN (not that there’s anything wrong with that…)
If you didn’t know, Sadie is saving herself for marriage. THE VIRGIN, has been craving one-on-one time but is super anxious about what she will do with the forgo card.
They hang out at an indoor pool. Nothing says romance like the echoy sounds of deep conversations about v-cards with a nice chlorine aroma to get you in the mood.
Oh yeah? How about SCUBA DIVING! Love is in the air.
We watch some quality TV as THE VIRGIN gets her scuba license. Lots of talk about sharks in the pool (good one Chach) and goggles and bobbing of things.
Then comes the moment where Jill and I had to pause, laugh, rewind and laugh again. The underwater kiss. Oh that kiss. It must go down in Bachelor history. I will find a screen shot and put it on the desktop of my computer. I’m not kidding around. There must have been about four takes, because it was extremely orchestrated. Sucking up your oxygen, pulling out your breathing apparatus, floating to the top of the four-foot-deep shallow end of the pool, going in with “goggle lips” and trying to make contact with an already bad kisser? Such effort! So bad, yet so good.
THE VIRGIN tells the camera that Chach is the kind of man you can entrust your whole heart. They talk about all of her “firsts” since she has been on the show. Her first time to get a massage outside. First time to scuba dive in a swimming pool. First time to fly a plane. Nice try ABC. We don’t buy your foreshadowing.
She talks a little bit more about how she is reserved and that she is saving herself for marriage…get out… and then proceeds to straddle the Prince for a super sexy massage.
They go have dinner in the big yellow room, and talk about what they want in life from a relationship.
Sadie divulges that she is a virgin and Chach says he wants someone that respects him, has the same passions and does not wake up in a bad mood.
Insert second Jim Halpert face here.
Deep Thoughts by Prince Borghese
“I think every year, life gets shorter and shorter.”
After finishing their wine from the ginormous glasses, THE VIRGIN has a panic attack and leaves the bright yellow room for the hallway to breathe. She must process her emotions because the forgo card is coming and she has no idea what to do!
Instead of being a cool virgin, THE VIRGIN enters the room, sits down and begins a long soliloquy of how she is saving herself for marriage. The fantasy card is not something she is used to, but that doesn’t mean that she doesn’t want to spend time with Renzy. But she is a virgin and must stand strong.
Chach stops her from embarrassing herself one more instant on national TV and explains that he likes classy conservative women and that is why he is offering her a card. There is no pressure and he wants her to accept the card and be normal.
THE VIRGIN: “He didn’t expect any anything but to spend time with me…and that’s what you would expect from a prince!”
Vomit.
Rose Ceremony
Deep Thoughts by Lorenzo Borghese
“Thanks for everything. I’m not the type of guy that dates three women…if you don’t mind I want to get this over with because it is really hard on my side.”
I have to admit that I thought ABC was going to pull one over on me. I was sure they would kick Jen to the curb and leave us with psycho and THE VIRGIN. But alas, he did not offer Lisa a rose. Lisa in her “pre-wedding white” rose ceremony dress.
Bless Lisa’s heart. Maybe her friend still has the receipt to David’s Bridal and can return the dress.
Renzy is honest with Lisa and says that he didn’t want to hurt her any more, but he felt she was in it for the wrong reasons. He didn’t want to be run by a “biological calendar” and wanted her to love him because he was Renzy. Not a Prince. Not a guy with a pulse. Renzy.
Lisa jumps back in the hole she had been digging earlier and starts explaining that she was in it for fun and that she would never marry someone according to a timeline.
Renzy calls her out… “Exactly. Your number one reason for doing this is for fun. Not to find a match.”
He shoves her into the limo for the ABC psychotherapist to take care of and we see Lisa fall apart before our very eyes. The hyperventilating was so bad that the ABC translator (who as we know speaks fluent drunk) could not even make out what she said. She finishes breathing in the paper bag and tells the viewing audience that she will always be a princess.
Then she starts flirting with the ABC intern, because let’s face it…no one is getting any younger here!
Women Tell All next week. So much material. So little time.
All about the shame, not the fame,
Lincee
Monday, November 06, 2006
Another Week...
I've just learned that the Country Music Awards are tonight and the Bachelor will NOT air on ABC. We will have to wait and ENTIRE WEEK to see what happens in the super exotic suites during the super exotic fantasy dates. To forgo or not to forgo...that is the question.
In the meantime, feel free to check out some pictures of my recent trip to Cali. I'll spare the ones of all the oil rigs and concentrate on the Disneyland detour. I was roaming down Main Street when I spotted a sign. Edyta and Joey from Dancing with the Stars would be performing that day!
I'm a fan of the show. Sort of fan of Joey (whoa). I wish he would loosen his face up a bit when he performs. But I ABSOLUTELY LOVE EDYTA! And the two of them together are fabulous! They taped the show for Tuesday's airing. I'll be one of the crazy people in the ginormous crowd that gathered. Unfortunately, I didn't get picked to hold a "Canada Loves Joey" sign, so you'll have to spy me.
Oh...and check out Edyta's legs. Mine look just like that...
In the meantime, feel free to check out some pictures of my recent trip to Cali. I'll spare the ones of all the oil rigs and concentrate on the Disneyland detour. I was roaming down Main Street when I spotted a sign. Edyta and Joey from Dancing with the Stars would be performing that day!
I'm a fan of the show. Sort of fan of Joey (whoa). I wish he would loosen his face up a bit when he performs. But I ABSOLUTELY LOVE EDYTA! And the two of them together are fabulous! They taped the show for Tuesday's airing. I'll be one of the crazy people in the ginormous crowd that gathered. Unfortunately, I didn't get picked to hold a "Canada Loves Joey" sign, so you'll have to spy me.
Oh...and check out Edyta's legs. Mine look just like that...
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