He’s not that good on paper.
Yeah. That sentence is ridiculous. The phrase “he’s not that good” doesn’t even make sense when it comes to Brad Womack.
Unless, of course, it’s followed by: “He’s not that good covering up his hotness.”
Did you see the two second shower scene? Two words…GOOD LORD!
I’m just saying.
SIMPLE DISCLAIMER
The following information you are about to read is of personal opinion. You probably aren’t even reading this because the simple disclaimer has been a part of my recap since the days I emailed this puppy to just a few of my closer friends. HA! Fooled you. You’ve skipped this witty banter and will not know what in the world your friends are talking about when they say, “Did you like the new disclaimer Lincee did?” However, if you or someone on your Facebook page happens to personally know, sort of know, know the brother/cousin of, thought you saw in the grocery store buying spaghetti O’s or have a Pilates instructor that looks exactly like one of the Bachelorettes on the show...none of this is personal and I'm sure they are all lovely people.
Jenni Couric Hometown Date
Wichita, Kansas
LINCEE’S TOP NINE THOUGHT PROVOKING MOMENTS
1. Why do we care?
The question I asked myself as Jenni tap dances (without tap shoes) on the stage at the Mary Jane Teall Theater…the exact same theater she won $50 from her first dancing competition
2. She needs to work on her self esteem issues.
The sarcastic Lincee coming out when Jenni tells Brad that dancing is her passion and she is really good at it.
3. We know you are faking it.
What we all thought when Jenni yelled, “This is embarrassing!” while dancing on national TV and hamming it up for the camera.
4. “She’s not a walking baby factory.”
Grandma Betty’s response to Brad telling the family he and his brothers are all ready to have families.
5. NO NO NO AWKWARD NO NO NO!
What I yelled at the camera when Mama Vicky started washing Brad’s hair at her salon. The blue towel wrapped around his noggin was a little femmy as well.
6. Look at me…I’m Sandra Dee!
The song that popped in my head when Sister Tiffany flat ironed Jen’s hair as they bonded over the fact that she’s falling in love with Danny Zuko.
7. HA!
Cracking up when Daddy Richard asks Brad if he has any goals. After beginning his memorized speech that our host Chris Harrison so thoughtfully prepared for him, Dad interrupts with, “You don’t have to tell me what they are…I just want to know she is taken care of.”
8. Uh-oh!
That gut feeling I’ve come to recognize as intuition…let the record show Brad is NOT sold on Jenni staying in Kansas to dance for Phoenix Suns. Even though he said he is willing to compromise and if it is true love, it will last a year. I’m personally not buying it.
9. I think 100 percent would have worked.
My reaction to Jenni telling Brad that if he picked her, she would be in the relationship a million percent. Heck…let’s throw in a bazillion, trillion plus infinity for good measure.
Sheena Hometown Date
Walnut Creek, California
LINCEE’S TOP NINE THOUGHT PROVOKING MOMENTS
1. She’s just a fetus.
What always comes to mind when Sheena’s age of 23 pops up under her name.
2. ME TOO!
My exclamation to the TV that Brad and I have the same zodiac sign.
3. A quizzical, “Hmmm.”
My reaction to Sheena’s Mom Bev telling Brad that the stars have lined up for him and her daughter.
4. Huh?
Again…Mom Bev talking about the Big Dipper and sitting in a Jacuzzi out back and how all of Sheena’s ancestors are looking down…and watching with celestial approval.
5. What the crap!?!
Here we have Bev again telling Brad…verbatim: “I know she’s the one, whether she’s your one or someone else’s one. There is no other one, because one is one. And I know she is THE ONE!”
6. [Giggling]
Kudos to the ABC Producers for inserting the random New Age plunky music in the background as Madam Bev continues to consult her crystals for further proof that Brad is THE ONE.
7. Oh dear.
Surprise, surprise, Madam Bev clues us in on another one of her famous discoveries: “When I saw your eyes, I saw them together.” Was she expecting the first Cyclops Bachelor?
8. Don’t go there…too late!
Sheena walks in the room and gives her Mom a certain look as if to say, “I told you not to talk about stars aligning.” Bev shrugs as if to say, “GUILTY!” and decides to dive into another topic. MARRIAGE! “We are ready to commit. I mean she is ready to commit. She is ready to be one man’s everything. Every Mom wants her daughter to be married. Cut to the chase…let’s get the ring…we’ve already got the flower girl and bridesmaids. I just see you guys together forever. It’s written…literally…in the stars. Orion to be exact.”
9. She’s done.
Sheena tells Brad that her family is so much of who she is. It was at this point that I knew Sheena was done. And there was no physical chemistry in his face or body language when they were in the hot tub directly under the Big Dipper. There were no bubbles in the hot tub either. Just pointing that out.
DeAHnna’s Hometown Date
Canton, Georgia
LINCEE’S TOP EIGHT THOUGHT PROVOKING MOMENTS
1. Purple crush pride foam finger
The gift I would…nay…WILL bring Brad when he visits Hallsville, Texas…home of the fighting Bobcats. DeAHnna brings him a bushel of peaches. So cliché.
2. She’s 25?
My reaction to DeAHnna’s Dad telling Brad that he has known his daughter for 25 years and can recognize a sparkle in her eyes. I had her at 28, 29, 30-years-old. Great. She’s a fetus too! I don’t see Brad marrying a fetus!
3. [teary]
I’m just that way, okay? I sort of teared up with DeAHnna pulls out a photo album that had pictures of her Mom. Brad loves that her Mom’s death has made DeAHnna a stronger woman.
4. [teary…again]
DeAHnna’s sister Christy telling her that their Mom is watching over her and proud…no matter what happens.
5. I was a swarthy 12-year-old with sideburns.
My favorite line from My Big Fat Greek Wedding that popped in my head when Brad compared DeAHnna’s family to the movie.
6. I love PaPoo and YaYa!
How cute were her grandparents?
7. OPAH!
Brad throwing back the alcohol with PaPoo and YaYa. Reminded me of my recent Ukrainian experience http://ihategreenbeans.blogspot.com/2007/09/heres-to-vodka.html.
8. She may go all the way.
Self explanatory.
Bettina’s Hometown Date
Washington, DC
LINCEE’S TOP EIGHT THOUGHT PROVOKING MOMENTS
1. Did we just return from a workout?
Why was Bettina wearing Pilates pants to meet the man of my dreams?
2. What an a$$.
My reaction to Bettina’s Dad asking about his future. Brad explains that he went to Southwest Texas State (I refuse to call it Texas State) but didn’t graduate. He then went into business for himself. Bettina’s Dad gives a grimace. Brad asks what brought their family to DC and Dad answers with a smug half-laugh, “I was offered a professorship.”
3. Seriously. He really is an a$$.
I received confirmation of my previous statement when Daddy Robert tells the camera, “It is a great disappointment that Brad isn’t educated.”
4. Wow. They are a perfect match.
Mother Anne has similar views as her pompous husband. “I don’t like that my step-daughter has hooked up with a guy who runs a bunch of bars.”
5. Oh I get it…
I assume that Daddy is disappointed that things didn’t work out with Bettina’s perfect Harvard first husband. He tells the camera, “This is definitely not the way I want her to meet a guy. Her first husband was wonderful and she’s not going to find any better.”
6. I think Bettina is brainwashed.
Bless her heart, I start to feel sorry for Bettina. She tells the camera that her Dad’s opinion means the world to her. He counters with: “I have three issues. Obviously, the bar issue. Education is a definite disappointment. And can you see yourself moving to Austin?”
7. Or she’s just on crack.
Brad tells Bettina that he felt judged during their parent visit. Brad: “I want to feel welcome in your family. I may not have education, but I’m sure not going to judge anybody.” Bettina: “I don’t look that great on paper either.”
It took me a few rewinds and careful lip reading to finally realize that is what she said. BAD MOVE BETTINA! What in the world?
8. Bettina is not THE ONE.
Even though she got a rose last night, I feel Bettina is not going to be THE ONE. Brad: “I’ve worked really hard and that is what defines me. I don’t like that I’m defending myself. I want to spend my life with somebody whether it looks good on paper or not.” Families are big with Brad. And I think they are a deal breaker.”
It’s easy for me to say that I knew Bettina would get a rose the day after the rose ceremony. But there was too much ABC “drama editing” and that typically means the Bachelorette stays.
Poor Sheena and her super fabulous earrings get the boot. She’s doing a lovely job of keeping it together as Brad leads her to the tiny wicker bench that is most definitely not made for two. She compliments him on looking good. He tells her to quit being so nice. He starts with his rehearsed soliloquy:
“I think you are so deserving of happiness in a perfect guy. I wish that I was that guy, I just don’t think I am.”
And out of NOWHERE, Sheena loses it with…I shutter to recall…ugly crying. You know what I’m talking about. Bless her heart. Sheena, the Princess of Power, clings to Brad’s neck for dear life and confesses that he is the first thing she thinks of in the morning and the last thing she thinks of when she goes to bed. She inhales deeply, trying to embrace his smell and forever remember the aroma.
Brad puts her in the limo and tells the camera that there was zero chemistry.
Who’s pumped about the exciting forgo dates in Cabo? SWEETNESS!
All about the shame, not the fame,
Lincee
Tuesday, October 30, 2007
Wednesday, October 24, 2007
Slip-N-Slide + National TV = Just Wrong
So there I was on Continental flight 822 from Colombia. We had just landed and I, under strict orders from those in my immediate family, called to say I was back in Houston the minute the plane touched the runway. My Mom and sister Jamie are both teachers, so I left voice messages for them. My Dad, who never answers his cell phone, greeted me with a booming, “HOLA!” when I dialed his number.
Lincee: “Hey Daddy. I’m back!”
Daddy: “Did you call your mother?”
Lincee: “Yes. Left a voice message.”
Daddy: “Good. She wants to hear from you. Apparently there was a meltdown.”
Lincee: (shocked) “What? Who had a meltdown? Is everything okay?”
Daddy: “I don’t know…I don’t watch that show.”
Lincee: “Show?”
Daddy: “Yeah. Your show. Some girl freaked out and it’s all everybody is talking about on your recap. Oh…and Marie Osmond fainted on that other show that comes on before The Bachelor.”
It’s good to be home people.
SIMPLE DISCLAIMER
The following information you are about to read is of personal opinion. You probably aren’t even reading this because the simple disclaimer has been a part of my recap since the days I emailed this puppy to just a few of my closer friends. HA! Fooled you. You’ve skipped this witty banter and will not know what in the world your friends are talking about when they say, “Did you like the new disclaimer Lincee did?” However, if you or someone on your Facebook page happens to personally know, sort of know, know the brother/cousin of, thought you saw in the grocery store buying spaghetti O’s or have a Pilates instructor that looks exactly like one of the Bachelorettes on the show...none of this is personal and I'm sure they are all lovely people.
I was in my Bogotá hotel room, trying miserably to convince myself that the mattress I was laying on was NOT made of pure concrete, when my cell phone gives a familiar ring.
Text message from friend Kristin:
“I've got to tell you your favorite host Chris is wearing a very unfortunate shirt on the Bachelor tonight."
Indeed. He looked like an 80-year-old man who had just returned from a week-long cruise in the Caribbean. Tommy Bahama gathers the girls together to explain that two will be going home and four will have opportunity to take Brad on hometown dates.
One-on-One Date
Bettina
“Join me for a romantic evening on the water.”
Crazy Hillary opens the first date box and announces Bettina’s name through gritted teeth. They rifle through the random crap that the ABC intern frantically tossed in a box to discover that Brad is taking Bettina on a gondola ride.
Kristy: “You know what you are supposed to do under bridges, don’t you?”
Bettina: “No…”
Kristy: “You are supposed to kiss him.”
Poor Kristy. Get your head in the game.
Jenni giggles, Hillary attempts to stop Kristy’s heart by using only her brain power and DDAHnna tells the camera that Bettina has the “mystery thing going on…and it’s working.”
Bradley thinks Bettina has all the potential in world to be that girl he’s looking for, but he wants to see if she can relax and be herself. She confides in him that as more time goes on, she is getting comfortable. She thanks him for his patience and tells him that she has so much faith in him. He makes it easier for her.
It is at this point that I’m uninterested in the conversation and find myself loving the fact that Brad is sitting Indian style on the blanket. Why this is attractive to me, I don’t know. I’m just bored with Bettina and wonder, as the other girls do, about her intentions. She’s off to me.
Brad takes this opportunity to ask Bettina about her past. She admits that she is not proud of the fact that she is divorced but could not go through life being unsatisfied. She wants to be completely in love.
Brad finds this endearing and tells her all he wants to do is hug her. He thinks she is “drop dead gorgeous” and so many things about her are perfect.
Cut to the gondola. I’m cracking up because I can imagine this “river” they are on is in a fancy shopping center somewhere. Sort of like the Venetian in Las Vegas. Bettina is awkward and talks about being nervous.
WHAT IN THE WORLD ARE YOUR NERVOUS ABOUT BETTINA! HAVE YOU SEEN THE FREAKISHLY HOT GUY YOU ARE SITTING NEXT TO? DID YOU NOTICE THE BRIDGE YOU JUST FLOATED UNDER?
Such a waste of a perfectly good date.
Brad is pretty good with the context clues and starts a conversation about how he wants to move things slowly and gives her kudos for trying to open up. He falls all over himself letting her know that it is okay for her to take her time and wants her to talk when she is ready.
And like a nine-year-old, she quickly gives him a peck on the cheek and shows no body language of him getting to first base.
Group date
Jenni
Hillary
DDAHnna
Kristy
“Come to my house for a pool party.”
WHOOOOO HOOOOOOOOOO!!! The scream that could be heard for miles. It didn’t dawn on me, other than the fact that she’s from Crazy Town, why Hillary was making such a huge deal about this date. We find out later that she is the only one who hasn’t seen our Bachelor without a shirt.
I guess there is reason to celebrate. I’ll erase one crazy mark by her name.
Right of the bat, we learn that Kristy is not a pool person.
AAAAAANNNNNNNNDDDDDDD there you have it. Bye, bye Kristy.
As if the footage was straight out of the MTV Spring Break Beach House, we see girls cart wheeling of the side of the pool. (Kristy sitting casually on the lounge chairs.) Girls doing cannonballs into the deep end. (Kristy dipping a perfectly manicured toe in the water to check the temperature.) Girls playing chicken with Brad. Hillary announcing to the camera that “Brad is between my legs!” (Kristy finding sanctuary under an umbrella as not to taint her alabaster skin.) And who could forget the underwater crotch shot scenes? Simply classic!
And then…there was the slip-n-slide. The Wet Banana if you will.
Does this not have ABC intern written all over it?
Why Bachelorettes? Why? Why would you fling yourself onto a skinny little piece of yellow plastic with tiny trickles of water scantily spraying the length the apparatus? We’ve all been on a slip-n-slide. They never…ever…work. Most of the time, you forget that there is GROUND underneath the devil toy and your brain somehow thinks that the Wet Banana is going to cushion your fall like a pillow. Wrong. And if you manage to get a good slide in, there are typically two outcomes: you slide a few feet and hit a dry spot that results in a raspberry burn or you are flung off the side and greeted to a mouthful of freshly cut grass that sticks to every part of your body.
I’m just saying.
Hillary flings with reckless abandonment.
DDAHnna gets a wedgie.
Jenni does flip flops down the slip-n-slide.
Kristy brushes her hair in the air conditioning.
Hillary steals some time with Brad and they chill on a big float in the deep end of the pool. Let’s listen in on their conversation:
Hill: I think you are an awesome guy.
Brad: I think you are an amazing person.
Hill: Straight up now tell me, do you really want to love me forever?
Brad: I think you are sweet and sincere and I’m so comfortable with you.
Hill: We should be lovers.
Brad: We can’t do that.
Hill: We should be lovers. And that’s a fact.
Brad to the camera: I wonder if this is just a friendship and not romance.
Hillary to camera: I can tell that we have chemistry. It makes me happy that he is comfortable with me.
It is what happens next that we can for sure, 100%, without a doubt, unmistakably confirm that our gal Hillary is officially off her rocker. Remember, she’s just told the ABC psychotherapist that the chemistry between she and Brad is palpable. She can feel it in the air.
She then goes into pretty graphic detail of all the other things she’d like to feel.
Hillary: I would let Brad ravish me any time. I would want him to BEEP my BEEP and then I would BEEP while he BEEP on the BEEP. After we BEEP, I would show him my BEEP and BEEP with a BEEP so we could BEEP on the BEEP for BEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEP. I’m trying to think of something G-Rated to say.
Not needed Hillary. We get the picture. Literally.
Unfortunately for him, Brad was not around to hear that Hill was going to BEEP his BEEP the first chance she got. He had taken DDAHnna over to some random chairs out by the pool. They sit awkwardly and talk about how they think about each other. It was obvious to the viewing audience that Brad wanted to at least kiss DDAH, but he chickens out after sneaking a look behind his shoulder to find Jenni practicing her toe touching, Kristy balancing a book on her head and Hillary waving to him like a complete fool.
On the other hand, my boy takes Jenni to a secluded hammock to make out for 15 minutes. Interesting.
One-on-One Date
Sheena
“Treasures await you.”
Brad tells the camera that spending time with Sheena is important because his brother thinks she is the bomb. He picks her up in some flip flops and jeans and tells her that there will be surprises all night long.
Surprise 1
Six gowns from which to choose. Sheena says she’s drawn to the white one, but will wait to wear that later. Wink, wink! (Blech.) Brad sends her up the stairs to try one on and is chomping at the bit to see her in the dress. You see reader, Brad is a romantic person. He loves the fairy tale ending. He sees her coming down the stairs and can’t wait to embrace her with his loving…
Surprise 2
BOOM, BOOM, BOOM, BOOM…
Sheena bites the dust. Brad laughs…in a polite way. Lincee watched it six times.
Surprise 3
Sheena limps onto the veranda full of white balloons. They hug and sway. It’s like walking on clouds.
Surprise 4
He gives her a pair of diamond earrings before dinner because he just can’t wait. He loves surprises. And I love him, but that’s neither here nor there. Brad asks why Sheena is still single. She says it’s because she is picky. Brad starts talking about Chad again. Red flag. He then tells the camera that she is solid, beautiful and would make an amazing wife.
Surprise 5
Small orchestra is around the corner by the pool, playing soft music.
Brad: Would you care to dance?
Sheena: I would love to. You are a great dancer.
Brad: You are a beautiful woman. I love how you always smile.
Sheena: How could I not.
Perfect kiss.
Back at the Bachelorette pad, Jenni and Bettina are up waiting for Sheena to get back from her date. She flaunts the earrings and goes into long-winded detail of each surprise. Bettina said compared to Sheena, her date sucked and announces she is going to bed.
BEST TEASER OF THE NIGHT:
“Up next…the most shocking rose ceremony ever…when Hillary loses her mind.”
I heart our host Chris Harrison. Even with his Tommy Bahamas shirt.
I hit the FF button on my DVR and notice there is TONS of time remaining. Twenty-four minutes left for the infamous meltdown! Sweetness!
Hotter than crap Brad tells the camera:
“For lack of a better word, I’m kind of freaking out tonight.”
Don’t you just love that?
Anyway…
I’m sure he’s freaking out. He’s worried that Hill is going to boil his bunny. He decides to take a moment with all the candidates to make it look like he’s having a hard time making a decision.
Alone time with Kristy:
Oops. Ended up on the cutting room floor. Too boring.
Alone time with Sheena:
Bless her heart Sheena. She wrote a poem. And this is not made up. It’s word-for-word what she actually said to hotter than crap Bachelor Brad.
I love your laugh, your smile your touch
The moles that run up your arm
The patch of blond hair on your ears
Your goals and most of all your charm
She wrote a poem about his moles. His moles. How Brad did not laugh at that second line is beyond me. Sheena, Sheena, Sheena. At least call them freckles. Mole is so gross. And the patch of hair on his ear? Why is this the SECOND time we are hearing about this patch of hair? And correct me if I’m wrong, but isn’t that sort of an insult? Who wants to hear that they have hair growing out of their ears?
I bet you didn’t know that he wrote her a poem too did you?
I love your face, your teeth your grin
The long hair that grows on your chin
That gunk that gets caught in your eyes
Those little dimples on your thighs
Alone time with DDAHnna:
Brad: You look beautiful.
DDAH: My butt looks good too.
Brad: Don’t get me started on your butt.
Lincee: Well played my friend.
Brad asks DDAH if her feelings are real. She talks about not wanting to get hurt and how her heart pounds when she sees him. But she embraces this feeling. They talk about their one-on-one time and she reminds him that she is not going to kiss with other girls around. Brad points out that there are no girls around at that moment and they kiss. Well played AGAIN my friend.
Back inside, Jenni confronts Bettina about something that has been bothering her.
Jenn: You said last night that you weren’t happy with your date.
Bett: You mean when I said mine sucked?
Jenn: blank stare
Bett: I was joking. I meant it sucked in a good way. You misunderstood.
Alone time with Bettina:
Brad: Don’t you think our date was perfect?
Bett: I think so also. I felt relaxed and comfortable. I know I’m not comfortable being intimate…I know it will be fabulous one day…but by the end of date I wanted your hands on me. This is deeper than anything I’ve ever felt.
Brad: That sucks. But in a good way.
Bett: You totally get me.
Before his alone time with Hillary, Brad reminds the camera that he sort of tried to give Hillary clues that he is just not that in to her. He admits that she didn’t get it and he needs to be honest with her during this time.
Brad: I feel so comfortable with you.
Hill: It’s good to be total BFFs.
Brad: That’s nice, but I’m afraid that we need to be more than that and I just don’t see us going there. That’s what is so confusing. Do you follow me?
Hill: Absolutely.
Brad: (looking shocked) How you holding up? You okay?
Hill: Yes. We have chemistry and I want you to be my lover, husband and BEEP until we BEEP the BEEP.
Brad motions for the ABC intern and tells him to have the psychotherapist on hand. This is not going to go well at all.
After handing roses to DDAHnna, Jenni, Sheena and Bettina, the camera gets a close shot of Jenni rubbing Hillary’s back as she rolls her eyes as far back in her head as they can go.
All the girls hug like they are old friends. Kristy bows out gracefully of course. We never hear from her again. Hillary makes the lone walk up to Brad and embraces him in a huge death grip…eyes closes…unwilling to let go.
After much prying, the intern and psychotherapist lead her to the courtyard. The tears are flowing wilding now. She wipes the running mascara on her white dress. She leans over and begins to hyperventilate. WE NEED A BROWN PAPER BAG! CAN WE GET A BROWN PAPER BAG!?!
Our Host Chris Harrison comes to the rescue with a brown paper bag and secretly giggles to himself, so happy that Lincee will have some good writing material this season.
Back inside, we find Brad pacing in front of the four remaining girls. He’s snapping his fingers. He’s pacing. He’s snapping. ABC intern gives everyone toasting champagne and Brad hands his over to Sheena. He must go outside and tend to Hillary. After all, they are BFF and he’s concerned.
He approaches the raccoon faced girl, snot pouring out of her nose, curls falling listlessly out of their Quinceañera bun and tells her to “come here to me.”
Hillary: I (gasp) don’t understand. Why are you BEEP sending me home?
Brad: I’m scared to take a step as big as meeting your family when we are too good friends.
Hillary: It sucks (sniff) and I’m falling for you (gasp) and I’m going home without you in my BEEP arms. I wanted you to meet family. I wanted you to (snort) shake my Dad’s hand. BEEP! I can’t force (gasp) you to feel something.
Brad: I think you are one in a million.
I would agree with that Brad.
Poor Hillary is upset that she is going to be known as “the friend” on the show. Yes Hillary. That’s what we are all thinking right now. You will be remembered as “the friend” from the Hotter than Crap Brad season.
So here’s to the most dramatic exit in Bachelor history, to meeting the families next week and to more footage of the Bachelorettes jumping naked in the pool! (Did everyone see that at the end?)
All about the shame, not the fame,
Lincee
Lincee: “Hey Daddy. I’m back!”
Daddy: “Did you call your mother?”
Lincee: “Yes. Left a voice message.”
Daddy: “Good. She wants to hear from you. Apparently there was a meltdown.”
Lincee: (shocked) “What? Who had a meltdown? Is everything okay?”
Daddy: “I don’t know…I don’t watch that show.”
Lincee: “Show?”
Daddy: “Yeah. Your show. Some girl freaked out and it’s all everybody is talking about on your recap. Oh…and Marie Osmond fainted on that other show that comes on before The Bachelor.”
It’s good to be home people.
SIMPLE DISCLAIMER
The following information you are about to read is of personal opinion. You probably aren’t even reading this because the simple disclaimer has been a part of my recap since the days I emailed this puppy to just a few of my closer friends. HA! Fooled you. You’ve skipped this witty banter and will not know what in the world your friends are talking about when they say, “Did you like the new disclaimer Lincee did?” However, if you or someone on your Facebook page happens to personally know, sort of know, know the brother/cousin of, thought you saw in the grocery store buying spaghetti O’s or have a Pilates instructor that looks exactly like one of the Bachelorettes on the show...none of this is personal and I'm sure they are all lovely people.
I was in my Bogotá hotel room, trying miserably to convince myself that the mattress I was laying on was NOT made of pure concrete, when my cell phone gives a familiar ring.
Text message from friend Kristin:
“I've got to tell you your favorite host Chris is wearing a very unfortunate shirt on the Bachelor tonight."
Indeed. He looked like an 80-year-old man who had just returned from a week-long cruise in the Caribbean. Tommy Bahama gathers the girls together to explain that two will be going home and four will have opportunity to take Brad on hometown dates.
One-on-One Date
Bettina
“Join me for a romantic evening on the water.”
Crazy Hillary opens the first date box and announces Bettina’s name through gritted teeth. They rifle through the random crap that the ABC intern frantically tossed in a box to discover that Brad is taking Bettina on a gondola ride.
Kristy: “You know what you are supposed to do under bridges, don’t you?”
Bettina: “No…”
Kristy: “You are supposed to kiss him.”
Poor Kristy. Get your head in the game.
Jenni giggles, Hillary attempts to stop Kristy’s heart by using only her brain power and DDAHnna tells the camera that Bettina has the “mystery thing going on…and it’s working.”
Bradley thinks Bettina has all the potential in world to be that girl he’s looking for, but he wants to see if she can relax and be herself. She confides in him that as more time goes on, she is getting comfortable. She thanks him for his patience and tells him that she has so much faith in him. He makes it easier for her.
It is at this point that I’m uninterested in the conversation and find myself loving the fact that Brad is sitting Indian style on the blanket. Why this is attractive to me, I don’t know. I’m just bored with Bettina and wonder, as the other girls do, about her intentions. She’s off to me.
Brad takes this opportunity to ask Bettina about her past. She admits that she is not proud of the fact that she is divorced but could not go through life being unsatisfied. She wants to be completely in love.
Brad finds this endearing and tells her all he wants to do is hug her. He thinks she is “drop dead gorgeous” and so many things about her are perfect.
Cut to the gondola. I’m cracking up because I can imagine this “river” they are on is in a fancy shopping center somewhere. Sort of like the Venetian in Las Vegas. Bettina is awkward and talks about being nervous.
WHAT IN THE WORLD ARE YOUR NERVOUS ABOUT BETTINA! HAVE YOU SEEN THE FREAKISHLY HOT GUY YOU ARE SITTING NEXT TO? DID YOU NOTICE THE BRIDGE YOU JUST FLOATED UNDER?
Such a waste of a perfectly good date.
Brad is pretty good with the context clues and starts a conversation about how he wants to move things slowly and gives her kudos for trying to open up. He falls all over himself letting her know that it is okay for her to take her time and wants her to talk when she is ready.
And like a nine-year-old, she quickly gives him a peck on the cheek and shows no body language of him getting to first base.
Group date
Jenni
Hillary
DDAHnna
Kristy
“Come to my house for a pool party.”
WHOOOOO HOOOOOOOOOO!!! The scream that could be heard for miles. It didn’t dawn on me, other than the fact that she’s from Crazy Town, why Hillary was making such a huge deal about this date. We find out later that she is the only one who hasn’t seen our Bachelor without a shirt.
I guess there is reason to celebrate. I’ll erase one crazy mark by her name.
Right of the bat, we learn that Kristy is not a pool person.
AAAAAANNNNNNNNDDDDDDD there you have it. Bye, bye Kristy.
As if the footage was straight out of the MTV Spring Break Beach House, we see girls cart wheeling of the side of the pool. (Kristy sitting casually on the lounge chairs.) Girls doing cannonballs into the deep end. (Kristy dipping a perfectly manicured toe in the water to check the temperature.) Girls playing chicken with Brad. Hillary announcing to the camera that “Brad is between my legs!” (Kristy finding sanctuary under an umbrella as not to taint her alabaster skin.) And who could forget the underwater crotch shot scenes? Simply classic!
And then…there was the slip-n-slide. The Wet Banana if you will.
Does this not have ABC intern written all over it?
Why Bachelorettes? Why? Why would you fling yourself onto a skinny little piece of yellow plastic with tiny trickles of water scantily spraying the length the apparatus? We’ve all been on a slip-n-slide. They never…ever…work. Most of the time, you forget that there is GROUND underneath the devil toy and your brain somehow thinks that the Wet Banana is going to cushion your fall like a pillow. Wrong. And if you manage to get a good slide in, there are typically two outcomes: you slide a few feet and hit a dry spot that results in a raspberry burn or you are flung off the side and greeted to a mouthful of freshly cut grass that sticks to every part of your body.
I’m just saying.
Hillary flings with reckless abandonment.
DDAHnna gets a wedgie.
Jenni does flip flops down the slip-n-slide.
Kristy brushes her hair in the air conditioning.
Hillary steals some time with Brad and they chill on a big float in the deep end of the pool. Let’s listen in on their conversation:
Hill: I think you are an awesome guy.
Brad: I think you are an amazing person.
Hill: Straight up now tell me, do you really want to love me forever?
Brad: I think you are sweet and sincere and I’m so comfortable with you.
Hill: We should be lovers.
Brad: We can’t do that.
Hill: We should be lovers. And that’s a fact.
Brad to the camera: I wonder if this is just a friendship and not romance.
Hillary to camera: I can tell that we have chemistry. It makes me happy that he is comfortable with me.
It is what happens next that we can for sure, 100%, without a doubt, unmistakably confirm that our gal Hillary is officially off her rocker. Remember, she’s just told the ABC psychotherapist that the chemistry between she and Brad is palpable. She can feel it in the air.
She then goes into pretty graphic detail of all the other things she’d like to feel.
Hillary: I would let Brad ravish me any time. I would want him to BEEP my BEEP and then I would BEEP while he BEEP on the BEEP. After we BEEP, I would show him my BEEP and BEEP with a BEEP so we could BEEP on the BEEP for BEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEP. I’m trying to think of something G-Rated to say.
Not needed Hillary. We get the picture. Literally.
Unfortunately for him, Brad was not around to hear that Hill was going to BEEP his BEEP the first chance she got. He had taken DDAHnna over to some random chairs out by the pool. They sit awkwardly and talk about how they think about each other. It was obvious to the viewing audience that Brad wanted to at least kiss DDAH, but he chickens out after sneaking a look behind his shoulder to find Jenni practicing her toe touching, Kristy balancing a book on her head and Hillary waving to him like a complete fool.
On the other hand, my boy takes Jenni to a secluded hammock to make out for 15 minutes. Interesting.
One-on-One Date
Sheena
“Treasures await you.”
Brad tells the camera that spending time with Sheena is important because his brother thinks she is the bomb. He picks her up in some flip flops and jeans and tells her that there will be surprises all night long.
Surprise 1
Six gowns from which to choose. Sheena says she’s drawn to the white one, but will wait to wear that later. Wink, wink! (Blech.) Brad sends her up the stairs to try one on and is chomping at the bit to see her in the dress. You see reader, Brad is a romantic person. He loves the fairy tale ending. He sees her coming down the stairs and can’t wait to embrace her with his loving…
Surprise 2
BOOM, BOOM, BOOM, BOOM…
Sheena bites the dust. Brad laughs…in a polite way. Lincee watched it six times.
Surprise 3
Sheena limps onto the veranda full of white balloons. They hug and sway. It’s like walking on clouds.
Surprise 4
He gives her a pair of diamond earrings before dinner because he just can’t wait. He loves surprises. And I love him, but that’s neither here nor there. Brad asks why Sheena is still single. She says it’s because she is picky. Brad starts talking about Chad again. Red flag. He then tells the camera that she is solid, beautiful and would make an amazing wife.
Surprise 5
Small orchestra is around the corner by the pool, playing soft music.
Brad: Would you care to dance?
Sheena: I would love to. You are a great dancer.
Brad: You are a beautiful woman. I love how you always smile.
Sheena: How could I not.
Perfect kiss.
Back at the Bachelorette pad, Jenni and Bettina are up waiting for Sheena to get back from her date. She flaunts the earrings and goes into long-winded detail of each surprise. Bettina said compared to Sheena, her date sucked and announces she is going to bed.
BEST TEASER OF THE NIGHT:
“Up next…the most shocking rose ceremony ever…when Hillary loses her mind.”
I heart our host Chris Harrison. Even with his Tommy Bahamas shirt.
I hit the FF button on my DVR and notice there is TONS of time remaining. Twenty-four minutes left for the infamous meltdown! Sweetness!
Hotter than crap Brad tells the camera:
“For lack of a better word, I’m kind of freaking out tonight.”
Don’t you just love that?
Anyway…
I’m sure he’s freaking out. He’s worried that Hill is going to boil his bunny. He decides to take a moment with all the candidates to make it look like he’s having a hard time making a decision.
Alone time with Kristy:
Oops. Ended up on the cutting room floor. Too boring.
Alone time with Sheena:
Bless her heart Sheena. She wrote a poem. And this is not made up. It’s word-for-word what she actually said to hotter than crap Bachelor Brad.
I love your laugh, your smile your touch
The moles that run up your arm
The patch of blond hair on your ears
Your goals and most of all your charm
She wrote a poem about his moles. His moles. How Brad did not laugh at that second line is beyond me. Sheena, Sheena, Sheena. At least call them freckles. Mole is so gross. And the patch of hair on his ear? Why is this the SECOND time we are hearing about this patch of hair? And correct me if I’m wrong, but isn’t that sort of an insult? Who wants to hear that they have hair growing out of their ears?
I bet you didn’t know that he wrote her a poem too did you?
I love your face, your teeth your grin
The long hair that grows on your chin
That gunk that gets caught in your eyes
Those little dimples on your thighs
Alone time with DDAHnna:
Brad: You look beautiful.
DDAH: My butt looks good too.
Brad: Don’t get me started on your butt.
Lincee: Well played my friend.
Brad asks DDAH if her feelings are real. She talks about not wanting to get hurt and how her heart pounds when she sees him. But she embraces this feeling. They talk about their one-on-one time and she reminds him that she is not going to kiss with other girls around. Brad points out that there are no girls around at that moment and they kiss. Well played AGAIN my friend.
Back inside, Jenni confronts Bettina about something that has been bothering her.
Jenn: You said last night that you weren’t happy with your date.
Bett: You mean when I said mine sucked?
Jenn: blank stare
Bett: I was joking. I meant it sucked in a good way. You misunderstood.
Alone time with Bettina:
Brad: Don’t you think our date was perfect?
Bett: I think so also. I felt relaxed and comfortable. I know I’m not comfortable being intimate…I know it will be fabulous one day…but by the end of date I wanted your hands on me. This is deeper than anything I’ve ever felt.
Brad: That sucks. But in a good way.
Bett: You totally get me.
Before his alone time with Hillary, Brad reminds the camera that he sort of tried to give Hillary clues that he is just not that in to her. He admits that she didn’t get it and he needs to be honest with her during this time.
Brad: I feel so comfortable with you.
Hill: It’s good to be total BFFs.
Brad: That’s nice, but I’m afraid that we need to be more than that and I just don’t see us going there. That’s what is so confusing. Do you follow me?
Hill: Absolutely.
Brad: (looking shocked) How you holding up? You okay?
Hill: Yes. We have chemistry and I want you to be my lover, husband and BEEP until we BEEP the BEEP.
Brad motions for the ABC intern and tells him to have the psychotherapist on hand. This is not going to go well at all.
After handing roses to DDAHnna, Jenni, Sheena and Bettina, the camera gets a close shot of Jenni rubbing Hillary’s back as she rolls her eyes as far back in her head as they can go.
All the girls hug like they are old friends. Kristy bows out gracefully of course. We never hear from her again. Hillary makes the lone walk up to Brad and embraces him in a huge death grip…eyes closes…unwilling to let go.
After much prying, the intern and psychotherapist lead her to the courtyard. The tears are flowing wilding now. She wipes the running mascara on her white dress. She leans over and begins to hyperventilate. WE NEED A BROWN PAPER BAG! CAN WE GET A BROWN PAPER BAG!?!
Our Host Chris Harrison comes to the rescue with a brown paper bag and secretly giggles to himself, so happy that Lincee will have some good writing material this season.
Back inside, we find Brad pacing in front of the four remaining girls. He’s snapping his fingers. He’s pacing. He’s snapping. ABC intern gives everyone toasting champagne and Brad hands his over to Sheena. He must go outside and tend to Hillary. After all, they are BFF and he’s concerned.
He approaches the raccoon faced girl, snot pouring out of her nose, curls falling listlessly out of their Quinceañera bun and tells her to “come here to me.”
Hillary: I (gasp) don’t understand. Why are you BEEP sending me home?
Brad: I’m scared to take a step as big as meeting your family when we are too good friends.
Hillary: It sucks (sniff) and I’m falling for you (gasp) and I’m going home without you in my BEEP arms. I wanted you to meet family. I wanted you to (snort) shake my Dad’s hand. BEEP! I can’t force (gasp) you to feel something.
Brad: I think you are one in a million.
I would agree with that Brad.
Poor Hillary is upset that she is going to be known as “the friend” on the show. Yes Hillary. That’s what we are all thinking right now. You will be remembered as “the friend” from the Hotter than Crap Brad season.
So here’s to the most dramatic exit in Bachelor history, to meeting the families next week and to more footage of the Bachelorettes jumping naked in the pool! (Did everyone see that at the end?)
All about the shame, not the fame,
Lincee
Friday, October 19, 2007
Recap might be late next week
UPDATE: I'm here and loving it in Bogota. I know there is a little accent over the "a" in Bogota, but have no time to figure out how to insert it right now! Looks like I'll be watching the show late Tuesday and writing it Wednesday. Would watch at ABC online, but Internet connection here is very low. And by the way...they are on the CENTRUM SILVER season here! Can you believe it? Byron and Mary Mary. I can't even stomach it. How very sad.
I have a great story about a "minor mishap" in the airport that I'll share on my return. Until then,
Ciao from Colombia!
Boss: "What are you doing Monday and Tuesday?"
Lincee: "Watching the Bachelor."
Boss: "I need you to go to Colombia."
Lincee: "As in Ohio?"
Boss: "No. That would be Columbus. I need you in Colombia.
As in the country."
Lincee: [blank stare]
Boss: "Great. We'll talk about details later."
I have a great story about a "minor mishap" in the airport that I'll share on my return. Until then,
Ciao from Colombia!
Boss: "What are you doing Monday and Tuesday?"
Lincee: "Watching the Bachelor."
Boss: "I need you to go to Colombia."
Lincee: "As in Ohio?"
Boss: "No. That would be Columbus. I need you in Colombia.
As in the country."
Lincee: [blank stare]
Boss: "Great. We'll talk about details later."
Tuesday, October 16, 2007
Let the Tears and F-Bombs Fall Where They May
I have to say, last night was one of my favorite episodes in a long time. Love was in the air. Hot tubs were bubbling. Snot ran from noses. Knifes protruded from the backs of designer dresses. About 13 f-bombs dropped on national TV.
It just doesn’t get any better than that people.
SIMPLE DISCLAIMER
It just doesn’t get any better than that people.
SIMPLE DISCLAIMER
The following information you are about to read is of personal opinion. You probably aren’t even reading this because the simple disclaimer has been a part of my recap since the days I emailed this puppy to just a few of my closer friends. HA! Fooled you. You’ve skipped this witty banter and will not know what in the world your friends are talking about when they say, “Did you like the new disclaimer Lincee did?” However, if you or someone on your Facebook page happens to personally know, sort of know, know the brother/cousin of, thought you saw in the grocery store buying spaghetti O’s or have a Pilates instructor that looks exactly like one of the Bachelorettes on the show...none of this is personal and I'm sure they are all lovely people.
Our Host Chris Harrison starts the episode reminding the Bachelorettes that there are only nine women left in the hunt. There will be three dates: a special one-on-one, a group date and a two-on-one.
One-On-One
Jenni Couric
“Come Fly With Me”
Jenni Couric is super excited to get the one-on-one date with Brad. She tells the camera that she’s been waiting for this her whole life (what?) and wants to kiss him on his neck.
Who doesn’t Jenni?
The girls squeal at the arrival of the helicopter. The poor ABC botanical technician is ticked because rose petals and baby’s breathe go flying everywhere when the chopper lands on the back lawn. Miss Couric braves the flying debris with the other eight girls and tackles our Bachelor as he exits the craft. She hangs on to his waist for dear life. Brad tells her how beautiful she is. She flashes her Phoenix Sun’s smile at the other ladies and buries her head in his neck, using this opportunity to take a quick nibble. Brad, the gentleman that he is, addresses the other girls as Jenni “absent-mindedly” holds his hand. He then pushes her hair out of her face (first point for Couric) and waves goodbye to the not-so-lucky group. They all wave back and say, “BYE” in enthusiastic unison. All but DeAHnna and McCracken that is…
Jade tells the camera that the physical attraction Brad has for Couric is obvious. The hand holding, the touching, the grabbing…not a good sign.
Bettina wonders if Jenni is in this for Brad…or if it is all about the competition.
Hillary thinks they have sexual chemistry and it makes her want to throw up. Jade empathetically strokes her hair for comfort. Hil feels like her boyfriend has just left with the hottest girl ever and then drops the first f-bomb.
I’m just going to go out on a limb here and thank ABC for keeping Hillary. The Bachelor is just no good without a resident psycho. I’m just saying.
Meanwhile, during an amazing crotch shot up Jenni’s short green dress, Brad points out buildings and concludes that this is the coolest thing he has ever done. They land on a roof to have dinner on a lame set-up the ABC intern pulled out of his butt. Metal bar stools around a tiny metal table. Probably going for some sleek, mainstream analogy that has to do with architecture, but I didn’t get it.
Jenni can’t stop smiling and confides that she is nervous. Brad tells her not to worry, because since the beginning, he’s been waiting for this moment. He is very happy that he is with her and has wanted this…so badly.
“…so badly.” Second point for Couric.
Brad then brings up the kiss. Couric says that she can’t stop thinking about it. She also can’t stop thinking about the rose and admits that if he doesn’t give it to her PRONTO, she might jump off the building. She wants to focus on HIM…not the rose.
Back at the Bachelorette pad, the rest of the girls are trying to make small talk. Jade says that it sucks the way DD and McCracken talk to other people. Stephy wishes they would ask their questions in a nicer way. McCracken says life would be boring if they didn’t. Jade says they attack everyone in the house. DD interrupts and Jade drops the second f-bomb of the night out of sheer frustration.
Jade: “If you want me to have an opinion, let me f-ing say it!”
DDAH: “The floor is yours.”
Jade: “I’m done now.”
DDAH: rolls eyes to McCracken
Lincee: Imaginary high five to the ABC intern for setting THAT up!
Back on the rooftop, Brad and Couric move from cold, metal stools to uncomfortable trendy couch, complete with handy cashmere throw. Jenni says that she wants to see him tomorrow. She says she is selfish and wants him all to herself. She then gets a little chachy on us and tells Brad that the rose is sitting all by its lonesome and needs a friend. Brad hands her the rose, touches her face (point three) and says that he’s been waiting to do that all night. She inhales the fragrance and tells him that she’s saved every rose he’s given her.
This turns Brad on and he growls in a low gruff voice, “Come here to me…please.” (Heaven forbid if he breaks the southern gentleman charm and forgets to add the please at the end.) Then they make out.
Our Host Chris Harrison starts the episode reminding the Bachelorettes that there are only nine women left in the hunt. There will be three dates: a special one-on-one, a group date and a two-on-one.
One-On-One
Jenni Couric
“Come Fly With Me”
Jenni Couric is super excited to get the one-on-one date with Brad. She tells the camera that she’s been waiting for this her whole life (what?) and wants to kiss him on his neck.
Who doesn’t Jenni?
The girls squeal at the arrival of the helicopter. The poor ABC botanical technician is ticked because rose petals and baby’s breathe go flying everywhere when the chopper lands on the back lawn. Miss Couric braves the flying debris with the other eight girls and tackles our Bachelor as he exits the craft. She hangs on to his waist for dear life. Brad tells her how beautiful she is. She flashes her Phoenix Sun’s smile at the other ladies and buries her head in his neck, using this opportunity to take a quick nibble. Brad, the gentleman that he is, addresses the other girls as Jenni “absent-mindedly” holds his hand. He then pushes her hair out of her face (first point for Couric) and waves goodbye to the not-so-lucky group. They all wave back and say, “BYE” in enthusiastic unison. All but DeAHnna and McCracken that is…
Jade tells the camera that the physical attraction Brad has for Couric is obvious. The hand holding, the touching, the grabbing…not a good sign.
Bettina wonders if Jenni is in this for Brad…or if it is all about the competition.
Hillary thinks they have sexual chemistry and it makes her want to throw up. Jade empathetically strokes her hair for comfort. Hil feels like her boyfriend has just left with the hottest girl ever and then drops the first f-bomb.
I’m just going to go out on a limb here and thank ABC for keeping Hillary. The Bachelor is just no good without a resident psycho. I’m just saying.
Meanwhile, during an amazing crotch shot up Jenni’s short green dress, Brad points out buildings and concludes that this is the coolest thing he has ever done. They land on a roof to have dinner on a lame set-up the ABC intern pulled out of his butt. Metal bar stools around a tiny metal table. Probably going for some sleek, mainstream analogy that has to do with architecture, but I didn’t get it.
Jenni can’t stop smiling and confides that she is nervous. Brad tells her not to worry, because since the beginning, he’s been waiting for this moment. He is very happy that he is with her and has wanted this…so badly.
“…so badly.” Second point for Couric.
Brad then brings up the kiss. Couric says that she can’t stop thinking about it. She also can’t stop thinking about the rose and admits that if he doesn’t give it to her PRONTO, she might jump off the building. She wants to focus on HIM…not the rose.
Back at the Bachelorette pad, the rest of the girls are trying to make small talk. Jade says that it sucks the way DD and McCracken talk to other people. Stephy wishes they would ask their questions in a nicer way. McCracken says life would be boring if they didn’t. Jade says they attack everyone in the house. DD interrupts and Jade drops the second f-bomb of the night out of sheer frustration.
Jade: “If you want me to have an opinion, let me f-ing say it!”
DDAH: “The floor is yours.”
Jade: “I’m done now.”
DDAH: rolls eyes to McCracken
Lincee: Imaginary high five to the ABC intern for setting THAT up!
Back on the rooftop, Brad and Couric move from cold, metal stools to uncomfortable trendy couch, complete with handy cashmere throw. Jenni says that she wants to see him tomorrow. She says she is selfish and wants him all to herself. She then gets a little chachy on us and tells Brad that the rose is sitting all by its lonesome and needs a friend. Brad hands her the rose, touches her face (point three) and says that he’s been waiting to do that all night. She inhales the fragrance and tells him that she’s saved every rose he’s given her.
This turns Brad on and he growls in a low gruff voice, “Come here to me…please.” (Heaven forbid if he breaks the southern gentleman charm and forgets to add the please at the end.) Then they make out.
I have to admit that I wanted to be Jenni Couric at that moment. Am I right? or am I right...
Group Date
“There’s nothing sexier than a woman’s laugh. Come show me yours.”
Sheena
McCarten
Hillary
Bettina
Kristy
Stephy
Even though he is a self-made Austin millionaire, Brad is not a refined person. He like to kick back and laugh. He wants to see who can just have fun. He doesn’t want anybody who is shy and reserved.
He takes them to a comedy club in a double decker bus and tells them that THEY are the show. All of them will be performing today.
Hillary embraces the spotlight.
McCarten rolls her eyes as she clucks like a chicken during warm-ups.
And Kristy starts to cry.
The teachers share a secret with the girls…if you feel stupid, you are doing it right. They begin with a prop improv. The rules are: use the prop in any way that it is not meant to be used traditionally.
First prop: A pink pointed party hat
Hillary: holds the cone and says, “Things are bigger in Texas.” Classy innuendo Hill.
Bettina: holds cone like a megaphone and yells, “I love you Brad!”
Kristy: deer in the headlights and whispers, “Pass.”
Hillary: puts cone up to boob and sings, “Vogue, vogue, vogue.”
Brad taps a cowbell this whole time which I loved. We need more cowbell in this world.
Second prop: a feather boa
Bettina: walks up with boa, chickens out and goes back to the group laughing at herself. After much encouragement from Brad, she returns to the front, holds the boa in front of herself and says, “I forgot to shave.”
Group Date
“There’s nothing sexier than a woman’s laugh. Come show me yours.”
Sheena
McCarten
Hillary
Bettina
Kristy
Stephy
Even though he is a self-made Austin millionaire, Brad is not a refined person. He like to kick back and laugh. He wants to see who can just have fun. He doesn’t want anybody who is shy and reserved.
He takes them to a comedy club in a double decker bus and tells them that THEY are the show. All of them will be performing today.
Hillary embraces the spotlight.
McCarten rolls her eyes as she clucks like a chicken during warm-ups.
And Kristy starts to cry.
The teachers share a secret with the girls…if you feel stupid, you are doing it right. They begin with a prop improv. The rules are: use the prop in any way that it is not meant to be used traditionally.
First prop: A pink pointed party hat
Hillary: holds the cone and says, “Things are bigger in Texas.” Classy innuendo Hill.
Bettina: holds cone like a megaphone and yells, “I love you Brad!”
Kristy: deer in the headlights and whispers, “Pass.”
Hillary: puts cone up to boob and sings, “Vogue, vogue, vogue.”
Brad taps a cowbell this whole time which I loved. We need more cowbell in this world.
Second prop: a feather boa
Bettina: walks up with boa, chickens out and goes back to the group laughing at herself. After much encouragement from Brad, she returns to the front, holds the boa in front of herself and says, “I forgot to shave.”
Kristy’s turn! Wait. Nope. She passes again. She’s not comfortable being put on the spot and feels ridiculous.
Challenge: Beg for a rose as if you were a dog.
It was so bad, I’m embarrassed to type the words. Hillary said something stupid. Sheena rolled on her back and asked for a belly rub. My ears are still bleeding from shoving my pen down as far as my brain would allow. Let’s just not go there.
Challenge: Dating show
Hill: dressed up like a cheerleader says, “You are so hot you make my pom poms sweat.” She follows that up with the “Give me a B” cheer and spells out Brad.
Kristy: dressed like a cowgirl says, “My name is sugar and I’m looking for a little spice.”
You could have heard crickets chirping in that auditorium if I hadn’t been laughing my butt off at that moment. Classic Bachelor. Rewind. Play. Laugh. Wipe eyes. Rewind. Play. Laugh. Wipe eyes.
Poor Kristy. Bless her heart. She goes for plan B and turns on the tears.
“I’m so mad (sniff) that I didn’t step up to the plate. It’s really (snort) important for you to see fun side of me. Now I’m panicky (gag) and crying. I only have (snort) so many (choke) chances to show you the real me.”
But Brad prefers potty humor to waterworks and gives the rose to Bettina and her feather boa.
Which makes Bettina fall madly in love with Brad. And when I say “madly” I’m being literal. Might be a little crazy in those eyes…I’m just saying.
Two-On-One Date
DDAHnna
Jade
Nice! ABC arranged for the two girls who HATE each other to be on the two-on-one date. For some reason Jenni Couric reads the date box rhyme constructed by her boy toy Brad. (Did anyone else think this was odd?)
“Tonight there is just one rose. One stays…one goes.” Then she sucks in some air, purses her lips, mouths the word “ouch” and dangles her rose in front of them before she skips off to hang it with the other roses from the chandelier above her bed using a hair clip.
The girls pack their 12 bags of luggage and leave them by the door.
Jade is not going to let DDAHnna walk away with the rose. He thinks Brad will see through her fakeness. DDAHnna thinks she is more compatible.
Unfortunately, the ABC intern forgot to book another date night and re-uses the one from Jenni Couric’s date. The three are on a rooftop and Brad opens the conversation with a serious topic:
Brad: “I’ve been missing out on that one special person…I want to find her. With that said, what do you think about moving to Austin?”
Jade: “I’m fine with that. I’ve lived in Canada before.”
DDAH: “I packed myself and moved to Nashville after school.”
Jade: “I’ve lived in 34 of the United States and have 11 stamps in my passport.”
DDAH: “I’ve just booked a trip to Mars and plan on wintering there.”
Brad: “Interesting. You seem independent.”
Jade (interrupting): “I relate to that. I started working at 16.”
DDAH: “I worked at 14.”
Jade: “My mom had me shucking corn when we lived in Nebraska when I was 10, so HA!”
Alone time with Brad:
Jade: “I feel like I’m under a lot of pressure.”
Brad: “You don’t give yourself enough credit. You are confident and beautiful.”
MAYDAY MAYDAY MAYDAY MAYDAY! ABORT JADE! START CRYING! HE CAN’T HANDLE THE CRYING! BITE THE INSIDE OF YOUR MOUTH IF YOU HAVE TO!
Cut to the Bachelorette pad:
“How does everyone feel about getting engaged?” is asked with an enthusiastic YES answered by all the girls excluding Bettina. She’s bold now that she has her hot pink feather boa and decides…to go there…
Bettina: “Do you know what marriage is? You can’t be on this show and commit to a relationship after six weeks. I know. I’ve been married before.”
GASPS!!! The other look at her in wonder and poke her with a stick. This rare “divorced” creature is indeed a sight to behold.
Hill: “If you know…you know. People give up too easily. I personally wouldn’t want to date someone who’s been married. You’d have to kick the tires every once in a while to see if she’s still running.”
Spoken like a true idiot.
Jade (interrupting): “I relate to that. I started working at 16.”
DDAH: “I worked at 14.”
Jade: “My mom had me shucking corn when we lived in Nebraska when I was 10, so HA!”
Alone time with Brad:
Jade: “I feel like I’m under a lot of pressure.”
Brad: “You don’t give yourself enough credit. You are confident and beautiful.”
MAYDAY MAYDAY MAYDAY MAYDAY! ABORT JADE! START CRYING! HE CAN’T HANDLE THE CRYING! BITE THE INSIDE OF YOUR MOUTH IF YOU HAVE TO!
Cut to the Bachelorette pad:
“How does everyone feel about getting engaged?” is asked with an enthusiastic YES answered by all the girls excluding Bettina. She’s bold now that she has her hot pink feather boa and decides…to go there…
Bettina: “Do you know what marriage is? You can’t be on this show and commit to a relationship after six weeks. I know. I’ve been married before.”
GASPS!!! The other look at her in wonder and poke her with a stick. This rare “divorced” creature is indeed a sight to behold.
Hill: “If you know…you know. People give up too easily. I personally wouldn’t want to date someone who’s been married. You’d have to kick the tires every once in a while to see if she’s still running.”
Spoken like a true idiot.
Let’s get back to Brad’s alone time with DDAHnna:
DDAH: (read in robotic tone) “I want to be honest. I don’t wear my heart on my sleeve. I want to be here. I want the chance to fall in love with you. You are going to do what your heart tells you to do and I hope that’s me.”
Let’s face it. I do think boys like the chase. But if you are not “that girl” then you have to put it out there that you want him. DDAHnna did that. Jade did not.
We see Brad saying goodbye to Jade. He talks about it being horrible thing he had to do. I have to admire him for not getting all touchy feely with her. He even kept his hands crossed over his chest as a sign of tough love. The camera shows him shutting the door on their relationship and then cuts inside to the session with the ABC psychotherapist.
And next comes the brilliant ABC editing. Really. Kudos my friends.
Jade crying in limo: “I’m shocked to be going home.”
[Cut to steam rising across the skyline on the rooftop. Pan down to show bubbling hot tub surrounded by millions of tiny candles.]
Jade: “I really wish he could have seen through her.”
[Cut to tight shot of Brad’s tight abs. Man he is hotter than crap. DDAHnna enters the shot in teeny tiny bikini. They sink into the tub holding champagne glasses.]
Jade: “DD doesn’t deserve my happy ending.”
[Long lingering shot of DD and Brad making out in hot tub. They slowly go out of focus and we see a single red rose in the foreground.]
That’s art.
[Cut to steam rising across the skyline on the rooftop. Pan down to show bubbling hot tub surrounded by millions of tiny candles.]
Jade: “I really wish he could have seen through her.”
[Cut to tight shot of Brad’s tight abs. Man he is hotter than crap. DDAHnna enters the shot in teeny tiny bikini. They sink into the tub holding champagne glasses.]
Jade: “DD doesn’t deserve my happy ending.”
[Long lingering shot of DD and Brad making out in hot tub. They slowly go out of focus and we see a single red rose in the foreground.]
That’s art.
ROSE CEREMONY
Hillary is concerned. The mood is somber. She wishes people would lighten up.
McCracken: “The mood is more somber because two of us are going home.”
DDAH: “No. The mood is somber because you all are going out with my boyfriend.”
Kristy steals some alone time with Brad and babbles on about being guarded and how she was glad Brad saw her cry and get emotional. Because she is an onion and has layers. Brad then points out that she is not an onion. She is a classy refined chocolate covered strawberry. What if he wants nachos? Can she be a messy runny nacho?
Sheena hears that crying gets you a rose, so she uses her last chance to tear up. She tells him she is there for all the right reasons and doesn’t want to go home. Being Brad, he pulls her into his shoulder so she can cry it out.
After wiping the tears from Sheena’s eyes, Brad wanders over to Kristy, Bettina, DDAHnna and McCracken. They want to know who was the first person he kissed on the show. I won’t go into the unfortunate way they asked him this question. Just trust me on this one…
When they find out it was Jenni Couric, for some reason, all hell breaks loose. Bettina calls her a slut and a liar.
(Remember that crazy we talked about?)
The group investigates:
“Did you kiss him or he kiss you?”
JC: “He kissed me.”
DDAH: “Did you think Jade was coming back?”
JC: “I felt you were someone he would be attracted to, so I prayed for her to come back.”
Bettina: “What about him? Don’t you want him to find someone to be happy with?”
JC: “Yeah?”
Bettina: “So why would you pray for him to not find happiness?”
JC: “Because I want it to be me he ends up with.”
Bettina: “I’m surprised that you are treating this like a game.”
Hi. Bettina? It’s the ABC Producers. Yeah…uhm, this little “adventure” you are on is called the Bachelor. It’s a reality show. A “game” if you will. Did we not explain to you the rules of this show before you signed up to “win” the heart of the man of your dreams?
Alone time with Jenni Couric:
Brad: “I miss you.”
JC: “I miss you too.”
What number of points are we on? Four? Five?
Biggest laugh of the night:
MCC: “I wonder who is going home tonight?”
DDAH: “NOT ME!”
Sadly, McCracken and Stephy were sent packing along with Jade. Super pumped that he kept crazy Hillary and as last night’s sneak peek of next week’s episode shows, there is going to be some major drama and hyperventilation as she gets booted to the curb.
And poor Sheena falls down the stairs. I. Might. Die.
All about the shame, not the fame,
Lincee
McCracken: “The mood is more somber because two of us are going home.”
DDAH: “No. The mood is somber because you all are going out with my boyfriend.”
Kristy steals some alone time with Brad and babbles on about being guarded and how she was glad Brad saw her cry and get emotional. Because she is an onion and has layers. Brad then points out that she is not an onion. She is a classy refined chocolate covered strawberry. What if he wants nachos? Can she be a messy runny nacho?
Sheena hears that crying gets you a rose, so she uses her last chance to tear up. She tells him she is there for all the right reasons and doesn’t want to go home. Being Brad, he pulls her into his shoulder so she can cry it out.
After wiping the tears from Sheena’s eyes, Brad wanders over to Kristy, Bettina, DDAHnna and McCracken. They want to know who was the first person he kissed on the show. I won’t go into the unfortunate way they asked him this question. Just trust me on this one…
When they find out it was Jenni Couric, for some reason, all hell breaks loose. Bettina calls her a slut and a liar.
(Remember that crazy we talked about?)
The group investigates:
“Did you kiss him or he kiss you?”
JC: “He kissed me.”
DDAH: “Did you think Jade was coming back?”
JC: “I felt you were someone he would be attracted to, so I prayed for her to come back.”
Bettina: “What about him? Don’t you want him to find someone to be happy with?”
JC: “Yeah?”
Bettina: “So why would you pray for him to not find happiness?”
JC: “Because I want it to be me he ends up with.”
Bettina: “I’m surprised that you are treating this like a game.”
Hi. Bettina? It’s the ABC Producers. Yeah…uhm, this little “adventure” you are on is called the Bachelor. It’s a reality show. A “game” if you will. Did we not explain to you the rules of this show before you signed up to “win” the heart of the man of your dreams?
Alone time with Jenni Couric:
Brad: “I miss you.”
JC: “I miss you too.”
What number of points are we on? Four? Five?
Biggest laugh of the night:
MCC: “I wonder who is going home tonight?”
DDAH: “NOT ME!”
Sadly, McCracken and Stephy were sent packing along with Jade. Super pumped that he kept crazy Hillary and as last night’s sneak peek of next week’s episode shows, there is going to be some major drama and hyperventilation as she gets booted to the curb.
And poor Sheena falls down the stairs. I. Might. Die.
All about the shame, not the fame,
Lincee
Tuesday, October 09, 2007
It Takes More Than Showing Your “Special Spots” to Win the Heart of Brad Womack
My guess is that ABC tried to brainwash us with the circus. You know…greatest show on earth…but I didn’t buy it. I have to admit, I was a little bored last night. Maybe it’s because I’ve seen the same thing over and over again from this beloved show. Or maybe it’s because I was anticipating the wonder twin power at the end.
Maybe it’s because I was doped up on cough medicine and the thought of laying my head down on the comfy couch cushion was much more entertaining than what was on TV.
It’s a mystery. But there were a few juicy parts. And I’m sure you know the ones I’m talking about.
SIMPLE DISCLAIMER
The following information you are about to read is of personal opinion. You probably aren’t even reading this because the simple disclaimer has been a part of my recap since the days I emailed this puppy to just a few of my closer friends. HA! Fooled you. You’ve skipped this witty banter and will not know what in the world your friends are talking about when they say, “Did you like the new disclaimer Lincee did?” However, if you or someone on your Facebook page happens to personally know, sort of know, know the brother/cousin of, thought you saw in the grocery store buying spaghetti O’s or have a Pilates instructor that looks exactly like one of the Bachelorettes on the show...none of this is personal and I'm sure they are all lovely people.
Group Date One
Greatest Show on Earth
Stephy
McCracken
Jenni
Lindsey
Sarah
DeAhnna
Date box arrives with a ton of circus paraphernalia inside…big glasses, Dumbo ears, red noses…the works. DeAHnna is super stoked. She’s never been to a real circus…just the fake ones they put on in the Wal-Mart parking lot.
Brad is excited to see the inner child in all of the girls. He loads them up in a limo, reads his cue card, and tells the girls that they will be seeing lions, and tigers and bears…
They all shout, “OH MY!” in unison. Brad grins. Lincee rolls her eyes and reaches for her box of Kleenex.
They feed the elephants. One of them blows snot on young Sarah. Brad leads them to the luxury box. I wonder why I’ve never seen a luxury box at the circus? Probably because they don’t have those at the Wal-Mart circus. Gee…DeAHnna and I have a lot in common.
Stephy balances on a tight rope in her flip flops. Jenni balances on a ball. All the girls stand in a line while clowns juggle bowling pins around their faces. Jenni busts out into some spontaneous gymnastics. She executes a round-off, back handspring, back flip.
In a strapless top.
Good night! Did she staple the top to her chest? How in the world did that thing stay up? I bet she’s a little disappointed that ABC didn’t have to censor her nip with a little rose bud. I’m just saying…
Brad pulls Jenni away to tell her again that she reminds him of Katie Couric and that he has amazing chemistry with her. She decides to get serious and ask him if he can handle a long-distance relationship. And when you get serious with your fake boyfriend, you hold his had in a death grip to your chest. She takes a deep breath and starts chattering away.
She is a dancer for the Phoenix Suns and has committed to the entire season. She assures him that she wants to be the last one standing. Brad mumbles something about her allowing him to date other people and then tries to get to second base. Unsuccessful due to the Gorilla Glue holding Jenni’s shirt tight to her skin.
Brad moves on to Stephy who talks about her Dad the whole time.
She cries a little.
Sensing the emotional breakdown, Brad herds the girls backstage to watch the inner workings of the Ringling Brothers circus.
Next thing we know, the head clown grabs the audience’s attention by announcing some exciting news from the hanging microphone. The Sexiest Bachelor EVER is in the house- Brad Womack!
[Silence.]
Hi…ABC? It’s Lincee. Yeah…I don’t think these people have any clue as to what in the world the head clown was talking about when he presented Brad Womack, the Sexiest Bachelor EVER, to the circus audience. Maybe next time you could give a little introduction that you are the world renowned ABC reality hit THE BACHELOR and then hype up your boy a bit? You could show him in that shower scene and I bet…
[Audience sees Brad and goes nuts because of his sheer hotness.]
Well there you go. Shower scene not needed. What the heck do I know?
It’s at this point that we realize Brad has a thing for the circus. He is geeking out about being a guest ring master and even admits to the camera that he can’t contain himself.
“I feel like that kid from Titanic. I’m the king of the world.”
Insert Jim Halpert face here.
During the circus, Brad pulls McCracken away. He’s not sure of her intentions and admits that there is a friend vibe. McCracken is extremely upset to hear this news and tells him that she is not an insecure person and doesn’t need a rose to secure his affections. He confesses that this approach is refreshing and he escorts her back to the circus. McCracken tells the camera that dating Brad is like walking the tight rope…some people need a net and some people don’t.
$10 says the ABC psychoanalyst fed her that line. Seriously. McCracken coming up with that analogy? I don’t think so.
There were a few more circus moments but they are too embarrassing for me to write down. The wig. The clown nose. The dancing. Just trust me on this one. You don’t want to know.
Stephy gets a rose for putting herself out there by crying while talking about her Dad.
One-on-One Date
Hillary
Just Get Dressed and I’ll Take Care of the Rest!
Hillary pulls out a little trolley and a slinky black dress from her date box. Using both clues, she decides that her date destination will probably be San Francisco. Little did she know that ABC would rip-off the entire opera scene from Pretty Woman, right down to the million dollar jewelry around her neck.
Sister Solisa helps Hillary into her slinky black dress. She runs off to find some scissors. We’re not sure if this is to cut the dress into a short mini or to add another thigh-high slit. Regardless, Hillary is telling the camera her game plan. She’s going to be touchy, feely, keep him laughing and hopefully get a big fat kiss afterwards.
Unfortunately, she whined, moped, cried, gulped and got a sympathy rose at the end of dinner.
It started out with nervous giggling. Little eye contact.
Then it slowly turned into a trembling lip and watery eyes.
Cut to the other Bachelorettes talking about Hillary. Raise your hand if you want her gone? DeAHnna and McCracken raise their hands.
Back to Hillary: “I would rather give the shirt off my back and be happy and crazy in love than not find someone I can potentially like…someone I can fall in love with.”
Brad looks confused.
Bachelorettes: “I can’t believe you can be so rude?”
DeAHnna: “I’m just being honest. Why would I want her to come back? It’s a competition?”
McC: “I’m not here to make friends.”
Hillary: “I don’t want you to think I’m an emotional girl, but I do want to give my heart to someone and get married. I want them to love me for me…feel like I haven’t found that.”
Brad looks scared to death, takes a deep breath and hands her the rose.
Hillary: “I’m not going to look at you because you will make me cry.”
Insert Jim Halpert face here.
Brad makes it all better by taking her to the Ghiradelli Chocolate Factory. They make out and Hillary tells the camera she is in love.
Psycho.
Group Date Two
Boobies of the Caribbean
Sheena
Solisa
Kristy
Bettina
Jade
You can imagine what was in the date box. Sailor’s hat, anchor, pole for Solisa. Sheena is excited about the boat and the sails. She’s boated her whole life. Probably been to a regatta gala or two in her day.
Hey Sheena…we don’t know who you are. Maybe you should be excited about the hot guy beside you? Just a thought.
Sheena takes my advice and shows her adventurous side while risking her life (and Brad’s) on the wave runner. She shows her rebel side by being pulled over by the coast guard.
Bettina shows her dark side by admitting that she was married and divorced.
Kristy shows her fun side by steering the boat. Watch out Brad. She’s feisty! Brad gives her the rose.
And Sister Solisa shows her back side because, her words not mine, “All I can do is shake my butt really fast. So I did.” On his lap. Nice.
The Chad
Brad can’t believe his “identical” twin dropped everything to come to Malibu (in the same outfit because twins dress alike) and help him figure out which girls know the true Brad.
This has nothing to do with their bars, the Chuggin Monkey and the Dizzy Rooster, and how their sales have quadrupled since the Matthew McConaughey look alike hit the small screen three weeks ago.
Power of marketing people. I’m just saying.
Brad wants Chad to pose as him during cocktails to see who can tell the difference. He feels that if it’s real, she won’t be fooled.
The brothers, using their twin powers that only twins know, run down the list of girls, descriptions, likes and dislikes. Brad tells Chad:
Stephy: Likes her Dad
McCracken: Not intimidated by nets.
Jenni: Uses industrial strength duct tape to keep clothes on
Lindsey: Does not like work, but loves to water color
Sarah: Makes a mean Cosmopolitan
DeAhnna: It’s DeAHnna…not DeANNa
Sheena: Dude…try and figure out who this chick is, will ya?
Solisa: Your wife will kill you if you go near this woman
Kristy: She’s tall
Bettina: Tainted from a divorce
Jade: I’m questioning the length of her bangs. Is that wrong?
Brad stays in the limo to watch the action and give regurgitated one-liners fed to him by the ABC intern.
McCracken questions, but finally concludes that Brad has a case of the giggles. Lindsey dives in to deep conversation with Brad about engagements, camping and timelines. Not a clue. Sheena is suspicious right off the bat and tells him his voice is different and the weird patch of blond hair is not on his ear. She figures it out. Chad comes walking around the corner and Kristy screams, “You’re not BRAD!” Bettina figures it out after about a minute. And poor Sarah thinks Brad looks different but decides he’s just not himself tonight.
You think?
She decides it’s just her imagination. Bless her heart.
Classic Bachelor Line That Will Go Down in History:
Stephy: “Either Brad’s wearing dentures, or I’m really drunk!”
Later, our host Chris and Brad introduce Chad. Lots of freaking out, yelling, fantasizing by Solisa, pointing and gasping. Brad admits that it was a test and he feels it was important to know who knew that Chad was not the genuine article. All intentions were pure.
That has to make you feel good that some girls pay that much attention to you.
Or it’s scary
Sarah the fetus and Lindsey the swimming nanny/model were both
sent packing along with Sister Solisa. Sarah was distracted by Chad/Brad’s drink to notice it wasn’t really him. Trooper Lindsey tells the camera that she’s not going to cry over something that wasn’t there. Then she cries.
And then there’s Sister Solisa. I’m going to miss that girl. I felt that they had a strong connection. I mean, she did show him those “very special parts” of herself. I guess those “special parts” were not what he was looking for.
All about the shame, not the fame,
Lincee
Maybe it’s because I was doped up on cough medicine and the thought of laying my head down on the comfy couch cushion was much more entertaining than what was on TV.
It’s a mystery. But there were a few juicy parts. And I’m sure you know the ones I’m talking about.
SIMPLE DISCLAIMER
The following information you are about to read is of personal opinion. You probably aren’t even reading this because the simple disclaimer has been a part of my recap since the days I emailed this puppy to just a few of my closer friends. HA! Fooled you. You’ve skipped this witty banter and will not know what in the world your friends are talking about when they say, “Did you like the new disclaimer Lincee did?” However, if you or someone on your Facebook page happens to personally know, sort of know, know the brother/cousin of, thought you saw in the grocery store buying spaghetti O’s or have a Pilates instructor that looks exactly like one of the Bachelorettes on the show...none of this is personal and I'm sure they are all lovely people.
Group Date One
Greatest Show on Earth
Stephy
McCracken
Jenni
Lindsey
Sarah
DeAhnna
Date box arrives with a ton of circus paraphernalia inside…big glasses, Dumbo ears, red noses…the works. DeAHnna is super stoked. She’s never been to a real circus…just the fake ones they put on in the Wal-Mart parking lot.
Brad is excited to see the inner child in all of the girls. He loads them up in a limo, reads his cue card, and tells the girls that they will be seeing lions, and tigers and bears…
They all shout, “OH MY!” in unison. Brad grins. Lincee rolls her eyes and reaches for her box of Kleenex.
They feed the elephants. One of them blows snot on young Sarah. Brad leads them to the luxury box. I wonder why I’ve never seen a luxury box at the circus? Probably because they don’t have those at the Wal-Mart circus. Gee…DeAHnna and I have a lot in common.
Stephy balances on a tight rope in her flip flops. Jenni balances on a ball. All the girls stand in a line while clowns juggle bowling pins around their faces. Jenni busts out into some spontaneous gymnastics. She executes a round-off, back handspring, back flip.
In a strapless top.
Good night! Did she staple the top to her chest? How in the world did that thing stay up? I bet she’s a little disappointed that ABC didn’t have to censor her nip with a little rose bud. I’m just saying…
Brad pulls Jenni away to tell her again that she reminds him of Katie Couric and that he has amazing chemistry with her. She decides to get serious and ask him if he can handle a long-distance relationship. And when you get serious with your fake boyfriend, you hold his had in a death grip to your chest. She takes a deep breath and starts chattering away.
She is a dancer for the Phoenix Suns and has committed to the entire season. She assures him that she wants to be the last one standing. Brad mumbles something about her allowing him to date other people and then tries to get to second base. Unsuccessful due to the Gorilla Glue holding Jenni’s shirt tight to her skin.
Brad moves on to Stephy who talks about her Dad the whole time.
She cries a little.
Sensing the emotional breakdown, Brad herds the girls backstage to watch the inner workings of the Ringling Brothers circus.
Next thing we know, the head clown grabs the audience’s attention by announcing some exciting news from the hanging microphone. The Sexiest Bachelor EVER is in the house- Brad Womack!
[Silence.]
Hi…ABC? It’s Lincee. Yeah…I don’t think these people have any clue as to what in the world the head clown was talking about when he presented Brad Womack, the Sexiest Bachelor EVER, to the circus audience. Maybe next time you could give a little introduction that you are the world renowned ABC reality hit THE BACHELOR and then hype up your boy a bit? You could show him in that shower scene and I bet…
[Audience sees Brad and goes nuts because of his sheer hotness.]
Well there you go. Shower scene not needed. What the heck do I know?
It’s at this point that we realize Brad has a thing for the circus. He is geeking out about being a guest ring master and even admits to the camera that he can’t contain himself.
“I feel like that kid from Titanic. I’m the king of the world.”
Insert Jim Halpert face here.
During the circus, Brad pulls McCracken away. He’s not sure of her intentions and admits that there is a friend vibe. McCracken is extremely upset to hear this news and tells him that she is not an insecure person and doesn’t need a rose to secure his affections. He confesses that this approach is refreshing and he escorts her back to the circus. McCracken tells the camera that dating Brad is like walking the tight rope…some people need a net and some people don’t.
$10 says the ABC psychoanalyst fed her that line. Seriously. McCracken coming up with that analogy? I don’t think so.
There were a few more circus moments but they are too embarrassing for me to write down. The wig. The clown nose. The dancing. Just trust me on this one. You don’t want to know.
Stephy gets a rose for putting herself out there by crying while talking about her Dad.
One-on-One Date
Hillary
Just Get Dressed and I’ll Take Care of the Rest!
Hillary pulls out a little trolley and a slinky black dress from her date box. Using both clues, she decides that her date destination will probably be San Francisco. Little did she know that ABC would rip-off the entire opera scene from Pretty Woman, right down to the million dollar jewelry around her neck.
Sister Solisa helps Hillary into her slinky black dress. She runs off to find some scissors. We’re not sure if this is to cut the dress into a short mini or to add another thigh-high slit. Regardless, Hillary is telling the camera her game plan. She’s going to be touchy, feely, keep him laughing and hopefully get a big fat kiss afterwards.
Unfortunately, she whined, moped, cried, gulped and got a sympathy rose at the end of dinner.
It started out with nervous giggling. Little eye contact.
Then it slowly turned into a trembling lip and watery eyes.
Cut to the other Bachelorettes talking about Hillary. Raise your hand if you want her gone? DeAHnna and McCracken raise their hands.
Back to Hillary: “I would rather give the shirt off my back and be happy and crazy in love than not find someone I can potentially like…someone I can fall in love with.”
Brad looks confused.
Bachelorettes: “I can’t believe you can be so rude?”
DeAHnna: “I’m just being honest. Why would I want her to come back? It’s a competition?”
McC: “I’m not here to make friends.”
Hillary: “I don’t want you to think I’m an emotional girl, but I do want to give my heart to someone and get married. I want them to love me for me…feel like I haven’t found that.”
Brad looks scared to death, takes a deep breath and hands her the rose.
Hillary: “I’m not going to look at you because you will make me cry.”
Insert Jim Halpert face here.
Brad makes it all better by taking her to the Ghiradelli Chocolate Factory. They make out and Hillary tells the camera she is in love.
Psycho.
Group Date Two
Boobies of the Caribbean
Sheena
Solisa
Kristy
Bettina
Jade
You can imagine what was in the date box. Sailor’s hat, anchor, pole for Solisa. Sheena is excited about the boat and the sails. She’s boated her whole life. Probably been to a regatta gala or two in her day.
Hey Sheena…we don’t know who you are. Maybe you should be excited about the hot guy beside you? Just a thought.
Sheena takes my advice and shows her adventurous side while risking her life (and Brad’s) on the wave runner. She shows her rebel side by being pulled over by the coast guard.
Bettina shows her dark side by admitting that she was married and divorced.
Kristy shows her fun side by steering the boat. Watch out Brad. She’s feisty! Brad gives her the rose.
And Sister Solisa shows her back side because, her words not mine, “All I can do is shake my butt really fast. So I did.” On his lap. Nice.
The Chad
Brad can’t believe his “identical” twin dropped everything to come to Malibu (in the same outfit because twins dress alike) and help him figure out which girls know the true Brad.
This has nothing to do with their bars, the Chuggin Monkey and the Dizzy Rooster, and how their sales have quadrupled since the Matthew McConaughey look alike hit the small screen three weeks ago.
Power of marketing people. I’m just saying.
Brad wants Chad to pose as him during cocktails to see who can tell the difference. He feels that if it’s real, she won’t be fooled.
The brothers, using their twin powers that only twins know, run down the list of girls, descriptions, likes and dislikes. Brad tells Chad:
Stephy: Likes her Dad
McCracken: Not intimidated by nets.
Jenni: Uses industrial strength duct tape to keep clothes on
Lindsey: Does not like work, but loves to water color
Sarah: Makes a mean Cosmopolitan
DeAhnna: It’s DeAHnna…not DeANNa
Sheena: Dude…try and figure out who this chick is, will ya?
Solisa: Your wife will kill you if you go near this woman
Kristy: She’s tall
Bettina: Tainted from a divorce
Jade: I’m questioning the length of her bangs. Is that wrong?
Brad stays in the limo to watch the action and give regurgitated one-liners fed to him by the ABC intern.
McCracken questions, but finally concludes that Brad has a case of the giggles. Lindsey dives in to deep conversation with Brad about engagements, camping and timelines. Not a clue. Sheena is suspicious right off the bat and tells him his voice is different and the weird patch of blond hair is not on his ear. She figures it out. Chad comes walking around the corner and Kristy screams, “You’re not BRAD!” Bettina figures it out after about a minute. And poor Sarah thinks Brad looks different but decides he’s just not himself tonight.
You think?
She decides it’s just her imagination. Bless her heart.
Classic Bachelor Line That Will Go Down in History:
Stephy: “Either Brad’s wearing dentures, or I’m really drunk!”
Later, our host Chris and Brad introduce Chad. Lots of freaking out, yelling, fantasizing by Solisa, pointing and gasping. Brad admits that it was a test and he feels it was important to know who knew that Chad was not the genuine article. All intentions were pure.
That has to make you feel good that some girls pay that much attention to you.
Or it’s scary
Sarah the fetus and Lindsey the swimming nanny/model were both
sent packing along with Sister Solisa. Sarah was distracted by Chad/Brad’s drink to notice it wasn’t really him. Trooper Lindsey tells the camera that she’s not going to cry over something that wasn’t there. Then she cries.
And then there’s Sister Solisa. I’m going to miss that girl. I felt that they had a strong connection. I mean, she did show him those “very special parts” of herself. I guess those “special parts” were not what he was looking for.
All about the shame, not the fame,
Lincee
Tuesday, October 02, 2007
Here’s to the North, Here’s to the South…
So there I was in my kitchen wearing only a string bikini, mixing drinks as usual, when three thoughts occurred to me.
1. The pronunciation of our Bachelor’s last name. Womack. ABC is adamant, almost forceful, with the emphasis on the WOE in Womack. A hard WOE if you will. This is merely an observation.
1. The pronunciation of our Bachelor’s last name. Womack. ABC is adamant, almost forceful, with the emphasis on the WOE in Womack. A hard WOE if you will. This is merely an observation.
2. How cute is our host Chris Harrison? Isn’t he super adorable when he discusses that Brad WOmack will be taking the girls on two group dates? Precious!
3. Breast Cancer Awareness York Peppermint Patties. Complete with a pink center! I suggest you run and buy several bags today. Not only are they tasty, but support a great cause!
SIMPLE DISCLAIMER
SIMPLE DISCLAIMER
The following information you are about to read is of personal opinion. You probably aren’t even reading this because the simple disclaimer has been a part of my recap since the days I emailed this puppy to just a few of my closer friends. HA! Fooled you. You’ve skipped this witty banter and will not know what in the world your friends are talking about when they say, “Did you like the new disclaimer Lincee did?” However, if you or someone on your Facebook page happens to personally know, sort of know, know the brother/cousin of, thought you saw in the grocery store buying spaghetti O’s or have a Pilates instructor that looks exactly like one of the Bachelorettes on the show...none of this is personal and I'm sure they are all lovely people.
Date One
Join me for a day at the races!
Erin
McCarten
Kristy
Mallory
Hillary
Jade
DeAHnna
As the girls reveal little fake horses, binoculars and betting tickets from the big date box, there was really only one thing that kept running through my mind…
Would you wear the big hat?
I know it is a fun tradition and I’m sure those hats are the latest trends on the fashion runway. However, some were literally big enough to shelter four people from a torrential downpour and I don’t know if I would have chosen that moment to try and pull it off. I’m just saying.
Back to the race track.
Brad is in serious mode. He is in this to find a wife and wastes no time in admitting to the camera that he wants good detailed conversations with these ladies. He is interested to see who bets big and who plays it safe, because you can learn a lot from a gambler. You learn when to hold em, when to fold em, when to walk away and when to run. And let’s face it…Brad needs to run, screaming, from some of these women.
The first one-on-one time we see is with Hillary. You remember her. The one I thought was the cute girl-next-door from Philadelphia? Well guess what? She’s the girl-next-door that will stab you in the back with the same knife she keys your car. But we’ll get to that later.
Hill and Brad feed carrots to the horses, laugh, hold hands and discuss surface issues like the weather as he rubs the small of her back. On a scale from one to 10, Hill tells Brad he is an 11.5! She then tells the camera that she will kick anyone in their shins if they mess with her man. I’d be willing to bet she’d scratch your eyes out too. Literally.
I’m not quite sure what ABC is trying to pimp this next moment, but Shaun Phillips of the San Diego Chargers saunters into the luxury box. He gives the girls t-shirts and steps outside to discuss his first impressions with Bradley. He thinks that McCracken is awesome (probably because she was the only one who knew who he was) and he thinks DD is cool.
So then Brad…wait a minute…what? Back up. Who the heck is DD?
After a quick rewind of the DVR, I learn that DD is none other than DAHnna. Guess she created a nickname for herself because we ALL KNOW that she doesn’t like to be called DeANNa.
Where was I?
So then Brad gets a phone call from Michelle. Home girl has gone and “fallen” down the stairs. Luckily, Sheena was there to “find” her laying flat on her back and immediately called and ambulance. The girls were SO CONCERNED that not one of them accompanied her to the hospital. Brad learns that she has a concussion.
McCracken: “She has a concussion and can call you from the hospital?”
Nice. Class act right there. Later, McCracken wonders how Michelle got Brad’s phone number? Feeling that she is losing her psycho death grip, she chooses to snag him away for some alone time. Action must be taken!
And here we are. It’s the moment. You know the one I’m talking about and my blood pressure is rising just typing the words. My brain is swelling from remembering the scene. All of you by now know that I spend half of the show hiding behind a couch pillow, screaming “STOP IT” to the TV while rocking myself back and forth in hopes to comfort my rotting soul.
And this moment was no different.
MC: “I want to make a toast to new beginnings and perfect dates.”
BW: “OK. That sounds great. You know…”
MC interrupting: “Or I could just kiss you.”
Poor Brad isn’t even looking anywhere near her face. His focus is concentrating on his boot, his champagne, the splendor of the grass…I don’t know, but my boy starts talking about how glad he was that they were at the horse races when McCracken lays one on him in mid-sentence.
I’m not one to judge and say that’s not attractive…to interrupt a conversation with a kiss. It can be very exciting! Typically though, there is a moment…a split second moment…where the other person gets it, eyes lock, a flash of a flirty smile, mere millimeters away from each other…and you know they would rather make out than talk. It’s mutual.
This, dear reader, was not that moment.
As I mentioned, Brad has yet to make eye contact with McCracken. It’s unsure if he didn’t hear her, or was choosing to ignore the comment. Regardless, she’s panicking and chooses to go in for the kill because time is running out. He begins to turn towards her when she leans in and lands sort of in the vicinity of where the cheek, meets the end of the nose, meets the corner of the mouth. Brad, freaking out, decides to keep talking. He muffles out something about being glad she is with him. And as I type this, the awkwardness is STILL HAPPENING. He won’t quit babbling. She won’t stop kissing.
It is at this point when I go from comfort rocking and muttering of my signature, “Nonononononononono,” behind my couch pillow to a mixture of pacing the living room floor, sitting, standing, pacing, screaming and literally walking into the kitchen away from Satan’s box because I am quite honestly that embarrassed. It was so bad, that I didn’t care there were a few things I probably missed. I race back in the room when I hear Brad talking. And I am so glad I made it in time for him to admit to the camera:
“We shared a kiss…and it wasn’t that good.” He melts into a fit of giggles, which makes me adore him even after that hideous display of affection. Let the record show that I blame McCracken. At this point in the night, I still had hope for Brad’s kissing abilities.
Back to business.
DeAHnna tells Brad she was in a relationship for five years. He commends her for her commitment. She said he cheated and she would never be unfaithful. He praises her honesty as he fastens a flyaway hair behind her ear. She admits that it’s hard to vie for his attention, but she came in with open mind. What you see is what you get. Brad gives her the date rose and tells her he wants to keep her around as long as she wants to be around. See? Guys love a challenge!
Date Two
Let’s get half naked with the hoochie mammas!
Bettina
Stephy
Sheena
Sarah
Katie Couric
Lindsey
Solisa
After a quick bikini fashion show to remind the Date One girls that Brad will be seeing their boobs and butts, the seven girls blow kisses to the camera and head to the coast with Brad in his 1960s “Surfin’ USA” Beach Boys automobile.
Girls are cartwheeling on the beach, playing football, “surfing” and pulling wedgies. A fun time was had by all.
Brad takes his position behind the bar to make everyone drinks. The girls are extremely annoyed that Brad has not taken his shirt off. Lincee is extremely annoyed that Brad has not taken his shirt off.
Finally, Stephy succeeds with the removal of the dark blue fitted tee and confesses to the camera that what is underneath was good…really good. I would have to agree with that statement.
Now that shirts are off, the party can get into full swing. Brad pours a round of shots and Katie Couric toasts the group: “Here’s to the north…here’s to the south…here’s to finding out what he can do with his mouth!”
ABC…America’s family network.
Sarah steals some alone time with Brad. They talk and talk about things they have in common…like they were both once 21…and Brad tells the camera that he loves her disposition. He thinks she is down-to-earth and has a lot of fun talking to her. He gives her the date rose and she cheeses out for him.
Let the record show that I think she will go far, but I don’t think he would pick someone that young. We shall see.
When they return to the party, Solisa, bless her heart, asks Brad to do a body shot. Some salt is sprinkled and licked off her collar bone, tequila is sucked out of her belly button and a lemon is gnawed out of her mouth.
Again…fun for the whole family.
Poor Bettina wants to throw up. Brad is cautious. He’s trying to stay open-mined. “Hey…if you are fun and wild, that’s fine. Just show me the real you.”
So she does. Cut to Solisa sharing her faith with Brad as she lectures him on how important values are to her. Oh…and she is comfortable with her body and there’s nothing to be ashamed of.
Great.
Not to be outdone by Solisa, Stephy decides to belly up to the bar and take a shot off our bachelor. He looked EXTREMELY uncomfortable.
I think I’ll replay this episode at the Ray Family Christmas.
Brad finally finds some one-on-one time with his favorite audience, Katie Couric. He simply can’t NOT laugh and/or smile when he’s with her. They get caught up in a moment and start to make out. It wasn’t bad. I can concur that it was leaps and bounds better than the “other episode” we discussed early.
Meanwhile, back at the Bachelorette pad, Jade and Hillary “find” Katie Couric’s modeling book by jimmying the lock on her suitcase. They quickly spread the word that she is only there to advance her career.
RETURN OF THE HOT TUB! WHOOT!
Although we didn’t spend too much time in the hot tub, I’m quite sure that the ABC intern will provide many more steamy scenes for our viewing pleasure in the future. After toasting to life, love and happiness, Brad asks the group what the craziest thing they’ve ever done. Instead of answering the question, Lindsey tells all the crazy things she has NEVER done. One includes going skinny dipping.
Sister Solisa takes this opportunity to whip off her top and go bounding in the ocean. Bachelorettes gone WILD indeed!
Sadly, no one followed…not even Bradley. Kind of reminded me of the time Will Farrell enthusiastically encouraged the crowd to go streaking in the quad on Old School.
ROSE CEREMONY
First thing on agenda is to check up on Michelle. He’s worried she will feel bad that he’s kicking her off after falling down the stairs.
Bettina wants to have the BIG D conversation but chickens out. Instead she tells him that she can’t imagine anywhere else she’d rather be.
Mallory tells him that if they get together, she will require breakfast in bed and refuses to work for a living.
Katie Couric overhears Hillary and Jade tell the other girls about the modeling book they “happened” upon in Katie Couric’s suitcase. Katie Couric cries in the bathroom to a very bored looking DeAHnna. Her advice? Don’t trust anybody. But Katie Couric is a good person and needs other to accept her. She runs off to make friendship bracelets.
Jade (not a trash talker) advises the Bachelor that some people here want to further their career and to just be aware. She also throws in that she’s not going to flaunt her ta-ta’s...just for good measure.
I’m sure to no one’s surprise, Michelle, Erin and Mallory are out. I still have no clue who Sheena is.
But I’m super excited about next week! Brad activates his wonder twin power and talks Chad into visiting with the girls at the rose ceremony! Can. Not. Wait.
All about the shame, not the fame,
Lincee
Date One
Join me for a day at the races!
Erin
McCarten
Kristy
Mallory
Hillary
Jade
DeAHnna
As the girls reveal little fake horses, binoculars and betting tickets from the big date box, there was really only one thing that kept running through my mind…
Would you wear the big hat?
I know it is a fun tradition and I’m sure those hats are the latest trends on the fashion runway. However, some were literally big enough to shelter four people from a torrential downpour and I don’t know if I would have chosen that moment to try and pull it off. I’m just saying.
Back to the race track.
Brad is in serious mode. He is in this to find a wife and wastes no time in admitting to the camera that he wants good detailed conversations with these ladies. He is interested to see who bets big and who plays it safe, because you can learn a lot from a gambler. You learn when to hold em, when to fold em, when to walk away and when to run. And let’s face it…Brad needs to run, screaming, from some of these women.
The first one-on-one time we see is with Hillary. You remember her. The one I thought was the cute girl-next-door from Philadelphia? Well guess what? She’s the girl-next-door that will stab you in the back with the same knife she keys your car. But we’ll get to that later.
Hill and Brad feed carrots to the horses, laugh, hold hands and discuss surface issues like the weather as he rubs the small of her back. On a scale from one to 10, Hill tells Brad he is an 11.5! She then tells the camera that she will kick anyone in their shins if they mess with her man. I’d be willing to bet she’d scratch your eyes out too. Literally.
I’m not quite sure what ABC is trying to pimp this next moment, but Shaun Phillips of the San Diego Chargers saunters into the luxury box. He gives the girls t-shirts and steps outside to discuss his first impressions with Bradley. He thinks that McCracken is awesome (probably because she was the only one who knew who he was) and he thinks DD is cool.
So then Brad…wait a minute…what? Back up. Who the heck is DD?
After a quick rewind of the DVR, I learn that DD is none other than DAHnna. Guess she created a nickname for herself because we ALL KNOW that she doesn’t like to be called DeANNa.
Where was I?
So then Brad gets a phone call from Michelle. Home girl has gone and “fallen” down the stairs. Luckily, Sheena was there to “find” her laying flat on her back and immediately called and ambulance. The girls were SO CONCERNED that not one of them accompanied her to the hospital. Brad learns that she has a concussion.
McCracken: “She has a concussion and can call you from the hospital?”
Nice. Class act right there. Later, McCracken wonders how Michelle got Brad’s phone number? Feeling that she is losing her psycho death grip, she chooses to snag him away for some alone time. Action must be taken!
And here we are. It’s the moment. You know the one I’m talking about and my blood pressure is rising just typing the words. My brain is swelling from remembering the scene. All of you by now know that I spend half of the show hiding behind a couch pillow, screaming “STOP IT” to the TV while rocking myself back and forth in hopes to comfort my rotting soul.
And this moment was no different.
MC: “I want to make a toast to new beginnings and perfect dates.”
BW: “OK. That sounds great. You know…”
MC interrupting: “Or I could just kiss you.”
Poor Brad isn’t even looking anywhere near her face. His focus is concentrating on his boot, his champagne, the splendor of the grass…I don’t know, but my boy starts talking about how glad he was that they were at the horse races when McCracken lays one on him in mid-sentence.
I’m not one to judge and say that’s not attractive…to interrupt a conversation with a kiss. It can be very exciting! Typically though, there is a moment…a split second moment…where the other person gets it, eyes lock, a flash of a flirty smile, mere millimeters away from each other…and you know they would rather make out than talk. It’s mutual.
This, dear reader, was not that moment.
As I mentioned, Brad has yet to make eye contact with McCracken. It’s unsure if he didn’t hear her, or was choosing to ignore the comment. Regardless, she’s panicking and chooses to go in for the kill because time is running out. He begins to turn towards her when she leans in and lands sort of in the vicinity of where the cheek, meets the end of the nose, meets the corner of the mouth. Brad, freaking out, decides to keep talking. He muffles out something about being glad she is with him. And as I type this, the awkwardness is STILL HAPPENING. He won’t quit babbling. She won’t stop kissing.
It is at this point when I go from comfort rocking and muttering of my signature, “Nonononononononono,” behind my couch pillow to a mixture of pacing the living room floor, sitting, standing, pacing, screaming and literally walking into the kitchen away from Satan’s box because I am quite honestly that embarrassed. It was so bad, that I didn’t care there were a few things I probably missed. I race back in the room when I hear Brad talking. And I am so glad I made it in time for him to admit to the camera:
“We shared a kiss…and it wasn’t that good.” He melts into a fit of giggles, which makes me adore him even after that hideous display of affection. Let the record show that I blame McCracken. At this point in the night, I still had hope for Brad’s kissing abilities.
Back to business.
DeAHnna tells Brad she was in a relationship for five years. He commends her for her commitment. She said he cheated and she would never be unfaithful. He praises her honesty as he fastens a flyaway hair behind her ear. She admits that it’s hard to vie for his attention, but she came in with open mind. What you see is what you get. Brad gives her the date rose and tells her he wants to keep her around as long as she wants to be around. See? Guys love a challenge!
Date Two
Let’s get half naked with the hoochie mammas!
Bettina
Stephy
Sheena
Sarah
Katie Couric
Lindsey
Solisa
After a quick bikini fashion show to remind the Date One girls that Brad will be seeing their boobs and butts, the seven girls blow kisses to the camera and head to the coast with Brad in his 1960s “Surfin’ USA” Beach Boys automobile.
Girls are cartwheeling on the beach, playing football, “surfing” and pulling wedgies. A fun time was had by all.
Brad takes his position behind the bar to make everyone drinks. The girls are extremely annoyed that Brad has not taken his shirt off. Lincee is extremely annoyed that Brad has not taken his shirt off.
Finally, Stephy succeeds with the removal of the dark blue fitted tee and confesses to the camera that what is underneath was good…really good. I would have to agree with that statement.
Now that shirts are off, the party can get into full swing. Brad pours a round of shots and Katie Couric toasts the group: “Here’s to the north…here’s to the south…here’s to finding out what he can do with his mouth!”
ABC…America’s family network.
Sarah steals some alone time with Brad. They talk and talk about things they have in common…like they were both once 21…and Brad tells the camera that he loves her disposition. He thinks she is down-to-earth and has a lot of fun talking to her. He gives her the date rose and she cheeses out for him.
Let the record show that I think she will go far, but I don’t think he would pick someone that young. We shall see.
When they return to the party, Solisa, bless her heart, asks Brad to do a body shot. Some salt is sprinkled and licked off her collar bone, tequila is sucked out of her belly button and a lemon is gnawed out of her mouth.
Again…fun for the whole family.
Poor Bettina wants to throw up. Brad is cautious. He’s trying to stay open-mined. “Hey…if you are fun and wild, that’s fine. Just show me the real you.”
So she does. Cut to Solisa sharing her faith with Brad as she lectures him on how important values are to her. Oh…and she is comfortable with her body and there’s nothing to be ashamed of.
Great.
Not to be outdone by Solisa, Stephy decides to belly up to the bar and take a shot off our bachelor. He looked EXTREMELY uncomfortable.
I think I’ll replay this episode at the Ray Family Christmas.
Brad finally finds some one-on-one time with his favorite audience, Katie Couric. He simply can’t NOT laugh and/or smile when he’s with her. They get caught up in a moment and start to make out. It wasn’t bad. I can concur that it was leaps and bounds better than the “other episode” we discussed early.
Meanwhile, back at the Bachelorette pad, Jade and Hillary “find” Katie Couric’s modeling book by jimmying the lock on her suitcase. They quickly spread the word that she is only there to advance her career.
RETURN OF THE HOT TUB! WHOOT!
Although we didn’t spend too much time in the hot tub, I’m quite sure that the ABC intern will provide many more steamy scenes for our viewing pleasure in the future. After toasting to life, love and happiness, Brad asks the group what the craziest thing they’ve ever done. Instead of answering the question, Lindsey tells all the crazy things she has NEVER done. One includes going skinny dipping.
Sister Solisa takes this opportunity to whip off her top and go bounding in the ocean. Bachelorettes gone WILD indeed!
Sadly, no one followed…not even Bradley. Kind of reminded me of the time Will Farrell enthusiastically encouraged the crowd to go streaking in the quad on Old School.
ROSE CEREMONY
First thing on agenda is to check up on Michelle. He’s worried she will feel bad that he’s kicking her off after falling down the stairs.
Bettina wants to have the BIG D conversation but chickens out. Instead she tells him that she can’t imagine anywhere else she’d rather be.
Mallory tells him that if they get together, she will require breakfast in bed and refuses to work for a living.
Katie Couric overhears Hillary and Jade tell the other girls about the modeling book they “happened” upon in Katie Couric’s suitcase. Katie Couric cries in the bathroom to a very bored looking DeAHnna. Her advice? Don’t trust anybody. But Katie Couric is a good person and needs other to accept her. She runs off to make friendship bracelets.
Jade (not a trash talker) advises the Bachelor that some people here want to further their career and to just be aware. She also throws in that she’s not going to flaunt her ta-ta’s...just for good measure.
I’m sure to no one’s surprise, Michelle, Erin and Mallory are out. I still have no clue who Sheena is.
But I’m super excited about next week! Brad activates his wonder twin power and talks Chad into visiting with the girls at the rose ceremony! Can. Not. Wait.
All about the shame, not the fame,
Lincee
Monday, October 01, 2007
For those of you who love Brad...
My buddy Mike McGruff over at ABC 13 here in Houston sent me a link to their website that has an uncut version of their interview with Bachelor Brad. Enjoy!
http://abclocal.go.com/ktrk/story?section=local&id=5675137
http://abclocal.go.com/ktrk/story?section=local&id=5675137
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