The Bachelor Recaps: 04/07

Tuesday, April 24, 2007

He Feels Connected


Well, I made it back in one piece. Quick shout out to all my rig peeps in the Rocky Mountains. Although my friends in North Dakota are just now discovering karaoke (which they pronounce Kah-roe-key) and I’m going to go out on a limb and say they have no clue that I write a blog…let alone what a blog is. But I love them anyway! Oh yah!

Another big shout out to Blair. She approached me at church on Sunday as we were leaving asking if I was “Lincee who writes the recap.” I was excited to talk to someone about the upcoming episode, but somehow we lost each other and nothing was mentioned more than a hello. Blair…find me on Sunday. We’ll discuss. I’ll meet you by the popcorn counter. (We meet in a movie theater. My church is so hip.)

Thanks to the well wishes for the ginormous knee issues I’m experiencing. I have the sweetest strangers posting on my site!

And finally, can someone please tell me why “Defying Gravity” from the hit Broadway musical Wicked will NOT stop playing in my head? Sure I have dreams of flying high above an audience, my face painted green, and screaming to the top of my lungs that no one will ever bring me down, but I had dreams of being a Dallas Cowboy Cheerleader too. Look how that turned out.

The word you are looking for is…

Anyway…

SIMPLE DISCLAIMER

The following information you are about to read is of personal opinion. If this e-mail circulates to friends, family, enemies...that is your business. However, if you or someone in your address book happens to personally know, sort of know, know the brother/cousin of, thought you saw in the grocery store buying Spring Oreos and Spaghetti O’s or have a spin instructor that looks exactly like one of the Bachelorettes on the show...none of this is personal and I'm sure they are all lovely people.

I absolutely loved last night’s episode. Our girls were in full force last night with tears, insecurities and back stabbing gossip. Isn’t this what we love about our beloved show?!? Can I get an AMEN!?!?

We begin with my favorite host Chris telling the girls they are on their way to Lake Tahoe! This excites the nine remaining girls and they scream at the top of their lungs! All except Bev that is. Bev is down. She has a bum ankle and will not get to show our Bachelor: An Officer and a Gentleman that she is a cool guy’s girl who loves outdoors and snow. Cry me a river Bev.

The Lieutenant pulls the Delorean up next to the private jet. They fly to Lake Tahoe. They board a bus. Andy dances. Lincee blushes. Tina is self conscious. He takes them to their suite. They scream like little girls again. Baldwin tackles three girls onto one bed and asks if they’ve ever played steam roller. Psycho Stephanie proceeds to “steam roll” her way across three girls to land in the horizontal tango with Andy.

And this is just the first two minutes of the show! Nice!


GROUP DATE ONE
“Put on your party dresses and see who feels lucky!”
Punky/Nicole
Gymnast Stephanie
Dani
Bevin

The viewing audience is almost immediately taken to a closed door in which sweet innocent Tessa is doing her best to console the constant tears of Bevin. Poor Bev has only half an hour to get ready for her group date and is not capable of doing anything. Even the simplest of tasks are IMPOSSIBLE to accomplish while hobbling around on stupid crutches. What’s a 32-year-old…I mean…a 28-year old to do?

Take advantage of the nice girls of course! Amber irons her dress. Tess does her makeup. Tina does her hair.

Oh she’s milking it. Give her the entire cow.

Andy feels that Lake Tahoe is the most romantic location ever for a date. He uses this small fact to create an ice breaker for the four girls by asking them, “What’s the most romantic place for a date?” Punky has barely uttered the word, “Cabo” when Andy’s antenna zones in on Bev’s face. Something is wrong. He senses pain. The good Doctor must get to the bottom of this.

“I saw Bev’s wall of protection starting to crumble. I took her aside to see what was going on.”

Seriously. He said that.

Surprise, surprise, Bev takes this opportunity to fall on Andy’s shoulder and cry about all of the fun everyone is having and how she can’t do anything because of her stupid ankle. She wants him to know that she is a fun person and HATES that she is hurt.

Andy: “People get hurt in life. That’s what people are there for…relationships. If I were to get hurt, I know that people would come to my aid.”

Bev: “But it’s weird to me to have someone help me. I don’t get to show you who I am.”

Andy: “Do you feel the electricity when I touch you. Do you feel that? I want you to remain hopeful and stick with it.”

Seriously. You can’t make this up people.

The rest of the girls are beginning to feel a bit left out.

Dani: “He’s a sympathetic guy and she is working it.”
Punky: Throws out our first “f” bomb bleep. Classy!
Gymnast Steph: “I think they are making out.”

Indeed they were making out. Well. Sort of. Andy somewhat pecks with tight lips. Must have been the angle of the camera.

They return to dinner. Bevin comments on the jealous looks thrown her way and hopes that someone doesn’t stab her in the back. Then she adjusts her black mini dress due to the fact that her white girdle was exposed.

The group walks in a drill team line down the row of slot machines to Harrah’s Casino. Bev calls for a hard eight.

Lieutenant as he sips from his straw: “Was that a hard eight or heartache?”

He’s full of them tonight ladies and gentleman.

Before Bev can giggle and pretend blush, Lieutenant Baldwin’s radar picks up on an unhappy soul. Here we go again.

Andy: “Steph wasn’t herself. I decided to have some alone time with her to see what was plaguing her heart.”

Gym: “I’m just emotionally and physically drained. I don’t want you to think I’m overwhelmed…I’m just going to cry on your shoulder for a minute. It’s hard for me because I like to plan things.”

Andy: “ I want you to know that I think you are amazing. I hope I get to meet your family.”

Then Dani walks in to steal him away. Lord help me if this chick starts to cry.

Dani: “I like to see your vulnerability.”
Andy: “You are a very strong woman. I would expect nothing less from a north easterner. (huh?) The connection I feel with you is worth fighting for…you are the most genuine person I’ve ever met.”

Then they kiss. Well. Sort of. Another series of tight lip pecks. Must have been the lighting.

And now the moment they’ve all been waiting for. Who gets the special quality time with the Bachelor: An Officer and a Gentleman?

After a brief swig from his straw and a very robotic discussion with the ladies, my boy picks Bev. He’s a doctor. It’s his nature to care about people.

It is at this point that I say out loud:

“He’s going to carry her to his suite. She’s conveniently forgotten her crutches.”

And he does. Bev doesn’t care that her Spanx are showing on national TV. Like a true man, he kicks open the hotel door and flings her on the sofa. They have a discussion about nerds and how he always won the science fair at high school. (Did anyone else notice how snotty our Lieutenant was during this conversation?)

Andy then tells Bev that he has always wanted to be an astronaut.

RANDOM SIDE TRACK
Last night I watched the Bachelor: An Officer and a Gentleman with my dear friends Bob and Rebecca. Their dear friends Chris and Corina were also there to bask in the presence of our Lieutenant.

I’d like to take this time to point out that Bob, Chris and Corina work for NASA and Rebecca used to work there. You can imagine the anticipation we all felt when our beloved Bachelor: An Officer and a Gentleman started talking about his dream of being an astronaut.

I believe it was Chris who said, “I call BS. He’d never make it. There are no hot tubs on the space station.”

I never laughed so hard in my life.

Andy thinks Bev is real. Bev says she can’t NOT be real. We see her girdle again. Andy wants to know if he is in Hawaii in a year, where will she be. She answers Hawaii.

And then they kiss again. Well. Sort of.

Actually…I’m beginning to feel bad for the guy. I ask Bob his opinion on the kissing technique. No comment. Hmmmm. It must be the camera. Yeah. That’s it. Andy is scared of the camera and doesn’t want to really kiss her until later.

He takes her back to the girls’ suite. He says she is his sanctuary. She calls him romantic. They kiss like they are in 6th grade and the Lieutenant tells the camera that knowing that there is a woman like Bevin on this adventure makes him feel like there is going to be a happy ending.


GROUP DATE TWO
Psycho Steph
Tessa
Tina
Kate

Andy is excited about skiing in the outdoors. (As opposed to skiing in the indoors?)

Steph jumps him because it’s her birthday! And nothing else is ever said about it. Uh oh Steph. Red flags. Flying. Everywhere. Beware!

Kate has never been skiing before. She doesn’t see the appeal of something that is cold and wet. She hates snow.

Is anyone else LOVING Kate as much as me this episode?

Tess is a natural. She invites Andy to jump on the back of her skis. He digs this. She says there is friction in the air. Andy thinks it’s because everything is becoming real and emotions are soaring.

Andy: “I hope that you know I really feel a connection. I’m not just blowing smoke. I hope you stick with it.”

Tess: “I feel one too, but I have to be honest…it’s hard to be friends with people who feel strong connections with you too.”

Keep in mind that this whole conversation is peppered with sniffs and snot. I want to make sure you have a true visual…

Steph is not here to be in sorority house. She tells the camera that she would throw another girl under the bus. Would not hesitate.

Steph to Andy: “I know you want strong independent woman. I’m telling you that some of these girls can’t do that. They are too young and immature. Keep your eyes open. You are doing okay. I came into this and knew exactly what I was getting into. Most of these girls didn’t.”


Andy confesses to the camera: “It’s really hard to hear what Stephanie has to say. Jealously is a rampant beast. (Bob laughs) A lot of girls are annoyed. I’m trying to be a gentleman. The intense drama between the girls is beginning to annoy me. To hear that, gets under my skin. I’m trying to find a wife.”

To Psycho Steph’s dismay, Andy invites Kate to join him in a gondola ride up the mountain. This is when Kate decides that she probably won’t get a rose and she is gong to reek havoc on the girls. She proceeds to throw Amber and Psycho Steph under the bus. Andy appreciates her honesty and knows that she truly wants him to find love.

Bless Andy’s heart.

To no one’s surprise (in our little NASA group) the Lieutenant picks Tina for his super special alone time.

Tina: “I came here to see if we connect. It was never about me competing with someone else.”
Andy: “You are unique and sexy…not into playing games or back stabbing.”
Tina: “Thanks! I’m really, really trying! Are you high maintenance? The car…the yacht? Seriously? You can’t afford that?”
NASA group: LAUGHING HYSTERICALLY!
Andy: “You impress me with your questions. I think you are just what the doctor ordered.”
NASA group: Collective groan from all five of us.

Meanwhile, Psycho Steph is confused as to why Andy didn’t pick her for alone time. The last time they were together was the first solo date. She decides to reflect by the window.

Kate: “What are you doing?”
Psycho: “Crying about how beautiful the view is.”

Insert Jim Halpert face from Kate.

Classic. Absolutely classic. She must read this blog and did that for me.
Cyber high five my friend!

ONE-ON-ONE DATE

Amber had onions for dinner and is worried about her breath. Someone suggests she suck on a lemon. And she does it. What the crap Amber? Ever heard of toothpaste? Binaca? Orbitz gum?

Then there is the dilemma about what to wear. Jeans? Heels? Hat? Scarf? Too dressy? Too casual? Where are we going? Outside? Inside?

Hey Amber? It’s Lincee. Look. No one cares. Give it up.

Andy arrives and takes her to a cozy cabin. She spots the rose immediately and turns into annoying girl. They begin an awkward conversation about rumors and intensions and what people have been telling him. It’s all very cryptic, but the smile that is usually plastered on our Bachelor: An Officer and a Gentleman is mysteriously gone.

MAYDAYMAYDAYMAYDAYMAYDAY!
The ship is sinking Amber! Take immediate action!

So they go to the hot tub so she can make him forget about the rumors. The talk about how romantic Lake Tahoe is and how romantic the hotel is and how romantic the hot tub is and how romantic the champagne is.

Andy gets this goofy grin on his face and says, “I know something that will make it even more romantic.”

I kid you not reader…my first thought was that Andy was going to fart in the hot tub. And I would have laughed my butt off. Literally. WHERE WERE YOU ABC INTERN! THAT WOULD HAVE GONE DOWN IN BACHELOR HISTORY!

Instead, he runs and gets the rose. And they kiss. Well. Sort of.

RANDOM SIDE TRACK NUMBER TWO
My dear friend Caroline called me this morning to chat about the show. We visited about the obvious things and then she gets quiet.

“What is it?” I ask cautiously.
“Lincee…do you think he is a good kisser?”

Sadly, I answer no. But I do believe there is potential.

The thing about this conversation is that Caroline’s sweet husband Michael even noticed the Lieutenant’s lack of lip action. When a guy is commenting on how the Bachelor: An Officer and a Gentleman is falling short of our expectations in the makeout department, it might be time to take action.

This is two years in a row ABC. I know Andy is not as bad as Renzy, but seriously…maybe there should be a coach on site? The potential is there.

I’m just saying.


BEFORE THE ROSE CEREMONY

Kate apologizes for her word vomit.
Psycho Steph thinks her dress is smoking hot.
Lincee thinks her boobs are fake.

Kate then throws Amber under the bus saying that she heard from
her best friend's sister's boyfriend's brother's girlfriend who heard from this guy who knows this kid who's going with the girl who saw Tina who said that Amber and Andy almost had s-e-x the other night and the relationship must be pretty serious. This makes Amber cry to Andy.

Kate then tells Bev that there are a couple of people who shouldn’t trust her.

Andy takes his drink with a straw out to the Pier One wicker patio furniture and has some alone time with Tess.

Tess: “Like a said before a thousand times…when I’m with you, I’m cool. But when I’m living with these psycho girls, it’s weird. For me it has to build. When I compare…I feel like I should leave.”

Andy: “Tessa…focus on this (points to heart) and forget the other girls. I know that we have a connection. Are you willing to get to know me more.”

Tess: “Just be open and honest. If you know what you want…I don’t want to get hurt.”

Why do I have the feeling that this chick is going to get hurt?

ROSE CEREMONY
Tessa
Bev: Carry it close, okay?
Dani
Tina
Stephanie Kansas

I have to say that Bob called it. He said early on that Psycho was out. I have to admit that I’m a little said that she’s gone. Kate too. There are only good girls left, so the next five weeks are going to be about hot tubs, sort of kissing and lots of zingy one-liners from our Bachelor: An Officer and a Gentleman.

Is it bad that I’m already bored? I hope ABC proves me wrong…

Lots of love and prayers to our Virginia Tech friends.

All about the shame, not the fame,
Lincee

Tuesday, April 17, 2007

The Need for Speed


I’m in Rock Springs, Wyoming tonight. My knee is swollen to the size of my thigh. My head is killing me and the bed at the Quality Inn is sub-standard.

But I’m here. I’m dedicated. I will press on through the pain and discomfort.

Before I jump in and discuss last night’s AWESOME episode, I thought I’d answer some of the questions from the message board:

Q: Are you writing a book?
A: Wouldn’t that be fun? I have no idea what I would write about though. I have decided to launch a website where I blog about the crazy things in my life at the conclusion of this season’s Bachelor. Stay tuned for details!

Q: Are you single? Will you marry me? (two separate entries)
A: I am single. However, while visiting an offshore rig in Mexico three weeks ago, a guy was introducing me to all of the crews as his wife. Not being fluent in Spanish, I had no idea he was doing this until I left the rig. I don’t think we got married while I was there…If you happen to visit Ciudad del Carmen in the near future, the rumor is that I’m married to Jose. Not sure of my last name, but we make a lovely couple!

Q: How many posts do you have?
A: I’m at 633,000 hits

On with the recap!

SIMPLE DISCLAIMER

The following information you are about to read is of personal opinion. If this e-mail circulates to friends, family, enemies...that is your business. However, if you or someone in your address book happens to personally know, sort of know, know the brother/cousin of, thought you saw in the grocery store buying Spring Oreos and Spaghetti O’s or have a spin instructor that looks exactly like one of the Bachelorettes on the show...none of this is personal and I'm sure they are all lovely people.

BOOT CAMP BABY!
After our traditional opening montage by hour host Chris Harrison, the scene switches to a beautiful sunrise. Slowly, we hear birds chirping. Women sleeping. More birds chirping.

And we all know what is about to happen…

A loud, bossy man covered in camouflage screams to the top of his lungs:
“Let’s go! Let’s GO! LET’S GO!”

Girls begin to freak out. Kate tosses out a few curse words and complains about her hangover. Hef’s wife looks confused and is lost without her twin. And our host Chris Harrison is choking back a fit of the giggles as Mr. Clean on Crack beckons the girls downstairs.

Mr. Clean explains the girls will be going to boot camp to compete for a rose and the affection of the Lieutenant. I’m a bit nervous that the “fun” will begin right now, fully knowing that it would be the ABC intern’s idea to boot camp sans bras. Not the case.

But there are a ton of butt shots as the girls get ready.

The sergeant gives two of the girls a toothbrush and tells them to scrub the toilets. His motto? Life sucks and then you die.

The girls are ushered outside for some morning calisthenics. Sergeant is screaming for number 12…where is number 12? We see Punky putting lotion on in the bathroom. She is late!

1-2-3-4
I don’t know
But I’ve been told
5-6-7-8
I am going
To get the rose

They really just said that. Huh.

Knees up!
NO GIRL PUSH-UPS ALLOWED!
Erin is pissed because she just had to go on a date and exercise.
Kate is worried about grass stains.
Bevin is working hard. She wants the rose. She’s even yelling “SIR YES SIR” ever chance she gets. She is playing the part!

And then she trips on the tire course and falls to the ground grabbing her ankle.
At first, I’m thinking she is faking it. But when the ABC psychotherapist, cameraman and producer come running up to her, I’m thinking it is a bit serious.

Notice I didn’t mention the ABC intern. Do you know why? Because our crafty intern has run off to fetch the good doctor. Dr. Baldwin that is…

The producer is totally in on the gig. “Medic! We need a medic!”

And out of the blue, Dr. Baldwin comes running up the driveway. Rose in hand. I half expected it to be in his teeth!

“Are you the medic?” asks the Sergeant…
“I’m THE DOCTOR!” exclaims Andy!
“WHY DID THIS HAVE TO HAPPEN TO MEEEEEE!” whines Bevin.

I know it hurt. I know it was really broken or twisted, but this was a time for Bevin to suck it up and show some control. You don’t want the Bachelor: An Officer and a Gentleman to think you are weak, do you? He likes tough girls!

But apparently I’m way off, because the doctor gives the rose to the fallen soldier. Right before the ambulance picks her up to whisk them away to the hospital.

Back in the mansion…

Our host Chris Harrison explains that boot camp did not go as planned. I would give MONEY to see what they had in store for the girls. Instead, Chris tells the girls about the first group date:

Group Date One
Let’s Spend the Day Relaxing
Gymnast Stephanie
Punky Nicole
Amber
Tina
Stephanie

The Lieutenant likes girls who can get down and dirty. So he takes the gaggle of girls to a mud spa. It’s quite simple what you do at a mud spa…you smear mud on Baldwin’s hot twelve pack abs and chiseled shoulders.

Watch out for Psycho Steph though. She tells the group that she and Andy are waaaaay close and when they see each other in bathing suits, it’s over. The girls hate Psycho Stephanie. She is stealing all the attention.

Tina is not joining in the fun of the mud. She doesn’t want other girls to put hands over man she is marrying

The girls take turns knocking Psycho out of the way in the shower while rinsing the mud off of Andy. They change into matching robes, drink champagne and talk about what they’ve done in mud before and past relationships.

Our Bachelor is touchy-feely. Have you noticed this? He’s a hugger and a waist holder. He also tends to grab knees when sitting by our bachelorettes.

It’s time for the Lieutenant to pick someone for some special time and he chooses Gymnast Stephanie. YES! Psycho is ticked off!

The Lieutenant leads Steph to a double massage table. He leans his arm over to hold her hand. They talk about how they don’t know each other well and Steph is excited for him to get to know her better. So she straddles him and gives him a massage. Andy is pumped that he got a little TLC. Hey…whatever works.

Cut to the mansion…
Bevin is back. Huge black and blue ankle. Crutches. Diamond watch from Andy.

What the crap?

Group Date Two
I Feel the Need…
Kate
Dani
Hef’s Wife
Amanda

Of course, Andy shows up in a leather jacket and aviator glasses. He picks the girls up to go drive cars fast. He likes the danger. He likes women who take risks.

He takes each girl aside for some alone time.

Hef’s wife is nervous that our Bachelor: An Officer and a Gentleman, thinks that she is prissy and worries that he hasn’t seen her true personality. They hang out at the car and she tells him that his is probably the SECOND best date idea. The first would be to shoot guns. Andy thinks that she may be a Barbie, but she can do some manly things.

Riiiiiiiiight.

He and Dani talk about faith, soul mates and defining moments in life. Poor Dani talks about her deceased boyfriend again. Very sad story of him passing away in the bed with her. She gets teary. Andy consoles.

Kate says SHUT UP about twelve times.

Amanda thinks she is going to do well because she used to go 120 miles per hour while trying to beat curfew when she was in high school. Yep. That’s the same.

Here are the rules: the time starts, drive around the cones…don’t hit them. Every cone hit—two second penalty.

Amanda is safe…she is a natural.
Dani lets loose.
Kate drives all over the cones. She scared the Be-Jesus out of Andy!
Hef’s wife can’t drive a stick shift. Car dies several times.

And because she tried so hard, she gets the special alone time in the Delorean.

This is why I love Andy Baldwin. He strait up tells us that he likes Hef’s wife…that she is beautiful, bleach blond, and he is attracted or sure. But he is cautious. He does not know that she feels the same.

And Hef’s wife brilliantly answers:
“What you see is definitely NOT what you get.”

What?!?!

Andy says that he is trying to make it as comfortable as possible for her and that he wants her to come out of her shell. He knows there is more than meets the eye, but he wants her to show him!

Two-on-Two Date
PAYTON
Tessa

The girls open their box and pull out t-shirts that say, “Future sailor’s wife.” Funny. According to your note, one stay and one will go. So that’s false advertising. PAYTON SHOULD SUE THE SHOW!

Tess has a great attitude. She tells the camera that tonight is about getting to know Andy better and figuring out if HE is the one for me. Great attitude!

The girls go to the USS Midway in San Diego.

My favorite quote of the night:
PAYTON: “Are we seriously going on that big ass boat?”

Nice.

Andy is in his element. He shows the girls around the boat. He is at home. He wants them to get a taste of what it is that he does.

PAYTON loves seeing him in his element. She loves that he is confident and comfortable.

Andy shows the girls the doctor’s office on the boat. He checks PAYTON’S heartbeat and tells her that the fuller is in some need of love.

Bucket. Where’s my bucket?

Andy asks the girls his favorite question…have you ever dated a doctor? Someone in the military? Here’s to firsts! And toast the champagne.

Cue the military drum cadence. Andy takes each girl for some alone time. PAYTON wants him to know that she is in this for real. She explains that it has JUST hit her…she’s crazy about him. She tells the camera she doesn’t want to leave with a broken heart.

Tessa makes a bold statement in her alone time.
“When I’m not with you, I question if I should be in this. And then when I see you, I know that it is right.”

The trio sits at a table and talk about how great the date has been. Then, a helicopter starts flying over them. It’s so close! It’s coming back!

I love the fact that Andy didn’t know about the helicopter. He soon figures out that it is time to send someone home. He runs to get the lone rose and returns to the girls in a death grip embrace with each other, cheek-t0-cheek, wrapped in their coordinating pashminas.

He tells PAYTON laid her heart on the line and that her convictions are true and amazing. And then gives Tess the rose.

It is then when I feel sorry for PAYTON. Not because she didn’t get the rose and started crying, but the fact that the intern made her stand on the flight deck as the helicopter flew around her with a spotlight. One would think that the girl going home would have been sent packing in the chopper. Not so.

To quote PAYTON…that just sucked.

The doctor trots off to be with Tessa on the helicopter. He is giving her all the signs of wanting to make out, but Tess is throwing up some walls. He gets an awkward kiss in the end.

BEFORE THE ROSE CEREMONY
Side note: How do we feel about boys drinking out of straws?

Andy hates hurting people’s feelings. But this is business. His goal tonight is to evaluate the nine remaining women and to find his soul mate.

Amanda: She is full of stories, but she never tells the Lieutenant these stories. Andy says that he is constantly trying to engage her on a deeper level. Uh oh.

Kate has concerns? “Do you think I’m a wild sorority girl?”
He thinks she is outspoken and fun. NO says Kate. She is concerned about her business and family. She is a cool person. She is chill and relaxed.

Andy sits between the two Stephanies. They talk about how they are alike and different. Psycho takes over and pretty much slams the gymnast. This makes Andy wonder how sincere she is. YES!

Bev: Andy checks on his favorite patient. He pokes at her ankle and says he will need daily check-ups. Then they make out on the couch.

Random Tina wants to know the Lieutenant’s flaws. What in the world? He says that he is really hard on himself and too analytical.

THE BUREAU IS BACK!
Andy checks out the Pier One framed photos and worries to himself if he is sending the wrong girl home.

He gives roses to:
Amber
Dani
Gymnast Stephanie
Random Tina
Kate…SHUT UP
Punky Nicole
Psycho Stephanie

Luckily, Psycho showed up at the end. I was nervous we wouldn’t have anyone to hate!

Sorry for the delay. We should be back on target for the rest of the season.

All about the shame, not the fame,
Lincee

Sunday, April 15, 2007

I'm in the Rocky Mountains


Work has called me to the Rocky Mountains. For the next week, I'll be visiting Grand Junction, Colorado; Rock Springs, Wyoming; Dickinson, North Dakota and Billings, Montana. Oh Yah! Let's hope and pray that I have a good Bachelor watching experience. More than likely, the post will be late on Tuesday night. I have to get up at the crack of dawn in order to squish as many rig visits in to one day. But I promise I will write. Just don't expect it Tuesday morning. And while we are praying...let's hope that Dickinson, ND has Internet access in their hotels! Rocky Mountain high...over and out!

Tuesday, April 10, 2007

John Wayne and Tarzan All In One


I’m going to go ahead and say it. I don’t hate Andy.

Sure he’s a little on the dorky side, but his chachiness is in check. My boy can flirt, dance and is not afraid to blatantly tell the camera that mechanical bulls excite him. He’s not playing it safe and he’s giving every girl a fair chance by getting to know them. In other words, he embraces his dorkiness with Officer and Gentlemanly charm and that my friends makes him borderline endearing. Welcome back Bachelor!

SIMPLE DISCLAIMER

The following information you are about to read is of personal opinion. If this e-mail circulates to friends, family, enemies...that is your business. However, if you or someone in your address book happens to personally know, sort of know, know the brother/cousin of, thought you saw in the grocery store buying Spring Oreos and Spaghetti O’s or have a spin instructor that looks exactly like one of the Bachelorettes on the show...none of this is personal and I'm sure they are all lovely people.

I’d like to kick it old school and bring back a tradition that is near and dear to my heart.

For those of you who have been with me since Firestone, you know that I occasionally break out a Top 10 list of what went down during the previous night’s episode. It’s an easy way for me to include all those silly questions that pop in my head during our show without breaking the flow of the recap. Join me as I recall:

MY TOP TEN RANDOM THOUGHTS OF LAST NIGHT’S EPISODE
1. Who doesn’t love a good 10-minute opening montage narrated by our favorite host Chris Harrison? We learn…again…that Lieutenant Andy is looking for love.
2. Steph plans on getting a rose after rose until she gets a ring on the finger. I called it. Psycho tendencies.
3. Let’s talk about the car. Give me a break. I keep picturing Michael J. Fox’s head poking up in the back asking what year we are in.
4. Whoever said he looks like an old Bobby Brady is right!
5. Did anyone notice the bubbling, foaming cocktail drink during the bull “riding” escapade?
6. Nicole says AWESOME way too much.
7. I think the Lieutenant’s ribs are disproportioned.
8. How do we feel about unmatching bikinis?
9. Someone please mess up his hair.
10. NO WALKING! NO HOLDING HANDS!


THE RULES
Our Host Chris Harrison gathers the ladies together in their Hollywood Hills mansion to explain the rules of this game we call The Bachelor: An Officer and a Gentleman. Since Steph was the lucky girl to win the first impression rose, she will be the first one-on-one date. Lieutenant Andy must choose after the date to give her a rose or send her home. The others will be split into two group dates. No roses will be handed out, but one girl will get super special one-on-one time with the lieutenant. She gets to stay with him while the other girls have to return to the house.

Group Date 1
Finding Love on the Sunset Strip
(While you are there, try to find Studio 60. I loved that show.)
Nicole
Tiffany
Alexis
Gymnast Stephanie
Bevin
Amanda
Tessa

In awe. In shock maybe? Unable to believe what was happening before my eyes? Begging myself to look away but fighting through the total embarrassment for the girls on the TV screen for the sake of this recap.

The mechanical bull. Oh the mechanical bull.

I’m from Texas. Lived here my whole life. I’ve seen lots of mechanical bulls. When you are born, you are issued a copy of Urban Cowboy. So I’ve seen Bud, Sissy and that convict guy who eats the worm from the tequila bottle on a mechanical bull LOADS of times.

But I’ve never seen a mechanical bull “do” what that mechanical bull did.

My conclusion?

The producers let the ABC intern be in charge of the mechanical bull. And this kid has a wicked sense of humor. Let’s make the bull vibrate and bounce before gyration. BRILLIANT!

Lieutenant Andy is pumped about seeing his dates on the mechanical bull. He wants a girl who is not afraid. He needs someone who can get dirty, act like a tomboy and break her nails.

Tessa fakes a leg injury and yelps for Andy to help her. He switches his Lieutenant hat for his doctor hat and comes to the rescue.

Gymnast Stephanie rode for eight seconds. Everyone fell off except her. The Bachelor: An Officer and a Gentleman says that she is UN-believable.

Lieutenant Andy tells the camera he wants to switch from rock-n-roll vibe (huh?) to glamour vibe. He has a surprise for the girls. A room full of clothes so they can be transformed into elegant ladies.

In another brilliant move, the ABC intern (we love him this year) decides to NOT put mirrors in the room full of elegant dresses for the elegant ladies. They have to rely on the other girls to tell them they look good. Nice.

The girls come out to the pool on the roof of some hotel (didn’t’ we do this last year?) and all comment on how this is like a scene from a movie.

Background music swells. You guessed it… “Love Lift Us Up Where We Belong.”

Note to ABC: It’s already getting old people. Really old.

The lieutenant takes Nicole over to the other side of the pool. She can’t get over his chocolate and blueberry suite. I can’t get over that she called it chocolate and blueberry. She says she is nervous. He asks her to dance. And they salsa.

Note to male readers: Most girls love to dance. Learn a few basic steps and you are golden. Let’s keep the “white man overbite” and cheesy moves from the ‘80s to a minimum. Salsa is always good. Trust me. Just ask Roberto from Lifetime Fitness. I’m getting heat flashes…

We learn that Alexis was home schooled, has strong moral values, is very old fashioned and true to her roots. Unfortunately, Lieutenant Andy respects that and therefore, she will be sent home at the end of the night.

OUR FIRST HOT TUB SCENE
Finally. Back in the Firestone days, we had hot tubs every date. I think Andy is prepared to jump in to that method of thinking. You can learn a lot from a girl in a bikini. It’s scientific fact.

Andy is surrounded by seven women and loving life. All of a sudden, he realizes that he hasn’t had any one-0n-one time with Bevin. He asks her to join him in the pool. They hold hands and jump. Before they are even up for their first breath of air, Bev’s legs are wrapped around our Bachelor: An Officer and a Gentleman. It must have been the shallow end, because tri-athlete or not…dude would have drowned with her legs holding on so TIGHT.

Andy’s first Chach moment of the night: “Do you want to go under water?”
But then he redeems himself. He makes out with Bev under that water. You sly dog.

Back in the hot tub, the lieutenant says that he must pick one girl to stay while the others go home. He picks Tiffany.

Don’t bother looking her up on the ABC website right now. I don’t know who she is either. He picks her because she is quiet and he feels he didn’t get enough quality time with her. He wanted to give her the opportunity to shine.

And she took that opportunity and waved lazily as it passed her by.

It was awful. And awkward. And sad. Here’s a snippet into the night’s tantalizing conversation:

Tif: “Why did you choose me?”
O&G: “You have a lot of depth, but I haven’t seen your true colors.”
Translation: (Tif) “My boobs didn’t once jiggle on the bull. Why me?”
Translation: (O&G) “I’m giving you a chance to jiggle them now.”

O&G: “Have you ever dated a doctor?”
Tif: “A little.”
O&G: “Was it good?”
Tif: “Mmm-hmmm.”
O&G: “Ever dated anyone in the military?”
Tif: “Uhm…”
Translation: (O&G) “I’m the total package and need you to know that it doesn’t get any better than this.”

O&G: “Has anyone ever told you that you have the cutest dimples?”
Tif: “Uhm...”
O&G: “I’m glad you are here.”
Tif: “Thanks.”
Translation: “I’m glad you are here so I know I didn’t make a mistake sending you back to Boston tonight.”


Group Date 2
Let’s Get Physical!
Kate
Susan
Erin
Tina
Amber
Dani
PAYTAWN

Lieutenant Andy explains to the camera that he is a six time Iron Man and that athletics are a huge part of his life. He wants to see who freaks out when told that they have to participate and compete in a mini triathlon.

The girls arrive and make their way out to the pool. Lieutenant Andy exclaims, “OH MY GOODNESS” as they saunter through the double doors.

OH MY GOODNESS indeed. Clad in their powder blue terry cloth hot pants complete with tube socks pulled up to their knee caps, the girls awkwardly eye the pool. Some have gone as far to try and modernize their awkward apparel. There are head bands. Wrist bands. Off-the-shoulder t-shirts a-la Flashdance. What a feeling…

Lieutenant Andy encourages the girls to eat up because later they will want the extra energy. Great. Just what we need. A Bachelorette hurling her scrambled eggs and mimosa into the grass by the stationary bicycle. Can’t WAIT for that!

Almost immediately after they sit down, Tina asks our Bachelor: An Officer and a Gentleman to escort her to the pier to take in the view. Kate thinks this makes her a hussy.

She’s no hussy Kate. Tina is smart.

Tina tells the camera that she is not that athletic and wants Andy to know her before judging her on her swimming, pedaling and running abilities. Brains. The girl has brains. They talk about doctor stuff, laughing at funny orthopedic happenings in their residencies and Tina knows…her strategy has worked and the pressure is off.

Susan (aka Heidi) is worried about the competition too, but it should be too bad since she walks her dog three times a week.

Or was it Erin?

Regardless, they look like identical twins and pretty much form an alliance. They will compete TOGETHER and hold hands the entire time. This way, they won’t mess their makeup or get their hair wet. Yeah!

THE COMPETITION
We begin in the water. Four laps.
Next, on the bike for two miles.
Finally, four laps around the pool.
First one to cross the finish line gets one-on-one time with the lieutenant.

Andy blows the whistle…AND THEY’RE OFF!
The girls look scared to death.
Heidi/Twin doesn’t think she should have to win a race to get a rose.
Other twin’s boobs are keeping her from swimming.
NO WALKING!
NO HOLDING HANDS!
LINCEE IS HYSTERICALLY LAUGHING!
Dani and Amber are running neck and neck!
ABC intern is pleased that he forgot to tell wardrobe to provide proper swimsuits for the triathlon.
AMBER WINS!

ALONE TIME WITH AMBER
The couple hits the beach. Lieutenant Andy’s testosterone pulls the pair to a jungle gym by the water and insists on testing Amber’s strength. They hang from a bar. They hang from gymnast rings. She thinks he is hot. He says he heard she can cook. She says yes. He says he is good at doing dishes. And then says “kewl” three times in a row for no reason. He’s diggin’ Amber. GO HOUSTON!

ONE-ON-ONE
Steph
Dine With Me on My Yacht

Steph gets her invitation in a big sea shell and talks about making out with the Bachelor: An Officer and a Gentleman. Everyone hates Steph. She stands in front of her mirror and tries on different dresses. She takes the hoochiest of them all and asks the girls opinion. Should she wear this to see Lieutenant Andy? She decides on something a little more appropriate for a yacht and bids the girls adieu saying that she is 95% sure she’ll be back with her rose.

She gets to the yacht. He says she looks amazing. They drink champagne and then someone hands Andy a note. It’s from the producers.

Dear Andy,

Looking fabulous kid. Fabulous.

Hey, we were wondering if you could re-enact that scene from Titanic where Leo and Kate are at the front of the boat pretending that they are flying? That would be great. We are trying to secure the rights from Paramount to show the blockbuster during sweeps in May. I’m sure they would LOVE this plug.

Oh…and please try to get in the hot tub later. We also feel the audience is ready for a real kiss, so if you could make that happen too…

Sincerely,
ABC Producers

Somewhere along the way, Play By the Vindictive Rules Stephanie decides to let her guard down and ask Lieutenant Andy what his idea wedding would be like.

What in the world?

He says that he wants it to be in Hawaii and for Elvis to be playing “Rock-A-Hula” in the background. (You would love that Mom!)

Feeling the pressure of losing him with that horrendous question, she decides to turn things back to basics. Hot tub time.

She arrives all wrapped up in her pashmina. She dramatically lets it fall to the floor, showing off her abs. And she’s got them!

Andy invites her to join him in the hot tub…warning her…that the water is HOT.

Insert Jim Halpert face here.

He gives her a rose.
She kisses him.

Cut to Steph in the limo.

“I got the first impression rose. I got the first date. I got the first kiss. He’s AWESOME…I CAN’T WAIT TO SEE HIM AGAIN. HE’S INCREDIBLE.”

She returns to the mansion, finding three girls on the stairs and seven in the living room, waiting for her return. She tells them ALL about it. She lies and says she got a peck on the cheek. Some of the girls think she is not telling the truth. How do we know what these girls think? Because Steph is listening at the door. Which is what crazy people do.

I’m just saying…

BEFORE THE ROSE CEREMONY
Lieutenant Andy has to narrow the field down from fifteen to twelve. (Please tell me you watched the end of the show to see four of our girls trying to do math on this delicate topic. Absolutely CLASSIC!)

Tina thinks she is going home because she is too ambitious. She wants to know how Andy feels. He says that she is stunning. Her octave goes up twelve notches and thanks him in a baby voice. He thinks it is sexy to be confident.

Peyton defends her sorority. She wants him to know that they inspire and offer so much to our collegiate women. She wants to know what he is looking for in a woman. He thinks it is important to inspire.

His originality on that one was incredible.

Steph knows that Alexis is a virgin. She knows because she has been dumped by a virgin before. I don’t even know what to do with this statement.

The twins arrive holding hands…again…in red dresses. They sit on the couch, sharing a Cosmopolitan with two straws. Lieutenant Andy asks to sit between them. After much consideration that took WAY TOO LONG to decide, they allow him to separate the union. They talk about how proud they are of their accomplishments at the competition and that they have found their soul mate. Unfortunately for Lieutenant Andy, they are talking about each other.

Amber takes him away. He can’t wait to see her. She takes him upstairs to show the bedroom of all the packed suitcases. Our Bachelor: An Officer and a Gentleman gets a little choked up at this site. This is REAL people. Someone is going to get hurt!

“I’m a healer. The thought of instilling pain doesn’t go well with my heart and mind.”

Gag.

Tessa tells him she is training for triathlon and if this doesn’t work out, she’ll see him later. Then asks if he wants a foot massage. He says she has tiny toes and comments on his own feet…which were bare. I nearly sicked out. Dude needed to keep his socks on!

To make matters worse, Gymnast Stephanie comes in with a round of shots. And then make a toast… “To relaxed feet!”

What am I watching?

Andy moves on to Danielle. We haven’t heard much from her. She’s been having swimmer’s ear since the pool competition. He gives it a kiss and she feels all better. She tells him she is a graphic designer and all she needs is her computer to do her work. She could move ANYWHERE.

Bevin needs to push the ladies back in.

Nicole missed her moment to kiss Andy while dancing.

Tessa has a nervous breakdown.

We leave for commercial break. Our host Chris Harrison asks the audience, “Who will lose their Office and Gentleman forever? Find out after the break.”

I’m pretty sure a little part of me died on the inside when he said that. Vomit.

ROSE CEREMONY
Lieutenant Andy thanks the girls for taking this risk with him. If they don’t get a rose, it’s because there was no connection. He throws them a bone and says that someone is out there for each one.

Roses are given to:
Tessa
Dani
Bev…she doesn’t look 28…I’m just saying
Amber
Stephanie Rose
Stephanie Gymnast
Kate…Shut up! No you shut up. Really
Nicole
Tina
PAYTAWN
Amanda

Cut to the twins…
“I think we are both going home…” YES

And then he calls Hef’s wife Erin. DOH

Next week, we see mud baths, fast driving cars, boot camp and a medical emergency with an ambulance and everything. Sweet!

All about the shame, not the fame,
Lincee

It's coming...





The bull. The mechanical bull. Seriously? Seriously...

Tuesday, April 03, 2007

An Officer and a Gentleman


It’s good to be back my friends.

I’d like to thank ABC for welcoming us with wide open arms last night for one of the most entertaining episodes aired in a long, long time. It was like an old friend. I have to admit, there have been many anxious moments leading up to last night’s show, and our Bachelor (An Officer and a Gentleman) did not disappoint.

SIMPLE DISCLAIMER

The following information you are about to read is of personal opinion. If this e-mail circulates to friends, family, enemies...that is your business. However, if you or someone in your address book happens to personally know, sort of know, know the brother/cousin of, thought you saw in the grocery store buying Spring Oreos and Spaghetti O’s or have a spin instructor that looks exactly like one of the Bachelorettes on the show...none of this is personal and I'm sure they are all lovely people.

HAPPY BIRTHDAY!
Our beloved show is celebrating its 10th season. Can you believe it? When I heard our host Chris Harrison share this information, I felt a mixture of emotions and several questions swam around in my head. LUCKILY, I watched last night’s episode with my friend Meredith and she was able to mentally set me straight.

Lincee: “Has it really been 10 seasons?”
Meredith: “Let’s see if we can name them all…” (Which we did, although neither of us could remember the fisherman’s real name and affectionately called him Centrum Silver.)
Conclusion: The mind is a powerful organ.

Lincee: “Shouldn’t I be saving the world somehow or contributing to the greater good instead of wasting precious hours sitting in front of my TV every Monday night?”
Meredith: “I have TiVo, so we can fast forward through the commercials.”
Conclusion: Technically, this can be considered SAVING time.

Lincee: “Am I a loser?”
Meredith: “I just got a text from Ashley B. suggesting we count how many times it shows Andy with his shirt off.”
Conclusion: It’s just good TV people.

CUE THE SNARE DRUMS
Right off the bat, ABC decides to capitalize on the military connection with our Bachelor (An Officer and a Gentleman) and insists on playing drum cadences and dramatic music that swells with every detail we learn about Andy Baldwin.

[The opening montage starts off slow and rhythmic.]

We learn about Andy’s childhood in Amish country Pennsylvania. He didn’t have much growing up, but I did notice he had a Cabbage Patch Kid.

[The music crescendos with a stronger beat as pictures fly across the screen.]

He held three jobs as a child, was a swimmer, valedictorian of his class, landed an ROTC scholarship, graduated from Duke and finally…

(CUE TOP GUN MUSIC…YOU KNOW THE ONE I’M TALKING ABOUT)

He went to med school and became a lieutenant in the Navy!

He’s stationed in Hawaii and cares for 150 guys when not throwing flower leis over the edge of the railing at the USS Arizona.

[Music shifts to soft and seducing.]

You may think he has it all, but there is one piece of the puzzle missing. SOMEONE TO SHARE HIS AWESOMENESS WITH!

[Cue “Love Lift Us Up Where We Belong”…acoustic version]
Side note: Please let the record show that I called this. Thank you.

Oh…and he’s also a triathlon whose goals include shoot for the stars and go for your dreams. Not to mention it is his 30th birthday.

If that’s not an officer and a gentleman, I don’t know what is people.

Meet Our Bachelorettes
I have to admit that this batch of ladies pulled out all the stops to make a lasting impression on our Bachelor (An Officer and a Gentleman.) I’ve decided to add another line to our Bachelorette cheat sheet of “Stupid Moment That I Used to Pull Focus…No Matter How Embarrassing I May Look on National TV” because those are the true gems that make these ladies memorable.

Alexis
Lawyer
26
Southlake, TX
Why you remember her: Tall. Brunette. Pretty eyes. First one out of the limo. She looks like a beauty queen.
Lasting Impression: Alexis is above such things and pretty much had no air time the entire night. ABC tried to trick us, but I knew from the minute she stepped out of the limo should would not be going anywhere.
Status: Rose

Amanda
Financial Analyst
26
Dallas
Why you remember her: She insisted on driving me nuts and calling our Bachelor (An Officer and a Gentleman) Mr. Lieutenant as they lay on the random bed (don’t we love those!) outside looking at the stars
Lasting Impression: She climbed the Great Wall of China. Andy loves a woman who is up for an adventure!
Status: Rose

Amber
Teacher
23
Sugar Land, TX
Why you remember her: She is a teacher. Andy loves kids. He taught Sunday School. And all the girls said, “AWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWW.”
Lasting Impression: “I’m from Sugar Land, so I’m obviously the sweetest one here!”
Lincee’s Impression: So sweet that I’m getting a stomach ache. Where’s my bucket?
Status: Rose

Bevin
Clinic Research Coordinator
28
Palo Alto, CA
Why you remember her: Bevin flashes the ABC camera man as she proudly shows off all the scars on her legs. Andy boldly proclaims, “THAT IS SO HOT!”
Lasting Impression: (As she steps out of the limo) “Where’s your uniform?” Andy: “Maybe I’ll show you later.” I wonder how many times he’s used THAT line before?
Lincee’s Impression: Come over to my house Andy…I’ll show you some REAL leg scars. (ACL Club holla if ya hear me!) Let the record show that I predict Bevin will go far.
Status: Rose

Blakeney
Radio Sales
29
Birmingham, AL
Why you remember her: “That (hiccup) Andy is as cute as (hiccup) a button!”
Lasting Impression: After she falls off her bar stool…never spilling her cocktail…Blakeney proceeds to get into a verbal argument with Lindsay. The ABC camera man literally pushes the ABC Intern out of the way and scolds him for trying to stop the cat fight before claws come out and hair is pulled.
Lincee’s Impression: I’m going to miss Blakeney. Please PLEASE tell me you saw her drunk rapping at the close of the show. It was blasphemous!
Status: No Rose

Candace
Waitress
23
Hilton Head Island, SC
Why you remember her: You remember her hair and wondered why she stood in a sauna before meeting the Bachelor (An Officer and a Gentleman)
Status: No Rose

Catherine
Former Miss Illinois
23
Lake Forest, IL
Why you remember her: She wore flip flops with her evening gown
Lincee’s Impression: Seriously…Former Miss Illinois is your occupation? Seriously?
Status: No Rose

Danielle I
Graphic Designer
25
Bethel, CT
Why you remember her: Cute blond (aren’t they all?)
Lasting Impression: My girl Danielle figures she can make a lasting impression by talking about her boyfriend who passed away. Then she talks about the guy who did her wrong before that. Her point? Third time’s a charm!
Status: Rose

Danielle V
Lawyer
26
Bronx, NY
Why you remember her: You don’t.
Lasting Impression: “You are better looking in person than you are on the Internet.”
Lincee’s Impression: Insert Jim Halpert face here.
Status: No Rose

Erin
Financial Analyst
24
Dallas
Why you remember her: You Googled her to see if she was one of Hugh Hefner’s wives.
Status: Rose

Jackie
Executive Coordinator
23
Minneapolis, MN
Why you remember her: You don’t.
Lasting Impression: Jackie points to the rose and says, “What is that for?” Andy answers, “You’ll find out.” And then shoves her through the front door as he yells, “SUCKER!”
Lincee’s impression: Nice.
Status: No Rose

Jeanette
Health Care Manager
27
Tampa, FL
Why you remember her: She’s a tiny pocket person who has a French manicure and plays with her hair.
Status: No Rose

Jessica
Hedge Fund Analyst
32
New York, NY
Why you remember her: I literally have no idea who this person is.

Kate
Boutique Owner
Charleston, SC
Why you remember her: Kate wore a short black dress and for some reason, posed on the limo before making her way to the Bachelor (An Officer and a Gentleman) as she shouted, “I’m the one with the short dress!”
Lasting Impression: I’m reliving it in my brain right now and I can’t turn it off. My face is getting hot as I think about typing the words. Dear sweet Kate decided that she needed to take drastic measures and do something that Andy would never forget. She gets on the floor…lays on her stomach…and…wait for it…take a deep breathe…executes the centipede. That’s right. The centipede from any party from 1981-1987 and all wedding receptions around the nation. Could I make this stuff up?
Lincee’s Impression: Nonononononononononononononononono
Status: Rose

Linda
Lawyer
33
Cuyahoga Falls, OH
Why you remember her: Resident stalker that claims she is looking in a mirror when she sees Andy
Lasting Impression: Crazy challenged Andy to a pushup contest.
Status: No Rose

Lindsay
Student
22
Lawrence, KS
Why you remember her: How could you forget?
Lasting Impression: Picks a fight with Drunk Blake, calls first impression rose Stephanie heinous and storms out of the rose ceremony when she didn’t get picked.
Lincee’s Impression: I honestly thought they would keep her around.
Status: No Rose

Nicole
Sales Manager
26
Charleston, SC
Why you remember her: You think of her as the spastic best friend sidekick on a TV show like Blossom or Sabrina the Teenage Witch
Lasting Impression: After sneaking into the kitchen to make Andy a surprise birthday cake, she asks a cooking question, “Can we substitute tequila for eggs in the birthday cake?”
Lincee’s Impression: Insert Jim Halpert face here. (I have a feeling there will be a lot of those this season.)
Status: Rose

Peyton
Sorority Recruiter
24
Dallas
Why you remember her: She and the Bachelor (An Officer and a Gentleman) have the same birthday. SHUT UP!
Lasting Impression: Andy insists on calling her Pay-TAWN with a strong “t”
Status: Rose

Stephanie T
Organ Donor Coordinator
27
Folly Beach, SC
Why you remember her: First impression rose
Lincee’s Impression: Mark my words…she has psycho tendencies.
Status: Rose

Stephanie W
Project Manager
23
Overland Park, KS
Why you remember her: She was easy to forget until…
Lasting Impression: Nadia does a back handspring through a doorway in her pink prom dress. Classic. Andy is impressed!
Status: Rose

Susan
Boutique Manager (what are there odds there are two boutique managers?)
23
The Woodlands (Houston)
Why you remember her: [crickets chirping]
Status: Rose

Tessa
Social Worker
26
San Francisco, CA
Why you remember her: Stop me if you’ve heard this one okay? Two muffins are sitting in the oven. One says, “It’s hot in here” and the other one says, “Holy cow…a talking muffin!”
Lasting Impression: Her Mom’s fanny pack got stolen on an Inca trail and she fell in love with the man who loaned them money.
Lincee’s Impression: Double whammy with the Muffin Man and Inca Trail. Nice.
Status: Rose

Tiffany F
Real Estate/Sales
27
St. Louis Park, MN
Why you remember her: She called him Adam when she got out of the limo and then laughed at her funny joke. Note to Tiffany: Andy did NOT laugh.
Status: Denied

Tiffany W
Medical Equipment Sales Rep
28
Boston
Why you remember her: She had on the David’s Bridal bridesmaid dress
Status: Rose

Tina
Med Student
26
Hollywood
Why you remember her: Her fortune cookie said her dreams would become a reality.
Lasting Impression: And here we are…the pièce de résistance…I’m going to need you to stand up and place your hand on your heart as we remember Tina serenading Andy with The Star Spangled Banner. Oh say can you see indeed! You all know of course I can’t watch. I’m yelling. STOP HER! And she sings the whole song. Bless her heart. Really. Bless her heart. Andy wipes a tear away. Is it a tear of joy? Laughter? We will never know. He gives her a standing ovation. I’m rocking back and forth in the fetal position on the floor at this point.
Lincee’s Impression: Sometimes I can still hear the land of the free and the home of the brave if I listen carefully…[shutter]
Status: Rose

I can’t yet tell if I find Andy’s “aw shucks” mentality cute or annoying. I’ll have to get back with you on that one. I’m definitely looking forward to hot tub moments. For the record, there were 14 shirtless moments (it seemed weird and inappropriate to count the two as a child) in the opening montage. We were graced with nine additional shots in the closing. It’s going to be a good season.

Two words:

Boot camp!

All about the shame, not the fame,
Lincee